Valentine's Day

For many men, Valentine’s Day is a chance to prove to their girlfriends/wives/mistresses that they care by purchasing lame, meaningless, and expensive gifts for them. But for others, they really couldn’t give less of a shit, and the emotion that they feel towards their significant other can best be described as apathetic. So, for those of you who want to let your girlfriend know that it’s over, or who just want to test the boundaries of your relationship, then here are some great gift ideas in order from least to most offensive.

5. Chocolates
For this one, the first thing you’re going to do is buy a heart-shaped box of chocolates. As always, the bigger the better, but always stay within your budget. Next, open the box and eat all of the chocolates inside. If you can’t stomach all of them, then just give the rest to your dog/share them with friends and family/throw them in the trash. Now you’re probably thinking that you just give the empty box to your girlfriend, but that would be too obvious and simple. Instead, go out and buy as many mini Kit-Kats, Crunchies, and Reeses (especially is she’s allergic to peanuts) as is necessary to fill up the box. Then carefully wrap the box back up complete with bow and give it to her. She’ll be expecting that you got here a bunch of expensive and delicious confectionaries, but instead all she’ll get is some low-grade Halloween candy. Make sure to take her picture when she makes this discovery.

4. Flowers
For those of you on a very tight budget, this one will probably be the cheapest and easiest gift to give. All you have to do is go out, and gather together a bunch of dead flowers. There are numerous ways to do so. You could go dumpster diving behind the local flower shop, steal some from your mom, or, my personal favourite, go out and pick some dandy lions. Whichever method you choose, you’ll want them to be as smelly, droopy, and gross as possible. For an extra touch, wrap them up in black paper or a printout with pornographic images on it, and tie it all together with duct tape. Upon giving her the bouquet, be sure to say, “When I saw these, I thought of our relationship.”

3. Love Poem
Since time immemorial, men have been writing sappy love poetry for their beloved, and although this form of expression has fallen out of favour in recent years, I still think it holds its charms. But your love poem won’t have anything to do with how beautiful or charming she is, and will instead be designed to humiliate her and point out her many faults. For this reason it is recommended that you customize your poem to the lady in question. Since some of you may not have the poetic inclination, I’ve created my own that should work in most situations called “From Shakespeare to Coen.” For best results, read in public.

My mistress’ eyes are nothing like the sun;
She ranks as the most deformed and foul wench;
The sound of her shrieks sets me at a run,
But I can’t escape her sulfurous stench;
Her lips taste like moist cardboard mixed with ash;
What can I say about her nose? It’s huge.
That rotten smile reveals teeth filled with trash;
On top, hair that crosses all three stooges;
When she walks, the earth rumbles underfoot;
Posterior, is a land best left lost;
Never showers, covered in grime and soot;
Its hard to believe, but her breasts are crossed;
To stroke her skin is to pet a lizard,
And her vagine hang like sleeve of wizard.

2. Money
You’d be hard pressed to find a gift as impersonal as money, which is why it’s the perfect gift for your formerly beloved on this most romantic of holidays. I recommend giving her a ten dollar bill, but if you really want to push it, then a five will do. Don’t go higher than twenty though as you wouldn’t want to make her feel like she’s worth something to you. The real kicker here isn’t in the gift itself, though it is quite insulting. If you really want to get the most bang for your buck, then you’re going to have to work on your delivery. Firstly, don’t hand it right to her, but instead throw it to the ground at her feet and make her pick it up. When she bends down to do so, tell her that she might as well get to work while she’s down there, implying that the cash is payment for her sexual services. Be prepared for physical violence.

1. Teddy Bear
Rather than relying on offending your girlfriend to get her to leave you, this one depends on disturbing her to the point where she’ll flee from you in abject horror. It’s also somewhat complicated and difficult to pull together, but the results are totally worth it. First off you’ll want a teddy bear, preferably one with heart stitched onto it. Next, you’re going to need to create a personalized recorded message from yourself similar to what you can do in some greeting cards (ie. when you push a button or open the card it plays the message). Once you have this you’re going to want to sew it inside the bear in such a way so that when she presses it in the right spot the message will play. I know that there are certain places that will make the personalized message for you, but I’m not sure if any of them will put them inside of teddy bears so you may have to do that part yourself. The message itself should be creepy as hell and suggest to the girl that you are stalking her, watching her sleep, and will potentially murder her. Here’s my example of what the bear could say. Note the voice I use as it contributes even more to the creepy factor than the words.



Bonus points to whoever tells me about the worst gift they have ever given or received (doesn’t have to be a Valentine’s Day present).