Friday, December 23, 2011

Feet, Photography, and Friendship

Dana was sitting in her bedroom doing what she does every Saturday afternoon; looking over photographs she had taken in the past week of random people’s feet. There were some pretty nice feet in there, but nothing really stood out until she stumbled upon a familiar looking pair of feet.

“I’d recognize those soles anywhere!” exclaimed Dana to nobody in particular, “It’s Daniel! But what’s in that strange bag he’s carrying? And why does it look like he’s walking into that abandoned building? More importantly, why didn’t he stop and say hello?”

With all of these questions needing answers, Dana promptly strapped on her finest pair of adventure boots and headed out the door right down to the bus stop where she caught the first one headed downtown. She would have texted Daniel, but he hadn’t replied to one in over two weeks so she figured she’d go straight to the source and find out just what he was up to. She got off right near the abandoned building his feet were seen entering in the picture.

“Time to do some detectiving. Detectioning. Detecting,” she said as passerby gave her odd looks. She looked about furtively before gently opening the door to the abandoned building and sneaking in. Much to her disappointment, there was nothing surprising to speak of inside. There was garbage littered all over the floor and a sleeping bag with a drugged up hobo in the corner, but nothing that would suggest any sort of clandestine activity associated with Daniel.

“Have you seen anything strange going on around here,” she asked the hobo. He responded by jumping up lightning quick and rushing towards her shouting obscenities about the Ocelot King. Dana temporarily blinded him with the flash on her camera and proceeded to kick him square in the nuts. He collapsed on the floor flailing about in a seizure.

“You’re weird,” observed Dana and walked along the walls to see if she could find any hidden passages. She pushed aside the dilapidated remains of a shelf and found a stairwell going down concealed behind it. She smiled and congratulated herself on outsmarting Daniel which despite being incredibly easy to do is still quite rewarding. She cautiously began her descent unsure of what she might find beyond. Once at the bottom she found herself standing in some sort of lab filled with mechanical apparatus and a very large and bizarre looking machine in the center.

“What on earth could this be,” she wondered aloud, and then saw the giant sign hanging above it reading “Daniel’s Friendship Destroying Device”.

“Very subtle Daniel,” she said aloud.

“I thought so,” replied a voice behind her that caused her to gasp and turn around. His face was shrouded in darkness for dramatic effect, but she could tell by his feet that it was Daniel in the flesh.

“I was being sarcastic,” she retorted.

“Were you now?”


“Fuck. Well no matter. It’s too late for you to stop me now. Well, almost too late. I just have to attach these last few parts I have in this bag. And also activate the device. But then friendship will be destroyed forever! Muahahahaha!”

“Why do you hate friendship so much?”

“All my life I’ve been happy and having fun with friends and enjoying life in general, but now I’m sick of it. No more friendship I say! It must be destroyed for the betterment of humanity!”

“How would losing friendship and all the joy it brings benefit humanity?”

“Because then we’ll have more time to spend with our girlfriends.”

“You’re so lame.”

“You won’t be saying that once my machine is activated and my masterplan has come to fruition!”

“And how exactly does your machine work?”

“I dunno. Magic or something.”

“Well, I’m pretty sure your Friendship Destroying Device is made out of old boxes wrapped in tinfoil with pie plates and construction paper attached to it, but just to be on the safe side I think I’ll destroy it anyway.”

And so with a well-placed kick she brought the whole machine crumbling to the ground and for good measure she yoinked the bag of materials from Daniel’s hand, threw it on the pile, and lit it all on fire. Because Daniel was such a pansy, all he could do was cry and watch helplessly as his life’s work was reduced to ashes. Dana took a picture of the scene (as well as Daniel’s feet) and prepared to return to the surface.

“You coming too?” she asked Daniel before she headed up.

“No. I think I need a moment alone,” he answered, sobbing.

“Ok. See you at the Christmas party then.”

“Actually, I don’t know if I’ll be able to make it.”

“Why not?”

“Because I hate friendship.”

“Oh, you,” she said and they both had a good laugh.

The End

Bonus points to whoever can prove that they love friendship the most.