Friday, May 28, 2010

The Room is Coming to Vancouver

I apologize for the brevity and extreme delay of this posting, but I promise that I'll make it up to you guys with something extra special very shortly. In the meantime, you read the title correctly. Tommy Wiseau's magnum opus, The Room, is coming to Vancouver for a midnight screening at the Rio Theatre (right near the Broadway Skytrain station) on Friday June 25th. I know many of you have seen The Room on DVD (and for some that is more than enough), but if my sources are correct, then nothing compares to seeing it with a live theatre audience on the big screen. Tickets are $10, or $8 if you come in costume. As an added bonus you'll also get to see One Million Years BC at no extra cost (not to be confused with 10 000 BC), but if you don't feel like sticking around for it, that's fine. There's no reason for you not to go unless you're Zach, in which case you're Tim Hortons' bitch. So bring some spoons, a football, and whatever you do, don't leave your stupid comments in your pocket (i.e. shouting at the screen is encouraged).

For those of you who have no idea what The Room is, see this earlier post of mine.

Here's the Rio Theatre's Facebook page.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

The Floridiad: Book 1: The Rage of Damian

As some of you may have guessed by the tardiness of this post, I had trouble thinking of what to write. And as always when I don't know what to write, I make up a retarded story about one or more of my friends. What I finally came up with was so manly and epic, that it went around full circle and became homoerotic. Enjoy.

As Dawn with her red-rose fingers climbed high into the sky, mighty Damian, bulwark of the Acadians, leaped out of bed like a god. With a single thump of his massive fist, he demolished the foolish alarm clock which had the gall to disturb the slumber of this mighty giant of a man.

It was time for battle. Time for glory. Time to conquer these rich foreign lands of Florida. No man, woman, or mouse would be spared.

Without another moments hesitation, the invincible warrior began to suit up for the fateful day ahead. First he wrapped his legs with netted trunks, fastened with an unbreakable line of rope around his throbbing manhood. Round his chest he strapped a t-shirt displaying his Canuck pride. Over his broad brow Damian set his swim cap fronted with four knobs and forked with twin horns and the horsehair crest atop it tossing, bristling terror. And last he picked up two tough spears, tipped in bronze, honed sharp, and the glare flashed off their brazen points and pierced the high skies - and awestruck at the sight the Hera and Athena loosed a crack of thunder, exalting the great king of Maple Ridge rich in gold.

He was ready.

Down to the white beaches he strode like a god. Once there he found cunning Damascus and the invincible Ahzidius already in consultation.

"What is the plan of attack today?" inquired Damian, peerless among the Acadians.

"We shall harry them in the fields while the sun graces us with his glorious light, but once night falls we shall launch the main attack with you and your battalion attacking by land from the west, while Ahzidius and I take them by the eastern sea," replied Damascus the master tactician.

Before Damian could give his assent a cry for help was heard coming from the deep blue. Zachary, healer of wounds, was caught beneath the rolling waves.

Someone must save him! shouted Ahzidius.

"The current is too strong, no one can save him now," said Damascus filled with sorrow.

"Nothing is stronger than Damian!" raged the beast of a man as he ripped off his shirt and flung himself headlong into the sea. He swam out to the struggling Acadian like a god and latched on to his arm. Mustering all of his strength he then headed back for the shore. For a moment it seemed as though he too would go under, but Poseidon must have lent him some force for he made it back to land with Zachary and shimmered in the sunlight while Damascus revived the exhausted soldier.

"All hail King Damian!" praised generous Ahzidius, but Damian did not hear for the Rage had taken a hold of him and the only way to quell it was with blood. He stormed towards the towering city of Orlando. Ahzidius tried to stop him, but Damascus wisely held him back. There was no stopping Damian now.

As Damian approached the city's gates it's defenders launched volley after volley at him, but he must have had the protection of Zeus for nothing could touch him. With one fell swoop he broke the gates off their hinges. The bulwark of the Acadians charged through the streets ripping apart anyone foolish enough to stand in his way. The finest soldiers the city had to offer were sent to bring him low, and they all failed, the property of Hades now.

The day passed and their was no end to the carnage. By nightfall the entire city was in flames, plundered by the Acadian forces thanks to the brute strength of Damian. Once his Rage had subsided, Damian found a Kiwi girl cowering in a corner of a ransacked house.

"I have taken your city. Slaughtered it's guardians. Looted it's treasures. And left you alone in the world. What say you to that?" asked Damian the bravest of them all, heaving from his day's work.

"I want you so bad right now," replied the young woman.

"Excellent" said Damian with a glint in his eye. A night of ravishing ensued. Damian was the only survivor.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

A Typical Episode of Superfriends

Some time ago I decided to watch an episode of Superfriends on Teletoon Retro. What followed was perhaps the most bizarre thing I have ever witnessed on television. Now it has been a while since I've seen it, so my memory is a bit hazy on certain points, but I shall do my best to relay to you all that occurred. A typical episode is divided into three separate segments, so let's begin with the first.

The first segment follows Batman, Robin, Wonder Woman, and Flash as they attempt to fend off the evil villain, Scorpio who's only discernible power is that he is dressed as a scorpion, which makes him more of a mascot than a villain, but nobody seems to question it. Somehow he gets a hold of a super-growth potion which he proceeds to feed to numerous insects, causing them to grow to a gigantic size. Despite the fact that they are mindless creatures, he is able to control them, and sends them to attack the laboratory before the scientist who made the potion can come up with an antidote. It's up to the Superfriends to fend off the bugs and buy the scientist time. Wonder Woman and Flash somehow end up in a cave and don't appear to accomplish anything. Batman and Robin head outside to fight some arthropods and word for word this is the conversation that ensued:

Robin: Jiminy, Batman. That's one giant cricket.

Batman: I hate you so fucking much.

Ok, so maybe Batman didn't say that so much as think it. The point is, Robin is the gayest sidekick in the history of comic books. After an incredibly short and uneventful 'action' sequence the scientist has suddenly come up with the antidote just as the insects barge into his lab. He blasts the bugs with the antidote using a ray gun (yah I don't know how that works either) and the bugs continue on their merry way out of a hole in the wall as if nothing had happened, while Scorpio declares that he'll be back.

Part two begins with Wonder Woman and Green Lantern responding to a spaceship threatening Earth. They blast off in Wonder Woman's invisible jet and discover that the ship is being piloted by, wait for it, space cowboys. Wonder Woman and Green Lantern, realizing that they are completely useless, are immediately taken prisoners. Batman and Robin try to come to the rescue, but decide that the best battle plan is to go in to a comatose state and are promptly imprisoned with the rest. They ask their captors why they are being held and the answer will blow your fucking mind.

They come from a planet where the only law is that it's against the law to obey the law, so they have come to Earth to take in the Superfriends for breaking their planet's law.

If there is anything about that previous sentence that makes any sense at all to you, you are officially insane. The Superfriends are insane, because they do not question the space cowboy logic in the slightest, and are taken to their home planet. Rather than taking their intergalactic spaceship to their final destination on their planet however, the space cowboys decide to land in the middle of a desert and take a train the rest of the way. Once on the train, Batman manages to get some electro-bullshit out of his utility belt and uses it to break their laser-cuffs. They all escape, fight the space cowboys in a short and uneventful 'action' sequence, and return to Earth.

The final part begins with the Wonder Twins who are having a boring day at the Hall of Justice when they stumble upon a magic lamp that Superman just left lying around, because you know, Superman is not responsible in the slightest, and neither are the Wonder Twins apparently since they decide to use it to wish for a monster to fight. The genie in the lamp grants their wish and causes a radio antenna on top of a skyscraper to turn into a giant robot. The robot rampages through Metropolis and knocks the top half off of another skyscraper. In a stunning disregard for structural integrity, the guy Wonder Twin picks up the top half of the building before it hits the ground, and just puts it right back where it was on top of the skyscraper, apparently solving the problem. The robot proves to be too much of a challenge for the Twins so they make their second wish to be back where they started.

The genie takes this literally and sends them back to a desert on their home planet. Suddenly, a shark fin appears, swimming through the sand which is in itself, pretty ridiculous, but this is Superfriends so they have to take it a step further. Its not just a shark that lives in sand, its a motherfucking dragon-shark. This may sound awesome, but believe me it's retarded, especially the hammerhead dragon-shark. In response to this threat, the girl twin (who can turn into any animal) takes to form of a sand-whale (because this isn't ridiculous enough), while the guy twin (who can take the form of water), turns into an ice net which is exactly what it sounds like: a net made of ice that somehow has the flexibility of a net. The girl twin uses her tail to fling her brother onto one of the dragon-sharks thus incapacitating it. At this point Superman shows up, beats up all the dragon-sharks in two seconds, and reprimands the Wonder Twins. The end.

There are so many things wrong with what I saw I don't know which travesty was the worst. Even Wonder Showzen makes more sense than this bullshit, and is probably more suitable for children, and this is an example of a Wonder Showzen cartoon. After watching that, I probably don't need to say anything more.

Sunday, May 9, 2010


This was supposed to be a first impressions review of the titular MMO, but since my sister fell for a phishing scam, it will most likely be my final. I have only reached level 15 (out of 50) so I can't comment about endgame content or PvP, but I can provide general commentary on how the game plays, looks, and feels. So without further ado, here is my review.

The first thing I have to say about this game is that it's a lot like World of Warcraft (WoW). Normally I hate attaching the phrase "WoW Clone" to an MMO, as it is often misused and applied to any MMO regardless of whether or not they are fantasy based, but in the case of Aion it fits the bill. Most all quests follow the "kill 10 rats" template, the classes and skills are pretty much carbon copies, and its grindy as hell. Aion is as generic as they come, and although it doesn't do anything poorly, it can't be said that it brings anything new to the genre either.

That being said, Aion does have a mechanic where your character can fly which was promoted heavily, but in game, flight seems more like an afterthought. The first restriction they place on you is that you can only fly for a minute. This wouldn't be too limiting if it wasn't for the fact that the you are not allowed to fly in many areas of the game. In fact I have thus far encountered only one small portion of a map in which flight is permitted. Even then I only used it to complete 2 measly little quests that didn't involve combat. I tried using it as a battle tactic against grounded enemies, but they just ran away and instantly regenerated health, rendering it useless. It seems as though this game was not designed with flight in mind.

The one thing Aion does have going for it is visuals. The vistas are an immersive feast for the eyes with a painterly feel to them. There are plenty of sights to see which makes exploration a joy, but good graphics do not make up for lacklustre gameplay. There is a half-hearted attempt at an overarching storyline which was promising at first, but that fell to the wayside soon after the tutorial zone in favor of repetitive quests that involve slaying large amounts of kobolds. Perhaps it picks up again later, I'll probably never know.

Aion is a game that promised the stars, but settled for a flashlight. It whispered of new heights that would be attained, of glorious adventure in the heavens on high, but when it came time to launch, fell flat on it's face. Like Icarus of Greek mythology who flew too close to the sun, Aion crashed and burned in it's moment of greatest exaltation, blissfully unaware of the danger of it's own hubris. Perhaps the true freedom promised by Aion, and indeed our own civilization, is little more than a dream or illusion designed to bind us to this material world. I forget where I was going with this metaphor, but not as much as I forget my experience playing Aion.