Friday, December 24, 2010

Christ Reborn

There are two things I've noticed about modern culture: firstly, the popularity of gritty reboots for superheroes and the like, and secondly, how hardly anybody other than Charlie Brown seems to give two shits about the true meaning of Christmas and instead focus on the more commercial aspects of the holiday. I've decided to capitalize on both tendencies and present to you my very own updated version of the birth of Christ. Enjoy.

Once their was a very powerful man who was simply referred to as "The Don" who had control over a relatively small neighbourhood, but was almighty nonetheless. Unfortunately, for all his splendour and all the people under his protection, he was without an heir, and as he spent most of his time residing in his mansion, he was growing increasingly out of touch with those beneath him. He therefore came up with a clever plan to kill two birds with one stone. The Don called his right hand man, Gaby, to his study and gave him this message:

"I've decided that it's high time I have a son, but since I have no wife we'll have to use some unorthodox methods. I have here a vial of my semen. I want you to take it down to this broad named Mary down on the Eastside and artificially inseminate her. Her father is indebted to me for the help I gave to him last year ensuring that his business stayed open, and owes me a favour in return, so there shouldn't be any arguments. He knows what happens when you cross me."

Gaby took the vial, paid his respects, and left immediately for the home of Mary and her family. "Congratulations," he said to Mary upon entering, "you're about to be the lucky mother of The Don's child and sole heir. Here's his baby batter and some money for an artificial insemination specialist."

"What? I'm not ready to be a mother. I'm not even married. How am I supposed to raise a child?" asked the bemused and voluptuous young woman.

"Fuck, I don't know. I'm just doin' what I'm told. Don't you have a boyfriend? Why don't you marry him?" suggested The Don's representative.

"Joe? I don't know if I want to marry him. He's just a mechanic and isn't really going places. I was planning on finding a nice lawyer. Also he hasn't been able to perform, if you know what I mean."

"Shit, you mean you're both virgins? That's hilarious."

"Can't we make some other arrangement?"

"What the hell do you want me to do about it? The Don tells me to give you his jizz, I give you his jizz. Fuck, why do you expect me to solve all your problems? You're on your own missy. See you round," and with that he took his leave.

With no other recourse, Mary married Joseph and underwent the procedure to get pregnant. A couple of months in, Little Caesar, the crimelord who ruled the entire city with an iron fist, ordered all those who were under the protection of The Don to return to their original neighbourhoods so he could count them and figure out how best to reap in extortion money from them. So Joe and Mary hopped in their beat-up old Honda Civic and set off for the Old Bethlehem neighbourhood where Joe grew up. Unfortunately, Joe was good-for-nothing layabout and then didn't leave until the last minute meaning there was no space for them due to the influx of people coming in. Even the crummiest hostels and boarding houses were filled to capacity and they were turned away everywhere until the proprietor of the Star Hotel took pity on them and let them stay in a lean-to set up by a hobo in the back alley. Here, amoungst the rats and the odd stray dog or cat, Mary began to go into labour.

On the verge of the birth of his child, The Don called Gaby into his study and told him to gather together some crack dealers to witness the birth and make it look legit. Faithful Gaby complied with his wishes and went down to Old Bethlehem and found a group of dealers who had gotten into their own stash and were having a pretty good time. They were completely out of their minds and Gaby had great difficulty in herding them off to the alley were Mary and Joe were staying. Not only did they think that there were multiple Gaby's, but they also thought he was some sort of divine being sent to smite them. Eventually he managed to calm them down and brought them to Mary just in time to see a baby boy pop out of her virginal vagina. Truly it was a miracle, thanks to science.

Meanwhile, rumours of The Don's unborn child began to spread and eventually reached the ears of three small-time hoodlums in charge of minor gangs named Vito, Joey, and Ratface. These three wiseguys decided to check out the veracity of this gossip and together made their way to Old Bethlehem by following the neon lights on the Star Hotel. So as not to offend The Don, they brought some sweet gifts in case the rumours were true. After some time of cruising around in their tricked out Mustangs, they finally found the back alley where Mary had just given birth. There was no denying that he was The Don's son and so the wiseguys paid their respects and revealed their presents. Vito gave the newborn some high quality gold bling to drape around his neck. Joey sprayed the babe with some pricey, and overly aromatic perfume. And Ratface brought out his finest hash, and lit baby's very first joint. When they saw him lying there in his cardboard crib, covered in gold chains, smelling like a pick-up artist, and smoking pot, they could already tell that this youngster was totally boss. As they left the alley, Gaby approached them and told the trio, "If you ever tell Little Caesar or any of his men about this, especially Dirty Harry, I'll personally fistfuck you sideways."

The final visitor that night was the Little Rum Runner Boy who had come to bring Joe his weekly fix. When he saw the baby, he figured that he ought to do the polite thing and give him a gift. Unfortunately the Little Rum Runner Boy was very poor and had almost nothing to give. All he had was a single leftover bottle of rum. He wasn't sure if 2 hour old babies should be imbibing alcohol, but he gave it to him anyway. The baby eagerly grabbed the bottle, took a big swig, and smiled contentedly. The Little Rum Runner Boy had done well and could leave knowing that he would live to see another day thanks to that easy-going, and all-loving baby who would go on to found the greatest international crime syndicate the world has ever known.

Well that's a lot of blasphemy for a single post. Much more than usual. Here's an entertaining picture from a few years ago that in no way makes up for everything I just wrote, but that I'm sure you'll enjoy nonetheless.

Merry Christmas Everyone!


  1. Congratulations Tristan, you hold nothing sacred! :D

  2. Zach is right, but that doesn't make this any less entertaining, ha ha ha

  3. This wasn't as offensive as I imagined it would be.
    Zach is wrong. You do hold something sacred, Tristan. a rather twisted sense of humour.

    You're right though, the picture doesn't make up for the amount of blasphemy in one post. It needs lipstick, a feather boa and a microphone.