As I’m sure all of you well know, today is the first day of Hanukkah, the only Jewish holiday most of you can name with the possible exception of Yom Kippur. In honour of the occasion I shall review the forty-five minutes I saw of Adam Sandler’s animated Hanukkah movie, Eight Crazy Nights. Actually come to think of it, this is about the worst possible thing I could do in honour of the occasion short of extinguishing a menorah with my own piss, but I’m gonna do it anyway.
So I’m just going to get this out of the way right off the bat: Eight Crazy Nights sucks. It’s an awful movie that nobody should watch. It’s not funny, there are no interesting characters, the voice-acting is aggravating, the songs are forgettable, and pretty much every aspect of it is annoying. I missed the beginning and couldn’t stand to watch it until the end, but I saw enough of it to know that it’s one of the worst holiday specials in existence. Although every element of this movie fails in its own particular way there are three specific things that I find particularly aggravating and worthy of mention: the proliferation of poop jokes, the old midget man, and the fact that it doesn’t seem to have anything to do with Hanukkah.
Poop Jokes
At one point in time I imagine Adam Sandler wrote clever jokes, but those days must be long gone now because 90% of the jokes in this movie relate to fecal matter in one way or another. A guy eating a jock strap, the Old Midget Man being pushed down a hill in an outhouse, reindeers smiling with a mouth full of shit; it’s all played for laughs and I am sure it might be hilarious when you’re a nine year old boy and the mere mention of the word “poo” is a cause for raucous laughter, but for anybody else on the planet it is deeply saddening. I understand that gross-out humour has niche market, but I think everybody has a limit (proportional to brain-size) and this movie goes way beyond that for all except the most retarded of people (nine year old boys who probably live in trailer parks).
The Old Midget Man
So all of the characters in this movie suck in their own way that’s not even special that’s how hard they suck, but one stands above (or below) the rest as the most obnoxious: the Old Midget Man who I am sure has a name, but I do not have the inclination to look it up because seriously, fuck this guy. I’m pretty sure he’s intended to be the most comical character in the movie, but he comes off as the one I want to punch the hardest. I’m pretty sure he’s modeled after Ewoks because like them he’s short, hairy, and has a grating voice. Why Adam Sandler gave him that voice I’ll never know, but I can only assume its because he hates love and compassion. There is no character I have ever wanted to die harder in any movie since Mary Corleone in The Godfather Part III, but in this case my wish is never granted. Instead, as one giant fuck you from Sandler, he almost dies on numerous occasions from seizures, exposure, or violence, but always manages to survive so he can come back and annoy the viewer with a vengeance. Just when you think it can’t possibly get any worse, they introduce you to his sister, also voiced by Sandler, who is essentially his female counterpart just so they can double the irritation. I don’t know why this movie hates happiness so much. It’s like the anti-comedy.
Lack of Hanukkah
Despite the fact that this film purports to be about Hanukkah, I could not spot a single reference to Judaism, nevermind the December holiday, at any point in the forty-five minutes I watched. I’m sure its there by the end, but the fact that they completely disregard it for a solid half of the movie seems a bit odd. Even when they visit the Old Midget Man’s house, who I’m pretty sure is supposed to be Jewish, the only visible holiday decoration is a Christmas tree. This leads into what I find to be the most depressing aspect of this movie. While all the Christian boys and girls get a whole slew of great Christmas movies and specials to choose from (The Grinch, Charlie Brown, A Christmas Story, etc.) all the Jewish kids get for Hanukkah is Eight Crazy Nights and it hardly has anything to do with it at all (I think Rugrats might have a Hanukkah episode to be fair). If you’re a Jewish parent and you want your kid to watch a holiday cartoon to compete with Rudolph or Frosty and teach them about their heritage, you pretty much have no choice but to pop this movie in, and god that’s tragic.
Bonus points to whoever describes the best death scene for the Old Midget Man.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Ewoks
When it comes to the Star Wars saga few characters get as much hate as Jar Jar Binks, but there is one particular group that I find particular offensive, annoying, and downright stupid. In fact, I consider them to be the worst thing in the whole Star Wars universe and they’re not even in the new trilogy at all. I am of course referring to Ewoks. I want to punch one of them so bad. They single-handedly prevented Return of the Jedi from potentially being the best in the whole series. I hate them so much that the mere sight of them offends me. I’m not even going to include any images or videos of them because I can’t stand to look at their stupid faces, or hear their grating voices, or facepalm as they run around just being Ewoks. The one exception I’ll make is this picture of a dead Ewok that makes me absurdly happy.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
The first thing about them that pisses me right off is their appearance. I am pretty sure they’re supposed to be adorable or something because they kinda look like teddy bears, but really the only word I can think of that truly describes how they look is abomination. They have the sort of face that you cannot help but want to punch repeatedly. The fact that they’re only two feet tall just makes you want to kick them to boot. And then they start to talk. If somehow you were resisting the urge to curb stomp them before, now it’s the only thing on your mind. They sound like a combination of a munchkin and the little, old Portuguese lady who goes to my mom’s church and are five times as incoherent. This is the worst thing to ever happen to sound and that includes autotune.
At this point, the best that can happen is if the heroes escape the clutches of the Ewoks and maybe kill some or all of them in the process. But obviously George Lucas is dumb as shit so instead they ally with them. This is when things go from incredibly obnoxious to pants-on-head retarded. Together with a handful of rebels, the Ewoks manage to take out the Empire literally using sticks and stones. The same Empire that is so technologically advanced and powerful that they are in the process of building a second Death Star, a moon-sized murder machine capable of blowing up planets. Apparently, highly-trained Stormtroopers (most of whom are clones of Jango Fett, aka the most feared and efficient bounty hunter who ever lived) armed with laser guns and full body armour are no match for a tribe of fluffy midgets and some slingshots. They even manage to destroy an AT-ST Walker with a couple of logs. How are you supposed to fear the Empire when the Care Bears can bring them to their knees? It’s not only ridiculous, but completely unrealistic.
Like Jar Jar Binks, I think Ewoks were put in mostly to appeal to children, but when you’re movie has space dogfights, lasers, state-of-the-art special effects, and Han Solo you really don’t need anything else to keep the kids interested. There is absolutely no reason why they should be in the movies at all. I looked at the Wikipedia article on Ewoks to see if Lucas had any explanation as to how and why he conceived of Ewoks and this is what I found:
“Wookies are tall, so he made Ewoks short.”
What the fuck? Goddammit!
Bonus points if somebody, anybody, can explain why Ewoks are.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
The first thing about them that pisses me right off is their appearance. I am pretty sure they’re supposed to be adorable or something because they kinda look like teddy bears, but really the only word I can think of that truly describes how they look is abomination. They have the sort of face that you cannot help but want to punch repeatedly. The fact that they’re only two feet tall just makes you want to kick them to boot. And then they start to talk. If somehow you were resisting the urge to curb stomp them before, now it’s the only thing on your mind. They sound like a combination of a munchkin and the little, old Portuguese lady who goes to my mom’s church and are five times as incoherent. This is the worst thing to ever happen to sound and that includes autotune.
At this point, the best that can happen is if the heroes escape the clutches of the Ewoks and maybe kill some or all of them in the process. But obviously George Lucas is dumb as shit so instead they ally with them. This is when things go from incredibly obnoxious to pants-on-head retarded. Together with a handful of rebels, the Ewoks manage to take out the Empire literally using sticks and stones. The same Empire that is so technologically advanced and powerful that they are in the process of building a second Death Star, a moon-sized murder machine capable of blowing up planets. Apparently, highly-trained Stormtroopers (most of whom are clones of Jango Fett, aka the most feared and efficient bounty hunter who ever lived) armed with laser guns and full body armour are no match for a tribe of fluffy midgets and some slingshots. They even manage to destroy an AT-ST Walker with a couple of logs. How are you supposed to fear the Empire when the Care Bears can bring them to their knees? It’s not only ridiculous, but completely unrealistic.
Like Jar Jar Binks, I think Ewoks were put in mostly to appeal to children, but when you’re movie has space dogfights, lasers, state-of-the-art special effects, and Han Solo you really don’t need anything else to keep the kids interested. There is absolutely no reason why they should be in the movies at all. I looked at the Wikipedia article on Ewoks to see if Lucas had any explanation as to how and why he conceived of Ewoks and this is what I found:
“Wookies are tall, so he made Ewoks short.”
What the fuck? Goddammit!
Bonus points if somebody, anybody, can explain why Ewoks are.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Textual Errors
As a guy who has to deal frequently with reading, writing, and language in general you could say I have rather high interest in words and their correct usage. I always try to use proper grammar and spelling unless I’m chatting online in which case this falls apart almost entirely and I’ll use abbreviations and acronyms such as “ty”, “probs” and “stfu” like everyone else. There are limits to this however. For instance, if I’m typing a complete word I’ll actually spell it out how it’s supposed to be with the letters in their proper place. So I’ll type “computer” instead of “cmoptuer” and if I do make such an error I will immediately correct myself like so: “*computer” with the asterisk to indicate that I’m making a correction. When other people don’t correct themselves I don’t get too upset because I understand what they meant and so long as they don’t consistent spell every other in a sentence wrong I can deal with it. But there are certain abuses that really get on my nerves and people who make daily use of these transgressions should be slapped.
ALL CAPS WITH AN OVERUSE OF EXCLAMATION MARKS!!!!!!!!!!!!
I understand that it can be difficult for elements such as emotion and sarcasm to come through in the written word which lacks the intonation found in the spoken word, but there are better ways to convey that you are angry, excited, or retarded. One way would be to improve your vocabulary and find words that effectively get your sentiment across. In relation to that it’s important to understand context and connotation. Certain words are associated with positive or negative meanings (such as “I hate that lady” versus “I hate that whore”) and when you put certain words together it can create a whole new meaning depending on how they relate to one another (such as “look at this steaming pile of shit,” versus “this town is a steaming pile of shit). If this is too much for you to handle then know that “fuck” is a very enigmatic word that will definitely get your point across without excessive use of capital letters and exclamation marks.
Abbreviating Words into Words that Are Already Words
There are many example of this, but the one I am most familiar with (and most enraged by) is the shortening of “jealous” into jelly”. Not only does using such an abbreviation make a conversation more confusing, but you sound retarded when you do it, like really fucking stupid. Now whenever people ask me if I’m jelly I always reply “No, I may be jam, but I’m definitely not jelly,” because an idiotic question like that deserves such a nonsensical reply.
Deliberate Misspellings
This is most commonly done by thirteen year-olds who think that they’re leet and so spell “the” as “teh” or “gentlemen” as “mentlegen”. There is absolutely no reason for this outside of wanting people you meet online to know ahead of time that you’re inbred before they socialize with you. It really does not take any effort to spell the word correctly and maybe people might actually start respecting you if you do. Wait, what the fuck am I talking about. This is the internet.
Using Numbers as Letters
The same group that deliberately misspells words also tends commit this crime as well, replacing the letter “e” with “3” all over the place. Again, it makes me ask, why? What purpose does it serve? It doesn’t make anything shorter. If anything it takes longer to read through a sentence filled with needless numbers, because they’re not the same as letters. They serve a different function and the mind has to work around that when trying to read them as part of the alphabet. It is fundamentally stupid and its pathetic watching nerds trying to pass off as cool by inserting numbers where they don’t belong. If you insist on doing this then please don’t talk to me. There’s enough retarded on the internet for me to deal with as it is.
Saying “sup” as a Greeting
I know that this is really specific and weird, but for some reason it’s one of my pet peeves. I think it’s because “sup” is the abbreviated form of “what’s up?” so whenever somebody uses it as a greeting I always read it as a question. I’ll then reply “not much” (or “nm” if I’m feeling particularly lazy) which leads to an awkward situation where I’ve just provided an answer to a question they don’t even realize they’ve asked, and now they don’t know how to respond. It’s even worse if I provide a more in-depth answer like “vanquishing Spearhead Peak” when all they expected was a simple hello. It also confuses me when they say “sup” and immediately follow it with “what’s going on?” because it’s like they’re asking the same question twice. I guess my point is, just stick to “hey,” “hi,” or even “yo.”
Using Text Speak in Everyday Speak
Lately there has been a trend of language people use on the internet spilling over into common speech when people talk to one another face to face. Even I have been guilty of this on occasion and every time I repent my sin and die a little bit inside. It’s a terrifying trend and a pointless one as it not only degrades our language skills, but it defeats the purpose of abbreviation these online words were initially meant to serve. Saying “ty” is no shorter than saying “thank you” and is ten times more insipid for every letter you leave out. This must be stopped before it goes to far and we forget what it’s like to feel and people say “lol” instead of actually laughing or “qq” instead of crying. I know that this is a slippery slope argument, but it’s still a bad habit.
Bonus points to whoever includes all of these pet peeves of mine in a creative response.
ALL CAPS WITH AN OVERUSE OF EXCLAMATION MARKS!!!!!!!!!!!!
I understand that it can be difficult for elements such as emotion and sarcasm to come through in the written word which lacks the intonation found in the spoken word, but there are better ways to convey that you are angry, excited, or retarded. One way would be to improve your vocabulary and find words that effectively get your sentiment across. In relation to that it’s important to understand context and connotation. Certain words are associated with positive or negative meanings (such as “I hate that lady” versus “I hate that whore”) and when you put certain words together it can create a whole new meaning depending on how they relate to one another (such as “look at this steaming pile of shit,” versus “this town is a steaming pile of shit). If this is too much for you to handle then know that “fuck” is a very enigmatic word that will definitely get your point across without excessive use of capital letters and exclamation marks.
Abbreviating Words into Words that Are Already Words
There are many example of this, but the one I am most familiar with (and most enraged by) is the shortening of “jealous” into jelly”. Not only does using such an abbreviation make a conversation more confusing, but you sound retarded when you do it, like really fucking stupid. Now whenever people ask me if I’m jelly I always reply “No, I may be jam, but I’m definitely not jelly,” because an idiotic question like that deserves such a nonsensical reply.
Deliberate Misspellings
This is most commonly done by thirteen year-olds who think that they’re leet and so spell “the” as “teh” or “gentlemen” as “mentlegen”. There is absolutely no reason for this outside of wanting people you meet online to know ahead of time that you’re inbred before they socialize with you. It really does not take any effort to spell the word correctly and maybe people might actually start respecting you if you do. Wait, what the fuck am I talking about. This is the internet.
Using Numbers as Letters
The same group that deliberately misspells words also tends commit this crime as well, replacing the letter “e” with “3” all over the place. Again, it makes me ask, why? What purpose does it serve? It doesn’t make anything shorter. If anything it takes longer to read through a sentence filled with needless numbers, because they’re not the same as letters. They serve a different function and the mind has to work around that when trying to read them as part of the alphabet. It is fundamentally stupid and its pathetic watching nerds trying to pass off as cool by inserting numbers where they don’t belong. If you insist on doing this then please don’t talk to me. There’s enough retarded on the internet for me to deal with as it is.
Saying “sup” as a Greeting
I know that this is really specific and weird, but for some reason it’s one of my pet peeves. I think it’s because “sup” is the abbreviated form of “what’s up?” so whenever somebody uses it as a greeting I always read it as a question. I’ll then reply “not much” (or “nm” if I’m feeling particularly lazy) which leads to an awkward situation where I’ve just provided an answer to a question they don’t even realize they’ve asked, and now they don’t know how to respond. It’s even worse if I provide a more in-depth answer like “vanquishing Spearhead Peak” when all they expected was a simple hello. It also confuses me when they say “sup” and immediately follow it with “what’s going on?” because it’s like they’re asking the same question twice. I guess my point is, just stick to “hey,” “hi,” or even “yo.”
Using Text Speak in Everyday Speak
Lately there has been a trend of language people use on the internet spilling over into common speech when people talk to one another face to face. Even I have been guilty of this on occasion and every time I repent my sin and die a little bit inside. It’s a terrifying trend and a pointless one as it not only degrades our language skills, but it defeats the purpose of abbreviation these online words were initially meant to serve. Saying “ty” is no shorter than saying “thank you” and is ten times more insipid for every letter you leave out. This must be stopped before it goes to far and we forget what it’s like to feel and people say “lol” instead of actually laughing or “qq” instead of crying. I know that this is a slippery slope argument, but it’s still a bad habit.
Bonus points to whoever includes all of these pet peeves of mine in a creative response.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Glee Fanfic
So my older sister is in to some pretty weird shit and last summer I discovered that she enjoyed reading Glee fanfiction. I discovered this because her laptop broke down and she had to borrow mine and one day when I went on to play Text Twist I found a window open filled with some of the most horrifying garbage I have ever seen written. I don’t remember what it was I read because I only read one sentence and have since put up every mental block possible to repress it. I decided then and there that I hated both Glee and fanfiction. What follows is my expression of that contempt and is also incredibly filthy and retarded and should not be read by anyone.
Chapter 1: Milkshake (aka The Chapter Where the Disgusting Rape Happens)
“Well everybody,” said Mr. Shoe, “It’s been a long, hard year, but we’ve really come through, and I just wanted all of you to know that regardless of what happens at sessionals tomorrow, I’m proud of you. We’ve all learned valuable lessons about friendship and believing not only in yourselves, but in each other.”
Everybody in the room puts on their most sugar-coated smile and look around at each other in the sappiest expression possible of the warm feelings they have developed for one another. Little do they know that they’re about to turn up the heat on these feelings and really get their groove on.
“Alright everybody,” continued Mr. Shoe, “that’s a wrap for today. Go home and get some much needed rest and I’ll see you all tomorrow for the big show.”
Everybody filed out of the room with the big smiles still on their faces for the number one rule to glee club is to never stop smiling unless there is melodrama which there wasn’t yet so they had to keep smiling or be murdered by the glee fairy. Black Girl and Gay Guy were the last to leave, but before Gay Guy could exit Black Girl slammed the door shut and turned to face him. She didn’t have to say a word as Gay Guy could read her intentions in her eyes. And then she started to gyrate wildly and launched into her rendition of Kelis’ Milkshake. He backed away slowly, but she advanced on him until his back was against the wall.
“Please,” he begged, “I’m not into you like that. Glee Club has taught me that we’re all beautiful on the inside, but that doesn’t mean I want you.”
But she wasn’t taking no for an answer and continued with her song and dance. In a last ditch attempt to preserve his virginity, he screeched that he was gay, but that wasn’t the first time a man had told Black Girl that to avoid being violated in the worst way possible. She began taking off her clothes starting with her shirt. Gay Guy vomited, but Black Girl interpreted that as a sign of love like how in South Park, Stan always pukes on Wendy whenever she tries to kiss him. She rubbed the vomit on his naked body and forced herself onto Gay Guy. What followed was some of the most deviant sexual activity involving every possible bodily fluid and excretion that would make even Bob Saget cringe. When all was said and done, Black Girl stared into the hald-dead Gay Guy’s eyes and said, “now you know the reason why they call me Urethra Franklin” (I apologize for that). Meanwhile, Asian Girl says and does nothing. Wheelchair sits in a corner and masturbates.
Chapter 2: Hot for Teacher (aka The Chapter Where the Hot Sex Happens)
Mr. Shoe was sitting in his office marking papers or worrying about his wife or looking at naked pictures the counselor had sent him of some bullshit like that when Rachel walked in with that same, dead smile plastered on her face.
“Hello, Rachel. What can I do for you?”
“It’s about the solo tomorrow. I was wondering if I could have it instead of Cheerleader.”
“We’ve been through this a hundred times, Rachel. She’s best suited for the part.”
“But I know I can do better. To be honest, I’m the best there is and the most dedicated to Glee Club. There is no distance I won’t go to ensure we win tomorrow,” and at that she moved in towards Mr. Shoe gently singing Hot for Teacher by Van Halen. She sexily pulled at his tie.
“I don’t know about this…” said Mr. Shoe, but then she grabbed at his throbbing manhood and he suddenly realized that he did not give a fuck.
“Let’s do this!” he shouted and took off his clothes in a flash as backlights came on. He stripped Rachel down in similar time and together the two performed various sexual positions while gleefully singing Hot for Teacher. Shit, it was so hot. Like this sex scene totally makes up for the last one in how hot it is. Nice round titties bouncing all over the place, and Mr. Shoe’s ripped abs, and so much thrusting. It was so hot that when Counselor and Cheerleader Coach walked in on this totally illegal scene (which just made it all the hotter) to see what all the noise was about, they did the only sensible thing and started making out with one another. They then had a hot, lesbian sex scene just to add to the hotness of the hot sex scene already in progress. They all climax together just as they reach the end of the song. Asian girl says and does nothing. The Cripple sits in a corner and masturbates.
Chapter 3: What What (In the Butt) (aka The Chapter Where the Gay Sex Happens)
The Jock, having realized that he had forgotten something in the Glee Room, returns to pick it up and finds Gay Guy lying in a daze where Black Girl had left him. He rushes to his side to see what’s wrong and to help him up. Gay Guy is only half-conscious and thinks that he’s in heaven or dreaming when he sees The Jock’s perfected human form standing over him. The Jock brings Gay Guy’s face closer to his to get better look at the damage Black Girl had done and realizes that even in his current state, Gay Guy has deep, beautiful, blue eyes. They spontaneously lock lips for just a second before parting and staring at one another confusedly. Gay Guy is fully awake all of a sudden. They kiss again, but this time for much, much longer. Gay Guy is already mostly naked and offers his body up to The Jock who responds by ripping off his shirt like literally into pieces.
“Take me now,” Gay Guy whispers in The Jock’s ear as he turns over and reveals his smooth bottom, “You know you want to do what what in my butt.”
“I don’t think it will fit,” replies The Jock as he whips out his massive schlong,” you’ll have to moisten it first.
Gay Guy complies with vigorous enthusiasm and after sufficiently wetting it, resumes his position and has his rear penetrated for the second time that day (they call her Urethra Franklin for more than one reason it turns out (once again I apologize)) all the while singing What What (In the Butt) by Smawell complete with creepy smile. They make love passionately and tenderly and lie in one another’s arms for some time afterwards, absolutely drenched in sweat. Asian girl says and does nothing. Handicap sits in a corner and masturbates.
Also I forgot to mention in the last chapter if Rachel got the part. She totally did.
Chapter 4: Three Steps to Heaven (aka The Chapter Where the Threesome Happens)
After the gay sex, The Jock goes to the locker room to take a shower and get rid of the sweat he’s covered in. Just as he’ stepping out with no more than a small towel to cover his well-hung and somehow still erect dick, the two minor cheerleaders walk in on him as they are ditzy and confused as to which is the proper locker room. There is a flimsy pretext for sex and they have a threesome while singing Three Steps to Heaven by Eddie Cochran. Also, Mohawk and Main Cheerleader realize that they’re about the only two characters who haven’t gotten naked yet so they also have sex in some other part of the school. Asian girl realizes that her sole defining characteristic and purpose in life is being Asian and commits suicide. Paraplegic finally climaxes.
I know that this chapter is a little on the short side, but I’m actually sick with myself right now and must stop, so somehow you’ll just have to go on without more graphic descriptions of teens having sex.
Bonus points to whoever can correctly name all of the characters in this show.
Chapter 1: Milkshake (aka The Chapter Where the Disgusting Rape Happens)
“Well everybody,” said Mr. Shoe, “It’s been a long, hard year, but we’ve really come through, and I just wanted all of you to know that regardless of what happens at sessionals tomorrow, I’m proud of you. We’ve all learned valuable lessons about friendship and believing not only in yourselves, but in each other.”
Everybody in the room puts on their most sugar-coated smile and look around at each other in the sappiest expression possible of the warm feelings they have developed for one another. Little do they know that they’re about to turn up the heat on these feelings and really get their groove on.
“Alright everybody,” continued Mr. Shoe, “that’s a wrap for today. Go home and get some much needed rest and I’ll see you all tomorrow for the big show.”
Everybody filed out of the room with the big smiles still on their faces for the number one rule to glee club is to never stop smiling unless there is melodrama which there wasn’t yet so they had to keep smiling or be murdered by the glee fairy. Black Girl and Gay Guy were the last to leave, but before Gay Guy could exit Black Girl slammed the door shut and turned to face him. She didn’t have to say a word as Gay Guy could read her intentions in her eyes. And then she started to gyrate wildly and launched into her rendition of Kelis’ Milkshake. He backed away slowly, but she advanced on him until his back was against the wall.
“Please,” he begged, “I’m not into you like that. Glee Club has taught me that we’re all beautiful on the inside, but that doesn’t mean I want you.”
But she wasn’t taking no for an answer and continued with her song and dance. In a last ditch attempt to preserve his virginity, he screeched that he was gay, but that wasn’t the first time a man had told Black Girl that to avoid being violated in the worst way possible. She began taking off her clothes starting with her shirt. Gay Guy vomited, but Black Girl interpreted that as a sign of love like how in South Park, Stan always pukes on Wendy whenever she tries to kiss him. She rubbed the vomit on his naked body and forced herself onto Gay Guy. What followed was some of the most deviant sexual activity involving every possible bodily fluid and excretion that would make even Bob Saget cringe. When all was said and done, Black Girl stared into the hald-dead Gay Guy’s eyes and said, “now you know the reason why they call me Urethra Franklin” (I apologize for that). Meanwhile, Asian Girl says and does nothing. Wheelchair sits in a corner and masturbates.
Chapter 2: Hot for Teacher (aka The Chapter Where the Hot Sex Happens)
Mr. Shoe was sitting in his office marking papers or worrying about his wife or looking at naked pictures the counselor had sent him of some bullshit like that when Rachel walked in with that same, dead smile plastered on her face.
“Hello, Rachel. What can I do for you?”
“It’s about the solo tomorrow. I was wondering if I could have it instead of Cheerleader.”
“We’ve been through this a hundred times, Rachel. She’s best suited for the part.”
“But I know I can do better. To be honest, I’m the best there is and the most dedicated to Glee Club. There is no distance I won’t go to ensure we win tomorrow,” and at that she moved in towards Mr. Shoe gently singing Hot for Teacher by Van Halen. She sexily pulled at his tie.
“I don’t know about this…” said Mr. Shoe, but then she grabbed at his throbbing manhood and he suddenly realized that he did not give a fuck.
“Let’s do this!” he shouted and took off his clothes in a flash as backlights came on. He stripped Rachel down in similar time and together the two performed various sexual positions while gleefully singing Hot for Teacher. Shit, it was so hot. Like this sex scene totally makes up for the last one in how hot it is. Nice round titties bouncing all over the place, and Mr. Shoe’s ripped abs, and so much thrusting. It was so hot that when Counselor and Cheerleader Coach walked in on this totally illegal scene (which just made it all the hotter) to see what all the noise was about, they did the only sensible thing and started making out with one another. They then had a hot, lesbian sex scene just to add to the hotness of the hot sex scene already in progress. They all climax together just as they reach the end of the song. Asian girl says and does nothing. The Cripple sits in a corner and masturbates.
Chapter 3: What What (In the Butt) (aka The Chapter Where the Gay Sex Happens)
The Jock, having realized that he had forgotten something in the Glee Room, returns to pick it up and finds Gay Guy lying in a daze where Black Girl had left him. He rushes to his side to see what’s wrong and to help him up. Gay Guy is only half-conscious and thinks that he’s in heaven or dreaming when he sees The Jock’s perfected human form standing over him. The Jock brings Gay Guy’s face closer to his to get better look at the damage Black Girl had done and realizes that even in his current state, Gay Guy has deep, beautiful, blue eyes. They spontaneously lock lips for just a second before parting and staring at one another confusedly. Gay Guy is fully awake all of a sudden. They kiss again, but this time for much, much longer. Gay Guy is already mostly naked and offers his body up to The Jock who responds by ripping off his shirt like literally into pieces.
“Take me now,” Gay Guy whispers in The Jock’s ear as he turns over and reveals his smooth bottom, “You know you want to do what what in my butt.”
“I don’t think it will fit,” replies The Jock as he whips out his massive schlong,” you’ll have to moisten it first.
Gay Guy complies with vigorous enthusiasm and after sufficiently wetting it, resumes his position and has his rear penetrated for the second time that day (they call her Urethra Franklin for more than one reason it turns out (once again I apologize)) all the while singing What What (In the Butt) by Smawell complete with creepy smile. They make love passionately and tenderly and lie in one another’s arms for some time afterwards, absolutely drenched in sweat. Asian girl says and does nothing. Handicap sits in a corner and masturbates.
Also I forgot to mention in the last chapter if Rachel got the part. She totally did.
Chapter 4: Three Steps to Heaven (aka The Chapter Where the Threesome Happens)
After the gay sex, The Jock goes to the locker room to take a shower and get rid of the sweat he’s covered in. Just as he’ stepping out with no more than a small towel to cover his well-hung and somehow still erect dick, the two minor cheerleaders walk in on him as they are ditzy and confused as to which is the proper locker room. There is a flimsy pretext for sex and they have a threesome while singing Three Steps to Heaven by Eddie Cochran. Also, Mohawk and Main Cheerleader realize that they’re about the only two characters who haven’t gotten naked yet so they also have sex in some other part of the school. Asian girl realizes that her sole defining characteristic and purpose in life is being Asian and commits suicide. Paraplegic finally climaxes.
I know that this chapter is a little on the short side, but I’m actually sick with myself right now and must stop, so somehow you’ll just have to go on without more graphic descriptions of teens having sex.
Bonus points to whoever can correctly name all of the characters in this show.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Japanese Children's Show Segment
Well over a year ago, I made a post about the strangest children’s TV shows I could find and in that list I included a link to a scene from a Japanese show where toddlers approximate dancing either by flopping about on the ground like turtles on their back or by standing perfectly still. Given that the results are obviously a complete catastrophe, I figured that this sketch was just a one time thing that was done mostly as a joke for the parents. Apparently I was wrong and this is actually a regularly occurring segment that they probably put into every single episode. This is the conversation that I imagine occurred between two producers after the first episode to explain why this is:
Producer 1: Well that was a total disaster and embarrassing for everyone involved. I guess we’ll need to replace it with something new. Any suggestions?
Producer 2: Tentacle rape.
Producer 1: Why does it always come back to tentacle rape with you? Why do you insist on playing into that ridiculous and offensive stereotype?
Producer 2: Are you telling me you don’t like watching giant squid molest nubile teens?
Producer 1: Goddammit man! This is a kid’s show!
Producer 2: All the more reason to go with it.
Producer 1: Screw it! We’ll stick with the dancing! Anything to make this conversation end!
This conversation also probably explains most Japanese television. Below are some more examples of the segment (including the original) as well as a more in-depth analysis on what is going on.
So the first thing I can’t help but notice is that in spite of the hosts’ enthusiasm, a solid half of the kids will be standing still at any given time. Sometimes they’ll make a feeble attempt at flailing their arms, but mostly they just look helplessly around for some sort of guidance. With both the dog and the older girl showing them how to do the dance, they can’t be possibly be looking for instructions on what to do, so I can only assume that they’re wondering how the hell they got to where they are. When the time comes for everybody to fall and roll around on the ground, again only about half will actually do it and of that half only half will stand back up again. In case you weren’t already convinced that this is a disorganized mess, one of the later moves is to run around literally wherever you want and they still manage to fail at it. At least one will always run off stage, a solid quarter will remain motionless, and half of the half that didn’t fall down earlier will do so now. On occasion, the cameraman will spot a child who actually appears to be doing the action they’re supposed to and will zoom in on them. Always and without fail, that child will stop doing anything right at that moment with a peculiar look on their face. You might call it confusion, and you’d be right, but there’s something more going on there: sheer terror. Trust me when I say I’ve become an expert at reading terror in children’s faces and these kids are pissing/shitting their oversized pants right now, which I’m pretty sure are shaped like that for a reason. Now I don’t know what has them so scared, but whatever it is, it causes all of the above insanity to happen and probably occurs off stage which leads me to believe that this is all a deliberate ploy by the director to make this as hilarious as possible. That one kid who runs off screen earlier isn’t overzealous in his participation; he’s trying to escape, and sees that momentary confusion as his best chance. Some seek protection from the dog mascot as there’s always two or three or group around and try to touch him. I tip my hat to the actor inside that suit who manages to keep dancing without knocking any of them over.
Sadly, I couldn’t find the proper clip anymore, but there’s one I stumbled upon earlier that featured a girl who actually seemed to know all the moves in the proper order. She’s like the Sasquatch of the show in that it’s almost impossible to believe she exists and you’ll just have to take a third party’s word for it. However, she started performing all of the moves a solid five seconds before she’s supposed to. You may say she’s just over-eager, but I like to think that she simply understands better than anybody what makes this segment so great and so special in the first place: nothing happens as it’s supposed to. So sure she could do everything perfectly, but that would just ruin it. By just doing the right move five seconds early, she makes the whole show just that much more amazing. I also now realize that the older girl and the dog aren’t there for the benefit of the children, but for us so we know what the dance is supposed to look like and can thus fully appreciate the hilarity of the failure that surrounds them.
In closing, I apologize for getting this song stuck in your head.
Bonus points to anyone who can find the girl that knows what she’s doing.
Producer 1: Well that was a total disaster and embarrassing for everyone involved. I guess we’ll need to replace it with something new. Any suggestions?
Producer 2: Tentacle rape.
Producer 1: Why does it always come back to tentacle rape with you? Why do you insist on playing into that ridiculous and offensive stereotype?
Producer 2: Are you telling me you don’t like watching giant squid molest nubile teens?
Producer 1: Goddammit man! This is a kid’s show!
Producer 2: All the more reason to go with it.
Producer 1: Screw it! We’ll stick with the dancing! Anything to make this conversation end!
This conversation also probably explains most Japanese television. Below are some more examples of the segment (including the original) as well as a more in-depth analysis on what is going on.
So the first thing I can’t help but notice is that in spite of the hosts’ enthusiasm, a solid half of the kids will be standing still at any given time. Sometimes they’ll make a feeble attempt at flailing their arms, but mostly they just look helplessly around for some sort of guidance. With both the dog and the older girl showing them how to do the dance, they can’t be possibly be looking for instructions on what to do, so I can only assume that they’re wondering how the hell they got to where they are. When the time comes for everybody to fall and roll around on the ground, again only about half will actually do it and of that half only half will stand back up again. In case you weren’t already convinced that this is a disorganized mess, one of the later moves is to run around literally wherever you want and they still manage to fail at it. At least one will always run off stage, a solid quarter will remain motionless, and half of the half that didn’t fall down earlier will do so now. On occasion, the cameraman will spot a child who actually appears to be doing the action they’re supposed to and will zoom in on them. Always and without fail, that child will stop doing anything right at that moment with a peculiar look on their face. You might call it confusion, and you’d be right, but there’s something more going on there: sheer terror. Trust me when I say I’ve become an expert at reading terror in children’s faces and these kids are pissing/shitting their oversized pants right now, which I’m pretty sure are shaped like that for a reason. Now I don’t know what has them so scared, but whatever it is, it causes all of the above insanity to happen and probably occurs off stage which leads me to believe that this is all a deliberate ploy by the director to make this as hilarious as possible. That one kid who runs off screen earlier isn’t overzealous in his participation; he’s trying to escape, and sees that momentary confusion as his best chance. Some seek protection from the dog mascot as there’s always two or three or group around and try to touch him. I tip my hat to the actor inside that suit who manages to keep dancing without knocking any of them over.
Sadly, I couldn’t find the proper clip anymore, but there’s one I stumbled upon earlier that featured a girl who actually seemed to know all the moves in the proper order. She’s like the Sasquatch of the show in that it’s almost impossible to believe she exists and you’ll just have to take a third party’s word for it. However, she started performing all of the moves a solid five seconds before she’s supposed to. You may say she’s just over-eager, but I like to think that she simply understands better than anybody what makes this segment so great and so special in the first place: nothing happens as it’s supposed to. So sure she could do everything perfectly, but that would just ruin it. By just doing the right move five seconds early, she makes the whole show just that much more amazing. I also now realize that the older girl and the dog aren’t there for the benefit of the children, but for us so we know what the dance is supposed to look like and can thus fully appreciate the hilarity of the failure that surrounds them.
In closing, I apologize for getting this song stuck in your head.
Bonus points to anyone who can find the girl that knows what she’s doing.
Friday, December 16, 2011
Fictional Male Role Models
School is fianlly done for the semester, so I figure it’s high time I catch up on my blog which I haven’t really been consistently updating over the past few months. To make it up to you (since I know how much you all love reading this, all 18 of you) I’m going to be doing a blog post a day between now and the end of the year. We’ll get the ball rolling with my top fictional male role models (and by “role model” I don’t mean people who should be emulated, but characters who I feel have somehow shaped the way we perceive masculinity today) going in order from oldest to most recent.
Hector
First seen in: The Iliad (epic)
Although The Iliad is ostensibly about Achilles and the Greek army besieging Troy, it is Hector, leader of the Trojan forces who, despite being on the enemy side, managed to get himself named as one of the Nine Worthies by Jacques de Longuyon. He is a fearsome warrior, a loving father and husband, and a virtuous man. In many ways he is the noblest of all the characters and becomes the hero of the story. Whereas most Greek heroes from Hercules on down to Odysseus are little more than arrogant, violent brutes, Hector exhibits a softer side in addition to his battlefield prowess, especially in his relationship to his son whom he lifts into the air and whispers his hopes and dreams into his ear. He has the courage of a legendary hero, the virtue of a chivalrous knight, and the love a man.
King Arthur
First seen in: Various Welsh and Breton poems and tales
One of the most enduring perceptions of what a man should be is a knight in shining armour despite the fact that the Middle Ages ended centuries ago. Since Don Quixote this stereotype has been deconstructed time and again, yet many men still see it as their duty to be “protectors of the realm” serving a code of chivalry and nobility that may never have existed outside of popular imagination. King Arthur and his knights perfectly embody this moral code with their holy quests, feats of valour, honourable bearing, and of course their saving of damsels in distress. It is interesting to note that these damsels often prove to be the downfall of the men (Tristan and Isolde, the Arthur-Lacelot-Guinevere love triangle). In hindsight it does all seem a tad ridiculous, but there is still something gripping about it, to strive to be the best one can be and to help those in need. It may be fanciful, but there are far less noble goals a man can set himself.
Don Juan
First seen in: The Trickster of Seville and the Stone Guest (play)
Don Juan is the ultimate playboy. All he cares about is getting pretty girls into bed regardless of marital or social status with absolutely no concern for the consequences. He is a dick in more ways than one, yet despite this (or more likely because of it) he has become the symbol of what many men strive to be in their sex lives. He’s not particularly nice, he’s certainly not cut out to be a family man, and the only reason why he’d help you is if he might somehow get laid out of it, but boy is he sure a ladykiller. This of course plays into the double standard where it’s accepted and even applauded when men sleep around, but a capital crime for a woman to do the same. I think this perception of sexuality is ssslllooowwwlllyyy fading away, and maybe one day instead of calling Don Juan a playa, we’ll call him what he truly his: a gigantic whore.
Conan the Barbarian
First seen in: Weird Tales (magazine)
Conan is absurdly hyper-masculine to an almost incomprehensible degree. His muscles are massive, he doesn’t believe in shirts nevermind armour, and as his name suggests, his number one problem solving method is to beat things into a bloody pulp. His outlook on life can be aptly summarized by this quote from the movie: The greatest pleasures in life are “to crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women.” Not exactly politically correct, but the notion of male aggressiveness that Conan espouses remains pervasive even today. Many men really want to be this uber-man defined by violence against both men and women to assert their dominance. You can see it in bodybuilders, MMA fighters, and pretty much anyone who self-identifies as a “gangsta.” My favourite part about Conan has to be that because so much focus is put on the male body, it comes around full circle and becomes homoerotic. You probably shouldn’t say that The Situation however.
Bugs Bunny
First seen in: A Wild Hare (animated short)
Whereas most characters on this list tend to rely on raw physical strength or sexual power to assert their maleness, Bugs Bunny depends almost entirely on his wits and trickery. His aggressors will use guns or brute strength in their pursuit of his demise, but Bugs foils them time and again by toying with their feeble minds. He proves that brains trump brawn while providing an alternative to what it takes to be a man that goes beyond the physical, and will influence all future representations of manhood. Bugs is also something of a transgender icon as one of his favourite tactics is to dress up as a woman. I find it odd that it takes a cartoon rabbit to show that without developing the mind, a man is no better than an animal.
James Bond
First seen in: Casino Royale (novel)
At first glance, 007 may appear to be little more than a womanizer in the same vein of Don Juan, but unlike his predecessor, sex is not the be all and end all of the famous spy. Sure he’s suave and debonair, but he also has an aggressive side and the vast majority of his problems are solved by coolly taking out whoever stands in his way. The two sides temper one another and are balanced by his intellect where he uses a variety of gadgets and deceptions to uncover conspiracies and protect British interests. Essentially, he’s what comes to your mind when you think of a man’s man. Women want him and men want to be him. The Dos Equis Most Interesting Man in the World is an updated version of Bond with the only real difference between them being a majestic beard, but Bond is still the more influential and culturally enduring what with the countless books, video games, and movies that glorify his name.
Atticus Finch
First seen in: To Kill a Mockingbird (novel)
This is about the only character on this list who is non-violent and non-sexual, but has still come to be seen as symbol for what a man should be. He is honourable, gentle, a great father, and sticks to his code of ethics even as the whole town turns against him. Too many he is considered one of the greatest heroes in literature and film because he presents a new template of what it takes to be a man based on humanitarian principles such as truth, justice, and integrity rather than purely masculine ideals. He always tries to do what is right and he does so without breaking any bones. He’s the portrait of the better man we all wish we could be, but often fail to live up to.
Indiana Jones
First seen in: Raiders of the Lost Ark (movie)
The thing I love about Indiana Jones is that he relies just as much on his wits as he does his whip to see him through to the end. He’s rough and tumble, but he’s also an educated archaeologist who’s just as adept at solving puzzles as he is at throwing punches. I’m not gonna lie, he was pretty much my idol when I was growing up. I wanted to be just as cool as he was which meant being smart as well as being strong. I only succeeded in one of those areas, so I don’t think I’ll be going off on any zany, dangerous adventures any time soon. Nevertheless, he’s the best and most iconic representation of your typical outdoorsman with a sweet hat, just the right amount of stubble, and the know-how and skill to survive whatever life throws your way. Also of awesomeness: snappy one-liners. You can never underestimate the importance of those.
Jesse Custer
First seen in: Preacher (graphic novel)
You’ve heard me rave about Preacher before, but it cannot be understated how awesome everything about it is, and the titular character is no exception to this rule. He’s got the toughness of Indiana Jones, though he’s not all that bright. He makes up for this with his unwavering sense of justice that no being is exempt from including himself. In many ways, he’s the modern knight who fights for the love of a woman, has a strict code of ethics, and also carries a certain charm around with him even has he’s bashing a chair over someone’s head in a bar brawl. A large part of what makes him who he is, is that he recognizes his own faults, past mistakes, and his own outdated look on gender that causes him to keep Tulip out of harm’s way even though she proves over and over again that she can hold her own. What’s more, he tries to atone for them which is a helluva lot more than most on this list can say.
Don Draper
First seen in: Mad Men (TV show)
Don is by no means a good man, nor is he particularly attentive to his family, yet he has still become an icon for maleness. He’s a snappy dresser, clever and creative, forward-thinking and daring, and has a mysterious element to him. All of this is well and good, and it’s easy to see why we might find these qualities attractive, but the key to Don is his relationship with women and it is from this source that all of these other qualities flow and why we find him so enigmatic. He is defined by his ability (or inability) to connect to women on an emotional or sexual level and this forms the core of his being. His talent for always knowing the right thing to say in a pitch meeting is tied to his talent for always knowing what to say to a woman whether he’s seducing, mentoring, or manipulating her. Despite his mastery of language, words often form a barrier between him and other people, disabling the formation of any meaningful bonds. For this reason he can find temporary pleasure in the arms of any woman he wants, but any lasting happiness is forever beyond his reach. I think this all makes him perhaps the most apt male sex symbol for the modern age.
Honourable Mention: Eddard Stark from Game of Thrones
Bonus points to whoever comments on their favourite fictional female role model.
Hector
First seen in: The Iliad (epic)
Although The Iliad is ostensibly about Achilles and the Greek army besieging Troy, it is Hector, leader of the Trojan forces who, despite being on the enemy side, managed to get himself named as one of the Nine Worthies by Jacques de Longuyon. He is a fearsome warrior, a loving father and husband, and a virtuous man. In many ways he is the noblest of all the characters and becomes the hero of the story. Whereas most Greek heroes from Hercules on down to Odysseus are little more than arrogant, violent brutes, Hector exhibits a softer side in addition to his battlefield prowess, especially in his relationship to his son whom he lifts into the air and whispers his hopes and dreams into his ear. He has the courage of a legendary hero, the virtue of a chivalrous knight, and the love a man.
King Arthur
First seen in: Various Welsh and Breton poems and tales
One of the most enduring perceptions of what a man should be is a knight in shining armour despite the fact that the Middle Ages ended centuries ago. Since Don Quixote this stereotype has been deconstructed time and again, yet many men still see it as their duty to be “protectors of the realm” serving a code of chivalry and nobility that may never have existed outside of popular imagination. King Arthur and his knights perfectly embody this moral code with their holy quests, feats of valour, honourable bearing, and of course their saving of damsels in distress. It is interesting to note that these damsels often prove to be the downfall of the men (Tristan and Isolde, the Arthur-Lacelot-Guinevere love triangle). In hindsight it does all seem a tad ridiculous, but there is still something gripping about it, to strive to be the best one can be and to help those in need. It may be fanciful, but there are far less noble goals a man can set himself.
Don Juan
First seen in: The Trickster of Seville and the Stone Guest (play)
Don Juan is the ultimate playboy. All he cares about is getting pretty girls into bed regardless of marital or social status with absolutely no concern for the consequences. He is a dick in more ways than one, yet despite this (or more likely because of it) he has become the symbol of what many men strive to be in their sex lives. He’s not particularly nice, he’s certainly not cut out to be a family man, and the only reason why he’d help you is if he might somehow get laid out of it, but boy is he sure a ladykiller. This of course plays into the double standard where it’s accepted and even applauded when men sleep around, but a capital crime for a woman to do the same. I think this perception of sexuality is ssslllooowwwlllyyy fading away, and maybe one day instead of calling Don Juan a playa, we’ll call him what he truly his: a gigantic whore.
Conan the Barbarian
First seen in: Weird Tales (magazine)
Conan is absurdly hyper-masculine to an almost incomprehensible degree. His muscles are massive, he doesn’t believe in shirts nevermind armour, and as his name suggests, his number one problem solving method is to beat things into a bloody pulp. His outlook on life can be aptly summarized by this quote from the movie: The greatest pleasures in life are “to crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women.” Not exactly politically correct, but the notion of male aggressiveness that Conan espouses remains pervasive even today. Many men really want to be this uber-man defined by violence against both men and women to assert their dominance. You can see it in bodybuilders, MMA fighters, and pretty much anyone who self-identifies as a “gangsta.” My favourite part about Conan has to be that because so much focus is put on the male body, it comes around full circle and becomes homoerotic. You probably shouldn’t say that The Situation however.
Bugs Bunny
First seen in: A Wild Hare (animated short)
Whereas most characters on this list tend to rely on raw physical strength or sexual power to assert their maleness, Bugs Bunny depends almost entirely on his wits and trickery. His aggressors will use guns or brute strength in their pursuit of his demise, but Bugs foils them time and again by toying with their feeble minds. He proves that brains trump brawn while providing an alternative to what it takes to be a man that goes beyond the physical, and will influence all future representations of manhood. Bugs is also something of a transgender icon as one of his favourite tactics is to dress up as a woman. I find it odd that it takes a cartoon rabbit to show that without developing the mind, a man is no better than an animal.
James Bond
First seen in: Casino Royale (novel)
At first glance, 007 may appear to be little more than a womanizer in the same vein of Don Juan, but unlike his predecessor, sex is not the be all and end all of the famous spy. Sure he’s suave and debonair, but he also has an aggressive side and the vast majority of his problems are solved by coolly taking out whoever stands in his way. The two sides temper one another and are balanced by his intellect where he uses a variety of gadgets and deceptions to uncover conspiracies and protect British interests. Essentially, he’s what comes to your mind when you think of a man’s man. Women want him and men want to be him. The Dos Equis Most Interesting Man in the World is an updated version of Bond with the only real difference between them being a majestic beard, but Bond is still the more influential and culturally enduring what with the countless books, video games, and movies that glorify his name.
Atticus Finch
First seen in: To Kill a Mockingbird (novel)
This is about the only character on this list who is non-violent and non-sexual, but has still come to be seen as symbol for what a man should be. He is honourable, gentle, a great father, and sticks to his code of ethics even as the whole town turns against him. Too many he is considered one of the greatest heroes in literature and film because he presents a new template of what it takes to be a man based on humanitarian principles such as truth, justice, and integrity rather than purely masculine ideals. He always tries to do what is right and he does so without breaking any bones. He’s the portrait of the better man we all wish we could be, but often fail to live up to.
Indiana Jones
First seen in: Raiders of the Lost Ark (movie)
The thing I love about Indiana Jones is that he relies just as much on his wits as he does his whip to see him through to the end. He’s rough and tumble, but he’s also an educated archaeologist who’s just as adept at solving puzzles as he is at throwing punches. I’m not gonna lie, he was pretty much my idol when I was growing up. I wanted to be just as cool as he was which meant being smart as well as being strong. I only succeeded in one of those areas, so I don’t think I’ll be going off on any zany, dangerous adventures any time soon. Nevertheless, he’s the best and most iconic representation of your typical outdoorsman with a sweet hat, just the right amount of stubble, and the know-how and skill to survive whatever life throws your way. Also of awesomeness: snappy one-liners. You can never underestimate the importance of those.
Jesse Custer
First seen in: Preacher (graphic novel)
You’ve heard me rave about Preacher before, but it cannot be understated how awesome everything about it is, and the titular character is no exception to this rule. He’s got the toughness of Indiana Jones, though he’s not all that bright. He makes up for this with his unwavering sense of justice that no being is exempt from including himself. In many ways, he’s the modern knight who fights for the love of a woman, has a strict code of ethics, and also carries a certain charm around with him even has he’s bashing a chair over someone’s head in a bar brawl. A large part of what makes him who he is, is that he recognizes his own faults, past mistakes, and his own outdated look on gender that causes him to keep Tulip out of harm’s way even though she proves over and over again that she can hold her own. What’s more, he tries to atone for them which is a helluva lot more than most on this list can say.
Don Draper
First seen in: Mad Men (TV show)
Don is by no means a good man, nor is he particularly attentive to his family, yet he has still become an icon for maleness. He’s a snappy dresser, clever and creative, forward-thinking and daring, and has a mysterious element to him. All of this is well and good, and it’s easy to see why we might find these qualities attractive, but the key to Don is his relationship with women and it is from this source that all of these other qualities flow and why we find him so enigmatic. He is defined by his ability (or inability) to connect to women on an emotional or sexual level and this forms the core of his being. His talent for always knowing the right thing to say in a pitch meeting is tied to his talent for always knowing what to say to a woman whether he’s seducing, mentoring, or manipulating her. Despite his mastery of language, words often form a barrier between him and other people, disabling the formation of any meaningful bonds. For this reason he can find temporary pleasure in the arms of any woman he wants, but any lasting happiness is forever beyond his reach. I think this all makes him perhaps the most apt male sex symbol for the modern age.
Honourable Mention: Eddard Stark from Game of Thrones
Bonus points to whoever comments on their favourite fictional female role model.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Mexican Chicken Hof
It’s been months since I went to that crazy restaurant, and I probably should have done this post much earlier, but even so it feels like only yesterday that I sat down to the strangest meal I’ve ever had in my life. I realize now that I will never forget about the dining experience that was Mexican Chicken Hof.
The place was recommended to us by a friend who described it as a Korean BBQ. So you can imagine my surprise when we got there and saw the sign proudly declaring it to be a Mexican restaurant. Also, it featured a cartoon chicken gleefully asking us to eat him. Already, before walking through the door, I could tell that this was going to be… special. Once inside, I was overwhelmed by the inconsistency of the décor. It looked like a flea market crossed with my grandpa’s basement and a museum of modern art that was also somehow a restaurant. There were bizarre paintings, tacky souvenirs, half-dead plants, and all manner of odds and ends. In a way, these furnishing suited the restaurant perfectly for the randomness seen all around would be reflected in the food they served.
After being seated, a colourful array of plastic cups was doled out to everybody before pitchers of water were passed around. And by “pitchers” I of course mean various Tupperware containers that might be used to hold cereal, of which no two were alike. This was soon followed by the appetizer: baskets of popcorn. Not any special kind of Korean or Mexican popcorn, but just regular popcorn that you get from a bag. I have nothing against popcorn, and indeed their popcorn tasted fine, but I couldn’t help but feel that none of this made any goddamn sense and I felt strangely uneasy while eating it. Next came the chicken which despite their differences in size and appearance, really only seemed to have two different varieties: deep-fried or spicy red sauce. The deep-fried one also came with honey-mustard sauce that kinda looked like mango pudding. This would be the most coherent part of the whole experience. The next course was corn covered in melted cheese which up until this point I never really thought of as a dish. In fact I still don’t. That being said, it tasted exactly like corn covered in cheese so I guess in that respect it was a success. Once that was all gone, they gave us some chili cheese fries. At this point I realized that we were in neither a Korean BBQ nor a Mexican Chicken Hof, but a restaurant epitomizing the Korean conception of a Mexican restaurant. This would be the closest I’d come to understanding the logic of the place, and even this loose comprehension was complicated by dessert which was of course sliced watermelon. Wait, fried chicken and watermelon? Is this the result of a Korean’s somewhat racist attempt to appeal to black people? If so, then why did they choose to set up shop in Burnaby? At this point I decided there probably wasn’t an answer to any of these questions and just accepted the place for what it was: crazy.
In closing, I left the place full, and relatively content with the quality and price of the food. I suppose if you were to take each individual element of Mexcian Chicken Hof and look at it by itself, then it seems reasonable enough, but when you put it all together you get one giant barrel of I-don’t-know-what-the-fuck.
Bonus points to whoever comments on their own bizarre dining experience.
The place was recommended to us by a friend who described it as a Korean BBQ. So you can imagine my surprise when we got there and saw the sign proudly declaring it to be a Mexican restaurant. Also, it featured a cartoon chicken gleefully asking us to eat him. Already, before walking through the door, I could tell that this was going to be… special. Once inside, I was overwhelmed by the inconsistency of the décor. It looked like a flea market crossed with my grandpa’s basement and a museum of modern art that was also somehow a restaurant. There were bizarre paintings, tacky souvenirs, half-dead plants, and all manner of odds and ends. In a way, these furnishing suited the restaurant perfectly for the randomness seen all around would be reflected in the food they served.
After being seated, a colourful array of plastic cups was doled out to everybody before pitchers of water were passed around. And by “pitchers” I of course mean various Tupperware containers that might be used to hold cereal, of which no two were alike. This was soon followed by the appetizer: baskets of popcorn. Not any special kind of Korean or Mexican popcorn, but just regular popcorn that you get from a bag. I have nothing against popcorn, and indeed their popcorn tasted fine, but I couldn’t help but feel that none of this made any goddamn sense and I felt strangely uneasy while eating it. Next came the chicken which despite their differences in size and appearance, really only seemed to have two different varieties: deep-fried or spicy red sauce. The deep-fried one also came with honey-mustard sauce that kinda looked like mango pudding. This would be the most coherent part of the whole experience. The next course was corn covered in melted cheese which up until this point I never really thought of as a dish. In fact I still don’t. That being said, it tasted exactly like corn covered in cheese so I guess in that respect it was a success. Once that was all gone, they gave us some chili cheese fries. At this point I realized that we were in neither a Korean BBQ nor a Mexican Chicken Hof, but a restaurant epitomizing the Korean conception of a Mexican restaurant. This would be the closest I’d come to understanding the logic of the place, and even this loose comprehension was complicated by dessert which was of course sliced watermelon. Wait, fried chicken and watermelon? Is this the result of a Korean’s somewhat racist attempt to appeal to black people? If so, then why did they choose to set up shop in Burnaby? At this point I decided there probably wasn’t an answer to any of these questions and just accepted the place for what it was: crazy.
In closing, I left the place full, and relatively content with the quality and price of the food. I suppose if you were to take each individual element of Mexcian Chicken Hof and look at it by itself, then it seems reasonable enough, but when you put it all together you get one giant barrel of I-don’t-know-what-the-fuck.
Bonus points to whoever comments on their own bizarre dining experience.
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