Friday, December 10, 2010

8 Lamest Animals

I don't know where I should begin when describing my passionate hatred for this breed of dog. For me they're emblematic of everything that is wrong with the world, or at the very least everything wrong with Western civilization: mindless consumerism, profound stupidity, and bad Mexican food. Then you have that stupid Beverly Hills Chihuahua movie. I actually cried when I saw the trailer. I can only assume that Paris Hilton, Taco Bell, and Disney got together, had a threesome that defiled all conceptions of morality, and birthed that abomination. Chihuahuas themselves are not only laughably tiny, but are also the butt-ugliest dogs on the face with planet. The fact that they became popular at all just shows how tasteless our culture has become.

Everytime I see a pigeon, I feel a very Strong urge to kick it. Just looking at them raises my ire. They clutter up the cities, smell bad, carry disease, survive by mooching off of society, and most people tend to avoid them at all costs. Pretty much, they're the hobos of the animal kingdom. Except for pigeons are worse, because they weren't forced into their lifestyle. They figure it' a pretty sweet way to live. They're more than happy to run up and accost you for handouts. And in return they shit all over the place, especially on your car. They're filthy creatures, and whenever I see old people feeding them I'm all like, "Goddammit old people! Stop encouraging those bastards! They're disgusting!" and then I scare all the pigeons away. But they always come right back like the plague that they are.

For those of you familiar with Jules Verne's Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea, you may know that Captain Nemo's submarine is called The Nautilus and that's its described as a colossal masterpiece of engineering. The real life nautilus has nothing in common other than the fact that it swims in water. And it's not fast either. In fact it expends so little energy in movement that it only needs to eat once a month. Another interesting fact about their movement is that they swim backwards, which means they can't see where they're going and regularly bump into things. Not that swimming forwards would make a difference as their eyesight is so bad. Somehow, these guys have bumbled their way through multiple mass extinction events and have been around for millions of years. Here us humans thought that having larger brains was an evolutionary advantage. As it turns out we should just all put on blindfolds and start walking backwards.

I can't think of any animal less exciting to watch than a sloth. If I had to describe them in one word it would have to be "meh." They're so bland and boring that it doesn't even boggle the mind how bland and boring they are. Maybe you've seen one in a zoo, and after about ten seconds you walk on because it's doing absolutely nothing. Watching one try to move is pretty much the most pathetic thing you'll ever see. It would be like watching a one-legged cat trying to swim in a lake, they can sort of do it, but you know they aren't meant to. And they're so apathetic about everything it's ridiculous. Here's a video of one being carried off by an eagle. It doesn't even bother trying to resist. He just rolls with it. They're such easy targets I actually don't understand how they still exist. They're entire survival strategy seems to depend on the flawed idea that if they stand still then they become invisible. They're just lame.

Red-Sided Garter Snake
You may think it strange that a man with "snake" in his name would hate a species of snake, but these aren't just any snakes. First off, they're garter snakes which, as everybody knows, are the lamest type of snakes, giving snakes all over the world a bad name. But red-sided garter snakes give garter snakes a bad name and it's all because of how they have sex. 25 000 of them will get together in a den and initiate a massive orgy, piling up into gigantic balls of steamy snake sex. Sometimes, snakes will be crushed under the weight, but they just keep going at it with the corpses, making them necrophiliac. You probably think that this kind of crazy can only come from a place like Japan, but you'd be wrong. These guys live right here in BC. So just picture walking yourself walking through the forest and stepping knee deep in a giant, dead snake orgy. Have pleasant dreams tonight.

I drink plenty of milk, and there's nothing I like more than a good burger, but I hate cows. When I think of stupid animals, cows are always the first thing that come to my mind. Their brains developed to the point where they figured out how to eat grass and then decided that was good enough. Important life lessons like "don't run off cliffs," or "don't stick your head into the little gap," don't seem to matter all that much to cows. They just don't seem to give a shit about anything. They mindlessly go about their day doing absolutely nothing while patiently waiting to be slaughtered, herded, or milked. On top of this, they're quite and easily the least interesting of all domesticated animals. You can't really ride a cow or play with one or chase it around. They just sit there staring at you with their bored, empty eyes. I have no respect for them.

I know these guys are popular, but I've come to the conclusion that pandas no longer have the will to live. Everything about them is depressing. You know how there are some towns that are dependent on only one industry like coal mining, and once that industry goes under the whole town dries up? Well, that's pretty much what pandas are. Their only food source is bamboo, and boy they couldn't have picked any worse, and not just because it's getting sparse. Bamboo isn't nutritious at all, especially when you have the digestive system of a carnivore. They need to eat a ton of it just to keep themselves going, and baby pandas take months to grow to maturity as a result of the poor quality of the mother's milk. Also, it seems that pandas aren't big on procreation and some males flat out refuse to have sex. C'mon guys, I know she's not much to look at, but can't you take one for the team?

Lot's of people think these guys are cute when they do things like hold hands, eat off of their bellies, or do silly dances, but fuck 'em. I hate otters. They're assholes. I was watching Planet Earth, and there was this group of otters who started picking on a crocodile for no good reason at all. He was just chilling, minding his own business, when all of a sudden a bunch of fucking otters show up and start harassing him. He tried to scare them off, but they just kept coming back, standing at a safe distance while jeering at him. I know crocs and otters aren't exactly friends, but come on otters, bullying is uncalled for. You can fight more honourably than that, or better yet just leave him alone. He bears no grudge against you. Jerks.

Bonus points to whoever can provide a solid argument for why another animal is lame.

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