Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Incontrovertible Proof of the Existence of God: The Biography of Snake-Eyes Damascus

January 25th, 1990 was an auspicious day. A pair of eagles circled high in the sky, a flock of geese flew in formation from East to West, and a robin crashed into a window on a skyscraper. Clearly these were the harbingers of great things to come, and it is of no coincidence that on this day of January the 25th, 1990, Snake-Eyes Damascus stepped into this world. He did not cry as most infants are wont to do upon birth, nay he laughed, laughed at the attending doctor's futile attempt at a goatee. Verily, his facial hair was pathetic.

As the young prodigy grew older, his incredible intelligence astounded all those around him. He learned to read before he could even walk. Logical and mathematical problems posed no difficulty for his agile mind. He excelled in virtually every aspect of academia and was kinda alright at gym class. But Snake-Eyes soon realized that his potential was being wasted on this silly elementary school, and thus he rode off into the world to seek new challenges and become the man he was born to be. His first stop was high school, but after nary five years he grew bored of that as well, and so moved on to the greener pastures of post-secondary education.

And it is here that our story truly begins. Tired of simply being a student, Snake-Eyes decided to take on the role of a teacher. Thus he began spreading his word and opinions to anyone who would listen, and quickly developed a devoted following. But as his following grew, Snake-Eyes saw the need to organize them into a structured group. And so he founded his church, but fearing persecution he labeled it as "The Board Game Club," so as not to arouse suspicion. This gave him the peace and privacy he needed to preach to his disciples.

His sermons would go on to become the stuff of legend, and this author does not need to mention them here as they are so well known, but will anyway because the greatness of Snake-Eyes demands it, and also to fill up space.

At the first meeting of "The Board Game Club," more people attended than expected and there was a distressing lack of sugary treats. To remedy this grievous wrong Snake-Eyes spoke unto the heavens on above ,"Let there be pie," and thus there was pie of the strawberry-rhubarb variety. And the people did cheer. And Snake-Eyes did look about himself smugly, for he knew that he had created the greatest dessert dish of all time. Until the invention of rainbow flavoured ice cream in 2016. Which he also invented.

It came to pass that one of Snake-Eyes Damascus' many followers approached him and asked what the greatest movie was of all time. To which the wise teacher replied, "There is no single greatest movie, despite the claims of the American Film Institute, for greatness is a subjective quality, and measuring greatness changes depending on the genre and type of movie you are critiquing. However, I can say with complete assurance that The Room is the worst movie ever made, and will always be so, for it fails on every conceivable level and has no redeeming qualities. Despite this, all should see it for it is utterly hilarious." Thus he spoke, and thus it was accepted as an absolute truth.

While delivering one of his sermons, five non-believers approached Snake-Eyes and challenged him to a game of Risk to prove his divinity. The brave preacher accepted the challenge and taking the colour black, sat down at the table. They divided the territories on the board amoungst them equally, as the rules call for, and Snake-Eyes graciously ceded the first turn to the player seated on his right. This player immediately attacked Snake-Eyes in Kamchatka and rolled triple sixes. Things were looking dire, but much to the shock of all those around, the valiant commander rolled double sixes on his dice, thus fending off the invading force as defenders win ties. His opponents immediately surrendered to the divine will of Snake-Eyes.

Eventually, Snake-Eyes decided to take his teachings onto the Internet where he could reach a far greater number of people. He took the moniker of Dr Strangelove X for most cases and amazed people with his skill and prowess at games such as Guild Wars, Team Fortress 2, and Left 4 Dead. He also started his own blog which serves as a direct source for the word of Snake-Eyes Damascus.

This has been the life of Snake-Eyes Damascus thus far, but his legend continues to grow as his wisdom spreads to all corners of the globe. Who can say what miraculous deeds this king amoung men will yet accomplish? Only time will tell.

Bonus points to whoever can lavish Snake-Eyes Damascus with greatest praise in the comments section. Originality counts.

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