BGC Membership

Since I got bored of waiting for Daniel to make an official website to do this, I just decided to put it up here. Enjoy.

Name: Tristan Harris Rank: President Stance on Friendship: Loves

Tristan possesses a startling natural intelligence, but makes up for it by having almost no ambition whatsoever, and is consequently going nowhere. For this reason we gave him the presidency so he feels like his life has meaning. That and because he has all the board games. In fact, that’s about the only reason why he ever gets invited out to anything as he’s kind of an asshole in almost every other regard. If he didn’t own the games (or somebody else also had them) then there’d be no reason for him to leave his house, and he’d just spend all free time alone playing TF2.

Name: Joanna Chan Rank: Lord Commander of the Night's Watch

Stance on Friendship: Loves

Our newly appointed Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch, Joanna, has done a stellar job doing the job of the vice-president/treasurer and is essentially second-in-command. Originally, we just made up the position because is sounded cool and it didn't come with any  real duties, responsibilities, or privileges. Since then, Joanna has proven adept at organizing pizza parties and bringing juice so we have expanded her role. Joanna spends most of her time being friendly, treating fiction as though it’s real life, and secretly plotting to steal the presidency. She also doesn’t like it when you walk on carpets with your shoes on, so be sure to do that all the time when she’s around.

Name: Joyce Ngu Rank: Treasurer Stance on Friendship: Loves

Sometimes we like to play a drinking game in the club where we try to think of something Joyce isn’t afraid of. If she’s afraid of it then you have to drink. If she’s not afraid of it then everybody else has to drink. So far, the latter situation has yet to occur. Things we have learned that scare her includes, but is not limited to: thunder, rain, zombies, being the center of attention, things pertaining to sex, and the critically acclaimed film, The Descendants. With the help of her friends however, Joyce is slowly conquering her fears and we’re hopeful that one day soon she’ll be able to leave her bedroom.

Name: Zach Cochrane Rank: Secretary Stance on Friendship: Loves

If you want to get anything done in the club, Zach is the guy you should talk to. He sends out the emails, books the rooms, reserves TVs, and handles the grant money. Despite his aptitude for the practical things in life, Zach is surprisingly clueless when it comes to street smarts. For the longest time he thought 4/20 was a gang and his knowledge of sexual terminology and euphemisms is hilariously low. This coupled with his crippling inability to form his sentences properly has led to some pretty fantastic quotes which you can learn all about when you come to the club.

Name: Michelle Tran Rank: Vice-President Stance on Friendship: Hates

You might not want to say this to her face, but Michelle is a bit of a hipster. She’ll never admit it, but all of the evidence points to her being if not a hipster, then the closest thing to a hipster currently in BGC. She has a fondness for clothing from or to do with 80’s, has been known to make finger mustaches, and has attended a music festival in the hipster capital of BC (also the capital of BC), Victoria. And this is just scraping the surface of all the evidence we’ve accumulated over the years. Her other hobbies include bailing on friends and then lying about it, sacrificing her life to League of Legends, and being tired/half-dead most of the time.

Name: Brendan Lee Rank: Assistant to the Regional Manager Stance on Friendship: Hates

Brendan is one of our most devoted members who attends almost all of our meetings and events, and is always up for playing video games with you outside of the club. Despite this, Brendan hates you and everybody and everything with a passion (except for Dominion). He yells and swears at everything, and the only tone of voice he knows is bitchy. I think we’re all still technically friends with him, because he deigns to hang out with us, though he makes me wonder how he treats those he dislikes. On an unrelated note, he has a fascination with guns so it’s probably best to stay on his good side.

Name: Damian Craig Rank: External Relations Officer Stance on Friendship: Loves

There are few who can claim to be as kingly or as tall as Damian. He’s appeared in our student newspaper on three separate occasions and doesn’t even go to SFU. He can pull off both a kilt and a bowtie and receive nothing but compliments. He worked at Disneyworld as a lifeguard and saved the lives of half-wit children on a daily basis. I guess the point I’m trying to make is that Damian is a pretty cool guy. His only real fault is his terrible taste in movies. In his opinion, Juno sucks and Sex Drive is awesome. I guess it just goes to show that nobody’s perfect.

Name: Dana Robelle Rank: Official Photographer Stance on Friendship:Loves

There are two things that Dana likes: taking pictures and shoes/feet. Whenever she takes a picture of shoes or feet… well let’s just say it makes her happy. When Dana’s around you can be sure that she’s taking pictures or recording almost everything with her camera regardless of how uninteresting it may be. If you’re hiding from the mob or some other organization, then I’d advise you to stay well away from her. Speaking from personal experience, it’s also a bad idea to say embarrassing or incriminating things in her presence.

Name: Eddy Ha Rank: Member? Stance on Friendship: Hates

BGC members discount the existence of Eddy Ha and consider him to be a combination of folklore, misidentification and hoax, rather than a living person in part because nobody has seen him in such a long time, or in fact has any recollection of his existence beyond a few blurry photographs. A few members such as Michelle Tran and Aleck Pham, have expressed interest and belief in the creature, with Pham expressing the opinion that evidence collected of alleged Eddy Ha encounters warrants further evaluation and testing. Eddy Ha remains one of the more famous examples of an imaginary person, and an enduring legend.

Name: David Stocks Rank: Member Stance on Friendship: Indifferent

David is American, but more importantly, David has a majestic beard. Those are really the only two things you really need to know about David, but there are other things about him that you may find interesting about him. He likes to match up his shoes and socks in fun ways. He often really gets into board games and will yell at you if you start making retarded moves. He also has a very unique laugh. But mostly the beard.

Name: Justin Chow Rank: Member Stance on Friendship: Hates

When Justin is in the room the usage of the word “penis” and its synonyms increases by at least 500%. His vocabulary is pretty much limited to those words and laughter which led us all to believe that he was mentally handicapped. Because we’re a rather insensitive bunch, we gave him a hard time for his retardation and so he moved all the way to Penticton to be as far away from us as possible (also for co-op). Since then, it’s certainly been a lot quieter at BGC. At times we wish he’d come back, but then one time he did, took a sip of beer, and lost even that little ability he had to control himself. It was a memorable night, but also deeply humiliating for all involved.

Name: Lily Sung Rank: Member Stance on Friendship: Hates

Now I’m not saying Lily is the most twisted and depraved of all our members, but behind that bright smile lurks something… darker. She is almost always peppy and upbeat especially when faced with images of death, gore, and blood. Her eyes are pregnant with malice and to look into them is to see the true face of despair. Her mere presence fills one with forebodings of doom that cannot be shaken. Whatever her plans for the future are, they can only mean total darkness for all mankind. None of us are safe!

Name: Aleck Pham Rank: Member Stance on Friendship: Indifferent

Aleck is the life of the party and everybody enjoys his company, but sadly he doesn’t really care about any of us. Sure, he’ll make an appearance and tell a few jokes, but then he has to move on to some other party at some other inferior club. He’s like that boyfriend who you know has other girls on the side, but you stick with him anyway, latch onto him even, and relish any attention he gives you. For his part, he knows you’ll always be there for him when he needs you so he doesn’t feel the need to treat you special. Meanwhile, the BGC cries itself to sleep every night wishing he were there to cuddle with.

Name: Kerry Woodrow Rank: Member Stance on Friendship: Loves

I would normally spend time making fun of Kerry here and poking fun at his weaknesses, but I won’t for two reasons. Firstly, because Kerry is the DM for my D&D group and can thus do horrible things to my character, and secondly, because Kerry is such a swell guy who is as perfect as a human being can get. Yep, that Kerry such is cool. We should all go to Gamedeals right now, buy up everything they have in stock, and say that Kerry sent us. Please give me a better battleaxe.

Name: Himmy Choy Rank: Member Stance on Friendship: Indifferent

Nobody asked who the strange man was in the blue scrubs and the paper mask when he first showed up to one of our meetings. Nobody questioned why he pranced around like a lunatic chanting in a high pitched voice. When he revealed his name to be Himmy nobody inquired as to what kind of name is that. And certainly nobody demanded to know why he was a carrying a bloody knife around with him. Since that fateful day Himmy appears fairly consistently to taunt us and play Dominion, and has even claimed one of our members for his own. She did not put up much resistance.

Name: Mike Fournier Rank: Member Stance on Friendship: Loves

Mike’s primary function in the BGC is to tell us about good restaurants in the area we can eat at after we’re done playing games. Normally he leads us to good eats, but on occasion we also end up at a place like Mexican Chicken Hof. To be fair, it was an experience albeit in the same way that explosive diarrhea is an experience, but it makes for a good story to tell nonetheless. But for every one of those we get ten peanut butter pies so Mike still comes out on top in the end.

Name: Morgan Fells Rank: Member Stance on Friendship: Indifferent

Morgan has a board game collection which I am fairly certain exceeds even my own. Every week he shows up with something new and fun to play and we always look forward to his arrival. I think he’s just happy to have somebody to play all his games with besides his wife which is probably the main reason why he comes. As you may have garnered from the fact that he has a wife, Morgan is one of our oldest members and as such we generally refer to him as "The Decrepit One” and you should all do likewise. He LOVES it.

Name: Tin Ma Rank: Member Stance on Friendship: Indifferent

If you like your men surly, nerdy, and potentially mentally disturbed then you’ll love Tin who is all of that and more. He comes with all the bells and whistles including muttering under his breath and uncontrollable fits of rage. As an added bonus if you ever get tired of him the way he is then just liquor him up a bit and he’ll magically transform into his complete opposite right before your very eyes. Tin is quite a catch ladies and supplies are limited so order now before it’s too late!

Name: Tian Hu Rank: Member Stance on Friendship: Indifferent

What Tian lacks in thoughtfulness and intelligence he more than makes up for in being unnecessarily loud. There are countless stories of how Tian fails epically at the games we play, but my favourite has to be the time he scored zero points in Dominion and there is talk that he may have exaggerated his score. To put that in perspective, you start Dominion with three points. Then there was the memorable game of Werewolves where he didn’t clue in that all the werewolves were girls even though it was pretty much stated outright. Regardless of what game Tian is losing at, you can be certain that you’ll wish you had earplugs.

Name: Arthur Strongbody Rank: Member Stance on Friendship: Loves

You’ll be hard-pressed to find somebody friendlier than Arthur. I don’t think I’ve heard him say one bad thing about anybody or even swear. He’s just an all-around nice guy. Consequently, he doesn’t come around to BGC that often because we’re all horrible, horrible people who strive to corrupt to your soul. One day we shall claim him for our demon king. He cannot escape our grasp forever. Until then, run and hide Arthur. Run and hide, but know that we’ll come for you when you least expect it.

Name: Andrew Jatzkowski Rank: Member Stance on Friendship: Hates

When you first meet Andrew you’ll probably think he’s a fairly decent person, but know this: it is all lies. He is guilty of the crime of breaking the sacred covenant of Secret Santa. The only way to atone for such a heinous transgression is to bring food to BGC at some point for all to share. Until that day I name him beast and will say no more!

Name: Marcus Carreira Rank: Member Stance on Friendship: Loves

Marcus is one of those people who will appear when you least expect them to and he's not even a stalker. Walking around New Westminster: Marcus is there. Going to the grocery store: Marcus is there. Sitting in your bedroom: Marcus is there. Thankfully, Marcus also appears when you do expect him to (such as at BGC and BGC related events) and will play games intelligently which is a lot more than most of the people on this list can say.

Name: Jonathan Doyle Rank: Member Stance on Friendship: Loves

Jon, or Baby Doyle as we like to call him, being the youngest member in BGC is inconveniently under the drinking age. On the bright side, he is also the future of the BGC as the current executive grows older/closer to graduating. On second thought that's more of a dark side so let's forget what I just said and pretend that the real world doesn't exist.

Name: Cherie Shea Rank: Member Stance on Friendship: Hates

Cherie is our most marginalized member in that every photograph she is in she is standing off to one side and is never at the center. We're not entirely certain why this is. Perhaps it is due to the bias of our official photographer. My theory is that Cherie prefers to watch from the sidelines, biding her time, waiting until we are most complacent before striking. I am terrified of her.

Name: Aries Li Rank: Member Stance on Friendship: Indifferent

Rather than talking about how Aries is as a person I want to talk about how he looks like an old, angry, Asian dad in that photo. You can tell he's berating the other players over the importance of wheat to a strong colony or some other such point. A lot of it is in his scrunched up face, but the real kicker is the single, outraged finger waggling in the air. He commands everyone's attention except Kevin who, as per usual, doesn't give a shit.



Name: Rob Tan Rank: Member Stance on Friendship: Indifferent

This is pretty much the only photographic evidence I could find that Rob ever attended a BGC meeting and he's not even looking at the camera and the focus is on Damian (as is required by law). Despite this lack of picture proof, I know that Rob shows up frequently and I cannot help but admire his skill at dodging Dana's camera. I'm not sure how he does it, but I'm going to assume its some sort of black magic.

Name: Taylor Laan Rank: Ex-Treasurer Stance on Friendship: Hates

Taylor was our treasurer for the first 5 semesters or so of BGC, yet the only work he ever did in that capacity was to occasionally threaten to embezzle money. The fact that he’s retained this position for two and a half years is a sign of just how apathetic we are as a club. I’m pretty sure he’s been carried this far on his smile alone. He won’t hesitate to backstab you in a game, but then he’ll grin at you and you’ll forget why you were mad at him in the first place. He'll appear all happy and friendly on the outside, but don't be fooled; on the inside he is secretly plotting your gruesome death.

Name: Jenerika Csanyi Rank: Ex-VP/Member Stance on Friendship: Indifferent

Jennifer and Erika (or Jenerika as we affectionately call them) are identical twins. One of them was our vice-president, but we’re still not certain which it is. Despite their physical similarities, their personalities are almost exactly the same. They’re both unapologetic weeaboos, share the same little quirks (like putting question marks at the end of sentences that aren’t questions?), and like facial hair. The only real difference is that one of them hates friendship and the other one loves it. Together they cancel out and are indifferent.

Name: Kevin Rey Rank: Ex-VP Stance on Friendship: Hates

I’ve known Kevin for many years and I think it’s safe to say that no one shall ever surpass him in creativity for coming up with excuses to ditch his friends. Some of his more notable reasons include: eating dinner with his parents, band camp, bible camp, regattas, having a girlfriend, saxophone shopping, and “I was going to come over but then after dinner we ended up at Maddie’s house, you know Maddie right? Anyway we went there and we were having a good time and talking and stuff and you know what guys? You know what guys? I am really tired.” I think that last one succinctly summarizes both his hatred of friendship and his roundabout way of accomplishing nothing. Kevin is a special person and I’m glad to count him amoung my friends.

Name: Daniel Bowes Rank: Ex-VP Stance on Friendship: Hates

The above photo is no mistake. Daniel is a bucket of chicken grease and dirty napkins. No matter what he does or how hard he tries, Daniel always manages to ruin everything. My goal in life is to be best man at Daniel’s wedding just so I can tell the assembled family and friends what a horrible person he is. If that fails then I hope to outlive him so I can give the eulogy at his funeral. I’m not going to explain why’s he’s the worst. He knows why, and all that matters is that you don’t give him any respect.

My Top 10 Posts

On this New Year’s Eve I write my 101st post and since New Years is in general a time for looking back, and because this is a milestone of sorts for me, I thought I’d take a look back at my 10 favourite posts. I’ll start with the oldest and work my way up towards the most recent and perhaps we’ll get a few laughs along the way as we recall my brilliant writing.

January 30th, 2010 – The Room
I would be much remiss if I didn’t begin with the first post I ever wrote which I believe still holds up to this day. It was a fun and funny way to review of a movie that I don’t think can be critiqued in any conventional manner. Interestingly enough, I think it remains the longest post I ever wrote, though Honk Kong Story may be longer.

March 13th, 2010 – Ms New Booty
I kind of feel bad about extensively making fun of some woman on the internet I’ve never met, but it was pretty funny. In some small way she changed my outlook on the world. I spent quite some time on her videos and my friends and I still have plenty of inside jokes relating to it, but when I all was said and done I realized that I was sick of watching people fail at being talented. It is for this reason that I have not seen the entirety of Rebecca Black’s “Friday” and I am grateful. Also, sadly the link provided in the post no longer works, and I’m too lazy to find a new one. That’s probably for the best actually.

April 13th, 2010 – An Average Day in Maple Ridge
I’ve written many fictionalized stories about my friends, but this one stands out as the funniest and most entertaining. Even though clearly none of my friends behave so ridiculously in real life and my hometown isn’t quite as bad as I make it out to be, there is still a kernel of truth to the story which is makes it that much more enjoyable.

June 24th, 2010 – How to Be a Geek
It’s very difficult to categorize what makes a geek, and in some way I think everybody is geeky, but I think this post did a good job of outlining what makes the geekiest geek possible. It was great fun to conceive and to write, and I think makes for a pleasant read. Looking back, I’m proud to see that I have increased my geek status since I last played it as I have now gotten into D&D, dressed up as the Sniper in public, and expanded my knowledge on comic books. Still need to fulfill my manga quota however.

September 23rd, 2010 – Why Transformers is a Terrible Movie
For a blog that was originally created with the intention of exclusively writing movie reviews, I don’t really talk about movies all that often. Of the handful that I have done, this one turned out the best I think. I believe it accomplishes what it sets out to do in the title (demonstrate why Transformers sucks) and does so in a way that makes for an interesting read while looking at the bigger picture of growing trends in Hollywood.

October 18th, 2010 – The Playstation Move
Fiddling around with the Playstation Move was one of the most hilarious things I’ve ever done. Even though the Move is clearly a gimmick, I still regard that day as quality time spent with friends. Looking back on it and re-reading this post still makes me giggle as I picture that penis plane in my head with that dreadful little creature riding it. Although I hope to never have to suffer through the Move ever again, I still remember this fondly.


November 23rd, 2010 – Rules I Live By
Every now and then I do a post about myself which is normally ends up being either self-deprecating or self-aggrandizing and never a very accurate representation of myself or how I see myself. This one strikes a bit of a balance between the two extremes and is fairly truthful to how I am. I also find it to be quite humourous as I pick apart my own little quirks and shortcomings while not necessarily saying that they need to be fixed.

February 14th, 2011 – Valentine’s Day
I put a surprising amount of thought and preparation into this post, making a video and writing a sonnet specifically for a holiday that I don’t care about at all. I think the end result was relatively creative compared to most of what I do, and put a fun, devious little twist on traditional romantic gifts. Also, any excuse to remind you all of my creepy teddy bear voice is a good excuse.

June 16th, 2011 – The Vancouver Riots
The title for this piece is a bit misleading as what I wrote ended up being far more accurate than I originally intended. It was a crazy day and writing out my experiences and putting them in order helped me put it all into perspective and understand what it was I saw. The riot and my recording of it was somewhat cathartic for me, and for that reason I rank it amoung one of my best and most important posts.

December 17th, 2011 – Japanese Children’s Show Segment
There are very few posts I can think of that I enjoyed researching more than this one. Watching countless videos of a disorganized group of toddlers run around, fall over, and fail to perform a simple dance gave me more delight than it probably should have. It reminded me of going to my sister’s figure skating events. All anybody cared about or wanted to see were the little kids who could barely stay upright skate from one end of the ice to the other and then back again. All of them would fall over at some point, and at least one would only make it halfway. The occasion was as joyous as it was adorable. I also greatly enjoyed writing the article and coming up with I think is colourful imagery.

I was thinking of putting this post you’re reading right now in here as one of my favourites, but I figured there was enough pretentious bullshit on this blog as it is. Instead I’ll leave you with my hopes that you’ll continue to bear with me and my ramblings in the year to come (I don’t just write all this for me you know), and that I’ll post with greater consistency (perhaps that should be my New Years resolution). Have a good one.

Bonus points to whoever links to their own favourite post of mine.

The Room Revisited

Fun fact: this is my one hundredth post and in honour of the occasion I thought it might be fun to revisit the subject matter of my first real post, and the reason for my creation of this blog in the first place, The Room. Now by this point I am sure you’re all well aware of why this movie fails hilariously and most of you have already seen it (perhaps several times) so I won’t waste time re-describing everything that happens. Instead I’ll focus on the cult and mythos that surrounds the film and my opinions on it.

When I wrote that post way back at the beginning of 2010 I had only seen it once and invented a drinking game based on my initial impressions. Since then I have seen it countless more times, twice in a theatre filled with a screaming, spoon-throwing audience (an experience I recommend you all try even if you’ve already seen the movie, trust me when I say it’s better). Now it’s been over a year since I’ve seen it last, but will see it shortly with a group of friends that is yet to be exposed to it. I expect they’ll find it stupendously horrendous like everybody else. For my part, I’m sure I’ll laugh along with them, but I’ll have something beyond the terrible script, acting, and set design to be shaking my head at; the fact that Tommy Wiseau has managed to build a successful career off of failure.

When his movie started to become popular with audiences and word of its awfulness began to spread, Wiseau saw that people weren’t watching it for the drama and tragedy as he originally intended, but rather so they could laugh at his terrible film and mock his ineptness. A man of dignity may have halted all screenings of his film and crept away in shame, but Wiseau went a different route. He embraced the derision; he laughed along with everybody else laughing at him and pretended that this was his intention the whole time. And you know what? It worked for him. The popularity of him and The Room continue to increase, and by this point I’m sure he’s made quite a bit of money off of it. He’s turned his image of comical failure to his advantage and now stars in his own webseries, The Tommy Wi-Show, where he comically fails at video games, and the short film, The House that Drips Blood on Alex, where he comically fails at acting. It’s blatantly clear that he’s self-aware now. He’s like that weird little kid on the playground that nobody talks to or interacts with until that one day when he falls in dog shit. Everybody starts laughing at him and, desperate for any sort of attention or interaction, he laughs with them and starts piling more dog shit on himself shouting, “You love me! You really love me!” until it stops being funny and just becomes sad. Though I don’t think it’s quite reached that point yet, it’s definitely getting there. And even when it does get to that point, Wiseau will still have the millions he got from all the people who paid to see his shitty movie and he’ll have the last laugh with the joke on us.

In many ways I think Tommy Wiseau is emblematic of our culture, the man of our age you might say. We live in a world of Failblogs, Jersey Shores, and Rebecca Blacks where people with no discernible talent inexplicably find themselves in the limelight, dance their little monkey dance, and scream and tug at one another’s hair for a second longer in the public eye before finally fading into oblivion. And we eat it all up, laugh at their feeble movements, and throw nickels and dimes at their feet until we forget about them and move on to the next sideshow. Tommy Wiseau understands this system and has perfected his own method to exploit it. By not getting too big too fast he doesn’t burn out after a week. Instead he stays on the peripheral and slowly works his way towards the center, milking us for every dollar he can get while drawing it out as long as possible. In this regard he is a genius and a true visionary. But in a more accurate regard he’s a silly man with a silly accent who stumbled into popularity, thought, “Hey! I like money!” and just rolled with it.

Similar to how I’ve come to feel about Harry Potter, I find that I’ve become a shade more pessimistic regarding The Room. The original innocence and excitement I went in with when I saw it for the first time has now disappeared. This leaves me with one profound question: what ever happened to Denny?

Bonus points to anyone who can tell me what happened to Denny.

A Look Back on Harry Potter

2011 saw the last installment in the Harry Potter film franchise and for many it was bittersweet moment where a beloved chapter of their childhood was coming to a close. My reaction however was complete indifference, and when I tell this to people they often give me confused looks and ask how I can be so nonchalant about the whole thing. Here I shall look back on my relationship with Harry Potter and attempt to explain why I stopped caring long ago.

I’ve noticed that a big part of Harry Potter fandom, at least early on, was bragging about how often you’ve read the book or how many times you’ve seen the movies. Well I’m going to make a confession that may just blow your fucking minds: I’ve only read each book once and haven’t seen any of the films after the first one. It’s not that I’ve come to dislike Harry Potter. I still enjoy the books and consider myself a fan (albeit not a diehard one), but I never really saw much point in re-reading them over and over again, and the movies I simply found to be subpar and not as good as the books so I wasn’t all that interested in lining up for the midnight releases. Instead I just read different books that piqued my interest, rather than obsessing over one series. When people tell me, “I’ve read Philosopher’s Stone seven times, how about you?” I respond, “I’ve only read it once and then I read Animal Farm, Lord of the Rings, The Giver, Watchmen, The Once and Future King, One Hundred Years of Solitude, etc.,” and then they walk away thinking I’m a pretentious dick. My point being, I found a whole other world of literature and wonder outside of Harry Potter and felt no strong desire to return once I’d left.

I started reading Harry Potter some time in elementary school prior to the release of the 4th book. I enjoyed the charm, magic, and adventure of the 1st book, found myself incredibly bored by the 2nd, and enjoyed Prisoner of Azkabam most of all. There were plenty of interesting characters, but when I look back now I find it impossible to choose a favourite not because they are so many great ones that spring to mind, but because there aren’t really any who stand out as my particular favourite. If I were forced to choose I suppose I would go with Lupin, but I never really felt like I got to know him. Meanwhile the main trio I found myself mostly sick of by the end of the series. With the publication of Goblet of Fire, I felt that the series had lost the original charm I fell in love with, and I started disliking Harry, Ron, and Hermione. Most would argue that this is because the series adopted a more adult tone, but despite the increase in bloodshed and the higher word count, I didn’t feel that these were now serious novels. A bunch of romantic subplots were shoehorned in that I found cringe-inducing, the characters don’t really mature (if anything, Harry is more of a whiny brat by the end), and the plot got increasingly silly even for a work of fantasy. Before I read the last book I predicted that Harry would die and then come back to life in an inadequately explained manner. I was sorely disappointed to find out I was right. I’m not going to kid myself into believing that this was ever high literature, and to believe that it is misses the whole point to Harry Potter. It’s a magical world of escapism that’s fun to read and filled with adventure. At least that’s what it was at the start. By the end I found myself reading the final book only because I’d read all of the previous ones and decided that I might as well finish it off. That’s not to say it was a terrible book, but it just wasn’t the same anymore.

In many ways it’s rather sad that I became disillusioned with this aspect of my childhood which at its height comprised quite a large portion of it. I just can’t bring myself to see it with the same veil of nostalgia that everybody else sees it through. The same thing has happened with many other cultural touchstones while I was growing up. Everything to do with Pokemon other than the video games I now find terrible, Digimon wasn’t much better, Dragonball Z was mostly grunting, and the Redwall books were absurdly violent, repetitive, and overlong. Even Star Wars seems pretty silly now and I fucking loved Star Wars. Really the only thing I still view as being equally great now as when I first saw it is the Lord of the Rings trilogy. So now as I sit here reminiscing on Harry Potter and my childhood, I suppose it was more good than bad. It gave me more pleasant experiences overall than so-so experiences (I wouldn’t say I had any bad ones), but I won’t miss it and the only reason I’d go back to it is in the unlikely scenario that I have children of my own. For now I’ll just put it all behind me and finish up the far more magical and gripping Sandman series which I highly recommend you all read if you haven’t already.

The Amazing Adventures of the Power Twins

Whenever evil rears its ugly head, have no fear! The Power Twins are always on hand to save the day! On the one hand there’s Erika armed with the ability to fly, turn invisible, shoot lightning from her hands, amazing durability, and super strength! On the other hand there is Jennifer with her spectacular ability to knit and sew, and also she has a car! Together they beat back the terrifying Tentacle Rape Monster, foiled the plot of the devious Doctor Machinegunhands, and locked away the vile Vendetta Knife Zombie! But can they surmount their deadliest obstacle yet, Andrew, who broke the sacred covenant of Secret Santa and has the power to control and manipulate ice as cold as his heart? When we last left our heroes they were on their way to his secret lair in the Canadian Arctic. Let’s check in on them now for the conclusion to their adventure.

Andrew’s had taken great precautions to establish his hideout in the least accessible location possible. To get there one had to travel many kilometers along twisty and icy roads filled with hairpin turns around steep cliffs. One wrong move would send you plummeting over the edge to a cold and lonely death. Compounding matters was the fact that it always snows heavily in this area of the world thanks to Andrew’s powers, making the road even more difficult to travel. Luckily, even the most dangerous of road conditions were no match for Jennifer and her expert driving skills.

“Are there yet?” asked Erika after a prolonged silence, “I’m bored.”

“Shut up okay! I’m trying to concentrate,” replied her irate and stressed sister.

“Sheesh! Why are you in such a bad mood?”

“We’re not exactly in the prairies right now. I kinda need to focus on the road right now.”

“You know I could just fly us there, right? It would probably be a lot faster.”

“Shut up! I can do this!”

“Okay, okay. Don’t throw a hissy fit. You don’t always need to prove that you’re useful. You can totally do stuff! We’d be freezing without those scarves you made.”

“I’m not trying to prove anything! I’m just as powerful as you!”

“Of course you are. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.”

“Oh, look. We’re here!” Jennifer pointed out excitedly as they cam upon a massive ice fortress atop the mountain peak. They rushed inside and found Andrew sitting upon his icy throne with his hands clasped together and a grimace on his face.

“Well, well, well. If it isn’t Jenerika. I’ve been expecting you, though I must say you’re a tad late,” sneered the villain.

“We’re called The Power Twins!” shouted Jennifer angrily.

“I like the sound of Jenerika better. Has a nice ring to it don’t you agree?” inquired Andrew snidely.

“Shut up! We’re here to bring you to justice for all of your past crimes!” Erika threatened.

“We’ll see about that. Ice minions! Get them!”

At that a slew of misshapen ice creatures burst forth from the floor and charged at our heroes. Erika made short work of them with her electrical shocks. Andrew threw razor sharp ice shards at her faster than a blink of an eye, but she shrugged off the blows without a scratch. Next he attempted to freeze her in place with ice, but she broke free effortlessly. Jennifer meanwhile hid behind a rock.

“Curses!” cursed Andrew, “You may be impervious to my attacks, but I’d like to see you follow me down below the icy depths of the Arctic Sea.” And with that he hopped inside his ice submarine that was sticking out of a crack in the ice and launched into the ocean.

“How can he get to the ocean when we’re on top of a mountain?” wondered Erika aloud.

“Logic doesn’t matter right now. What matters is that we have to follow him.”

“How are we going to do that?”

“Leave that to me,” said Jennifer as she broke out her knitting tools. With tremendous speed she knitted a fully-functional submarine complete with periscope. They smiled at one another, clambered inside, and gave chase to Andrew. In no time at all they had caught up with him for he believed that he was completely safe beneath the waves and was taking his sweet time. It came as quite a surprise when his radar indicated that the twins were close behind, but by then it was too late. They rammed into his starboard side and punched a rather large hole into his icy vessel. He manage to seal it back up again, by freezing the water that poured in, and he breathed a sigh of relief that the twins had not used to the opportunity to rush aboard.

“Don’t get too comfortable,” said a voice behind him. He turned in shock to see Erika materialize behind him winding up a punch. She jammed her fist into his stomach and sent him flying across the sub into the walls. He slumped down on the ground unconscious. She then piloted the ship to the surface and carried Andrews limp body to her sister’s waiting ship.

“He’s down for the count. Time to go home,” said Erika Cheerfully. Jen made a really lame pun about ice which I shall not repeat here, and they both returned to Surrey where they handed Andrew over to the prison authorities who shut him up in solitary confinement for rejecting the ways of Secret Santa. They then went and made a nice cup of hot cocoa and did weeaboo things like watch anime, read manga, speak in Japanese for no reason, fawn over their favourite androgynous characters, and cosplay.

Dark Dave Conquers the Moon

The other day a friend was telling me how she often sympathizes with the villains in stories which reminded of an assignment I did back in high school in Writing 12 where we had to write a children's story. Since I was feeling lazy today, I decided I'd just put that up for you instead of writing brand new material (though I did alter the ending a bit). Enjoy.

Of all the supervillains in history of time there has only been one that can claim to be the evilest. A villain so vile that all the heroes tremble in fear at the mention of his name, and all the crooks bow low as he walks past. That villain is me, Dark Dave.

I have the power to send things flying and to run really, really fast. I have a black cape and a black mask. I have a ray gun and a watch that glows in the dark. But I don’t have a secret lair.

I need to find the perfect place for a base. Somewhere nobody would ever look surrounded in darkness. Some place large enough to house all my contraptions and clever plans. I don’t know where that place could be, but it’s definitely not my bedroom.

With no clue what I should use as a lair I turned to the sky for ideas. And there it was. Of course! It was so obvious. The moon had it all, and best of all there was nobody else up there to bother me or tell me what to do. I could hardly wait to go, but first I had to get some special equipment.

I rushed to my toy- I mean Box of Evil to gather my stuff. I knew that there was no air on the moon and no gravity either. So I got my snorkel so I could breathe and put some rocks in my pockets to weigh me down. That should do it. Now all I had to do was get there.

Most people get to the moon on rocketships, but I don’t have a rocketship so I’ll have to come up with something else. I might try building my own, but I don’t think I have the stuff to do that. Rocketships also make lots of fire and I know that fire is hot and if the stove has taught me anything it’s that hot things hurt.

First I tried jumping, but I couldn’t even reach the roof of my house. So I tried putting springs on my shoes to give me more bounce, but when I tried jumping on them I just fell flat on my face. I’ll work on that little kink when I get to the moon.

Maybe I could fly there, like a bird. That sounds easy enough. All I have to do is make some wings. Luckily I am great inventor so that shouldn’t be too hard. Just cut up some paper to look like feathers and then glue it onto some cardboard and presto! You got a pair of wings. Now I just have to try them out.

Bad news. It didn’t work as well as I’d hoped. No matter how fast I ran I couldn’t get in the air. I don’t know how kites do it. Birds just jump out of trees to fly, so I thought it was worth a shot. My mom, on the other hand, did not. But it wasn’t all bad. It did give me another idea.

When I climbed the tree in my backyard I realized that it was the closest I had come to reaching the moon. It kind of worked like a ladder. And that’s how I came up with the idea to build a ladder to the moon. It’s safe, cheap, and foolproof. I think the tree will be a good place to start building from. It’s already pretty high and I kind of like it up there.

All the supplies I need are in my basement. It’s pretty dark down there, but nowhere near as dark as Dark Dave. I ran down the stairs and found the hammer, some nails, and as much wood as I could carry then ran back up as fast as I could (I was pressed for time you see, so I had to run).

I took everything outside and got to work. This was going to take a long time. I figure at least three hours. I might not even be finished before bedtime. It was really tough work and some things didn’t nail together quite right, but I kept at it because Dark Dave never gives up.

My dad saw me building outside and came out to see what was up. I told him I was building a ladder to the moon. He asked if I wanted any help. At first I thought Dark Dave should work alone, but then I realized that most villains have minions. So I told him that he could help.

He wasn’t really much help though. Nothing he did looked like the plan I had in mind. It didn’t even really look like a ladder. I think he even put a roof on it. What kind of ladder has a roof on it? Oh well. I guess you can’t expect much from a mindless minion. I’ll make some better ones after I reach the moon.

After a while I was feeling hungry so I went inside get some food. A villain can’t work on an empty stomach after all. And I left my minion outside to continue with the plans. On the way back from the kitchen I got distracted by the T.V. I wanted to see if I had made the news yet. Turns out cartoons don’t tell you the news.

After a while I decided to go back outside to see how my minion was doing. What I saw looked nothing like a ladder at all. It looked more like a small house, and it was in a tree of all places. I think even the worst minions know the difference between a ladder and a house so I must have the worst minion ever.

I was about to go yell at my minion who was still working on the house, but when I climbed up I was impressed by what I saw. It was really roomy in the treehouse with plenty of space for all my gadgets and plans and best of all it was dark. Maybe my minion isn’t so bad after all. I might hire him on steady.

So now I finally have my secret lair. I call it The Fortress of Doom. I put in a table to work at and brought up all of my best devices. I even made a super secret candy hole where I hide my favorite food. It may not be the moon, but as I look up into the night sky and see it shining down, I realize it was with me all along. It’s time to start plotting…

Bonus points to whoever can come up with a good name for Dark Dave's mortal enemy.

The True Meaning of Boxing Day

I woke up on Boxing Day feeling tired and depressed. I wondered to myself what the point to this holiday was and why it existed in the first place. As far as I could see, every Christmas people come together as a family for love, and then the very next day all of that is forgotten and replaced by a mindless consumer orgy. Normally I just spend this meaningless day reading in my room, but on this particular Boxing Day I was invited out to a party with some friends. This alternative to shopping gave me hope. This year, I was going to enjoy friendship and I wasn’t going to all of that consumerism get to me!

I went to go pick up my good friend, Zach, on the way to the party and I expressed my frustrations with December 26^th. He listened while I ranted and once I was finished he said, “You know what you need? A cookie,” and offered me a molasses cookie out of the tin he was carrying. I sighed, but accepted since molasses cookies are delicious. We spent the remainder of the drive discussing various philosophical issues and totally not just talking about X-Men.

We got distracted by our debate, got lost, and arrived at the party an hour later than intended. When we finally entered the host’s house I was surprised to find only five other people (including the host) were there.

“Where is everybody?” I asked.

“I think most of them are Boxing Day shopping,” replied Joanna.

“Kevin just called and said he forgot, but would be coming sometime within the next eight hours,” said our host, Jen, or maybe it was her twin sister Erika. I’m never quite sure which is which and they were both standing right next to each other.

“I fucking hate you guys,” supplied Brendan who was almost certainly only here because he had nothing better to do.

Dana took our pictures.

I was deeply saddened by this news, but decided to make the best of it just the same and broke out some board games. We had hardly played for half an hour before Joanna received a text from Lily talking about some amazing sales that were going on and how we should all come and cash in on these deals. I was none too impressed by any of this, but Brendan wanted some new headphones, Dana wanted a new camera lens, Zach wanted to piss me off, and the others wanted to stock up on manga/anime. So out we went to the meet up Lily and a few others at the mall while I grumbled all the way.

As was expected, the mall was jammed packed with customers and it was almost impossible to find our other friends, but we eventually found them at the food court already laden down with countless shopping bags.

“Woooo! Let’s go buy some more clothes,” shouted Lily as soon as we’d greeted each other. I don’t much care for shopping to begin with, and I especially hate shopping when it’s busy, and hate shopping for clothes even more, so this was about the worst possible thing that could have happened. While everybody else ran around picking up everything they could find that met the basic requirements of looking cute and being cheap, I sat in a corner and moped as I tend to do on such occasions. I looked around the store with disinterest until my eyes landed on a humble little toque on top of a shelf. My old toque hasn’t fit on my head since I was twelve, so I figured I might as well pick up a new one. I took it up to the cashier who rang it up at ten dollars. Lily suddenly appeared behind me and inquired what I was buying.

“It’s a toque,” I answered.

“Cool. I much is it?”

“Ten dollars.”

"Even with the sale?” asked Joanna who as she came up on my other side.

“I don’t think it is on sale.”

“What? Then why would you get it?” queried Brendan who had come over to see what was going on.

“Because I like it.”

“Well there’s a different toque right over here that’s 50% off. Just think of the savings!” Dana contributed.

“I like this one better, but thanks anyways.”

“You’re weird man. You don’t get Boxing Day at all,” observed Lily.

“I must admit that I do not. Is there anybody here who can explain to me why we all go apeshit every December 26^th over crap we don’t need? Can anybody explain to me what Boxing Day is really all about?”

“I can Snake-Eyes,” chimed in Zach, “lights please.” The lighting didn’t change at all, but he launched into his monologue anyway. “So every year right after we celebrate the birth of baby Jesus and things like love, family, generosity and all that good stuff, the next day we all reflect on boxing. Not the fighting type of boxing, but like the boxing where you put things into boxes. The reason for this is because the day after Jesus was born and all the people had brought their gifts, Mary and Joseph needed a place to store all the stuff because how is a baby supposed to use things like gold, frankincense and myrrh? But they were poor and in a manger filled with animals, right? So they didn’t really have any safe place to store it away from the elements. But since Joseph was a carpenter he just made a bunch of boxes out of wood and put all the stuff in there and then kept it around the back. That’s the true meaning of Boxing Day, Snake-Eyes.”

“What the fuck are you talking about, Zach? That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard,” I exclaimed.

“Well what did you expect me to say? It’s just an excuse to buy stuff at ridiculously low prices.”

“Oh now I get it. On second thought, I will get that cheaper toque.”

And then we all sang the classic Boxing Day song, “Eye of the Tiger.”

The End