Dr. Krieger: The Greatest Ever

I just finished watching the first two seasons of Archer, an animated show about secret agent, Sterling Archer, and his co-workers. Virtually all of the characters have some sort of personality disorder and they’re all hilarious in their own way, but none can quite measure up to the awesomeness of Dr. Krieger. Everything he says and does is amazing. He can just be standing there and still somehow make me laugh. He may very well be the most perverted and insane character on the show, yet he is also highly intelligent and able to invent almost anything he wants. Unfortunately, what he wants to invent are normally just devices to service his sexual fantasies, but that’s just one of many things that make Krieger so great. Here is an incomplete list of all the ridiculous things he’s said and done that I can remember.



The first time Krieger opens his mouth, it immediately becomes apparent that he is anything but normal. The magic of his first sentences cannot be conveyed with mere text, so here’s a clip of the venerable scene.



Krieger seems to have many perversions, and one of the first that we learn about is his obsession with hobos, a fact which he doesn’t even attempt to hide and references on numerous occasions. Here are two of my favourite quotes relating to the subject:

Archer: Jesus Krieger, are you still taping bum fights?
Krieger: No, now I’m into something... darker.

Krieger: Or else I’ll crank up the heat again!
Carol: I love that you know how to do that.
Krieger: And I love how I have an erection that didn’t involve homeless people.

As a follow-up to Fister Roboto, Krieger invents Chokebot in an attempt to satisfy Carol’s (his then girlfriend) asphyxiation fetish. Because that isn’t already disturbing enough, here’s a visual:



Perhaps Krieger’s most profound romantic relationship is with a virtual girlfriend he created. She is a hologram of a stereotypical anime chick so sophisticated and self-aware, that he is legally allowed to marry it/her. Sadly, their wedding never comes to pass because people/society don’t understand their love.

Krieger doesn’t just do work with computers and robotics. He is also accomplished in the field of genetics as he has attempted to make clones of himself (it is hinted that he himself is a clone of Hitler) and created hybrid monstrosities such as Pigly and Goatly. If you can’t already guess how those latter experiments went, here’s a clip:



Despite his bizarre experiments, at times Krieger displays a degree of professional competence. What you’re about to see is not one of those times. Instead you see him make a clumsy mistake, witness his LSD breath-strips in action (guess why he invented those), and also learn a surprising fact about Doctor Krieger.



In case you’re wondering how the surgery went, here’s a little taste:



In one episode, the crew is tasked with wading through boxes full of paperwork. Instead of contributing, Krieger fashions a box fort, stands inside of it for the entire episode, and snorts MSG while making inappropriate remarks. He accurately titled his construction, Fort Kick-ass.

I'm sorry, are you addressing me? Because your authority is not recognized in Fort Kick-ass.

In his tenure at ISIS, Krieger has invented many amazing and sophisticated machines, but the accomplishment of which he is the proudest is his bitchin’/creepy van. I’ll let you be the judge about what this says of his character.

All aboard the Date Rape Express! Toot! Toot!

I think Archer summarizes my feelings best in the second episode where we first meet Krieger when he tells the doctor, “you are my Oprah.”