Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Incontrovertible Proof of the Existence of God: The Biography of Snake-Eyes Damascus

January 25th, 1990 was an auspicious day. A pair of eagles circled high in the sky, a flock of geese flew in formation from East to West, and a robin crashed into a window on a skyscraper. Clearly these were the harbingers of great things to come, and it is of no coincidence that on this day of January the 25th, 1990, Snake-Eyes Damascus stepped into this world. He did not cry as most infants are wont to do upon birth, nay he laughed, laughed at the attending doctor's futile attempt at a goatee. Verily, his facial hair was pathetic.

As the young prodigy grew older, his incredible intelligence astounded all those around him. He learned to read before he could even walk. Logical and mathematical problems posed no difficulty for his agile mind. He excelled in virtually every aspect of academia and was kinda alright at gym class. But Snake-Eyes soon realized that his potential was being wasted on this silly elementary school, and thus he rode off into the world to seek new challenges and become the man he was born to be. His first stop was high school, but after nary five years he grew bored of that as well, and so moved on to the greener pastures of post-secondary education.

And it is here that our story truly begins. Tired of simply being a student, Snake-Eyes decided to take on the role of a teacher. Thus he began spreading his word and opinions to anyone who would listen, and quickly developed a devoted following. But as his following grew, Snake-Eyes saw the need to organize them into a structured group. And so he founded his church, but fearing persecution he labeled it as "The Board Game Club," so as not to arouse suspicion. This gave him the peace and privacy he needed to preach to his disciples.

His sermons would go on to become the stuff of legend, and this author does not need to mention them here as they are so well known, but will anyway because the greatness of Snake-Eyes demands it, and also to fill up space.

At the first meeting of "The Board Game Club," more people attended than expected and there was a distressing lack of sugary treats. To remedy this grievous wrong Snake-Eyes spoke unto the heavens on above ,"Let there be pie," and thus there was pie of the strawberry-rhubarb variety. And the people did cheer. And Snake-Eyes did look about himself smugly, for he knew that he had created the greatest dessert dish of all time. Until the invention of rainbow flavoured ice cream in 2016. Which he also invented.

It came to pass that one of Snake-Eyes Damascus' many followers approached him and asked what the greatest movie was of all time. To which the wise teacher replied, "There is no single greatest movie, despite the claims of the American Film Institute, for greatness is a subjective quality, and measuring greatness changes depending on the genre and type of movie you are critiquing. However, I can say with complete assurance that The Room is the worst movie ever made, and will always be so, for it fails on every conceivable level and has no redeeming qualities. Despite this, all should see it for it is utterly hilarious." Thus he spoke, and thus it was accepted as an absolute truth.

While delivering one of his sermons, five non-believers approached Snake-Eyes and challenged him to a game of Risk to prove his divinity. The brave preacher accepted the challenge and taking the colour black, sat down at the table. They divided the territories on the board amoungst them equally, as the rules call for, and Snake-Eyes graciously ceded the first turn to the player seated on his right. This player immediately attacked Snake-Eyes in Kamchatka and rolled triple sixes. Things were looking dire, but much to the shock of all those around, the valiant commander rolled double sixes on his dice, thus fending off the invading force as defenders win ties. His opponents immediately surrendered to the divine will of Snake-Eyes.

Eventually, Snake-Eyes decided to take his teachings onto the Internet where he could reach a far greater number of people. He took the moniker of Dr Strangelove X for most cases and amazed people with his skill and prowess at games such as Guild Wars, Team Fortress 2, and Left 4 Dead. He also started his own blog which serves as a direct source for the word of Snake-Eyes Damascus.

This has been the life of Snake-Eyes Damascus thus far, but his legend continues to grow as his wisdom spreads to all corners of the globe. Who can say what miraculous deeds this king amoung men will yet accomplish? Only time will tell.

Bonus points to whoever can lavish Snake-Eyes Damascus with greatest praise in the comments section. Originality counts.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Strangest Children's TV Shows

Folks, I am worried for the future of our children. Not because of global warming, or terrorism, or the collapse of American values, but because the shows they watch on TV nowadays are creepy as hell. And since television has effectively supplanted parents as the primary guardian/caregiver in a family, that means they have a bleak future ahead of them. I grew up on good, wholesome, clean shows like Sesame Street and Mr. Dressup, and I am proud to say that they made me the good, wholesome, clean individual I am today. I can't even begin to imagine how fucked these kids will be when they get older. Here I present to you what I hold to be some of the biggest offenders in bizarre children's programming, so you know what to keep your kids away from.

Laughing Chinese Children of the Damned
I don't actually know what this show is called, but I am pretty sure my title isn't too far off the bat. First off, the jokes are terrible. Kids are going to grow-up thinking that's comedy which is a crime in of an itself. Secondly, and most importantly, why oh why did you feel the need to punctuate each terrible joke with a chorus line of devil children laughing monotonously? I guess your jokes are so bad that you need to indicate when its time to laugh, but then couldn't you have just used a laugh track? Come to think of it, a standard laugh track probably wouldn't be enough. You need to threaten the kids into laughter and those girls send a very clear message: laugh now or I'll kill you in your sleep.

Anything From Japan
Insanity is one of Japan's top exports. They put it in anything that they can and children's programming is no exception. Apparently their idea of a kid's TV show is to take (probably kidnap) a bunch of 2 year olds, dress them up as Faberge eggs, throw them in a room with a dancing dog, and tell them to shit their pants. I am still debating whether or not anybody in that clip knows what the fuck is going on. That being said, this show is probably the most benign of all the Japanese children's shows out there, but feel free to click on some of the related videos and throw yourself into a wondrous odyssey down into the darkest recesses of Youtube.

In the Night Garden
You'll notice that the video I linked is a segment from right in the middle of an episode. You'll also notice that it makes no difference whatsoever. Upon watching a full episode, I have determined that there is no plot to this television show, no moral, no lessons learned, no rhyme or reason. It's just a senseless string of made-up words and borderline retarded puppets. It is of my professional opinion that you could take random minute-long segments from across the series, string them all together in no particular order, and it would make just about as much sense. I honestly don't know what any child could possibly get out of this unless they have access to marijuana.

Adventure Time
If ever you needed proof that some children's shows were created during a drug induced stupor, look no further than Adventure Time. This show takes the worst drug trips known to man and condenses it into a 10 minute cartoon. When I watch this I just don't even know what to think. It looks like a sketch from Wonder Showzen. Kids are going to watch this and then they're going to spaz the fuck out to the point where no amount of Ritalin will be able to bring them back to Earth. To top it all off, the main character is 12 years old. Now I have nothing against imagination, but if your 12 year old kid tells you that he likes to adventure in a world with rainicorns, flying beard men, and technopathic dogs, then you've officially failed as a parent.

You can also find clips of this show in french and english, which makes this the most widespread, and by extension, most insidious show on this list. The basic premise is that there's this dinosaur themed summer camp for kids with teens serving as the camp counselors. It follows their adventures and developing relationships as they work to solve some mystery about dinosaurs. As it turns out, the solution to the mystery is that dinosaurs survived for millions of years underground without air, sunlight, food (other than each other), or anybody noticing until an earthquake hit an area which has apparently been tectonically stable since dinosaurs supposedly went extinct. Nobody seems to notice or care that this just raises a million other questions, but whatever, all that matters is that funky CGI dinosaurs with a sense of morality and a range of emotions are running all over the place causing all sorts of havoc. Actually the more I write about this show, the more I realize how awesome it truly is. Parents, this is the show you should plop your kids down in front of. It may not be very educational, but it will certainly teach them something.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Double Digits FAQ Extravaganza!!!

In celebration of finally attaining the lofty goal of 10 followers, I have decided to answer 10 questions about myself that people tend to ask me a lot. Hopefully you'll find my answers satisfactory.

1. Why did you give your online persona (Dr. Strangelove X) a pseudonym (Snake-Eyes Damascus)?

A) Who's to say it's not my real name? Plus, Snake-Eyes Damascus is a pretty awesome name. You too can also awesomify your name. Just take a super sweet animal (like a scorpion) and a city in the middle east with lots of syllables (like Fallujah) and stick them together (to make Scorpio Fallujah).

2. You call your blog DSX Reviews, but the vast majority of what you write isn't reviews at all. Why is this?

A) I'll write whatever the hell I want. Deal with it!

3. What's the deal with that tree in your profile pic?

A) That's a picture I personally took while vacationing in Ottawa. We went to the site of the Battle of Chrysler's Field (which took place during the War of 1812 in case you care about Canadian military history) and I saw that peculiar sign hanging from a tree seen in the photograph. To this day I am still uncertain as to what purpose that sign serves so I'll just leave it to your own interpretation.

4. What is the former name of Istanbul?

A) Istanbul was known as Constantinople until the Ottoman Turks took over. And before that it was known as Byzantium.

5. What is your degree and what do you plan to do with it after you graduate?

A) Well that's two questions, but I'll let it slide. I am majoring in world literature, and I plan to marry rich.

6. What is your favourite movie?

A) Are you serious? It's in the name of my blog, it's the name I always use online, and I've talked about on at least two separate occasions on my blog where I referred to it as my favourite movie. I am so irate right now I am not even going to tell you the answer.

7. How do I get girls to like me?

A) I don't know what makes you think I am qualified to answer such a question, but I'll give it a go anyway. I find that the line "Want to make an easy 50 bucks?" generally does the trick. Just remember to treat your women like you treat your airplane: hop in her three times a day and take her to heaven and back again.

8. Why are you such an asshole?

A)Truth be told, it's because the only way I can feel like my life has any value is by debasing and belittling the lives of others. In this way I feel a rush of power and superiority over my peers. Looking back on what I just wrote, it's seems a to be a little bit weird. Yep, that's some fucked up shit right there. Let's just say that I'm an asshole because that's how I roll, bitches!

9. Do you have anger management issues?

A) What the fuck did you just say to me? No I don't have anger management issues! I am a well balanced and positive individual. And if you ever suggest that I have anger management issues again, I'll find out where you live and kill you. No, I'll find out where your mother lives, fuck her brains out, then come to your house and kill you. I WILL EAT YOUR FUCKING CHILDREN! I WILL EAT THEM ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry, caps.

10. You are clearly a deranged and depraved individual. You shouldn't even be allowed outside of your house, nevermind be allowed to share your sick and twisted thoughts with the internet. Why should I continue to read your offensive and disturbing blog?

A) Because you know you can't stop watching.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Things That Piss Me Off

So anybody who even marginally pays attention to my blog know that its not very difficult to get me angry. If an ant so much as looks at me funny, I may very well snap. Stupid fucking insects. Think they own the place just because there's an infinitesimal amount of them. Sorry, I got sidetracked. Point is, a lot of things piss me off. But I've compiled a list of some of the most aggravating things that really grate my nerves. If you've done any of things on this list then I am probably peeved at you. If you've done all of them, then I hate you with a passion of Herculean proportions.

Finger Mustaches
Seriously, fuck finger mustaches. There is nothing on God's Green Earth lamer than a finger mustache. If at any point in your life you have drawn a mustache on your finger and then placed it under your nose, you are a douche.

Misleading Tags on Videos/Blogs/Forums
So I am browsing on YouTube, looking for the latest videos on hypnosis induced orgasms, and I click 0n one video with some promising tags only to discover that its some chick playing the ukulele. What the hell is that all about. If I wanted to watch somebody play the ukulele, I'd just watch this guy seeing as how he actually has talent. Seriously people, just be honest with your tags. You're not doing yourself any favors by lying. Sure you may get a few extra hits, but you'll just end up pissing off and alienating your fellow Internet users. That's why I don't put any tags on my blog posts at all, in case somebody feels cheated.

Linking Music Videos on Facebook
I don't think I could care less about who your favorite hipster band of the month is. And I certainly don't want to watch their music video. All it does is clutter my newsfeed and distracts me from more important things, like the latest news on how to induce orgasms via hypnosis.

Not Having 10 Followers or More
Ok, if you're reading this blog right now, but you aren't listed as one my followers, then you should remedy that situation right now or face my eternal disappointment. It really doesn't take that long to do and goddammit I wanna see double digits!

Going to Somebody's House Expecting to Have Good Time and then Playing Rock Band/Guitar Hero for Hours on End Instead
I've been having to deal with this since grade 9 and boy am I sick of it. It seems that every party you go to has one of these games set up and once people start playing it, they pretty much keep playing it all night long. Somebody will suggest maybe mixing things up a bit which will be met with a few grunts from the others, but there's no stopping the music once it starts. They keep saying, "Just one more song," but then somebody else says, "I want one more turn," but "one more" turns into 100, and it only ends when people start to get hungry. If you must bring a rhythm game, at least have the decency to leave it turned off until one hour before dinner. Or better yet, just download Audiosurf and never bother me with either of these games ever again.

Ignoring My Requests to Play L4D/L4D2/TF2 With Me
Sometimes when I am bored, I'll try to get some friends together for some zombie slaying and/or noob slaying action, but my efforts are often met with mixed results. I'll invite maybe 10 people to a game, at most maybe 2 people will join me, 3 others will politely decline, but the other half just fucking ignore me like I am not even a person. You might as well just be saying, "I fucking hate you, but I don't have the energy to tell you that or remove you from my friends list." Goddamn, why do you have to be such a dick/bitch? What did I ever do to you? I am a perfectly affable guy.

Lame Excuses
The only thing I hate more than no excuse at all, is a terrible one. Now I have one particular friend who has mastered the art of terrible excuses. He drops them so often that I have become eternally disappointed in him approximately 100 times over. Which means that the universe can begin and end at least 99 times, and my disappointment will still be lingering. Some of his doozies include, "I haven't eaten dinner with my parents in a few days so I need to go," "I am tired," " I have to attend a church function/band camp/a regatta/a date with my gf," "I am going saxophone shopping," and the list goes on. But nothing tops the one I heard recently from a completely different friend who said, "I have to work on a group project." Really? A group project? In the middle of August? That's your excuse? Why don't you just come out and say it? You hate us. You hate us all more than I hate the entire ant species. And just what did we do to make you hate us so much? Was it because I tried to put you under hypnosis and induce an orgasm? That was it wasn't it? I warned you what you were getting into. You knew the risks. I am not responsible for your inability to bear children!

As an aside, only one of the items on this list is actually a pet peeve of mine. Bonus points to whoever can correctly guess which it is.