Tuesday, April 13, 2010

An Average Day in Maple Ridge

Whenever I tell people that I live in Maple Ridge, they make this face at me like that's the most tragic thing they've ever heard. Well I am here to set the record straight, and show that Maple Ridge isn't such a bad place to live by hitting the town for a day and showing all it has to offer. Joining me are my good friends Zach, Mannu, and Taylor. It's sure to be a fun-filled day!

We began our adventure at our old high school. Zach was looking a bit nervous and so we asked him what was wrong.

"I am a bit worried about that 4:20 Gang. I see their graffiti all over town. I don't want to get mugged."

"Don't worry Zach," reassured Mannu as he lit up a joint. "I'll keep a close eye out for anything 4:20 related, " he said as he lit up a second joint and then shoved one in each nostril.

As we strolled in front of the school we were approached by several pushy, though polite, drug dealers. Mannu needed to get some more pot, so we got in line and noticed that one of our old English teachers was just finishing up business in front of us. We had a nice chat with them while Mannu made his purchases.

Zach was feeling pretty thirsty at this point and was happy when he realized that a Coke dealer was standing nearby. It was a little expensive for his tastes, but he was too lazy to find a vending machine. He was frustrated when all he got was a baggie full of white powder, but we told him that it was instant Coke mix and he'd need to put it in water. He believed us and would not remember what happened the rest of the day.

At this point we noticed that Taylor had gone missing. We were about to call his cellphone when an alarm went off in the school and Taylor came rushing out carrying a gun and a sackful of iPods. It was time to head to our next destination!

To get downtown we needed to catch the 701 bus. Once on board we were immediately accosted by a meth addict with a Hannah Montana obsession and apparently a college degree in "discerning lesbians," since he kept insisting that a girl at the front of the bus was a dyke, and that he knew these things because he was a sociology man. Every now and then he'd entertain us with a Frank Sinatra impression. Overall he made all of us uncomfortable except Zach who made conversation with him.

"I once fucked a jakalope!" he exclaimed.

"I don't know much about jakalopes, but man, have you ever tried a dragon? That's where its at!" replied the meth addict.

What followed was a disgustingly in-depth discussion on fantastical bestiality which I shall not repeat here. Thankfully the bus ride was not a long one as Mannu was getting a case of the munchies and needed some Taco Bell. We got off at the next stop and walked down a couple blocks to the Taco Bell/KFC restaurant. Mannu ordered a dozen burritos while Taylor held up the KFC half of the restaurant.

After we had what we came for, we crossed over to the baptist church, because Zach was convinced it was the lair of Kazulbul, Lord of the Damned. There we ran into our good friend Kevin Rey who was loitering around throwing bibles at random passerby.

"How are things going Kevin?" I inquired.

"Not bad. I was just talking to Sandy and oh man I need to go saxophone shopping but before I do that I need to go to clean my room and that's an all day affair and I think Japan is a cool place I am going to if I ever get a job at a biology factory that's going to explode oh man that would be awesome peanuts-"

At which point Taylor hit him over the head with a rock and proceeded to rob him blind, by which I mean he took his glasses.

Next we headed on over to the homeless shelter across the street where Mannu threw out the remaining half of his meal. We watched with great amusement the ensuing hobo-fight over the leftover food.

"Why did you throw out all that food?" I asked.

"I got bored of it. I want a Slurpee now."

"I got a special Slurpee for you," said one of the hobos, flashing us an almost toothless smile. "You can even have it for free. All you gotta do is close your eyes and suck it out of my special tap."

Mannu declined the offer, but Zach could never pass up on anything free. After he'd had his fill, I asked him what flavor it was. Without missing a beat he replied, "Cherry Cola." Zach is a pretty weird kid overall.

Mannu was still thirsty so we went to the liquor store/strip club opposite the homeless shelter. While Zach demanded that the clerk "milk him," Mannu bought a bottle of vodka and proceeded to down the entire thing before we even got to the cash register. But it didn't matter because Taylor had lit the place on fire, so we had to exit the building anyway. Mannu was angry because he had wanted to get a lap dance, but it was probably for the best since Taylor had a tendency to stab any hookers who got within 10 feet of him.

After much debate we decided to head on over to the library, which ranks just behind the bowling alley, but just ahead of the cemetery as most entertaining place in Maple Ridge. When we got there, Taylor made straight for the children's section and began to line the shelves with porn, believing that it would be a "funny prank." Our next stop was the police station which happened to be right next door.

There we ran into none other than Alanah "Double-Up" Garcin. We asked her what she was doing there, and it turned out that some anonymous person had told the cops that she was a street walker. Any number of men could have reported Double-Up who had earned her nickname for two reasons: 1) because of her astounding flexibility, and 2) because if you didn't want to catch seven different STD's from her, you needed twice the protection. Unfortunately she couldn't talk for long as she had to meet an officer for interrogation in a maintenance closet.

"That's a weird place for an interrogation," observed Zach.

"You know Zach, you're right. That is a weird place for an interrogation," agreed Mannu.

A few minutes later we left without Mannu, thankful for racial profiling. It was getting dark, and as we stood outside looking up at the horse clock (which every description of Maple Ridge must include even though its a broken down piece of shit) it became apparent that our journey had come to an end.

"I'd rape my mother for nothing!"

"Shut the fuck up Zach."

Overall it was a fairly productive day. Zach got high, Taylor got free money, Mannu got imprisoned again, and I got material for a blog post. So come on down to Maple Ridge some time and see what you can get! (It will most likely be syphilis)


  1. Hmmm, I can't seem to remember much of what I apparently did that day... but it must have happened or it wouldn't be on the internet.

  2. Well when you put it that way, Maple Ridge does seem like a pretty sweet place to be!