Thursday, October 14, 2010

The Most Annoying Songs Ever

I am not a very musically inclined person, but every now and then there comes along a song so universally terrible that I can't help but be disgusted with them. Here is a list of what I find to be the worst offenders.

Big Booty Bitches - Two black guys in a basement

Once you've listened to the first thirty seconds of this song, you've pretty much heard it all. They just repeat the phrase "big booty bitches" over and over and over and over and over again. At one point they change it up for one or two lines and say "we don't want no skinny bitches," but honestly it just feels out of place. The only people on the planet who truly enjoy this song are the two guys performing it. Actually, is the guy on the left even doing anything? At the start it looks like he's playing the keyboard, but after about five seconds he gives up on that and just jumps around like a kangaroo who just chugged a six-pack of Red Bull for the remainder of the song. I don't even know what to make of the guy on the right. He is a paradox that who's very existence is an affront to rational thought. The only way I can think to describe him is as a black autistic gangster nerd, and that doesn't come close to doing this mythical creature justice. All I know for sure is that when he opens his mouth, my mind breaks down.

Little Drummer Boy - Johnny Cash

Hey kids! This is why you shouldn't record a Christmas album with a killer hangover. This Christmas carol is rendered with such a distinct lack of emotion that I think he was actively trying to convey just how dead he is inside. When Johnny Cash doesn't give a shit, he doesn't give a shit with a passion. The background singers desperately try to brighten the mood, but all it does is accentuate how soul draining this song truly is. When you throw in the drum beat it sounds more like the March of the Damned than a yuletide hymn. The only saving grace of this song is that it's just two and a half minutes long.

Hamsterdance - Some guy who should die

I am not posting a link to this video lest somebody should accidentally click on it. If you really feel the need to hear this travesty again, then you're already dead inside. This is less a song and more that annoying noise your five-year-old cousin makes for ten minutes straight because he thinks pissing the shit out of anyone within earshot is the greatest source of humour known to man. Unfortunately, you can't punch this song in the face to make it shut up. It's got all the hallmarks of a truly terrible song: it's repetitive, it grates on the ears, and it's completely retarded. To this very day, the reason for the popularity of this song remains the greatest mystery for pop culture analysts. But like anything retarded that became popular through the internet, I blame 4chan.

Life - Des'ree

When you listen to this song, pay very close attention to the lyrics. For those of you who aren't masochistic and thus don't want to put yourself through the torture of hearing Des'ree sing, I'll write out the lyrics for the first verse:

Oh. Yeah. Oh yeah. Oh life.
I am afraid of the dark
Especially when I'm in a park
And there's no one else around
Ooo I get the shivers.
I don't want to see a ghost
Its the sight that I fear most
I'd rather have a piece of toast
And watch the evening news
Life. Oh life. Oh Life. Oh Life. Doo doo doo doo.

What the fuck is that and what the hell does it have to do with life? The contents of my sister's diary when she was seven was both more coherent, interesting, and insightful with regards to what life is. You can read through that a hundred times and I don't think you'll ever come close to understanding what the writer was thinking when he came up with that. I don't think this song could possibly be written any worse. This seriously wouldn't even pass as a nursery rhyme. Imagine as though you were reading this to a young child, and then at the end you said, "And that's the meaning to life." That child would then have to be forcefully removed from your care for how badly you just mindfucked him. This song was made people! They produced a music video for it! People probably bought that album! What the hell is wrong with us?!

One Time - Justin Bieber

Hating on Justin Bieber seems to be the in thing right now second only to hating on hipsters, so I guess I'll jump on the bandwagon and rant about how horrible he is. Unfortunately I've only heard this one song of his, and I can't bring myself to listen to more than thirty seconds of it before I destroy my headphones. You're probably thinking, "Wait a minute. Unfortunate you say? I'd say your pretty damn lucky." Well to you I say, thirty seconds is exactly thirty seconds too many. In the music video, the problems begin before the music even starts. First off, that XBox controller clearly isn't even on. Secondly, since when was Usher a member of NAMBLA? Then he starts saying "eh" a whole bunch of times (cuz he's Candian I guess. God it pains me to admit that) while making an upside-down peace sign (is that gangster?), and invites some prostitots on bikes to his party. And that's as far as I can get. Just thinking about it makes me die inside. Writing this is literally killing me. That's it. I can't go on. Let's move on to the next one. It can't possibly be any worse.

Oh Johnny

And oh, how wrong I was. I am assuming that at some point in our lives, all of us were forced by our sadistic gym teachers to square dance to this godawful song. And I am also assuming that each and everyone of you knows the lyrics by heart and will never forget them as long as you live. When you're on your deathbed, your mind riddled with dementia, you'll have forgotten the name of your first born child, and this song will be running through your mind over and over again until you beg the doctor to euthanize you and end the pain. If you have somehow managed to evade this grim fate, maybe you went to high school in a kinder, less cruel world, then consider yourself lucky. I can only take comfort in the fact that I believe there is a hidden meaning behind this song. Specifically that its about a kick-ass orgy involving four guys named Johnny and four other chicks. Think about it: the refrain is clearly a woman screaming out the name of her lover in orgasm (Oh! Johnny! Oh Johnny! Ohhhhhhhhhh!!!!), swing that little gal behind you, do-si-do your own, and what exactly does it mean to "allemand left" with somebody? I can just imagine how that conversation went down when they wrote this song:

Johnny 1: Oh man! That was a sweet sex party last night with the Andrews sisters.

Johnny 2: Dude it was totally epic! It needs to be recorded in song, so for generations to come everybody will know how great we are!

Johnny 3: That is the best idea ever! But we can't make it to obvious what we're talking about, you know? Otherwise we'll get an angry mob with pitchforks and torches on our doorsteps.

Johnny 4: I know! We'll make it a dance hall number. Everybody will think its just a good wholesome song about nothing in particular.

Johnny 1: Brilliant!

Johnny 3: And it shall only be performed by adolescents and seniors for maximum possible irony.

Johnny 2: We are gods!

Alternatively, Johnny could also be a euphemism for penis.

If you guys can think of any songs that you think or just as or more annoying than the songs discussed here, then link that shit up in the comments section and earn yourself some bonus points!



    Yeah. That just happened.

  2. Wow Zach. Way to take my bonus question as literally as possible.

  3. Chelsea, for the win!!!