Vampire Girl

Every now and then my friends and I develop ideas for what we believe would be the most popular show to ever hit television screens despite the fact that it would be terrible and that we would hate it. It's called Vampire Girl and it's about a preppy girl in high school who also happens to be a vampire. Here I've decided to finally put pen to paper (or whatever you call it when you're typing things out on a computer), but I must extend credit to all those who helped come up with it. You know who you are.


Lucy (narrating): Hi. My name is Lucy and I am about to start my first day at Emil Faber High School. I've only been here a few minutes, and already I've seen a ton of cute guys around, but none are as babelicious as Douglas Marlowe. He's so dreamy. I hope we can be together. I love him so much. Oh there goes the bell. Better get to class. I don't want to be late. Oh by the way, I forgot to mention, I'm totally a vampire.

Kate: What?

Lucy: What?

Kate: For some reason you were describing your day to me and how much you liked this Douglas guy, and then you just said you were a vampire. What the hell was that all about?

Lucy: Oh, umm... Can you keep a secret?

Kate: Are you sure you want to be telling me all this? Like we just met a minute ago. I don't think you even know my name.

Lucy: Don't worry. I just feel that we are going to be best friends.

Kate: I don't know. You're kinda weird.

Lucy: I'm a vampire.

Kate: Yah, you said that like just a few seconds ago.

Lucy: You're not going to tell anyone are you?

Kate: Um, I guess not. I don't think anybody would believe me. In fact, I am pretty sure I don't believe you.

Lucy: I knew I could count on you. Best friends forever!

Kate: Yah, it doesn't work like that.

Lucy: What's your name?

Kate: Kate.

Lucy: Best friends forever, Kate!

Kate: Great, I am going to class now.

Lucy: See you at lunch! Meet me by my locker.

Kate: I don't know where that is.

Lucy: Bye!

Kate: Bye. (exits)

Lucy: I just know that we're going to be best friends. Well better get to math class before the second bell rings and oh my god its Douglas!

Douglas: Hey, I haven't seen you around here before. Are you new?

Lucy: Yah, my name is Lucy. I'm a vampire.

Douglas: Umm cool, I guess. My name is Douglas, I'm a pretty cool guy.

Lucy: Ha ha ha.

Douglas: Yeah, I guess I'm pretty funny to. Well see you around. (exits)

Lucy: Oh my god. What a hunk.

William: Jesus Christ, there you are! Why the hell did you run off like that? You're supposed to stick close to me, remember?

Lucy: I'm 118 years old William. I don't need a babysitter.

William: Oh yeah? How many people have you told that you're a vampire today?

Lucy: Two.

William: Ok, so the correct answer to that question is supposed to be zero.

Lucy: But Kate is my best friend and Douglas is so dreamy.

William: Goddammit Lucy! You are functionally retarded, and you're a vampire. That is a terrible combination. Bringing you here was a horrible idea. Let's just pray those two humans you told didn't believe you.

Lucy: Well then why did you bring me here?

William: That's a great question Lucy. One that we've explained the answer to you fifty times, but a great question nonetheless. Why would somebody who's 118 years old have to go to high school? Oh that's right, because she's a goddamn idiot who thinks it gets dark at night because the sun is sleeping and has the maturity level of a thirteen year-old.

Lucy: You are the worst brother ever.

William: Well if this last ditch effort to smarten you up doesn't work, then you don't have to worry about dealing with me because you'll be dead. Don't forget that The Enclave is starting to see you as a liability. They're tired of cleaning up your messes and we can only cover for you so much. One more big screw-up and that'll be the end of you.

Lucy: You worry too much. I'm 118 years old. I can take care of myself.

William: *sigh* We just established that this is not the case, but whatever, no time for arguing, we have to get to class.

Lucy: Looks like this day is off to a really great start!

William: Stop talking.

And here is where we take our first commercial break. Stay tuned for part 2 further down the line.