Saturday, March 13, 2010

Ms New Booty as Performed by a Girl who Doesn't Understand the Internet

Before reading this post you should watch this video:

Were you able to watch the entire video without skipping? If yes, then it is highly recommended that you see a therapist. If no, then take comfort in the fact that you have a sense of shame, unlike the girl in the video who must have thought that what she did was good and that other people would like it. The only concept she understands less than shame is how the Internet works. For instance: when you post an embarrassing video of yourself online, people will watch it, and people will refer to you as a retard, and you will lose all self-esteem. Also, people will take that video and make it even more embarrassing by adding things like subtitles to it. You want to know what else was added to this video? The music. That's right, the original video was just her singing with no musical accompaniment. Imagine what you just saw, but more awkward.

When watching this video I feel a strange mix of contempt and pity. Contempt, because it is a complete and utter travesty, and pity, because she doesn't realize it. Here I shall attempt to explain to her why she has become the object of so much derision, assuming that she is one of my six followers (I am looking at you Kevin Rey).

Let's begin with your appearance. Putting it lightly, your hair needs work. It looks as though it was done by a burnt-out rockstar from Whoville. You combined a mullet with a ponytail going straight up with a forward-facing rattail, and then, to top it all off, you bleached it. Your hair is somehow more white trash than Dog the Bounty Hunter's entire family. If you were to shave off all your hair and tattoo a Swastika onto the back of your head it would be more tasteful. And may I ask why you are wearing a Winnie the Pooh shirt? The song you are singing is blatantly about ass. You could not have picked a more conflicting style of clothing. Disney and rap do not mix ever. Seriously, just stick with Hannah Montana. Lastly you need to lose some weight. I am not saying you're fat, but if you show even the slightest sign of pudginess the Internet will hate you for it. Also your face is fucked up.

Next up there's your pitiful attempts at grooving to the music. I am fairly certain that characters in a Jane Austen novel would have better moves than you. I never thought it possible for somebody to fail at bobbing their head in rthym to the musci, but you manage to pull it off. You're like a gelatinous blob that just quivers randomly in the vain hope that it will somehow resemble human movement. And what the hell are you doing during that whispering sequence? There's no reason why you need to get that close to the camera. Then there are those times when you just sit there, motionless, with this look on your face as though you forgot what you were doing. Finally we have the ending. That inexplicable embarassment of an ending. What do you think it makes you hardcore to to throw the rock fingers into your routine? Becasue that's the opposite of what it does. Why do you hold that pose for 15 seconds towards the end? And you know that you don't have to keep the rock fingers up until the camera stops rolling, right? Five seconds is more than enough. But you keep them up for a solid minute and a half. I can find no explanation for such behaviour unless you were planning to edit the video and just thought it was good enough the way it was. Or maybe you just think that is normal human behaviour. Either way you're horibbly, horribly wrong. Then there's that negative million dollar smile of yours that withers the soul. I don't think braces would solve the problem. Actually a mouthclamp would pretty much solve everything.

Then there's your singing which is perhaps your greatest offence. Your first mistake is your choice in music. It fails on almost as many levels as you do. Its bland, uncreative, unoriginal, offensive, mind-numbingly stupid, and in no way appropriate for a girl of your age or appearance (in that you are neither black, skanky, nor attractive as is your typical woman in a rap video). A solid 90% of the lyrics to this song is comprised of the word booty, yet you somehow manage to flub at least half the words. For instance you constantly say "I found you, Ms Moogoo," when its supposed to be " Ms New Booty," which, in case you forgot, is the title of the goddamn song. Its "rock'n everywhere" not "rock'n in the well." Do you even stop to think about what you are saying? Did it never occur to you that it makes no sense whatsoever? Your voice certainly doesn't improve matters. Even before you start singing its pretty obvious that it isn't going to end well. Just the way you say "to all my friends on Stickam" over and over again is enough to make me want to strangle a cat just to cover up that grating sound you call speech. Saying that you have a horrible singing voice would be a bigger understatement than saying that WWI wasn't fun. Watching you trying to rap is like watching a one-legged wiener dog trying to climb a ladder; at first its kinda funny, but then you realize its just sad. If you really want to do your friends on Stickam a favor, just shut-up.

In conclusion, this is the most awkward thing to watch to since Ellen DeGeneres hosted the Oscars. If you were to combine failure with an astounding lack of forethought and a pinch of misplaced self-confidence, this video would be the result. I know I may seem a little harsh, but its all for your benefit, so that you may learn from this experience and return to the inbred dwarf colony deep within the Earth from whence you came, never to show your face again.

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