Wednesday, December 21, 2011


When it comes to the Star Wars saga few characters get as much hate as Jar Jar Binks, but there is one particular group that I find particular offensive, annoying, and downright stupid. In fact, I consider them to be the worst thing in the whole Star Wars universe and they’re not even in the new trilogy at all. I am of course referring to Ewoks. I want to punch one of them so bad. They single-handedly prevented Return of the Jedi from potentially being the best in the whole series. I hate them so much that the mere sight of them offends me. I’m not even going to include any images or videos of them because I can’t stand to look at their stupid faces, or hear their grating voices, or facepalm as they run around just being Ewoks. The one exception I’ll make is this picture of a dead Ewok that makes me absurdly happy.


The first thing about them that pisses me right off is their appearance. I am pretty sure they’re supposed to be adorable or something because they kinda look like teddy bears, but really the only word I can think of that truly describes how they look is abomination. They have the sort of face that you cannot help but want to punch repeatedly. The fact that they’re only two feet tall just makes you want to kick them to boot. And then they start to talk. If somehow you were resisting the urge to curb stomp them before, now it’s the only thing on your mind. They sound like a combination of a munchkin and the little, old Portuguese lady who goes to my mom’s church and are five times as incoherent. This is the worst thing to ever happen to sound and that includes autotune.

At this point, the best that can happen is if the heroes escape the clutches of the Ewoks and maybe kill some or all of them in the process. But obviously George Lucas is dumb as shit so instead they ally with them. This is when things go from incredibly obnoxious to pants-on-head retarded. Together with a handful of rebels, the Ewoks manage to take out the Empire literally using sticks and stones. The same Empire that is so technologically advanced and powerful that they are in the process of building a second Death Star, a moon-sized murder machine capable of blowing up planets. Apparently, highly-trained Stormtroopers (most of whom are clones of Jango Fett, aka the most feared and efficient bounty hunter who ever lived) armed with laser guns and full body armour are no match for a tribe of fluffy midgets and some slingshots. They even manage to destroy an AT-ST Walker with a couple of logs. How are you supposed to fear the Empire when the Care Bears can bring them to their knees? It’s not only ridiculous, but completely unrealistic.

Like Jar Jar Binks, I think Ewoks were put in mostly to appeal to children, but when you’re movie has space dogfights, lasers, state-of-the-art special effects, and Han Solo you really don’t need anything else to keep the kids interested. There is absolutely no reason why they should be in the movies at all. I looked at the Wikipedia article on Ewoks to see if Lucas had any explanation as to how and why he conceived of Ewoks and this is what I found:

“Wookies are tall, so he made Ewoks short.”

What the fuck? Goddammit!

Bonus points if somebody, anybody, can explain why Ewoks are.

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