Sunday, December 19, 2010

The Worst Christmas Carols

A while back I made a list of annoying songs that included Johnny Cash's rendition of "Little Drummer Boy." Well that only scratched the surface of godawful Christmas songs and today I am going to submit for your consideration some more of the worst yuletide carols I've had the displeasure of listening to.

Hark the Herald Angels Sing - Bob Dylan
You're going to have to skip ahead a bit in that video before you hit the song, but holy shit is it totally not worth it. I just don't even know what to make of it. I don't think there could possibly be a worse professional rendition of this song. I cannot conceive of what possible combination of drugs, alcohol, and apathy led to this performance that was actually released to the public for purchase and listening, but I can only assume that it would have been fatal to anyone other than Bob Dylan. Though while listening to it, you can hear him slowly dying on the inside. In the video you'll notice that hardly anybody can stand to listen to the whole thing, and indeed if this song were sung by Miss Moo Goo I'd probably stand a better chance of hearing the whole thing in one go. It's a complete travesty that only succeeds in making you feel a deep sense of shame for everything to do with this song and all the forces that let it happen.

Silent Night - Mahalia Jackson
I have nothing against what is sung in this song, just the way that it is sung by Mahalia Jackson. She draws out every goddamn word as long as she possible can. This song is three verses long and should only take two minutes tops to get through. But not if you're Mahalia Jackson apparently. Oh no, if you're her then this song is fucking "Stairway to Heaven." I get the idea that she's trying to be soulful, but my patience has its limits. At ten seconds I'm parodying her obnoxious singing style. After thirty seconds I'm shouting at her to get on with it. Once a minute has passed I get up and change the song. I get the impression that she's illiterate and lacks the ability to memorize, so she has to slowly sound out each word as she goes. This is the only scenario in which I can forgive the existence of this terrible song. In any other case there can be no forgiveness, only death.

Song for a Winter's Night - Sarah McLachlan
Jesus Christ, this has to be the saddest Christmas song in existence. Why would you even sing this at Christmas? It does the exact opposite of spread cheer. If anything it encourages suicide. Not only does she sound as if she's on the verge of tears, but the lyrics themselves are also fairly depressing. Nothing says "Hooray, it's Christmas," like, "The air is still in the silence of my room." Presumably, this song is about somebody longing for their deceased lover, but I like to think it's just a chick whining about her boyfriend who dumped her around Christmas. I think it's funnier that way if only for that extra bit of melodrama. It's also interesting to note that this song was originally written and performed by Gordon Lightfoot, so apparently us Canadians really hate winter. All that snow 75% of the year just gives us clinical depression. And this song does nothing to help.

A Christmas Trololo - The Gifford Children's Choir
What is this? I don't even!!! First of, what the hell does this have to do with Christmas? It's just a stupid internet meme that's as retarded as they come. Do these kids even know what they're singing? Why is the audience encouraging them by singing along? Does nobody question the creepy masks? Did nobody look at the lyrics and wonder why the hell they were just saying "trololo" repeatedly? The only way I can make sense of this is that the choir teacher frequents 4chan, but that only raises the further question of why he's allowed to be in charge of children. I find the whole thing to be ridiculous and somewhat disturbing. What began as a silly online thing is now becoming accepted by society at large, ingrained into our children, and celebrated during the holidays. Soon, trollface will become the spokesman for North Korea, Philosoraptor will supplant Aristotle as the basis for Western thought, and every episode of Mad Men will end with a rickroll. The horrors of the internet were not meant to get out. We are all doomed! Dooooooooooomed!!!!!

Must Be Santa - Bob Dylan
I know I already have on song on this list from Dylan's Christmas album, but that is not enough to get across the sheer terribleness of that album. This is considered to be the best song on the album and even has a ridiculous music video to go along with it. Everything about it operates on a level of incomprehensible stupidity. If you're not distracted by that shambling scarecrow stumbling while having the occasional spasm in front in the camera that is apparently Mr. Dylan, and actually listen to the lyrics, you'll be astounded by their sheer inanity. This is the same guy who wrote "Like a Rolling Stone," "Blowing in the Wind," "The Times They Are a-Changin," "All Along the Watchtower," and, "Don't Think Twice, It's Alright," just to name a few. What the hell happened? Knowing that Bob Dylan is responsible for this tripe is the most depressing thing I can think of. More people probably committed suicide during the holidays due to this song than because of loneliness. It's the definitive anti-Christmas song.

Also, honourable mention goes to "Gandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer," goddamn that song is annoying.

Bonus points to whoever can best describe how terrible the Bob Dylan Christmas album is.

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