Saturday, July 24, 2010

Vampire Girl Part 2

Oh man. If you thought part 1 was retarded, you haven't seen nothing yet. Against my better judgment, my friends convinced me to introduce a character more retarded than any other character yet seen. And then I decided to up the ante and add a pretty retarded character of my own. Enjoy.

(Lucy and William are sitting together in class)

William: That girl is giving me the creeps.

Lucy: What girl?

William: The one who's turned around completely in her chair and has been staring at me for the past 20 minutes.

Lucy: Oh, that one. She totally has the hots for you. You defs for sure ask her out.

William: No. Just no.

Lucy: Oh come on. You need to lighten up.

William: I am not going out with some creepy, pasty faced 18-year old and risk revealing our identity.

Lucy: What's the worst that could happen?

William: Um, she tells everyone we're vampires and then the whole town murders us with pitchforks.

Lucy: Oh right. I forgot about that.

William: You always do.

*bell rings*

William: Thank god. Let's get out of this place and go home.

Lucy: But the day's only half done. We still have two more classes after lunch.

William: Shit, really? Fuuuuuuuuuck!

Creepy Girl from class: Hey. Are you new around here?

William: Yep just moved here from another city. Well nice meeting you, but we have to go.

Creepy Girl: Wait, I didn't get your name. Mine is Anna.

Lucy: I am Lucy. Well I have to go meet Kate for lunch. See you later. (exits)

William: Yeah, I also have to go meet somebody...

Anna: You still didn't give me your name.

William: *sigh* It's William.

Anna: Nice to meet you William. You seem so strange and different.

William: Yah both those words kinda mean the same thing. And what the heck is that supposed to mean anyway?

Anna: I don't know what to think of you.

William: It would probably be best if you don't think about it at all.

Anna: I want you.

William: Um, what?

Anna: I can't live without you.

William: Ok, this is getting really fucked up, really fast.

Anna: I am but a tool to be used by you in any way you see fit. I am a blank slate which you can shape into any form you wish as your needs require. My only defining quality is my relationship to you. I am nothing without my man.

William: Holy fuck. That's fucked up. You are the most unrealistic woman I have ever met. You must come from Bizarro world or something, because you are as fucked as they come. I am leaving now, and I never want to hear from or speak to you again.

Anna: I am yours to command husband.

William: Oh fuck off.

(Meanwhile Lucy is waiting at her locker for Kate)

Lucy: Man where is Kate. Is she ditching me? What a total bitch. I hate her now. I'll never forgive her ever.

Curly haired boy with glasses: Um, is something wrong? You seem a little distressed.

Lucy: Oh its nothing. My friend was supposed to meet me here, but she bailed.

Curly glasses guy: Aww, that sucks. You can eat lunch with me if it'll make you feel better.

Lucy: Sure. My name is Lucy, I am a vampire.

Curly: My name is Oscar, I am a werelock.

Lucy: A werelock? What's that?

Oscar: When the moon rises I gain magical powers. So I go to high school by day, and warlock school by night to hone my craft.

Lucy: Oh ok, I guess that makes sense.

Oscar: It is my duty to protect the world from, and eventually defeat, the evil Duke Zolderno.

Lucy: Oh that's cool. I like turtles.

Oscar: Nice! Let's go to the library to eat.

Lucy: Okey dokey!

Stay tuned for part 3 coming soon.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Vampire Girl

Every now and then my friends and I develop ideas for what we believe would be the most popular show to ever hit television screens despite the fact that it would be terrible and that we would hate it. It's called Vampire Girl and it's about a preppy girl in high school who also happens to be a vampire. Here I've decided to finally put pen to paper (or whatever you call it when you're typing things out on a computer), but I must extend credit to all those who helped come up with it. You know who you are.

Lucy (narrating): Hi. My name is Lucy and I am about to start my first day at Emil Faber High School. I've only been here a few minutes, and already I've seen a ton of cute guys around, but none are as babelicious as Douglas Marlowe. He's so dreamy. I hope we can be together. I love him so much. Oh there goes the bell. Better get to class. I don't want to be late. Oh by the way, I forgot to mention, I'm totally a vampire.

Kate: What?

Lucy: What?

Kate: For some reason you were describing your day to me and how much you liked this Douglas guy, and then you just said you were a vampire. What the hell was that all about?

Lucy: Oh, umm... Can you keep a secret?

Kate: Are you sure you want to be telling me all this? Like we just met a minute ago. I don't think you even know my name.

Lucy: Don't worry. I just feel that we are going to be best friends.

Kate: I don't know. You're kinda weird.

Lucy: I'm a vampire.

Kate: Yah, you said that like just a few seconds ago.

Lucy: You're not going to tell anyone are you?

Kate: Um, I guess not. I don't think anybody would believe me. In fact, I am pretty sure I don't believe you.

Lucy: I knew I could count on you. Best friends forever!

Kate: Yah, it doesn't work like that.

Lucy: What's your name?

Kate: Kate.

Lucy: Best friends forever, Kate!

Kate: Great, I am going to class now.

Lucy: See you at lunch! Meet me by my locker.

Kate: I don't know where that is.

Lucy: Bye!

Kate: Bye. (exits)

Lucy: I just know that we're going to be best friends. Well better get to math class before the second bell rings and oh my god its Douglas!

Douglas: Hey, I haven't seen you around here before. Are you new?

Lucy: Yah, my name is Lucy. I'm a vampire.

Douglas: Umm cool, I guess. My name is Douglas, I'm a pretty cool guy.

Lucy: Ha ha ha.

Douglas: Yeah, I guess I'm pretty funny to. Well see you around. (exits)

Lucy: Oh my god. What a hunk.

William: Jesus Christ, there you are! Why the hell did you run off like that? You're supposed to stick close to me, remember?

Lucy: I'm 118 years old William. I don't need a babysitter.

William: Oh yeah? How many people have you told that you're a vampire today?

Lucy: Two.

William: Ok, so the correct answer to that question is supposed to be zero.

Lucy: But Kate is my best friend and Douglas is so dreamy.

William: Goddammit Lucy! You are functionally retarded, and you're a vampire. That is a terrible combination. Bringing you here was a horrible idea. Let's just pray those two humans you told didn't believe you.

Lucy: Well then why did you bring me here?

William: That's a great question Lucy. One that we've explained the answer to you fifty times, but a great question nonetheless. Why would somebody who's 118 years old have to go to high school? Oh that's right, because she's a goddamn idiot who thinks it gets dark at night because the sun is sleeping and has the maturity level of a thirteen year-old.

Lucy: You are the worst brother ever.

William: Well if this last ditch effort to smarten you up doesn't work, then you don't have to worry about dealing with me because you'll be dead. Don't forget that The Enclave is starting to see you as a liability. They're tired of cleaning up your messes and we can only cover for you so much. One more big screw-up and that'll be the end of you.

Lucy: You worry too much. I'm 118 years old. I can take care of myself.

William: *sigh* We just established that this is not the case, but whatever, no time for arguing, we have to get to class.

Lucy: Looks like this day is off to a really great start!

William: Stop talking.

And here is where we take our first commercial break. Stay tuned for part 2 further down the line.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

10 Favourite Movie Endings

Great movies often have great endings, and on that note, here are a few of my favorites. Oh, and this should go without saying, but just in case: Spoiler Alert!

10. Finding Elaine - The Graduate

Poor Ben Braddock. The love of his life (Elaine) is about to be married off to some other guy, so he does what any self-respecting hopeless romantic would do in this situation and drives off to the rescue to the tune of Simon and Garfunkel's Mrs. Robinson. This ending is as humorous as it is classic. My favourite part is when Ben uses the cross to fend off the angry mob and then uses the same cross to bar them all inside. I also like the very ending after they hop on the bus, laugh, and then just sort of stare off into space. To some this may seem to be a rather odd ending, but I think it perfectly captures the essence of the film. The whole movie is about Ben trying to find a direction for his life (something which I am beginning to discover I can relate to), and after a long time spent searching he finally found what he looking for in the form of love. So sets his mind to it, leaps the hurdles, and gets the girl... so now what? He's back where he started with no real plan and no easy answers.

9. Big Brawl - Blazing Saddles

I wrote a little bit about this scene in an earlier post, but I'll elaborate a little bit here. Throughout the movie, Mel Brooks is making cracks in the fourth wall separating us from the film, and with this finale he absolutely demolishes it. Unfortunately I couldn't find a clip on Youtube showing the whole thing, but I am sure that little bit I did find will give you a good idea of what I am talking about. As the scene continues, the brawl consumes the entire Hollywood lot and spills over into the street. The main villain hails a taxi and tells the driver to "take me off this picture," he gets out at a theatre that is screening Blazing Saddles, buys a ticket, and watches as the sheriff pulls into the same theatre on his horse. It's pretty much the craziest most hilarious ending ever. And just to put the icing on the cake, the final shot has the sheriff and his deputy ride out of town, dismount, get in a car, and then drive off into the sunset.

8. To my big brother George... - It's a Wonderful Life

The only proof I can give you that I have a soul is the fact that this scene always chokes me up no matter how many times I watch it. Some critics think its sappy, and they may be right, but something about it gets to me. Maybe it's the way everybody rallies together to support the man who's sacrificed so much for them, or maybe it's just seeing a man who was at the end of his tether discover that his life is pretty good and that he has a lot to live for. Whichever it may be, this is one of the most touching endings ever put on celluloid (which is a bit surprising given that the rest of the movie is pretty dark) and as long as I have a heart, will remain one of my favourites.

7. Destroying the Death Star - Star Wars

Hell yeah, this ending is awesome. It's hard to top an epic and tense space laser dogfight with the force hanging in the balance that ends with a freakin planet-sized construction exploding. And just when Darth Vader thinks he has Luke in the palm of his hand, Han Solo comes swooping in on the Millennium Falcon to save the day. Then to top it all off you have this medal presentation ceremony and Chewbacca does his roar thing and then the theme music plays. This is one of those scenes that you mostly describe using sound effects when relating it to other people, so it's kinda hard to translate into the written word so I'll just leave it at that.

6. The End of All Things - LotR: The Return of the King

A lot of people complained about the 10 different endings this movie has, but if you've read the book then you'd realize Peter Jackson cut it down by about a half. Seriously, half of Return of the King is epilogue. They're all touching in their own way, but this is the one that sticks with me the most. Frodo and Sam have literally gone though Hell to complete their quest and now the world is crumbling down around them. The last thing they think of on the brink of death is returning home, and the scenes they remember from The Shire. Of course they don't die, because Gandalf (as usual) comes to save the day, but I think its a nice little touch that, at the end of the road when all is said and done, its the little things that stand out.

5. We'll Meet Again - Dr. Strangelove

I never thought that the end of the world could be so hilarious until I saw this movie. The climax starts off pretty tense, but quickly devolves into the insanity that is the threat of nuclear annihilation. For a moment it seems as though the bomb bay doors won't open and the world will be saved, but alas Major Kong is too resourceful and he opens them just in time. This is the point where the tense atmosphere comes to an end as he rides the nuke to the ground in what is arguably the greatest way to die ever. Jump back to the Pentagon where the President and his aides consider the bleak future. It doesn't take long for them to forget about the massive amount of suffering Doomsday will cause, and begin thinking about how to save their own hides with the maximum amount of sex possible while cooking up ways to take the Cold War underground. It is both laughable and terrifying as the whole scenario doesn't seem like much of a stretch. And what better way to end the world, than with stock footage of nuclear bombs exploding to the tune of Vera Lynn?

4. Final Shootout - The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

If there's one thing director Sergio Leone can do, it's exploit a tense situation for maximum effect. It begins with Clint Eastwood writing the name of the grave that contains a vast sum of gold on a rock. He puts it down in the center of the cemetery and then the staring contest ensues as the title characters square off and prepare themselves. Their eyes dart back and forth as they consider their options in this deadly game of rock, paper, scissors, while their hands slowly inch their way towards their guns. This brief moment seems to drag on forever before the guns are drawn. But when the final outcome is known, you realize that Leone was toying with us the whole time. Their was no real contest "the Good" had unloaded "the Ugly's" gun beforehand making the entire showdown just for show. Despite this (actually probably because of this), Eastwood is still a badass.

3. Frankly my dear... - Gone With the Wind

If nothing else, that final line makes this 4 hour long epic worthwhile. Rhett Butler has been putting up with Scarlett's bullshit for pretty much the whole movie, and finally he decides that enough is enough. I am glad this was made in 1939, because if this film were made today that famous line would probably be, "Frankly my dear, go fuck yourself," which although is quite hilarious, just doesn't quite have that same air of finality about it. In either case, it's a pretty tough ending to beat, but there are still two more to go so it's certainly possible.

2. Realization - The Usual Suspects *DO NOT WATCH THIS CLIP IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE MOVIE*

The Usual Suspects wasn't the first movie to have a twist ending, but without a doubt it perfected it. Just when you think the mystery has been solved in a way that is already surprising to begin with, they throw in this final piece to puzzle which changes everything. And I mean that quite literally. By calling the narrator into question, everything that narrator has told you comes into question as well, and by overlaying sound bites from throughout the movie, Brian Singer makes sure that you know. It's quite the coup de grace and it blew my fucking mind the first time I saw it.

1. Goodbye Ilsa - Casablanca

When it comes to great endings, I don't think any movie will ever top Casablanca. It's absolutely perfect in every way made all the greater since it's not a typical Hollywood ending despite the fact that it was made in 1942 when typical Hollywood endings were all the rage (especially for a WWII piece). This six and a half minute scene is chock full of memorable lines, one of which provided the title for the #2 movie on this list. But my favourite part of this scene isn't a particular line or shot, but how it changed my perspective of the whole film. Casablanca is a movie that wants you to think its a love story, but it's not. It's a story about a man trying to recover his conscience and ultimately does so by sacrificing love. The ending is bittersweet, and it fits perfectly.

Well there you have it. I'd also like to extend a special Honorable Mention to Animal House, who's ending I could not find on Youtube. Just know that it is hilarious and awesome and you should watch it. Here's a link the entire movie if you don't want to rent it.