Rules I Live By

This post could just of easily been called, "Bizarre and Irrational Habits that I Have," but I prefer to think of myself as infallible. Which may also be a bizarre and irrational habit that I have. Well, without further ado, I present the list.

1. Always wear socks
As some people have noticed, I virtually never go barefoot. I always wear socks no matter what. The only two exceptions are when I'm swimming, and when I'm going to bed. If somebody were to steal all the socks in my house, I'd probably have a nervous breakdown. It's not that I have webbed toes or are am ashamed of my feet or anything. It's just that I distrust the cleanliness of the ground. Who knows what's down there. There could be any number of bodily fluids, icky bugs, pieces of glass, rusty nails, etc., and I don't want any of those things coming into contact with my precious skin. Oddly enough, I really don't care if my socks have holes in them, no matter how gaping they are, which pretty much makes wearing them redundant. In fact, the more I think about it, the more absurd this core belief of mine seems. But it's gotten me this far in life without killing me, so I see no reason to stop.

Me at the beach.

2. Never drink coffee
I've come to the conclusion that coffee is bad for you based on virtually no scientific evidence. People always say how they can't live without the buzz from their morning cup of coffee, yet I've been doing just fine without it, and I bet they did just fine before they started drinking it. I think it's become an addiction for many people and now they're just making excuses. Coffee is the cigarette of the modern era. Everybody does it without questioning it or wondering if maybe all that caffeine has any negative side effects. It's pretty much a drug, and believe it or not, I don't do drugs. I hardly even drink alcohol. Yeah, I am pretty fucked up like that. Also, coffee tastes like shit.

Could you live in a world without coffee?

3. Always have a #2 pencil on hand
This one I don't strictly adhere too, but I do have an undying love for pencils. I prefer the classic orange HB #2 pencils, but one of those fancy push pencils will do in a pinch. I like the convenience of being able to erase mistakes, whereas with pens you either have to use white-out and wait for it to dry, or just scratch out your mistake which makes your writing look like crap. Also, you don't have to worry about it running out of ink. If it gets a bit dull, you just give it a few twists in the sharpener and then you're back to maximum efficiency. I think pencils are the most underrated tool that mankind has ever invented, and it's high time we give it the recognition it deserves. Though I do have one question. Has anybody ever seen or used a #1 pencil?

From my cold, dead hands!

4. Set aside time every day for contemplation
This is a nice way of saying I daydream a lot, and value that time I spend each day in deep thought. It can happen at any time, normally on the bus, or before I go to bed, or when I am bored in class, and sometimes at home when nothing in particular is happening. There can be any number of things running through my mind from how I'm going to survive a zombie apocalypse to what I'm going to write for my next blog post. Sometimes my propensity for daydreaming exhibits itself in weird and very public ways. Often I'll start talking aloud to myself, or I'll pace back and forth which I believe is a habit I picked up from my papa (grandpa, not dad for those frenchies out there) since I've noticed he tends to do the same thing. In addition, I've noticed that he'll read aloud signs he passes on the road for no particular reason at all, a habit which I also seem to have acquired. Does this all make me insane? I'd rather not think about the answer to that question.

Like this except with more crazy and less nudity as I'd be wearing socks.

5. There's nothing wrong with procrastination
Believe it or not, I used to be very dedicated to my school work. I'd spend hours doing research, solving problems, and checking my answers. But at some point around grade 7 or 8, I discovered that I could put in the bare minimum effort and still get between 80 and 95% on my work. This was, for better or for worse (probably worse), a life changing epiphany for me. Now instead of coming own and plopping myself down to work on that writing assignment or math problems, I just sit at the computer playing video games, or in front of the TV watching Netflix. I figure that i can just write that term paper the night before and still pull off an A-. If I actually applied myself I could probably be an A+ student and have a lot more money than I currently do. But that sounds like it would take a lot of effort. So I'd rather not.

I would have come up with my own pithy slogan, but I didn't feel like it.

6. Let the ladies come to me

When it comes to relationships, my attitude is if a girl is interested in me, then let her come ask me out. Why should the guys always have to do that job? I'm pleased to say that my methods have met with a 100% success rate in that I've never had a girlfriend. I like to think that it's because of my abrasive and offensive personality. For some strange reason that thought gives me comfort. Maybe it's because it makes me feel as though I didn't have to compromise my values or personality for the sake of pleasing a woman. Or maybe because it prevents me from coming to the conclusion that I'm a coward for not asking anybody out. Whichever it is, I'm just glad I don't have to waste any money on a girlfriend.

Natascha is the only woman I need! Now give me a minute while I sob in a corner.

Bonus points to whoever can give me one of their own crazy habits so I don't feel like such a weirdo.

The 6 Most Amazing yet Pointless Videos

You can find plenty of bizarre, disturbing, and absolutely useless stuff on Youtube (especially if you read the comments), but very few videos can actually be described as art. What follows is a list of some videos that I believe straddles the line between the two. Are they brilliant masterpieces, or pointless distractions who's only value is in how long they can keep us from doing work? I'll leave it to you to decide.

Lazy Town vs. Lil' Jon
I don't know how many times I've seen this video and I still find it hilarious. It's terrifying how well these two songs mash together despite their vast difference in content. You also have to consider how small the overlap must be between fans of Lazy Town and fans of Lil' Jon. In fact, I'd say the overlap consists solely of the twisted mind who produced this video. It get creepier when you notice the strong sexual undertones of the Lil' Jon lyrics contrasted with images of an innocent young girl dancing around and spraying fluid all over the kitchen. When watching this, it's hard not to feel a little bit dirty. It should come as no surprise that a solid 90% of the comments on this mash-up involve pedophilia. Yet I still find it quite funny, well put together, and pretty creative. Is it clever? Perverted? Somehow both? Is this making you uncomfortable? Then my job is done.

While My Guitar Gently Weeps on the Ukulele
One morning, Jake Shimabukuro woke up and decided that he would become god of a particular instrument. He settled on the ukulele which falls somewhere between conch shell and accordion on the scale of respectable instruments. I suppose he can be forgiven since he is from Hawaii where the uke is what bagpipes are to Scotland. But I just can't get over that he's playing one of the greatest renditions I've ever heard, of one of the greatest Beatles' songs on the ukulele with a skill that he must have sold his soul to the devil to acquire. I'm sure Satan was laughing all the way to the soul bank with that one. No matter how good you get at playing the ukulele, you're never going to reach the same level of fame, fortune, or non-stop sex that even a half-decent guitarist in a semi-popular rock band will get. Am I saying that Jake wasted his talent? Well if he's happy then who am I to judge? Snake-Eyes Damascus, that's who. Jake, you are simultaneously awesome and ridiculous.

TF2 Mass AI
I can't even begin to imagine how many hours it took to put this all together. EvilDaedalus had to Set everything up, make sure everything is in the right spot and does what it's supposed to do at the right time, edit all of the footage, and then synch it to the music, all of it done in his spare time while playing a video game for no purpose other than to look cool. Am I the only one who thinks that the making of this video was a colossal waste of time, effort, and skill? I suppose there are a lot of machinima people out there who'd flame me for the previous question, and they may be justified. Certainly there is some sort of beauty to this video, but then you realize it's a guy goofing around in a game engine making bots kill each other or dance around in silly ways. Oscar Wilde once said that all art is useless, but did he have something like this in mind? Probably not, seeing as how computers, video games, and the internet didn't exist when he was alive.

Slap Chop Scout and Kaboom Heavy
I included these two together since they both take dialogue from TF2 and insert it into infomercials to comical effect. The first thing you'll notice is just how well the voices of the Scout and the Heavy match the bodies of Vince Offer and Billy Mays respectively. Secondly you'll notice how well the dialogue, from a video game without a plot or much in the way of character development mind you, matches up with the actions in the videos. And lastly you'll notice how retarded it all is. Clearly a lot of effort went into making these videos as they had to find the appropriate dialogue, and then edit it into the video to make it seem natural. But after having watched these videos many times over, I can't figure why somebody would go to all that effort. It's the same thing with all the autotune remixes of any video that becomes remotely popular. Why do people do it? Do you see a point to any of this? The more I see of the internet, the less I understand it.

Matrix Ping Pong
Some of you probably remember this one. It was popular for a while, and I have to say that it is interesting to watch. The way it all flows together seamlessly and creatively is certainly impressive, but when it comes down to it, it's a glorified puppet show of two guys playing ping pong. It's so out there, that you know it has to come from Japan. At least it doesn't involve tentacles, though that is the next logical step. The whole thing looks awesome, and requires a high amount of coordination, but like anything else on the internet, it doesn't seem to amount to much more than a novelty to distract me for a few minutes. Am I being to harsh on these guys? They seem pretty proud of what they accomplished, whatever that may be. Then again, Johnny Knoxville seems pretty proud of what he's accomplished on Jackass, so maybe that shouldn't be how we judge what constitutes art.

Ryan vs Dorkman
This video is absolutely astounding. There's a good sense of humour, the sound and special effects are spot on, and the choreography is mindblowing. And it stars two uber-nerds trying to be action heroes in a warehouse. I suppose if you don't consider Star Wars to be art then you certainly won't consider this to be art either, but there is a graceful elegance to this video. I can't believe I just used "graceful elegance" to describe an amateur lightsaber duel, but there you have it. Is this truly a great example of human artistic achievement or is it just geek masturbation fodder? Is that a false dilemma? You bet your ass it is. Do you know what a false dilemma is? Well you'd better, because I'm not explaining it to you.

Bonus points to whoever can convince me that one of these videos is either art or tripe.

Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus

Let me start off by saying that this movie is without a doubt, bad. It's so bad that I couldn't watch it all in one sitting as it was too painful. I watched the first half one night, and the other half two nights later. This movie sucks super hard. The acting is offensive, and the terrible writing and characters don't help. The special effects are ugly to say the least, and it was clear that they didn't have much of a budget based on the quality of the animations and how frequently they reuse the same ones over and over again. The story is completely non-sensical, and riddled with plot holes and logical gaps. As far as I can tell, there isn't even really a climax. This movie tries to be campy, but it even fails at that. There are the occasional laughs peppered throughout this shoddy attempt at filmmaking, but overall it's just bad. Now let's get into the nitty-gritty of just how bad it is.

The film opens with two marine-biologists in a really shitty submarine set looking for whales off the coast of Alaska while some army guy is in a helicopter above them apparently about to launch some top secret military experiment. The attractive, single, female marine-biologist keeps commenting on how strange it is that there are so many whales in one place. The chopper pilot then drops some gadget into the ocean which emits waves of some sort that somehow releases the titular duo who have been frozen in ice for millions of years (because that's how cryogenics works, right?). The helicopter then explodes for no apparent reason, while Mega Shark and Giant Octopus completely ignore the submarine and each other despite the fact that when they awoke they were locked in a life or death struggle. This all somehow explains the strange behaviour of the whales who I guess had some sixth sense telling them that a piece of human technology was going to release the deadliest sea creatures to ever exist, and this same instinct told them to swim en masse towards this certain doom. This the first of many times that the movie won't make any sense.

The next time happens five minutes later when the scientists arrive in San Francisco. It turns out that took the sub for a joyride from the Californian marine institute that they work at, took it all the way up to Alaska, and then came back without getting caught or reprimanded. By the time they get back, it seems that Mega Shark and Giant Octopus have begun their reign of terror as a whale carcass has washed up on shore. For some reason this event is of intense interest to the government who have agents all over the place despite the fact that everybody dismisses the incident of being of no significance. All of them wear sunglasses. In fact, virtually anybody who works for the military or the government and doesn't have a speaking role, wears sunglasses at all times no matter what. The attractive, single, female scientist sneaks a peek at the whale at night when no guards are around (I suppose they figured the police tape would be enough of a deterrent) and finds a large tooth embedded in the whale's body. She takes the tooth to her Irish friend/mentor and he tells her that it's the tooth of Megalodont, a giant prehistoric shark.

Meanwhile we get our first real look at the incredible CGI in this movie when Mega Shark straight up jumps thousands of feet into the air and catches a passenger jet mid-flight. I think this may very well be the most ridiculous scene ever put to film. It's unbelievably retarded and is made even more stupid by the terrible acting that accompanies it. A guy is sitting on the plane when they hit some turbulence. He gets nervous and an attendant comes by to comfort him. For no reason at all, he tells her that he's getting married tomorrow. She has no idea what to say to that so she just walks away. Then he looks out the window and sees a giant, poorly animated shark jumping out of the water. He shouts, "holy shit!" and then we are treated to a cheesy explosion. At the same time, Giant Octopus tears apart a Japanese oil rig in what can only be called an orgasm of complete nonsense. I can't even begin to describe what happens, because when I think about it I realize that I still don't know what the fuck was going on. There is one lone survivor who I think is supposed to be Japanese, but he might also be Australian. I actually have no idea who he's supposed to be, but that doesn't matter because he only exists to introduce the final main character, a Japanese marine-biologist who is doomed to become the love interest for the attractive, single, female marine-biologist. He asks the man some irrelevant questions, who is being secretly held since apparently nobody is allowed to know about the whole shark/octopus thing even though by this point there have been tons of reported attacks seen by tons of witness. The Japanese man then departs for San Francisco to meet up with Irish mentor and attractive, single, female scientist.

About this time, a video arrives at the home of Irish mentor where they are all staying that was taken from the submarine, and apparently has footage of the awakening of the sea monsters, but all you can see is a black mass, though the characters adamantly claim that you can clearly see them. Then some military guys arrive and arrest them at gunpoint since obviously there is no way they would have come peacefully to work on solving the problem with access to government resources. Now we get to see a string of montages of the scientists mixing Kool-Aid together and shaking their heads in disappointment (cuz that's how science works, right?).

Meanwhile the navy is trying to take out Mega Shark, but little do they know that high-powered guns have no effect on sharks. All you see of the shark is his fin sticking out of the water as it slims closer to the battleship. Except for it never gets closer because they just replay the same shot over and over again, like that scene in Monty Python and the Holy Grail when Sir Lancelot is storming Swamp Castle. The interior of the battleship is just a room that's always bathed in red, has a bunch of random machines and buttons all over the place, and has a steering wheel. They fire their guns a bunch and then somebody reports that Mega Shark is down, because he disappeared from their radar. But then he comes back unexpectedly since radar wasn't designed to keep track of massive sharks twice as large as an airplane. The captain stands there looking like an idiot, doing nothing, and then explosion. It should be noted that this scene is reused later, and is exactly the same in every way except for there's a different captain.

The Japanese scientist and the attractive, single, female scientist decide to have sex since they figured that they must be in love or something, I don't know. After doing the deed in a closet in a military installation without anybody noticing, they realize that pheromones are they key to defeating them. One chemistry montage later, and they have the pheromone that is apparently nuclear waste as it glows green. The plan is to lure the sea beasts into highly populated areas where they can... I don't really know where they planned on going from their. Needless to say, it ends with the Golden Gate Bridge being bitten in half.

Plan B is to use the pheromones to lure Mega Shark and Giant Octopus to each other so they can duke it out and kill each other since obviously it's been bred into their genes to have an irrational hatred for one another. At no point does anybody ask, "Hey, what happens if instead of both of them losing, one of them wins?" So they set out in a dangerous mission in some submarines to bring the two together in the middle of the ocean. A bunch of subs are destroyed and many die in the process, but it's all worth it to see the movie live up to the promise of its title. I'm just kidding, it's the most anti-climactic monster battle in the history of cinema. This movie is one and a half hours long, and Mega Shark doesn't actually fight Giant Octopus until the final fifteen minutes of the film, and when they do all you see is Giant Octopus wrap its tentacles around Mega Shark who squirms for while, escapes, bites one of the tentacles, gets caught again, rinse and repeat. Finally they sink to the bottom of the ocean, locked in death's grasp, and Japanese scientist, and attractive, single, female scientist have a make-out session. The end.

If you still want to see this movie after reading that, then do everything in your power to avoid paying for it. I watched it during my free month of Netflix on the PS3, and even then I still regret it.

Bonus points to whoever can tell me what the filmmakers were thinking when they made this shit that isn't fit to be called a movie.

My Top 101 Movies Part VI: 50-41

50. Sunset Boulevard 1950
Director: Billy Wilder
Starring: William Holden, Gloria Swanson
Synopsis: An aging silent film star attempts to re-create her glory days with the help of a struggling young screenwriter.
Review: Swanson is exquisitely creepy as the delusional and reclusive Norma Desmond who is convinced that her star will rise once more. Her life is as much a wreck as the dilapidated mansion she lives in, but she blinds herself to all of this and becomes a walking parody of fame and fortune. Like Joe Gillis (Holden), we are drawn in to her bizarre world, and though the dangers of remaining in her dreamscape are obvious, we find it impossible to leave through a paradoxical combination of pity and disgust. It's sharply written with many memorable lines, well-acted all around, and deals with interesting issues that Hollywood tends to avoid. Fun fact: Swanson was herself a silent film star who didn't quite make the transition to talkies.

49. The Matrix 1999
Directors: Andy Wachowski, Dana Wachowski
Starring: Keanu Reeves, Laurence Fishburne, Carrie-Anne Moss
Synopsis: A hacker discovers the world in which we live is a computer program and embarks on an epic quest to save humanity.
Review: Although the sequels leave something to be desired, the original film is as good as it has been influential on the action movie genre and popular culture. Reeves may not be the premier actor of our generation, but that's more than made up for by incredibly intense action sequences coupled with graceful choreography, and smart writing dealing with heady concepts that up until this film, was almost entirely absent from action movies. In addition there's great special effects, interesting use of colour (you may notice this film has a distinctly 'green' feel to it), a cool cyberpunk theme, and badass characters (Morpheus and Agent Smith spring to mind). Fun fact: This movie was in part inspired by the Ghost in the Shell movie.

48. Do the Right Thing 1989
Director: Spike Lee
Starring: Spike Lee, Danny Aiello
Synopsis: Tempers flare in a New York City ghetto on the hottest day of the year.
Review: When it was first released, some commentators feared that this film would incite race riots, which of course never happened, because this movie isn't a call to arms, but an honest representation of and commentary on racial tensions after the civil rights movement. Figures such as Martin Luther King Jr. and Malcolm X still loom large, but their philosophies have been boiled down to Love and Hate. There may not be colored fountains anymore, but things are far from equal. Sal may have a pizzeria in a black neighbourhood, catering almost exclusively to black customers, but beneath the surface the seed of racism still grows. It begins as a comedy, but as the plot rolls forward towards the dramatic climax the tension heats up to a breaking point and you know somebody has to pay the price. There are no easy answers provided with this movie, and Spike Lee doesn't fall into the trap of portraying his black characters exclusively as victims, nor the whites as oppressors. It's an incredible and vitally important film that should not be missed. Fun fact: Barack Obama went to see this movie on his first date with his now wife, Michelle.

47. Annie Hall 1977
Director: Woody Allen
Starring: Woody Allen, Diane Keaton
Synopsis: A neurotic New Yorker falls for the captivating titular character.
Review: Most people call this a romantic comedy, but I call it Woody Allen being hilarious. Although Alvie's (Allen) relationship with Annie Hall (Keaton) forms the emotional core of the film and is quite a nice story, the parts that stick out the most are all the clever one liners and off the wall humour. Allen gets quite inventive with this film that features a brilliant cameo by Marshall McLuhan, a conversation with subtitles showing what characters truly mean by what they say, and a brief animated bit. It's a charming and unpredictable film with solid performances from Allen and Keaton. Fun fact: This movie was originally meant to be a murder mystery until the editor convinced Allen to cut out that aspect of the plot and focus on the romantic relationship.

46. The Battle of Algiers 1966
Director: Gillo Pontecorvo
Starring: Brahim Hadjadj, Jean Martin
Synopsis: A terrorist cell and the French army go head to head for control of the city.
Review: A harrowing film if there ever was one, Pontecorvo doesn't water-down his depiction of the brutal conflict, nor does he lend more credence to the cause of one side over the other. Rather, he presents the violence perpetrated by both sides and how it dehumanizes oppressors and oppressed alike. The Algerians bomb soda shops filled with joyful youths and mow down civilians in the street, while the French are relentless and systematic in their methods to quash the rebellion which includes torture. The film has an almost documentary feel to it and records all of these events with a dispassionate eye that further heightens the sense of tension and revulsion. It's a brutally honest depiction of history than rings with more truth than any historical documentary can achieve. Fun fact: Surprise, surprise, the film was banned in France.

45. Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid 1969
Director: George Roy Hill
Starring: Paul Newman, Robert Redford
Synopsis: The infamous outlaws of the Wild West try to make money while outrunning the law. Review: Newman and Redford comprise one of the silver screens greatest pairings in this fun-filled western adventure story. You start off thinking that it's going to be a good old fashioned shoot 'em-up western and it delivers, but also gives you what is essentially a buddy comedy. It's a strange mix, but it works perfectly thanks to Newman and Redford's chemistry. And it's got a great musical number and a kick-ass ending to boot. Fun fact: There is some evidence that suggests that the two outlaws killed in the historical Bolivian shoot-out weren't the titular duo at all and that they made it back to the States.

44. Pan's Labyrinth 2006
Director: Guillermo del Toro
Starring: Ivana Baquero, Sergi Lopez
Synopsis: A young girl gets lost in her own fantasy world in order to escape the sadism of her stepfather.
Review: If nothing else, then this movie is a triumph of imagination. From the basic premise to the fantastic creatures, everything about this film bursts with creativity, and great writing, stunning visuals, and terrific performances (especially that of the young Baquero) are all present to back up the vision. The movie owes a great deal of its success to the way it employs all of these elements to play with polarities, particularly that of reality and fantasy. The real world is one embroiled in war and violence, filled with brutality, but even within this world there is some heart and compassion. Ofelia's fantasy world at first appears to be wondrous and full of beauty, but it is not without it's horrors. By the end the borders between these world's become blurry and the ending leaves much to audience interpretation. It's a magnificent film that simultaneously sets up and breaks down barriers between the real and the unreal, and it looks real purdy. Fun fact: It takes five hours to get into the Pale Man costume (the guy with eyes in his hands).

43. The Sting 1973
Director: George Roy Hill
Starring: Paul Newman, Robert Redford
Synopsis: Two con men attempt to fleece a banker for all he's worth.
Review: I probably should have spaced this and Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid out a bit, but oh well. Once again Newman and Redford pair up with director George Roy Hill to deliver a rollicking good movie with so many twists and turns that will keep you on your toes right to the very end. You never really know who to trust or how much characters actually know, and this air of ambiguity is increased because you never know what the plan is exactly until the final moments of the film. After watching this, it's easy to see where contemporary movies and TV shows like Ocean's 11 took their inspiration. It's a good mix of tension, action, and comedy that make for one of my all time favourite crime films. Fun fact: Robert Redford never saw the movie until 2004.

42. Goodfellas 1990
Director: Martin Scorsese
Starring: Ray Liotta, Joe Pesci, Robert De Niro
Synopsis: A couple of gangsters try to earn themselves wealth and power in the mafia.
Review: One of the all-time great gangster flicks which at first glance seems to glorify a life of crime, but upon closer inspection is actually an ironic look at the absurdity of it all. Henry Hill (Liotta) begins by saying that he always wanted to be a gangster, despite his outside status and, as becomes more apparent as the film progresses, the fact that he is clearly not cut out for this line of work. For most of the film he's a nervous wreck and his friends aren't much better. Tommy (Pesci) is a sadistic bastard even by mafia standards who feels that the only way to prove his manhood is through senseless violence, a belief which he pays dearly for. Jimmy Conway (De Niro) who is idolized by Hill as a great gangster, is revealed later to be insanely paranoid. At the end, shit hits the fan for Hill and everything comes crashing down in an appropriately insane way. He gets out by ratting on his former colleagues and enters the witness protection program, but even then he still glorifies the life of a gangster in his head. Scorsese is a brilliant director who gets strong performances from his all-star cast and crafts a violent, and twisted funny film. Fun fact: The word "fuck" is used 296 times in the film, about half of which are spoken by Pesci.

41. Dirty Harry 1971
Director: Don Siegel
Starring: Clint Eastwood
Synopsis: A cop who refuses to play by the rules tries to hunt down a serial killer.
Review: This movie could have ended barely half an hour in after Harry (Eastwood) gives his famous "Are you feeling lucky?" speech, and it still would have made this list, but it goes on for another hour of heart-pumping, intense action with one of the most badass characters ever put on film. The whole point of this movie is to watch Eastwood run around San Francisco, stopping crime in his own fashion. His methods are at once laudable and reprehensible, and he elicits a rather strange sort of sympathy. He's brutal and condescending, but he does everything necessary to get the job done, despite admonishments from higher-ups who'd prefer a more peaceful approach. Harry's motto essentially boils down to "the ends justify the means" which is a point of view that isn't easy to get behind, but damn if Clint doesn't make it seem attractive. Fun fact: 7 characters die in this movie.

My Top 101 Movies Part V: 60-51

60. The Maltese Falcon 1941
Director: John Huston
Starring: Humphrey Bogart, Mary Astor, Peter Lorre
Synopsis: A private eye finds himself embroiled in a deadly race to acquire a valuable statue.
Review: If you're only going to see one film noir, then this should probably be it since it's the posterboy for the whole genre. It follows the exploits of everybody's favourite private dick, Sam Spade (Bogart) as he weaves and smooth talks his way through the seedy underbelly of the city where everybody's a criminal and nobody can be trusted. Like any good mystery, everything is in a muddle at first, but as the plot unfolds things become clear and people become revealed for who they really are. Spade is only marginally better than the people he's working for and/or against, but he has the benefit of being the only one who sees the situation clearly, and realizes at the end that the whole escapade, with all it's greed, violence, and obsession was just a murky dream. Overall it's a cool film with Bogart in one of his most famous roles and all the trappings you expect from a film noir, and it's fun for the whole family!

59. Taxi Driver 1976
Director: Martin Scorcese
Starring: Robert De Niro
Synopsis: A disillusioned Vietnam veteran turned taxi driver decides to take it upon himself to clear the city of filth and decadence.
Review: This is probably one of the more disturbing films on the list, but it's impossible to turn your eyes away from De Niro's incredible performance as Travis Bickle. He's a lot like my favourite character from Watchmen, Rorschach, as they both share a strong sense of right and wrong, a sense of alienation and frustration with the world around them, and the desire to fix it by whatever means necessary. As the film progresses, Bickle's extreme beliefs, and fundamental misunderstanding of the world and people around him, lead him to take actions which turns him into a sick parody of what he's supposedly fighting against. It's an intense and dark descent into the hell that is the city as Travis percieves it, and it's fun for the whole family!

58. O Brother, Where Art Thou? 2000
Director: Joel Coen
Starring: George Clooney, John Turturro, Tim Blake Nelson
Synopsis: An escaped convict tries to make it home to his wife with the help of some fellow prisoners.
Review: The Odyssey may be one of the foundational texts for Western literature, but this retelling of it is a helluva lot more fun. First off, this movie is in the same ballpark as American Graffiti for having an amazing soundtrack. In fact, you could almost count it as one of the great modern musicals. Secondly, there's not a weak spot in the whole cast. Even the bit characters play their parts to perfection with John Goodman turning in an especially memorable performance as the Cyclops. Thirdly, the three main characters played by Clooney, Turturro, and Nelson are completely lovable and hilarious. Their antics and adventures form the heart and soul of this film, and watching them interact with one another is a real joy. Fourthly, a fun game you can play while watching this movie is Spot the Film References. So far I've found Wizard of Oz, Bonnie and Clyde, and Cool Hand Luke. And Lastly, it's fun for the whole family!

57. Blade Runner 1982
Director: Ridley Scott
Starring: Harrison Ford, Rutger Hauer
Synopsis: A cop is brought of retirement to hunt down some rogue replicants (androids).
Review: I think this movie is a shinning example of how science-fiction can deal with complex issues, have multiple levels levels of meaning, and still be an action-packed adventure set in a fantastical universe that just can't quite be done with conventional fiction. It's a movie about robots that's really all about what it means to be human, and it goes about the question in a very thought-provoking way that doesn't come off seeming overly philosophical or pretentious. Props go to the atmosphere and settings which are as gloomy as they are oppressive, and take on a life of their own to not reflect, but set the tone of the film. Although he isn't given very many lines, Hauer steals the show as the leader of the rogue replicants who delivers one of the best monologues I've ever seen. For some reason, Ford hated this movie, but I say it's fun for the whole family!

56. Some Like it Hot 1959
Director: Billy Wilder
Starring: Tony Curtis, Jack Lemmon, Marilyn Monroe
Synopsis: In order to escape the wrath of the mafia, two male musicians join an all girls band.
Review: As you can probably infer from the synopsis, this movie involves crossdressing, which seems to be a prominent theme in comedy. Unlike Tootsie, this one isn't so much about gender relations as it is about the laughs. AFI called this the greatest comedy of all time, and though I wouldn't go so far as to say that, it is indeed quite hilarious. Joe (Curtis) and Jerry (Lemmon), mostly just stumble their way through their charade and get by on luck alone., which provides a good deal of laughs. But my favourite character is Osgood Fielding III (Joe E. Brown) who plays a wealthy, but stupid man attempting to seduce Jerry. He delivers the immortal final line, "Nobody's perfect," which makes a lot more sense in context, but I am too lazy to explain it to you. It goes without saying, but you can never say it enough, Marilyn Monroe is hot (the way she walks is like Jell-O on sprigs). It's fun for the whole family!

55. Clerks 1994
Director: Kevin Smith
Starring: Brian O'Halloran, Jeff Anderson
Synopsis: A lazy clerk and his equally slacker best friend just try to get by with the bare minimum effort.
Review: This movie is kinda like Seinfeld in that its not about anything and everybody talks about sex all the time, except for they're way more vulgar about it. It's a pretty easy movie to relate to since its essentially just a day in the life of an average joe, albeit its a very shitty day where nothing seems to go right ("I am not even supposed to be working today," is a line that keeps getting funnier as the movie progresses). I find that Kevin Smith movies tend to follow the same formula and deal with the same themes, so if you're only going to watch one then this is definitely it. It has the most laughs, the best style, and also the best story despite the fact that isn't really one. My favourite part is the conversation the two leads have about giving yourself a blowjob. It's fun for the whole family!

54. The Dark Knight 2008
Director: Christopher Nolan
Starring: Christian Bale, Heath Ledger, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Aaron Eckhart
Synopsis: Batman takes on The Joker.
Review: There's a rather large, shall we say, 'mystique' surrounding this movie due in no small part to Heath Ledger's death, which may have caused the perceived greatness of this film to be blown out of proportion, but I still think it's one of best movies of the past decade which solidifies Nolan's place as one of the premier directors of our generation. Despite the fact that it deals with almost the same material, I find it difficult to compare this film to the original. The tone is much darker and more disturbing (surprising, given that Tim Burton directed the first one). I think the differences and similarities are best represented by The Joker, who is the true star of both films. Nicholson's Joker is far more zany and colourful, while Ledger's is more maniacal and bleak right down to the make-up. Ultimately, I find Ledger's portrayal to be more fascinating, because what I think The Joker most represents really comes through in his performance, and that is pure, unadulterated chaos. This is set up in contrast to Batman's dedication to order, but despite being at opposite ends of the spectrum, they find that they need each other and even have some things in common. In short it's a great action movie that's also layered with deep meaning and social commentary, and it's fun for the whole family!

53. Almost Famous 2000
Director: Cameron Crowe
Starring: Billy Crudup, Patrick Fugit, Kate Hudson
Synopsis: An aspiring music journalist follows the trials and tribulations of an up and coming rock band.
Review: With a combination of quality writing, intriguing characters, and a great soundtrack, this movie is a pleasure to watch. Crowe finds a successful balance between drama and comedy, and frequently jumps between the two in the same scene (the climatic airplane scene comes to mind) to make for both a funny and gripping movie. This style reflects the ups and downs of life on the road for a rock band, as well as the ups and downs of growing up. It's partly a coming of age story for William Miller (Fugit), and partly about the spirit of rock 'n' roll as personified by Russell Hammond (Crudup), and those two narratives intertwine seamlessly with Penny Lane (Hudson) forming the emotional center between the two. Overall it's a well-structured and well- paced film with one of my favourite movie quotes, "I am a golden god!" It's fun for the whole family!

52. 2001: A Space Odyssey 1968
Director: Stanley Kubrick
Starring: Keir Dullea, Douglas Rain
Synopsis: A manned space mission is sent to Jupiter to investigate a strange monolith.
Review: You may find this movie difficult to watch at first, and odds are by the end you'll be scratching your head, but give it a chance because I think its worth it. Watch it twice if you have to, like I did to fully appreciate it. What it lacks in action it more than makes up for in meaning and subtext, which may not be everybody's cup of tea, but being a World Lit major, its kinda something I deal with on a daily basis. There's no 'right' interpretation of this film, so don't worry if you might be wrong. Also, this film is one of the most influential works of science-fiction in any medium, and once you see this movie you'll start noticing references and homages to it everywhere, especially references to one of cinema's all time greatest villains, HAL 9000. It's a trippy, mind-bending ride which some people think you need to be high to truly appreciate, but I think the movie stands strong on it's own merits. It's fun for the whole family!

51. The Producers 1968
Director: Mel Brooks
Starring: Zero Mostel, Gene Wilder
Synopsis: A washed-up Broadway producer and an accountant discover that one could make more money from a flop than from a hit play.
Review: Just so you know, this is the earlier non-musical version. I am not going to say which is better, but I will say that one is on this list, and the other is not. The plot itself is pretty zany and the characters match accordingly. All of the actors play their parts with such unbridled and gleeful insanity that its impossible not to love. Not a scene goes by where somebody doesn't flip shit. And the madness keeps building and building until it is finally all released in what I maintain is the greatest musical number in cinematic history, Springtime for Hitler. Honestly, if the entire film were just that one scene, it would probably still make the list. But in addition to this we also get such memorable elements as the crossdressing producer, the ex-Nazi pigeon enthusiast scriptwriter, and Max Bialystock's (Mostel) seduction of little old ladies to milk for money. It's fun for the whole family!

The Playstation Move

So a couple weeks ago, my good friend Taylor purchased the Playstation Move for the PS3. I am not sure why he did this, but I've learned its best not to question the things Taylor does for reasons I'd rather not specify. Anyway, we (Taylor, Zach, Damian, and I) ended up at my house and played several demos that came with hardware. What follows is not only a review of the Move and its games, but also an account of the many shameful acts that occurred that fateful night.

Sports

I can't quite remember the name of the first game we played and was too lazy to do even a cursory scan of the internet to find out, so I am just going to call it Sports. It's exactly what it sounds like, by which I mean its exactly like Wii Sports/Wii Sports Resort except with less sports, and preset racist and/or sexist sterotypes as playable characters instead of player-made bobbleheads. Available sports includes ping pong, swordfighting, archery, bocce ball, disc golf, beach volleyball, and that's it. We started with swordfighting which is probably the most fun and well-designed. Then Damian discovered a move whereby you continuously spank your opponent with the sword and the game was ruined so we moved on. Next up was archery. It took us about 2 minutes to discover that you could shoot each other across the field and spent the remainder of our time trying to get headshots instead of hitting the targets. We then played bocce, but on a shitty map and I wasn't too fond of the controls which were at best random. However, bocce is great for appreciating the great care that was put in to crafting the asses of the female characters. Ping pong was the next sport. Wait that's wrong. No offense to the Chinese, but ping pong isn't a sport. If it is, then so is air hockey. Lastly we played disc golf, which is just like golf but with a frisbee for some reason. I was ridiculously good at this and I have no idea why. I'd just randomly flick my wrist and somehow it would always go exactly where I wanted it. Taylor wouldn't let us play volleyball as according to him, its stupid. So we moved on to the next game.

Tumble

This is a unique and original game where you stack blocks. They come in numerous rectangular shapes which you layer on top of one another until the tower collapses. In a rather surprising twist, whichever player causes the tower to collapse loses the game. I've never quite seen anything like it. It's so creative and thought-provoking and its reverse Jenga okay. It's Jenga with power-ups and some extra types of blocks. But its also probably the best game we played the whole night. After this, things really went to shit.

Time Crisis

Some of you may recognize this game from the arcade halls of yore. It was one of those games that had plastic laser guns you could point and shoot at the screen. In the arcade it was a fairly fun and decent way to waste your quarters, but on the console where you don't have to pay to keep playing when you die, it loses all meaning. All you have to do is press X when you go down and you come right back to life again without losing any progress. There is literally no tension or strategy. You just shoot at everything on the screen until its dead. I wouldn't have even bothered to use my riot shield if you didn't have to bring it up in order to reload. And the enemies are a complete joke. First you start off fighting terrorists who's preferred method of combat is to charge at you with their guns above their heads and then stand there waiting patiently for you to riddle them with bullets. Somehow a few of the enemies gained access to battle mechs with rocket launchers which actually deal damage to you, but not enough to pose any real threat. We got sick of it after about 15 minutes.

Eyepet

About five seconds after starting up this game, it became apparent that its target audience is ten year-old girls and not twenty year-old males. I regret everything about our playthrough. It begins with this guy in a white lab coat pretending to be a scientist explaining how the Eyepet works. He is extremely condescending and seems to assume that you are completely braindead and are amazed by this insane camera/motion censor technology. He makes you sit on the ground close to the TV and aim the camera at your feet, which makes this game perfect for sedentary people who always wanted to have a dog, but are too lazy to take it for walks. Finally, the Eyepet is summoned forth via a vortex from whatever dimension it is that Cthulu resides. It looks like a cross between a monkey and a dog and I shall henceforth call it a moggey. Taylor played with it a bit because he's lame like that, while I tried inflicting pain upon it, but to no avail. The moggey feels no pain and knows no fear. Then we had to give it a bath and it rolled around playfully on the ground and looked at me with eyes that said, "I will not stop until your manhood is completely destroyed!" Next up was a minigame where you draw an airplane on a magical notepad which then pops into existence for the moggey to fly around on and pop balloons. We achieved the high score with an embarrassing amount of ease and moggey laughed joyfully at how fucking gay we were. But then we began to wonder how strict the game's definition of an airplane was, and if we could turn moggey's own powers against him. We brought up the notepad again, but instead of drawing an airplane we drew a rock-hard erect penis complete with hairy balls, veins, and copious amounts of jizz spewing out the front end, then commanded the game to bring the monstrosity to life. We were delighted to see that it did, and just to put the icing on the cake, the jizz became the propeller. Moggey tried to put on a brave, smiling face as he hopped on the hard-on, but we knew he was dying on the inside. Up he flew into the blue sky amoungst the colourful balloons to the sound of his propeller which took an a whole new meaning given his vehicle. Up, up he soared into the stratosphere, riding that magical dick while he simultaneously descended into insanity with a manic grin on his face. We beat that game. We beat it hard.

TV Superstar

Deciding that we hadn't felt enough shame that night, we ended up playing one last game in the vain hope that maybe it would be good. I don't know why we settled on TV Superstar. Everything about it screamed shovelware but we started it up anyway. The first order of business was creating our avatars which is done by getting close to the camera so it can take a picture of your face. The game then places that image onto an animated body and you can then choose hairstyle, skin tone, etc. Damian went first and was curious as to what he would like if we were a cardboard cutout of a bald, African woman. The answer: abomination. Taylor was next and his avatar reflected his true inner self, by which I mean he came out looking like a creepy rapist with a smile that seemed to say, "I'm a gonna rape ya! I don't care if ur a man, woman, child, or duck. Hurr, hurr, hurr!" At this point, Zach and I realized that maybe it wasn't such a great idea to put ourselves into this already disturbing game, so we abstained and just watched the insanity that ensued. There are two minigames available in the game: fashion catwalk and MXC, except for they gave them way stupider names which would insult the intelligence of even Eyepet's intended audience. Fashion catwalk is essentially a long quicktime event where you follow on-screen prompts to move the controller in a certain direction. Its hosted by a flamboyantly gay stereotype. Damian's avatar was.... I don't even have words to describe it so I'll just move on. Taylor came out dressed as a sassy pirate, making him look even creepier than before which I didn't even think was possible. Thankfully this didn't last long, and we were soon playing the MXC minigame. It was stupid and that's all there is to it. This was followed by a trailer for the full game which did nothing to improve my impression of it. In fact, its even stupider than I originally imagined.

We then turned off the Playstation, unplugged the Move, and looked at our feet, filled with deep shame. Everyone went home quietly without a word. We knew what we had done, and we knew that there was no undoing it. Somehow we'd just have learn to cope with it. I coped with it by talking about it in detail on my blog. Hopefully this will serve as a warning to all of you.

In conclusion: buy a Wii.

Bonus points to whoever can suggest the next best thing to draw in lieu of a penis in Eyepet.

The Most Annoying Songs Ever

I am not a very musically inclined person, but every now and then there comes along a song so universally terrible that I can't help but be disgusted with them. Here is a list of what I find to be the worst offenders.

Big Booty Bitches - Two black guys in a basement

Once you've listened to the first thirty seconds of this song, you've pretty much heard it all. They just repeat the phrase "big booty bitches" over and over and over and over and over again. At one point they change it up for one or two lines and say "we don't want no skinny bitches," but honestly it just feels out of place. The only people on the planet who truly enjoy this song are the two guys performing it. Actually, is the guy on the left even doing anything? At the start it looks like he's playing the keyboard, but after about five seconds he gives up on that and just jumps around like a kangaroo who just chugged a six-pack of Red Bull for the remainder of the song. I don't even know what to make of the guy on the right. He is a paradox that who's very existence is an affront to rational thought. The only way I can think to describe him is as a black autistic gangster nerd, and that doesn't come close to doing this mythical creature justice. All I know for sure is that when he opens his mouth, my mind breaks down.

Little Drummer Boy - Johnny Cash

Hey kids! This is why you shouldn't record a Christmas album with a killer hangover. This Christmas carol is rendered with such a distinct lack of emotion that I think he was actively trying to convey just how dead he is inside. When Johnny Cash doesn't give a shit, he doesn't give a shit with a passion. The background singers desperately try to brighten the mood, but all it does is accentuate how soul draining this song truly is. When you throw in the drum beat it sounds more like the March of the Damned than a yuletide hymn. The only saving grace of this song is that it's just two and a half minutes long.

Hamsterdance - Some guy who should die

I am not posting a link to this video lest somebody should accidentally click on it. If you really feel the need to hear this travesty again, then you're already dead inside. This is less a song and more that annoying noise your five-year-old cousin makes for ten minutes straight because he thinks pissing the shit out of anyone within earshot is the greatest source of humour known to man. Unfortunately, you can't punch this song in the face to make it shut up. It's got all the hallmarks of a truly terrible song: it's repetitive, it grates on the ears, and it's completely retarded. To this very day, the reason for the popularity of this song remains the greatest mystery for pop culture analysts. But like anything retarded that became popular through the internet, I blame 4chan.

Life - Des'ree

When you listen to this song, pay very close attention to the lyrics. For those of you who aren't masochistic and thus don't want to put yourself through the torture of hearing Des'ree sing, I'll write out the lyrics for the first verse:

Oh. Yeah. Oh yeah. Oh life.
I am afraid of the dark
Especially when I'm in a park
And there's no one else around
Ooo I get the shivers.
I don't want to see a ghost
Its the sight that I fear most
I'd rather have a piece of toast
And watch the evening news
Life. Oh life. Oh Life. Oh Life. Doo doo doo doo.

What the fuck is that and what the hell does it have to do with life? The contents of my sister's diary when she was seven was both more coherent, interesting, and insightful with regards to what life is. You can read through that a hundred times and I don't think you'll ever come close to understanding what the writer was thinking when he came up with that. I don't think this song could possibly be written any worse. This seriously wouldn't even pass as a nursery rhyme. Imagine as though you were reading this to a young child, and then at the end you said, "And that's the meaning to life." That child would then have to be forcefully removed from your care for how badly you just mindfucked him. This song was made people! They produced a music video for it! People probably bought that album! What the hell is wrong with us?!

One Time - Justin Bieber

Hating on Justin Bieber seems to be the in thing right now second only to hating on hipsters, so I guess I'll jump on the bandwagon and rant about how horrible he is. Unfortunately I've only heard this one song of his, and I can't bring myself to listen to more than thirty seconds of it before I destroy my headphones. You're probably thinking, "Wait a minute. Unfortunate you say? I'd say your pretty damn lucky." Well to you I say, thirty seconds is exactly thirty seconds too many. In the music video, the problems begin before the music even starts. First off, that XBox controller clearly isn't even on. Secondly, since when was Usher a member of NAMBLA? Then he starts saying "eh" a whole bunch of times (cuz he's Candian I guess. God it pains me to admit that) while making an upside-down peace sign (is that gangster?), and invites some prostitots on bikes to his party. And that's as far as I can get. Just thinking about it makes me die inside. Writing this is literally killing me. That's it. I can't go on. Let's move on to the next one. It can't possibly be any worse.

Oh Johnny

And oh, how wrong I was. I am assuming that at some point in our lives, all of us were forced by our sadistic gym teachers to square dance to this godawful song. And I am also assuming that each and everyone of you knows the lyrics by heart and will never forget them as long as you live. When you're on your deathbed, your mind riddled with dementia, you'll have forgotten the name of your first born child, and this song will be running through your mind over and over again until you beg the doctor to euthanize you and end the pain. If you have somehow managed to evade this grim fate, maybe you went to high school in a kinder, less cruel world, then consider yourself lucky. I can only take comfort in the fact that I believe there is a hidden meaning behind this song. Specifically that its about a kick-ass orgy involving four guys named Johnny and four other chicks. Think about it: the refrain is clearly a woman screaming out the name of her lover in orgasm (Oh! Johnny! Oh Johnny! Ohhhhhhhhhh!!!!), swing that little gal behind you, do-si-do your own, and what exactly does it mean to "allemand left" with somebody? I can just imagine how that conversation went down when they wrote this song:

Johnny 1: Oh man! That was a sweet sex party last night with the Andrews sisters.

Johnny 2: Dude it was totally epic! It needs to be recorded in song, so for generations to come everybody will know how great we are!

Johnny 3: That is the best idea ever! But we can't make it to obvious what we're talking about, you know? Otherwise we'll get an angry mob with pitchforks and torches on our doorsteps.

Johnny 4: I know! We'll make it a dance hall number. Everybody will think its just a good wholesome song about nothing in particular.

Johnny 1: Brilliant!

Johnny 3: And it shall only be performed by adolescents and seniors for maximum possible irony.

Johnny 2: We are gods!

Alternatively, Johnny could also be a euphemism for penis.

If you guys can think of any songs that you think or just as or more annoying than the songs discussed here, then link that shit up in the comments section and earn yourself some bonus points!