Sunday, December 18, 2011

Glee Fanfic

So my older sister is in to some pretty weird shit and last summer I discovered that she enjoyed reading Glee fanfiction. I discovered this because her laptop broke down and she had to borrow mine and one day when I went on to play Text Twist I found a window open filled with some of the most horrifying garbage I have ever seen written. I don’t remember what it was I read because I only read one sentence and have since put up every mental block possible to repress it. I decided then and there that I hated both Glee and fanfiction. What follows is my expression of that contempt and is also incredibly filthy and retarded and should not be read by anyone.

Chapter 1: Milkshake (aka The Chapter Where the Disgusting Rape Happens)
“Well everybody,” said Mr. Shoe, “It’s been a long, hard year, but we’ve really come through, and I just wanted all of you to know that regardless of what happens at sessionals tomorrow, I’m proud of you. We’ve all learned valuable lessons about friendship and believing not only in yourselves, but in each other.”

Everybody in the room puts on their most sugar-coated smile and look around at each other in the sappiest expression possible of the warm feelings they have developed for one another. Little do they know that they’re about to turn up the heat on these feelings and really get their groove on.

“Alright everybody,” continued Mr. Shoe, “that’s a wrap for today. Go home and get some much needed rest and I’ll see you all tomorrow for the big show.”

Everybody filed out of the room with the big smiles still on their faces for the number one rule to glee club is to never stop smiling unless there is melodrama which there wasn’t yet so they had to keep smiling or be murdered by the glee fairy. Black Girl and Gay Guy were the last to leave, but before Gay Guy could exit Black Girl slammed the door shut and turned to face him. She didn’t have to say a word as Gay Guy could read her intentions in her eyes. And then she started to gyrate wildly and launched into her rendition of Kelis’ Milkshake. He backed away slowly, but she advanced on him until his back was against the wall.

“Please,” he begged, “I’m not into you like that. Glee Club has taught me that we’re all beautiful on the inside, but that doesn’t mean I want you.”

But she wasn’t taking no for an answer and continued with her song and dance. In a last ditch attempt to preserve his virginity, he screeched that he was gay, but that wasn’t the first time a man had told Black Girl that to avoid being violated in the worst way possible. She began taking off her clothes starting with her shirt. Gay Guy vomited, but Black Girl interpreted that as a sign of love like how in South Park, Stan always pukes on Wendy whenever she tries to kiss him. She rubbed the vomit on his naked body and forced herself onto Gay Guy. What followed was some of the most deviant sexual activity involving every possible bodily fluid and excretion that would make even Bob Saget cringe. When all was said and done, Black Girl stared into the hald-dead Gay Guy’s eyes and said, “now you know the reason why they call me Urethra Franklin” (I apologize for that). Meanwhile, Asian Girl says and does nothing. Wheelchair sits in a corner and masturbates.

Chapter 2: Hot for Teacher (aka The Chapter Where the Hot Sex Happens)
Mr. Shoe was sitting in his office marking papers or worrying about his wife or looking at naked pictures the counselor had sent him of some bullshit like that when Rachel walked in with that same, dead smile plastered on her face.

“Hello, Rachel. What can I do for you?”

“It’s about the solo tomorrow. I was wondering if I could have it instead of Cheerleader.”

“We’ve been through this a hundred times, Rachel. She’s best suited for the part.”

“But I know I can do better. To be honest, I’m the best there is and the most dedicated to Glee Club. There is no distance I won’t go to ensure we win tomorrow,” and at that she moved in towards Mr. Shoe gently singing Hot for Teacher by Van Halen. She sexily pulled at his tie.

“I don’t know about this…” said Mr. Shoe, but then she grabbed at his throbbing manhood and he suddenly realized that he did not give a fuck.

“Let’s do this!” he shouted and took off his clothes in a flash as backlights came on. He stripped Rachel down in similar time and together the two performed various sexual positions while gleefully singing Hot for Teacher. Shit, it was so hot. Like this sex scene totally makes up for the last one in how hot it is. Nice round titties bouncing all over the place, and Mr. Shoe’s ripped abs, and so much thrusting. It was so hot that when Counselor and Cheerleader Coach walked in on this totally illegal scene (which just made it all the hotter) to see what all the noise was about, they did the only sensible thing and started making out with one another. They then had a hot, lesbian sex scene just to add to the hotness of the hot sex scene already in progress. They all climax together just as they reach the end of the song. Asian girl says and does nothing. The Cripple sits in a corner and masturbates.

Chapter 3: What What (In the Butt) (aka The Chapter Where the Gay Sex Happens)
The Jock, having realized that he had forgotten something in the Glee Room, returns to pick it up and finds Gay Guy lying in a daze where Black Girl had left him. He rushes to his side to see what’s wrong and to help him up. Gay Guy is only half-conscious and thinks that he’s in heaven or dreaming when he sees The Jock’s perfected human form standing over him. The Jock brings Gay Guy’s face closer to his to get better look at the damage Black Girl had done and realizes that even in his current state, Gay Guy has deep, beautiful, blue eyes. They spontaneously lock lips for just a second before parting and staring at one another confusedly. Gay Guy is fully awake all of a sudden. They kiss again, but this time for much, much longer. Gay Guy is already mostly naked and offers his body up to The Jock who responds by ripping off his shirt like literally into pieces.

“Take me now,” Gay Guy whispers in The Jock’s ear as he turns over and reveals his smooth bottom, “You know you want to do what what in my butt.”

“I don’t think it will fit,” replies The Jock as he whips out his massive schlong,” you’ll have to moisten it first.

Gay Guy complies with vigorous enthusiasm and after sufficiently wetting it, resumes his position and has his rear penetrated for the second time that day (they call her Urethra Franklin for more than one reason it turns out (once again I apologize)) all the while singing What What (In the Butt) by Smawell complete with creepy smile. They make love passionately and tenderly and lie in one another’s arms for some time afterwards, absolutely drenched in sweat. Asian girl says and does nothing. Handicap sits in a corner and masturbates.

Also I forgot to mention in the last chapter if Rachel got the part. She totally did.

Chapter 4: Three Steps to Heaven (aka The Chapter Where the Threesome Happens)
After the gay sex, The Jock goes to the locker room to take a shower and get rid of the sweat he’s covered in. Just as he’ stepping out with no more than a small towel to cover his well-hung and somehow still erect dick, the two minor cheerleaders walk in on him as they are ditzy and confused as to which is the proper locker room. There is a flimsy pretext for sex and they have a threesome while singing Three Steps to Heaven by Eddie Cochran. Also, Mohawk and Main Cheerleader realize that they’re about the only two characters who haven’t gotten naked yet so they also have sex in some other part of the school. Asian girl realizes that her sole defining characteristic and purpose in life is being Asian and commits suicide. Paraplegic finally climaxes.

I know that this chapter is a little on the short side, but I’m actually sick with myself right now and must stop, so somehow you’ll just have to go on without more graphic descriptions of teens having sex.

Bonus points to whoever can correctly name all of the characters in this show.

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