Tuesday, April 27, 2010

My Favourite Board Games

As I follow-up to my last post where I bashed on Risk for 5 paragraphs, I decided to make this one where I rank some of my all time favourite board games that you definitely should play if you haven't already. In no particular order, here are ten of my favourites.

Settlers of Catan

This is the game that really got me in to gaming and widely considered to be a classic that popularized German-style board games. Since its release there have been numerous expansions and different versions produced expanding on the basic resource collection/building model, but I prefer it old school. It's a fun game to play even when you're losing.


I remember playing this game when I was like 5, and although its entirely based on die rolls and drawing good cards, it still makes for a fun couple of hours. The best part of the game is the epic feel to it where you're on a grand quest to become the most powerful being in the world, and to smite monsters and other players with your godliness. It's also probably what got me in to RPGs in general.

Puerto Rico

Often cited as the greatest game ever made, this list would be incomplete without Puerto Rico. This game has almost no element of luck to it, and is entirely based on collectively making better decisions than your opponents. One element I like is how interaction between players is indirect. Rather than attacking or stealing from a player, you inconvenience them by making a choice before they can, thus limiting there options. I somehow always manage to come in second.


Silly and crazy, what it lacks in strategy Munchkin more than makes up for in laughs and clever wordplay. This is also one of the earlier games I played and I have now amassed quite a collection of cards. Some of my favourites include: Kill Some Nazis, The Chainsaw of Bloody Dismemberment, the Potted Plant, Curse! Arbitrary Game Balance, Invoke Obscure Rules, Monster the GM Made up Himself, Laugh at the GM's Monty Python Routine, Potion of Idiotic Bravery, 3872 Orcs, Giant Mutant Gerbil Steed, Bow of Grossly Unbalance Combat, Perfectly Ordinary Bunny Rabbit, Thing With a Name So Long There's No Room for a Picture on the Card, and of course the Duck of Many Things.


Currently one of my favourite games to play (perhaps due to my win ratio), Dominion is fun just for all the possible permutations of card combinations and potential strategies. It's easy to pick up, doesn't take too long to play, and the only downside is when you have a turn where you only have 7 gold so you can't afford a province. That sucks balls.


I may have overplayed this western themed card game a bit, but every now and then I get nostalgic for it and realize just how much fun it is. You don't really have to think while you play it, and it's great for large groups of friends. On the downside though, people tend to gang up on one or two guys, sometimes killing them before they even get a turn. I've seen it happen to other as well as myself and that's not really fun at all.

Ticket to Ride

Another German style board game, that revolves around the traveling salesman problem (finding the shortest route between 2 or more points). It's an incredibly simple game that even a child can understand, but also has quite a bit of strategical depth to it. Like Puerto Rico, you don't directly interact with other players, but instead inhibit them by laying down train tracks before they can. It's unlikely that you'll ever play a game where everything goes according to plan, but that just adds to the excitement. The only flaw is that a lot of it comes down to what cards you get.


Easily my favourite party game, Cranium has something for everybody in it: acting, drawing, spelling, trivia, and much more. I have lots of fond memories attached to this game (ask Zach to do his Shirley Temple impression), where riotous laughter and general silliness is bound to occur. The best part is rolling purple, which I manage to do with astounding frequency.


I love this game, but this game hates you with a passion. There are plenty of ways to lose, but only one way to win, and you all have to work together if you want that to happen. You can plan as carefully as you want, but odds are the game will throw a wrench in those plans just to spite you. Even the easiest mode is pretty challenging, and the hardest is fucking impossible. Despite all this, its still a fun game that promises a hectic good time

History of the World

For some reason this game gets a lot of hate from some of my friend, but that doesn't stop me from loving it. Essentially it's a better version of Risk with more of a focus on strategy and careful planning. I also like it because players can't get knocked out of the game, you can't really make alliances against each other, and it's very possible to come from behind and win, so you never have to give up. It still relies heavily on die rolls, but there are ways you can affect the outcome which adds a layer of thought to it. This game is not for people with short attention spans.

Well that about does it, but as a note to my readers in Board Game Club, it looks as though we'll be having a summer get-together at Dana's place, so stay tuned for more information.

Sunday, April 25, 2010


As most of you already know, I am an avid boardgamer. In my experiences I have come across some terrific games along with some sub-par games, but very few can raise my ire as much as Risk. I am sure we are all at least somewhat familiar with this game and its basic premise of world conquest. For those of you who have actually played it, I am sure you are very aware of how deeply flawed it is. I used to play this game quite a bit back in the day, but have since grown leery of it. In fact I don't think I've so much as touched it in the past 7 years. Here are my memories and misgivings of this "classic" game.

So first off, nobody remembers exactly how we're supposed to divide up the territories, so every time we play it changes. Sometimes we just take turns placing units on the board, other times we just draw cards and trade them until everybody is happy with what they have. Whichever way we decide to divide it up, the outcome is always the same: we each have an entire continent to ourselves right off the bat pretty much, and I normally end up with Europe. We all take over what little we don't already control of our respective continents. North America and Africa then proceed to take over the poor sap stuck with South America, with the North invariably winning thanks to having more manpower. Australia just stockpiles everything they have in Indonesia, but it doesn't matter at all since Asia (who nobody bothered to stop from gaining control of Asia) is doing the same thing in Siam. Australia is knocked out and keeps South America company playing Halo. North America, forgetting that Kamchatka connects to Alaska decides that Europe is the biggest threat and turns its attention there. Africa, with little other option, does the same. Europe vainly attempts to defend Iceland while making forays into Africa and desperately trying to make an alliance with Asia who is just stockpiling, waiting for the dust to clear. Europe rage quits. North America and Africa realize that Asia controls half the board and has twice as many units. Its too late to do anything. Asia wins.

Aside from being repetitive, annoying, and boring, Risk has some serious flaws. The dice rolling mechanic, which pretty much defines the entire game, relies completely on luck and doesn't reward strategy so much as having a fuckton of units in the hope that they'll eventually win. That still doesn't always work as I've seen 5 defenders stave off an army of 50 attackers thanks to lucky rolls. Then there's the cards which give an increasing amount of units every time somebody plays them, the idea being that you should put off using them until the best moment. But there is a hand-limit of 5 cards. The result being whoever goes first has to play his cards first and receive the least benefit, and whoever goes last receives a ridiculously huge army. Later on in the game this mechanic tends to favor whoever is already winning, while the losers cry over how unfair the game is.

Risk is a great game for breaking friendships and terrible for forging new ones. It is incredibly anti-social. At first it seems good. People are making secret alliances, joking around, and generally not being antagonistic. But by turn two alliances have been broken, players are alternately sobbing, gloating, and swearing, and pieces are knocked over whenever an attack is successful or unsuccessful. Huge arguments ensue over whether a die roll is on a slant. People scream, punches are thrown, while others laugh until its their turn to lose half of their countries.

In conclusion: Risk is a terrible game that should not be played under any circumstances. The only game that may be worse is Monopoly, but that tends to end less in blood and more just sheer boredom. But that's for another review, so I'll leave it at that.

P.S. For more on Risk watch this hilarious episode of Undergrads.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Super Awesome Sexy Squad

Here's a pilot I made for a brand new TV show about an all Asian crime fighting squad. Think of it as a cross between The A-Team and Superfriends. Enjoy.

*Disclaimer: Any resemblance to real people is unintentional and just a coincidence.*

Narrator: Fed up with all the gangs and violence in the streets, one mysterious man, calling himself Mr. D, assembled an elite group of crime-fighters to combat the growing menace. It's members include...

Justin Time, the unofficial leader of the group who excels at quick-thinking and spur of the moment decisions, making him a great tactician and an asset in any situation.

"Tiger" Lily, an incredibly skilled fighter who's prowess on the battlefield is unmatched. She is capable of effectively using any weapon whether it be a sword, a shotgun, or a stapler.

Eddy Ha-Ha, the funnyman of the group, renown for his devastating one-liners. Unfortunately he is useless in almost every other respect and remains at the base during most missions, providing moral support and bad directions.

Michel Tranny, half man, half woman, and adept in the art of seduction. He/She can charm the pants off of anybody, male or female, regardless of which way they swing.

Aleck the Dalek, a man who is under the delusion that he is a Dalek from the popular British sci-fi series, Dr. Who. Luckily this crippling condition has turned him into an unstoppable killing machine, indispensable in any battle. Unfortunately he is also prone to turning on his teammates, leading some hilarious situations as well as debilitating injuries.

Joanna "4-Chan", the resident techie of the group, providing valuable information on criminals as well as many useful gadgets. She is foul-mouthed and spends an uncomfortable amount of time on the internet, either playing online games or ranting on forums.

Big Bad Brendan(?), the most terrifying man in existence. When you look into his eyes you learn the true meaning of despair. No one is sure how to spell his name, but one thing is for certain; you don't want to get on his bad side. Also he's a master of stealth.

Re-Joyce, the demolitions expert who's two greatest passions are explosions and arson. I don't know what's more disturbing: the amount of destruction she is capable of, or the amount of pleasure she takes in it.

Together they form S.A.S.S. The Super Awesome Sexy Squad.

(starwipe to the S.A.S.S. HQ where the team is sitting around minding their own business)

voice of Mr. D: Attention! Super Awesome Sexy Squad! There's a robbery in progress down at the bank!

Justin: We're all over it! Super Awesome Sexy Squad! Roll out like a herd of turtles!

(starwipe to S.A.S.S. arriving at the bank)

Michel: Oh no! The robbers have electronically wired this door shut!

Justin: Looks like this is a job for you, 4-Chan.

4-Chan (on laptop): K, hold on one minute.

Justin: What is it?

4-Chan: I've almost downed Kazulbul, Lord of the Damned.

Tiger: Why did you start that when you knew we were going on a mission.

4-Chan: Because fuck off okay!

Re-Joyce: Can't I just blow the door open?

Justin: No, because that would be destruction of property.

Re-Joyce: So?

Justin: So we're supposed to be the good guys, and we're not allowed to do that.

4-Chan: Stupid fucking team!

Michel: Hey! That's not nice.

4-Chan: Not you guys. My raid team wiped. Good for nothing asstards.

Justin: So can you open the door now?

4-Chan: Fine. I guess. This should take me about five seconds.

(starwipe to 5 seconds later)

4-Chan: K, its done.


Justin: Hold on Aleck, we need to make a plan first. Brennan, go find out what we're up against.

Brandan: I will be silent like a rabbit drowning in a pit of tar.

Justin: Yah you do that.

(starwipe to 5 minutes later)

Brandon: There's three of them inside the vault. No hostages. Only civilian is the manager.Toilet water is clean-

Justin: Ok, thank you Brett. That's enough.

Michel: So what's the plan boss?

Justin: Re-Joyce throw in a flash grenade to throw them off. Tiger and Aleck-


Justin: Take out the robbers in the vault. 4-Chan and Brandan guard the entrance in case more show up. Michel you get the manager out of there. Alright let's do it!

Eddy: What about me boss?

Justin: Oh, you're here? Just play with this yo-yo.

Eddy: I don't know if I want to walk the dog in this neighborhood.

Michel: Ha, ha! Nice one Eddy.

(starwipe to inside of bank, Re-Joyce throws a flash grenade, stunning the evildoers)

Robber 1: Ah my eyes!

Justin: Halt in the name of the law!

Robber 2: Oh no! It's the Super Asian Sexy Squad!

Robber 1: I seriously can't see anything. That thing went off right in front of my face.

Tiger: That's Super Awesome Sexy Squad you racist bastard!

Robber 2: What, really?

Tiger: What? You think just because we're Asian we can't be awesome?

Robber 2: No it's just that you're all Asian.

Justin: Well, it just worked out that way, okay!

Robber 1: What's going on?

Michel: We used to have a Filipino, but that didn't work out.

Robber 2: What happened?

Justin: I don't know. She just kept blowing bubbles all the time. Wasn't really a team player.

Re-Joyce: That and Aleck killed her.

Justin: Yah that too.

Robber 3: Why are we still talking to these guys? Let's take them!

Robber 1: Is anybody even listening to me?


Tiger: My thoughts exactly, Aleck.

(launches into battle)

Justin: Quick Michel, get that manager out of here before he gets hurt.

Michel: Come with me please sir.

(Manager looks out from his hiding place under a table and sees the ongoing battle)

Manager: I think I'd rather just stay here.

Michel: (unbuttoning his/her shirt a bit) If you come with me, I'll give you a rusty trombone.

Manager: I'm not sure what that means, but I am undeniably turned on right now.

Michel: It gives whole new meaning to the phrase; to toot one's horn.

Manager: (blabbers incoherently and follows Michel outside)

(Tiger and Robber 3 are fighting, Tiger punches him in the face)

Robber 3: Is that the best you got little missy?

Tiger: Well I also got this gun.

Robber 3: Uh oh.

(shoots him in the face)

Eddy on a radio: Looks like you just robbed that robber...of his life.

Tiger: Good one Eddy.

(Aleck is trying to fight Robber 2)


Robber 2: You know, just because you're wearing a garbage can, doesn't make you a Dalek.


Robber 2: You know that's not the only thing Daleks say.


Robber 2: Wait what?


Eddy: Wow! You rolled him like a blunt.


Justin: Right, I'll take care of this last one.

Robber 1: Help me! What's going on? What happened to my brothers?

Justin: The same thing that's going to happen to you.

Robber 1: Ahhhhhhh!

(stumbles around blindly, trips and falls, Re-Joyce throws a grenade at him, Explosion!)

Eddy: I guess it just goes to show, Justice is blind!

Justin: Ha, ha. Good one Eddy.

(starwipe to outside)

Justin: Good job guys. We got the bad guys, saved the bank, and only caused minor collateral damage!

4-Chan: And I finally took down Kazulbul, Lord of the Damned!

Michel: And I finally got the taste of ass out of my mouth.

Brendon: And I finally understand the true meaning of the darkness that consumes me.

Eddy: I only joke constantly to compensate for my impotency.

Re-Joyce: Good one Eddy.


(tries to attack Tiger who pushes him over, leaving him flailing wildly on the ground, everybody laughs)


Tuesday, April 13, 2010

An Average Day in Maple Ridge

Whenever I tell people that I live in Maple Ridge, they make this face at me like that's the most tragic thing they've ever heard. Well I am here to set the record straight, and show that Maple Ridge isn't such a bad place to live by hitting the town for a day and showing all it has to offer. Joining me are my good friends Zach, Mannu, and Taylor. It's sure to be a fun-filled day!

We began our adventure at our old high school. Zach was looking a bit nervous and so we asked him what was wrong.

"I am a bit worried about that 4:20 Gang. I see their graffiti all over town. I don't want to get mugged."

"Don't worry Zach," reassured Mannu as he lit up a joint. "I'll keep a close eye out for anything 4:20 related, " he said as he lit up a second joint and then shoved one in each nostril.

As we strolled in front of the school we were approached by several pushy, though polite, drug dealers. Mannu needed to get some more pot, so we got in line and noticed that one of our old English teachers was just finishing up business in front of us. We had a nice chat with them while Mannu made his purchases.

Zach was feeling pretty thirsty at this point and was happy when he realized that a Coke dealer was standing nearby. It was a little expensive for his tastes, but he was too lazy to find a vending machine. He was frustrated when all he got was a baggie full of white powder, but we told him that it was instant Coke mix and he'd need to put it in water. He believed us and would not remember what happened the rest of the day.

At this point we noticed that Taylor had gone missing. We were about to call his cellphone when an alarm went off in the school and Taylor came rushing out carrying a gun and a sackful of iPods. It was time to head to our next destination!

To get downtown we needed to catch the 701 bus. Once on board we were immediately accosted by a meth addict with a Hannah Montana obsession and apparently a college degree in "discerning lesbians," since he kept insisting that a girl at the front of the bus was a dyke, and that he knew these things because he was a sociology man. Every now and then he'd entertain us with a Frank Sinatra impression. Overall he made all of us uncomfortable except Zach who made conversation with him.

"I once fucked a jakalope!" he exclaimed.

"I don't know much about jakalopes, but man, have you ever tried a dragon? That's where its at!" replied the meth addict.

What followed was a disgustingly in-depth discussion on fantastical bestiality which I shall not repeat here. Thankfully the bus ride was not a long one as Mannu was getting a case of the munchies and needed some Taco Bell. We got off at the next stop and walked down a couple blocks to the Taco Bell/KFC restaurant. Mannu ordered a dozen burritos while Taylor held up the KFC half of the restaurant.

After we had what we came for, we crossed over to the baptist church, because Zach was convinced it was the lair of Kazulbul, Lord of the Damned. There we ran into our good friend Kevin Rey who was loitering around throwing bibles at random passerby.

"How are things going Kevin?" I inquired.

"Not bad. I was just talking to Sandy and oh man I need to go saxophone shopping but before I do that I need to go to clean my room and that's an all day affair and I think Japan is a cool place I am going to if I ever get a job at a biology factory that's going to explode oh man that would be awesome peanuts-"

At which point Taylor hit him over the head with a rock and proceeded to rob him blind, by which I mean he took his glasses.

Next we headed on over to the homeless shelter across the street where Mannu threw out the remaining half of his meal. We watched with great amusement the ensuing hobo-fight over the leftover food.

"Why did you throw out all that food?" I asked.

"I got bored of it. I want a Slurpee now."

"I got a special Slurpee for you," said one of the hobos, flashing us an almost toothless smile. "You can even have it for free. All you gotta do is close your eyes and suck it out of my special tap."

Mannu declined the offer, but Zach could never pass up on anything free. After he'd had his fill, I asked him what flavor it was. Without missing a beat he replied, "Cherry Cola." Zach is a pretty weird kid overall.

Mannu was still thirsty so we went to the liquor store/strip club opposite the homeless shelter. While Zach demanded that the clerk "milk him," Mannu bought a bottle of vodka and proceeded to down the entire thing before we even got to the cash register. But it didn't matter because Taylor had lit the place on fire, so we had to exit the building anyway. Mannu was angry because he had wanted to get a lap dance, but it was probably for the best since Taylor had a tendency to stab any hookers who got within 10 feet of him.

After much debate we decided to head on over to the library, which ranks just behind the bowling alley, but just ahead of the cemetery as most entertaining place in Maple Ridge. When we got there, Taylor made straight for the children's section and began to line the shelves with porn, believing that it would be a "funny prank." Our next stop was the police station which happened to be right next door.

There we ran into none other than Alanah "Double-Up" Garcin. We asked her what she was doing there, and it turned out that some anonymous person had told the cops that she was a street walker. Any number of men could have reported Double-Up who had earned her nickname for two reasons: 1) because of her astounding flexibility, and 2) because if you didn't want to catch seven different STD's from her, you needed twice the protection. Unfortunately she couldn't talk for long as she had to meet an officer for interrogation in a maintenance closet.

"That's a weird place for an interrogation," observed Zach.

"You know Zach, you're right. That is a weird place for an interrogation," agreed Mannu.

A few minutes later we left without Mannu, thankful for racial profiling. It was getting dark, and as we stood outside looking up at the horse clock (which every description of Maple Ridge must include even though its a broken down piece of shit) it became apparent that our journey had come to an end.

"I'd rape my mother for nothing!"

"Shut the fuck up Zach."

Overall it was a fairly productive day. Zach got high, Taylor got free money, Mannu got imprisoned again, and I got material for a blog post. So come on down to Maple Ridge some time and see what you can get! (It will most likely be syphilis)

Sunday, April 4, 2010

6 Things that I Find Extremely Funny for Some Reason

Its Easter so that means its time for me to count off some of the strangest and most disturbing things I can find on the Internet that isn't scatological porn. Some of them you may find offensive. Or you may find them hilarious like I did. Either way take a deep breath and prepare yourselves for...

6. Conservapedia

In case you can't guess by the main page, Conservapedia is a conservative, Christian fundamentalist, and all American version of Wikipedia. The website was founded by Andy Schlafly who decided that Wikipedia had a liberal bias. Since the articles on Wikipedia are technically written by everybody, this implies that the entire world has a liberal bias. Rather than try to make a less biased version of the online encyclopedia, or perhaps take a moment to consider how wrong he is, Andy decided to make a website so gung-ho conservative that it pretty much parodies itself. Some notable articles on Conservapedia include homosexuality, Wikipedia, Joseph McCarthy, Barack Obama, and anything at all related to religion. I could seriously spend days on this website just looking up how they twist history to meet their own political ends, but after a while it starts to make me angrier than a metal band at an Attack Attack concert which leads us into...


Attack Attack is the gayest metal band on the entire planet of all time and forever. If Elton John, Freddie Mercury, David Bowie, and Justin Bieber were to form a metal band it still would not be as gay.If I were to tell you that head-banging in unison is the most retarded thing you'll ever see, you probably wouldn't believe me until you saw that video. The stance they use in every single last one of their videos and while performing has earned them the dubious moniker, "crab-core." If you can bear to watch it until the end, you'll see (or hear) that they use autotune (what T-Pain uses in all his songs to make his voice sound all wavy like). What kind of metal band uses autotune? That is the exact opposite of metal. Mozart has more in common with metal than autotune. Who would sign these guys? They must have sucked a lot of dicks to get a record deal, which brings us to...


You hear that sound? That's your childhood dying. I don't know who decided that they needed to provide animation for that audio, but they should be simultaneously congratulated and thrown in jail. I can't decide if the person who did the impression put his talent to the best or the worst possible use. All I know is that this is the creepiest shit I've ever seen. Oh wait...


Look at it! Look at it! I need something adorable to make up for this.


Oh man. I never get tired of this video even though it goes against everything I stand for. I don't think it's humanly possible to make anything more sugar-coated and mind-numbing. Just look at the effects of it on this baby. Who needs marijuana when you can just watch Puppytown and achieve the same effect. If there was a channel on TV where all they played was puppies playing around to this song, it would be the most popular channel of all time. I would watch it. Although I also like to watch the following video which is pretty much the complete opposite.


I cannot maintain a straight face while watching this video and I am pretty sure that means I'm sadistic. It's just the way he shouts ,"Stop! Stop! That tickles!" while he burns to death that just cracks me up. Does that make me a bad person? I mean it is just a toy, right?