Dear Joyce

Dear Joyce,

It has recently come to my attention that you have been skipping out on Board Game Club for little to no good reason, and no, “I’m lazy” is not a legitimate excuse. There are plenty of members who have valid reasons not to come, but do anyway because they’re just that awesome. Dana doesn’t have class on Fridays, but she still shows up. Michelle doesn’t even attend school this semester, but still diligently attends. Damian isn’t even a student at SFU, yet you can still see his shining face almost every week. Eddy is now afraid of me after a recent, disturbing conversation on Steam, but I’m sure he’ll come anyway, right Eddy? Joanna is Hong Kong for Christ’s sake, but she still makes the trek up the hill for BGC (in spirit). So, why is it that you’ve been absent as of late? Go ahead, you can tell me. We’re all friends here. Or are we? Is that it, Joyce? Do you hate friendship? Or maybe you just don’t think we care about you, that your presence doesn’t matter to us? Well I’ll have you know that your absence has been having a tremendously negative effect on club morale. Taylor, who always has that smile on his face regardless of what tragedies may befall him, broke down in tears over your apparent hatred of camaraderie. Brendan, who is normally the portrait of calm, has turned into a rage machine, smashing everything in sight and complaining about everything as a result of your flagrant disregard for our company. Jennifer and Erica have become so confused due to your abuses that they have forgotten which is which. Erika now thinks she’s Jennifer and vice versa, wreaking much havoc. We’ve taken to calling them Jenniferika which is just degrading for everybody. Even Kevin is disappointed in you for your constant ditching. Only Daniel doesn’t seem to care, but he’s a jerkwad so his opinion doesn’t count. But this letter isn’t about chiding you or listing my grievances. It’s about trying to get you to come back, to address any past wrongs and renew our friendship. On that note here are some things that we’ll do for you if you come back: Zach will personally give you a hug if you come back if you so desire. I know he certainly does. For his part, Justin will go at least a whole day without telling somebody that their penis is small or we will duct tape his mouth shut. Lily also hasn’t been to BGC in a long time (though she has a legitimate excuse as I discovered), but if she does come back I’m sure she’ll bake you some delicious cookies! I’m pretty sure Aleck is dead, but if you come to BGC then that will fulfill the spell to bring him back from the grave. You do want to save Aleck, don’t you? And finally, I will bring any board game you request and play it with you, even if that means swallowing my pride and bringing Monopoly to play from beginning to end, despite the fact that it is explicitly banned in the club constitution. Also, we have a handful of new members who are all eager to meet you, so why not come on down and play some board games with us Joyce? It’ll be buckets o’ fun with plenty of friendship to go around!

Sincerely,
Snake-Eyes Damascus