True Romance Review

Since it seems as though the movie review podcast thing my friends and I were supposed to make every month will never happen again, I figured I’d just post my own thoughts on the movies we watch, kind of like what this blog was originally intended for. This month we watched True Romance starring Patricia Arquette and Christian Slater, directed by Tony Scott, and written by Quentin Tarantino.

The basic plot of the movie is a guy who works at comic book shop and is super into kung-fu movies (probably the closest Tarantino has come to writing a character based on himself) meets up with a manic pixie dreamgirl prostitute. Naturally, they immediately fall in love and get married the next day. Our hero is then convinced by his alter-ego, Elvis Presley, to go kill his new wife’s pimp played by Gary Oldman. In the process he steals a suitcase full of cocaine thinking it contains his wife’s belongings. I’m still not certain how makes the connection between “random suitcase” and “my wife’s stuff”, but whatever. When he gets home he tells his wife what he did, and because she’s a manic pixie dreamgirl she thinks it’s the most romantic thing ever. At this point two things became apparent: Firstly, like most Tarantino scripts, the plot and characters aren’t all that important compared to dialogue and copious amounts of blood (it has been said that the shallowness of Tarantino’s characters is profound). Secondly, that the reactions of one of my friends to the film will be just as entertaining as the movie itself. Even though I’m fairly certain this scene, and indeed much of the film, is meant to be ridiculous and played for laughs, she just couldn’t get over the absurdity and pretty much lost her shit. The movie doesn’t get much saner from there as the newlyweds flee from the mob to Los Angeles, so we shared many more laughs as her expense. And in case you wanted to know, her one word review for the film is "ridiculous".

As I said earlier, the plot and characters don’t really matter in the end, and it doesn’t take much to figure out the lovers will live happily ever after. I guess I don’t have too much of a problem with that since I have come to expect it from Tarantino, but that being said I found the ending to be a bit too sappy and silly for my tastes. Where the movie really shines is in the dialogue which should also come as no surprise. There are plenty of fun and hilarious conversations throughout the movie on various subjects ranging from Sonny Chiba to oral sex. My favorites tended to involve Elliot (Bronson Pinchot), a cowardly lickspittle who works for a major Hollywood producer. Brad Pitt also makes a memorable appearance as the perpetually stoned roommate of Christian Slater’s friend. The second aspect common to all of Tarantino’s work is the exaggerated violence, and True Romance certainly delivers in that regard. From Samuel L. Jackson’s cameo short-lived cameo appearance to the final showdown there is more than enough blood to satisfy all of your sadistic needs. Perhaps the most memorable of these scenes has a young James Gandolfini (you may know him as Tony Soprano) slowly and gleefully beating/torturing manic pixie dreamgirl. This scene probably packs the most raw emotional punch out of any in the movie. It is also worth noting two strange scenes where that aren’t particularly bloody, but still contain violent tensions. The first involves a mob boss played by Christopher Walken interrogating the protagonists’ dad played by Dennis Hopper. When you get these two guys in a room you know its going to be good, but the whole story of Sicilian genetics that dominates the conversation… was a tad bizarre, but was there because Tarantino, that’s why. The second is even stranger and takes place in an elevator as Christian Slater goes apeshit for no sane reason (there is an insane reason I suppose). I don’t really have much commentary on this scene, but I have noticed a trend in movies where when you get one or more characters in an elevator, then some weird shit is about to go down.

In conclusion this movie was pretty over-the-top, but still quite enjoyable. I don’t think it’s one of Tarantino’s best, but if you’re a fan then this is definitely a must-see. If you’re looking for something deeper and more meaningful then I’d go for Inglorious Basterds. Also, for best results watch with a friend who has lived a sheltered life.

Bonus points to whoever posts a one word review to this film.

Frientervention

A few months ago my dad realized that with the hundreds of TV channels we have access to he can conceivably watch reruns of Friends all day long. Since making this life-altering discovery he spends almost all of his free time watching old episodes to the point that my mother banished him to the basement because if she has to listen to that saccharine theme song one more time then she will actually flip a table. Suffice to say, his addiction to the sitcom has become a source of worry for us, so we decided it would be best to dissuade him from his obsession, or, failing that, to forcibly cut him off. Because seriously, Friends isn’t that great of a show, and there’s so much quality television on now I have no idea why you’d have to dwell on it. What follows is a transcription of what transpired to the best of my recollection.

Me: Alright, Dad. I think you’ve watched enough Friends for today. It’s time to take a break and maybe do something constructive. Like play your WWII computer game with that Russian guy.

Mom: Turn off the goddamned TV, Bob!

Dad: But I haven’t seen this one!

Me: There’s like 200 episodes, Dad. You probably have seen it and just don’t remember.

Dad: No, I’d definitely remember this one. It’s the one where Ross and Rachel hit a rough patch in their relationship.

Chelsea: Yeah… so we think you may have a problem.

Mom: When will it end! I don’t understand the appeal at all!

Dad: I’ll stop once I’m certain that I’ve re-watched all of them. And the appeal is that it’s funny.

Me: Firstly, the only sitcom more overrated is Big Bang Theory, and secondly, over 200 freakin’ episodes!

Dad: Hey, that’s an idea! I should re-watch all of Big Bang Theory when I’m done with this!

Me: …that was not my idea… at all.

Chelsea: He’s right, dad. You have shitty taste in comedy. I brought the first season of Arrested Development home with me. Why don’t you try watching that?

Dad: Isn’t that the show that was canceled.

Chelsea: Yes…

Dad: Well it can’t be that good if it got canceled. Friends ran for 10 successful seasons and it’s just great!

(At this point my sister ran up to her room where she blasted Edith Piaf music until she went to bed)

Mom: I just don’t know what to do anymore!

Me: It’s alright mom, I think I can handle this you just go upstairs and do some laundry.

Mom: Ok, but if I come down here tomorrow, and he’s still watching Friends, then I’m totally going to flip a table.

Me: So dad, do you know what day it was yesterday.

Dad: I’m not totally out of it son, it was Sunday.

Me: And do you know what’s on Sunday?

Dad: Friends!

Me: Yes, that’s on everyday, but do you know what else was on?

Dad: Ah crap, I didn’t forget another anniversary again did I. Is that why your mother’s mad?

Me: No, it’s May. Your anniversary isn’t for a while. She’s just mad because you watch Friends all day long instead of, you know, doing literally anything else.

Dad: I have no idea then.

Me: Game of Thrones is on Sunday. You missed it this week.

Dad: *gasp*

Me: Don’t worry, I recorded it for you, but next time I may not be so generous.

Dad: What have I become!

Me: There, there. It’s okay.

Dad: It’s just, Chandler is so cool.

Me: I know dad, but you know what Chandler did? He moved on. Friends ended and he went off to live his fictional life and do other things. He probably watches Game of Thrones.

Dad: Alright, alright. I’ll stop watching Friends. I’ll catch up on Game of Thrones, and then maybe start watching that Mad Men show you’re always talking about.

Me: That’s the spirit! I’m going upstairs now and tell mom of the progress we’ve made today.

Mom: So, how did it go?

Me: It went well. I think he’ll be alright.

Mom: Good.

Me: What are you watching?

Mom: Sex in the City.

Me: FFFFFFFFFFF-

My History in Profile Pictures

Your Facebook profile pictures say a lot about who you are and who you were, and it can both entertaining and intriguing to look back at old photos to see where you’ve been and ho far you’ve come. I have never actually used a photo of myself for my profile picture. That probably says a lot right there. In any case, here are all my profile pictures starting with my first going right up to the present day accompanied with my interpretation of what they say about me.

You may notice that this is also my Blogspot profile picture. I’m quite fond of this photo partly because I took it myself while on vacation in Ontario, and also because I never get tired of the absurdity of this sign. To this day, I’m still not entirely certain what its purpose is. I think this photo accurately summarizes my sense of humour and my love of the ridiculous.

This picture inaugurates my “Failblog” phase of profile pictures and is also my favourite example of them. Like the previous photo, it’s an accidentally ridiculous image that implies Superman is about to rape a small boy. If you don’t find that statement to be inherently hilarious then clearly you do not share my dark sense of humour.

I’ve talked about this picture in a previous post which I’m too lazy to dig up, but suffice to say it is disturbing by any standards. What kind of child would be put at ease by this dental aid? This photo tells you that I’m fascinated by abominations.

Hahaha! That kid is faceplanting! Actually, I’m beginning to notice a trend here…

Yep. I definitely enjoy watching children suffer.

For those of you who are functionally retarded, or not Canadian, this is our current prime minister, Stephen Harper, holding a kitten. Again, it’s a fairly absurd photograph that I’m assuming was taken in a hilariously failed attempt to quash complaints that Harper is robotic. As a profile picture, it tells you that I’m a politically aware individual.

I like board games. Especially when I can eat them.

It’s funny because it looks like that one mouse from Cinderella is pulling anal beads out of that other mouse! I have a pretty depraved mind.

Not gonna lie guys, I’d probably make a terrible father.

And thus begins my new phase of using fictional characters as my profile pic. I chose Arnold because I frequently gravitate towards the voice of reason in books/movies who are normally only supporting characters (such as Tom Hagen in The Godfather). I like that they made a TV show where he was the main character. This shows that I appreciate intelligence and forethought.

Gambit is boss! Also, I’m geeky…. EXPLODING PLAYING CARDS!!!!!!

This is a picture of my dad in high school. This shows that I like to make myself look good in comparison to other people and am contemptuous of my family.

I’m assuming you all read my post on Dr. Krieger and why he is awesome. He is everything I find funny rolled into one compact package. I love him.

Cassidy from the graphic novel, Preacher. He’s a drunk Irish vampire. This demonstrates my love of quality literature. Because I classify comic books as literature. Suck it.

I just think this would be an awesome crossover.

This is the closest I’ve come to using an actual photo of myself as my profile picture as it’s a screenshot of my main character in Guild Wars. As you can see, I’d just achieved god status (getting a bunch of achievements) and was quite pleased with myself. This picture proves that I do not, in fact, have a life.

This a pumpkin I carved last Halloween that I’m quite proud of. This shows my rarely seen arts and crafts side which is rarely seen because I suck at arts and crafts.

This is a picture of my good friend, Joyce Ngu, eating a potato chip in a very bizarre fashion. To be honest, I only put this up for like 5 minutes just to laugh at her get mad. Personally, I think it’s a lovely photograph. Also, I can be a jerk to my friends on occasion.

In all honesty guys, my grandpa looks cooler than James Dean here. Look at him: standing in the wilderness, carrying a rifle, smoking a cigarette, and straight up not giving a shit about anything except killing some bears. I will never be this cool. This shows both my love for my family and my love of all things badass.












 Yep, that about says all there is to know about me. Bonus points to whoever finds a photo that sums up my personality.

Best Movie Quotes

Originally, I was going to include the movies associated with each quote, but then I thought it would be more fun to have you guess where I got them from. Bonus points to whoever can guess the most. Only one quite per movie. Also, they aren't listed in any particular order.


1. I know it was you, Fredo. You broke my heart. You broke my heart!

2. You know what the worst part is? I’m not even supposed to be here today!

3. To my big brother George, the richest man in town.

4. Madness! Madness!

5. Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.

6. I am your father.

7. The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.

8. Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine.

9. I hope that their first child be a masculine child.

10. I’m sorry, Dave, I’ m afraid I can’t do that.

11. I did not hit her. It’s not true. It’s bullshit! I did not hit her! I did not! Oh, hi Mark.

12. I am a golden god!

13. It’s 106 miles to Chicago, we got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, its dark, and we’re wearing sunglasses.

14. A boy’s best friend is his mother.

15. There is no racial bigotry here. I do not look down on niggers, kikes, wops, or greasers. You are all equally worthless in my eyes.

16. I know what you're thinking. "Did he fire six shots or only five?" Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?

17. I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser Gate. All those moments will be lost in time like tears in rain. Time to die.

18. Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!

19. Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here! This is the War Room!

20. Rich fellas come up an’ they die, an’ their kids ain’t no good an’ they die out. But we keep a’comin’. We’re the people that live. They can’t wipe us out; they can’t lick us. We’ll go on forever, Pa, ‘cause we’re the people.

21. You’ll shoot your eye out.

22. I’ll have what she’s having.

23. Do you expect me to talk? No Mr. Bond, I expect you to die.

24. The stuff dreams are made of.

25. I fart in your general direction.

26. Cream? No, thank you, I take it black, like my men.

27. All right Mr. DeMille, I’m ready for my close-up.

28. Funny how? I mean, funny like I’m a clown? I amuse you?

29. Hey, don’t knock masturbation. Its sex with someone I love.

30. Again we are defeated. The winners are those farmers. Not us.

31. I love the smell of napalm in the morning. It smells like victory.

32. Mungo just pawn in game of life.

33. What we’ve got here is a failure to communicate.

34. Plastics.

35. How much more black could this be? And the answer is none, none more black.

36. You’re a very nosy fellow, kitty cat. You know what happens to nosy fellows? They lose their noses.

37. If you have to shoot… shoot. Don’t talk.

38. I’m mad as hell, and I’m not going to take this anymore!

39. My own. My precious.

40. You don’t understand. I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I coulda been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am, let’s face it.

41. Are you gonna bark all day little doggie, or are you gonna bite?

42. Well, nobody’s perfect.

43. I’ma get medieval on your ass.

44. God damn you Walter! You fuckin’ asshole! Everything’s a fuckin’ travesty with you, man! And what was all that shit about Vietnam? What the fuck had anything got to do with Vietnam? What the fuck are you talking about?

45. I would have followed you my brother, my captain, my king.

46. There should be enough. Enough for what? The journey home.

47. You talkin’ to me? You talkin’ to me?

48. Old brother left hand, left hand he's a fighting, and it looks like love's a goner. But wait a minute! Hot dog, love's a winning! Yessirree! It's love that's won, and old left hand hate is down for the count!

49. "Gregor Samsa awoke one morning to discover that he had been transformed into a giant cockroach." Nah, it's too good.

50. That was God laughing at me. Through that obscene giggle.

51. I switched glasses when your back was turned! Ha ha! You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders - The most famous of which is never get involved in a land war in Asia - but only slightly less well-known is this: Never go against a Sicilian when death is on the line! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha….

2012 Oscars

The Oscars were last weekend and beforehand I picked out, as usual, my opinions on who would win and my predictions on who would actually win. Here is that list along with the results and a bit of commentary.

Best Picture
Should Win: The Artist
Will Win: The Artist
Did Win: The Artist
The most important Oscar went to my favorite movie of the year so I am pleased. Though I do remain disappointed that Drive wasn't even nominated.

Best Director
Should Win: Michael Hazanavicius
Will Win: Alexander Payne
Did Win: Michael Hazanavicius
I was pleasantly surprised at this. I knew Scorcese would never win and I was pessimistic that the Academy wouldn't recognize Hazanavicius which is why I predicted Payne.


Best Actor
Should Win: Jean Dujardin
Will Win: Jean Dujardin
Did Win: Jean Dujardin
All I can say is why wasn't Ryan Gosling nominated for Drive?

Best Actress
Should Win: anyone but Meryl Streep
Will Win: Viola Davis
Did Win: Meryl Streep
I was among those who Meryl Streep addressed at the beginning of her acceptance speech. It's really hard to stay mad at that woman.

Best Supporting Actor
Should Win: Christopher Plummer because he’s Canadian
Will Win: I dunno. Nick Nolte?
Did Win: Christopher Plummer
I knew Jonah Hill didn't stand a chance and I figured it would go to one of the old timers, but which one it would be was more difficult to call. In the end, Plummer had the best acceptance speech of the night.

Best Supporting Actress
Should Win: Berenice Bejo
Will Win: Berenice Bejo
Did Win: Octavia Spencer
I probably should have had this one, but for some reason I thought it was Viola Davis who had all the buzz and not Spencer. Oh well.

Best Original Screenplay
Should Win: The Artist
Will Win: The Artist
Did Win: Midnight in Paris
I found this result to be rather disappointing. That is all.

Best Adapted Screenplay
Should Win: The Descendants
Will Win: Hugo
Did Win: The Descendants
I find it interesting that neither of what I considered to be the top contenders for Best Picture (The Artist and Hugo) won for screenplay.

Best Documentary
Should Win: Paradise Lost 3: Purgatory
Will Win: Hell and Back Again
Did Win: Undefeated
And now we enter into the world of random guesses based mostly on the title of the movies.

Best Foreign Film
Should Win: Monsieur Lazhar
Will Win: Footnote
Did Win: A Separation
I dropped the ball on this won. If I had noticed that A Separation was also nominated for screenplay then I probably would have called it.

Best Animated Feature
Should Win: Rango
Will Win: One of the foreign ones
Did Win: Rango
I don't really have anything to add here.

Best Original Score
Should Win: The Artist
Will Win: The Artist
Did Win: The Artist
If it didn't go to The Artist, I would have been pissed.

Best Original Song
Should Win: Man or Muppet
Will Win: Man or Muppet
Did Win: Man or Muppet
Bret McKenzie is awesome.

Best Cinematography
Should Win: The Artist
Will Win: Hugo
Did Win: Hugo
I guess I can accept that Hugo had nice cinematography.

Best Live Short
Should Win: Tuba Atlantic
Will Win: Time Freak
Did Win: The Shore
Based on the clips they played when they listed the nominees, The Shore looked to be the most boring.

Best Animated Short
Should Win: The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore
Will Win: Dimanche
Did Win: The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore
Looks like a nice short.

Best Documentary Short
Should Win: God is the Bigger Elvis
Will Win: The Barber of Birmingham
Did Win: Saving Face
I haven't seen any of the movies in this category.

Best Costumes
Should Win: The Artist
Will Win: The Artist
Did Win: The Artist
People in the 20's/30's sure were snappy dressers. And had sweet mustaches.

Best Makeup
Should Win: Harry Potter
Will Win: Harry Potter
Did Win: The Iron Lady
Ok. Sure. Why not.

Best Art Direction
Should Win: The Artist
Will Win: Hugo
Did Win: Hugo
I find it slightly humorous that a movie called "The Artist" didn't win for Art Direction.

Best Special Effects
Should Win: Planet of the Apes
Will Win: Harry Potter
Did Win: Hugo
I highly expected them to give the Harry Potter phenomenon at least some recognition now that its basically over. I was wrong.

Best Film Editing
Should Win: The Artist
Will Win: The Artist
Did Win: The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
Of all the wins on Oscar night, this one was the most random.

Best Sound Editing
Should Win: Drive
Will Win: Hugo
Did Win: Hugo
It is my great displeasure to say that this is the only category Drive was nominated in.

Best Sound Mixing
Should Win: Moneyball
Will Win: Hugo
Did Win: Hugo
Every other year they tell us the difference between sound editing and sound mixing and I always forget within 5 minutes. It doesn't really matter anyway since if a movie wins in one category it almost always wins in the other.

Board Game Taglines

I play a lot of board games, but rarely do I pay much attention to what’s on the box. However, after taking a closer look I discovered that quite a bit of effort went into the design of these boxes. After taking an even closer look, I realized that none of this effort went into coming up with a catchy tagline for the games. Below are some of my favorites.

Reminiscing – The game for people over thirty.

I never thought anyone would make a game designed specifically to remind people how old they are, but here’s proof to the contrary. I have to give props to the tagline for conveying the intended demographic to any potential buyers and scaring away anybody who is young and/or cool. From what I can tell, it’s just a simple trivia game that focuses on pop culture and history, but I still refuse to play it on principle.

Quiddler – For the fun of words.

If you think words are fun, then congratulations, you’re a social outcast! That being said, I don’t have anything against words or proper spelling. It’s just that I don’t exactly link them with good times either. I blame Scrabble for that mostly. Quiddler is actually an alright game surprisingly, though it does drag on a bit when every person spends twenty minutes trying to spell the best possible word(s). That’s about when Catchphrase starts to look like an attractive prospect.

Kings and Things – A fantasy board game with everything.

That tagline might seem innocuous at first, but that’s only because I left out the massive list of every unit in the game that follows that statement. Nothing says “this game will eat hours of your life away and confuse everyone involved” like a giant wall of text before you even open the rulebook. The game doesn’t even live up to its tagline seeing as how kobolds are conspicuously absent. Then again, that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Kobolds fucking suck.

Titan – The monster slugathon fanstasy wargame.

This tagline makes the game sound like an epic fun time where you’re just throwing dragons and shit at one another while laughing maniacally. Sadly, we have all been misled. This game has the most convoluted set of rules I’ve yet encountered and takes an absurdly long time to play. My friends and I tried it once and spent the whole time wandering around the board deliberately avoiding one another because we were too afraid to start a battle and have to deal with all the confusion that entails. I’m pretty sure Apples to Apples gets more aggressive than that game.

Zombies!!! – This one’s a no-brainer!

Hahaha! That’s hilarious! Because it’s a game about zombies and zombies eat brains! Hahaha! I get it! I don’t even know why I included this one on the list!

Stock Ticker – An exciting stock trading game for ages 9 to adults.

The words “exciting” and “stock trading” should never appear in the same sentence together. It’s a contradiction in terms and nobody will be fooled by it. And holy shit, are they actually suggesting we force 9 year-olds to play this game? What would they have to do to deserve that punishment? It could be worse I suppose. It could be Monopoly.

Theories – It’s a game.

Wow! Yes! Absolutely! I see nothing wrong with this. Whoever came up with this is a genius. I can see how that meeting went down right now:

Executive: Alright everybody, we’re not leaving this room until we have a tagline for this new game, what’s it called?

Employee 1: Theories.

Executive: Right! Theories! So what have you guys got?

Employee 1: Um…

Employee 2: Er….

Employee 3: I… got nothing.

Executive: Come on people! Think! What can you tell me about Theories?

Employee 1: Um…

Employee 2: Er…

Employee 3: It’s a… game…

Executive: Perfect! Brilliant! I love it! Well that was a great brainstorming session everyone. I think it’s time we took a well deserved cocaine break.

Guillotine – The revolutionary card game where you win by getting a head.

Some context: in this game you play an executioner during the French Revolution trying to collect the heads of various nobles. Armed with that knowledge and looking back at that tagline you just know that whoever came up with that pun-filled sentence still giggles to himself every night before he goes to bed. I like puns as much as the next guy, which is to say that I get tired of one after the second time somebody repeats it with a stupid grin on their face. With two puns in one only means I get tired of it twice as fast.

Bonus points to whoever comes up with a clever tagline for their favorite board game.

Skyrim

I’ve been playing a lot of Skyrim lately and as most of you probably know it has been receiving rave reviews from pretty much everybody. Although this game is good, great even, and has many fine points I’m going to instead quibble over all the minor details that moderately irritate me.

Gold is Meaningless

It is so easy to accumulate wealth in this game that it makes me wonder how any of the NPCs in Skyrim can possibly be poor. I have so much money that I’ve pretty much stopped looting dungeons and if I can throw money at a problem to make it go away then I’ll be sure to do it, because I actually don’t know what else to do with it. The only other thing I use it for is to buy arrows from vendors so I can sell more loot to them (what little I bother to take). On that note, I find it annoying that vendors have a limited amount of money. The Elder Scrolls is about the only RPG series I can think of where merchants run out of gold which is just another reason to never loot unless you want to travel to every shop in the province so you sell all your crap. Now when I find a valuable magical sword worth thousands of dollars I think to myself, “this is more hassle than its worth” and just leave it lying there.

Dragon Fights Get Old after a While

The first few times you fight a dragon it’s pretty tense and exciting, but once you figure out how to take care of them it quickly becomes repetitive and annoying. For the most part, fighting a dragon follows this pattern: hide from its fire, shoot it with an arrow, it flies into the air, wait for it to land, rinse and repeat. For what is supposed to be an epic experience, a surprising amount of dragon fights is spent doing nothing. I’ve gotten rather tired of fighting them now so whenever one appears over the countryside to harass me, I either ignore it and continue on my merry way, or if that fails then reload from the nearest save and go do something else.

Buggy Quests

I currently have four quests in my journal that are impossible for me to hand in, and five quest items that I have no way to dispose of. It clutters up space in my log and inventory and even though it has no effect on gameplay (other than some of the quest items weighing me down), it still bothers me for some reason. It’s just one of those things that you expect would have been fixed before release.

Sneaking is Weird

I always make a sneaky character in Elder Scrolls games and it’s often a somewhat overpowered mechanic that let’s you to get one-hit kills without any risk to your own body. Skyrim seems to have struck a weird balance where it is either obscenely powerful or sort of useless. My sneak is high enough that I can actually land on top of a person’s head and they still won’t notice me. But once I shoot an arrow at that person and kill him instantly, then suddenly all of his friends in a five mile radius will know exactly where I am and come running. And that’s why invisibility is great.

The Circle of Crafting

There are three crafting skills in Skyrim: alchemy, enchanting, and smithing. If you put your mind to it then you can combine the three to make absurdly powerful weapons and armor. First make a potion to buff your enchanting, then enchanting an item to buff alchemy, then wear that item and make another, stronger potion to buff enchanting. Do this back and forth until you reach the desired level of overpoweredness. Then enchant as much apparel as you can to buff smithing and make a potion of smithing. Put on the apparel and drink the potion then create a bow that does insane amounts of damage. Congratulations, you beat Skyrim.

Magic Horses

I don’t really dislike how horses can climb up even the steepest mountains with ease. In fact, I find it incredibly useful seeing as how my character can barely climb up a hill, but that doesn’t stop it from being rather strange and a little bit glitchy. Of course, though getting up is easy, getting the horse down the mountain will almost certainly spell death for the poor creature who all of a sudden can’t find his footing. Strangely, my character has no problem at all climbing down mountains, so now I’ve developed a strategy where I take my horse to the top, dismount, climb down the other side, then meet up with him again when I map travel. It’s very convenient.

Laughable Traps

One thing the developers put into their dungeons in what I’m assuming was an attempt to make them more challenging were a variety of booby traps. This includes tumbling boulders, swinging axes, fire floors, and poison darts. I don’t give a shit about any of them and will sometimes deliberately stand in them just for laughs. They do a pitiful amount of damage. If I see that a chest or door is trapped, I say “fuck it” and open it anyway because the worst that will happen is absolutely nothing.

Fetch Quests

I remember when I played Oblivion, being impressed by the amount of what I thought were original and exciting quests. I remember stealing an Elder Scroll, going inside a painting, slowly murdering all the guests at a party, and making it rain burning dogs and loving every minute of it. Although Skyrim definitely has many more quests, there are very few that stick out in my mind. The majority of them boil down to “go to x dungeon and bring back y item,” though some will have you kill a guy instead. Some people will simply send you to deliver an item to a guy next door, which though easy money is kind of insulting to the value of my character. So far the only quests that really impressed me are the daedric ones, but I still need to play through the main storyline so I’m hopeful that this may change.

Bonus points to whoever describes their favorite bug in a video game.