Saturday, March 27, 2010

4 Commercials that Make Me Cringe

Television has been around for a while now and television advertisements have been around for almost as long. We've had a long time to perfect the art of attracting people's attention and making them buy crap they don't really need, but every now and then a commercial comes on that apparently feels the purpose of advertising is to flaunt insanity. Here are a few examples of this rare brand of advertising that I've come across.


When I first saw that, I didn't know what I had just seen. If my sister hadn't been in the room with me, I probably would have convinced myself that I hadn't seen it at all, and that it was just some strange hallucination from watching too much TV. Even now I don't know what to make of it. The advertising budget appears to be somewhere in the range of $25 (I am assuming they paid the actress or, more likely, random prostitute). They saved a lot of money on writing. The slogan, selling point, product name, and method of use are all the same: "Head On. Apply directly to the forehead." In case you didn't get that the first time they repeat it twice more. What they don't bother telling you is what the product actually does. Is it deodorant? A zit remover? Acne treatment? Headache relief? A mind-control device? A glue stick? All I know is to put it on my forehead. And the effects (if you can call them that) are awful. I could have probably done better, and I had to look up how to embed video into my blog.


Gordie Dodd is a man who looked at every offensive Indian stereotype and decided that he wanted to condense all of it into a 30 second commercial in order to sell furniture. What resulted was a complete gong show. On what level does it seem like a good idea to dress up as a gay sultan surrounded by the local belly dancers club? You call that dancing, Dodd? A sloth having a seizure has more rhthym than you. And the slogan, "We won't be undersold," is by far the least catchiest slogan since "Apply directly to the forehead." Amazingly Dodd decided that this commercial wasn't embarrassing enough and went on to make more. Most of them feature him dressing up as a famous character, like The Hulk or Harry Potter, and talking gibberish for half a minute. In fact I could made this list entirely about Dodd commercials. For those interested here are some links to his other commercials.


Fuck. I cry inside whenever I see this trailer. When I first saw it, I was in denial. I kept telling myself that it couldn't be a real movie, that it was all just one big joke. Sadly I was wrong. Disney, Taco Bell, and Paris Hilton all got together, had the most disgusting threesome in the history of ever, and birthed this abomination. If I need to tell you why this trailer is horrible, then go fucking die. They should have just played this for the trailer instead. It would have made about as much sense, and been mind-blowingly awesome to boot.


When making this commercial, the people over at Evian decided to give the Uncanny Valley a miss and instead dove headfirst into the Uncanny Abyss. Those are the creepiest infants I have ever seen since the Soulless Puppytown Baby. Some of you may be saying, "Snake-Eyes, I can't believe you've stooped to the point where you're making fun of babies," but I defy you to look in the eyes of those things and call them human. Furthermore it's the most retarded thing I have ever seen. If Ms Moo Goo had an unlimited budget and was tasked with making a commercial for bottled water, this is what she would come up with. I never thought that something so terrifying could be so stupid. The very existence of this commercial demonstrates that humanity is doomed to fail. Let's just give up now.

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