A Typical Episode of Superfriends

Some time ago I decided to watch an episode of Superfriends on Teletoon Retro. What followed was perhaps the most bizarre thing I have ever witnessed on television. Now it has been a while since I've seen it, so my memory is a bit hazy on certain points, but I shall do my best to relay to you all that occurred. A typical episode is divided into three separate segments, so let's begin with the first.

The first segment follows Batman, Robin, Wonder Woman, and Flash as they attempt to fend off the evil villain, Scorpio who's only discernible power is that he is dressed as a scorpion, which makes him more of a mascot than a villain, but nobody seems to question it. Somehow he gets a hold of a super-growth potion which he proceeds to feed to numerous insects, causing them to grow to a gigantic size. Despite the fact that they are mindless creatures, he is able to control them, and sends them to attack the laboratory before the scientist who made the potion can come up with an antidote. It's up to the Superfriends to fend off the bugs and buy the scientist time. Wonder Woman and Flash somehow end up in a cave and don't appear to accomplish anything. Batman and Robin head outside to fight some arthropods and word for word this is the conversation that ensued:

Robin: Jiminy, Batman. That's one giant cricket.

Batman: I hate you so fucking much.

Ok, so maybe Batman didn't say that so much as think it. The point is, Robin is the gayest sidekick in the history of comic books. After an incredibly short and uneventful 'action' sequence the scientist has suddenly come up with the antidote just as the insects barge into his lab. He blasts the bugs with the antidote using a ray gun (yah I don't know how that works either) and the bugs continue on their merry way out of a hole in the wall as if nothing had happened, while Scorpio declares that he'll be back.

Part two begins with Wonder Woman and Green Lantern responding to a spaceship threatening Earth. They blast off in Wonder Woman's invisible jet and discover that the ship is being piloted by, wait for it, space cowboys. Wonder Woman and Green Lantern, realizing that they are completely useless, are immediately taken prisoners. Batman and Robin try to come to the rescue, but decide that the best battle plan is to go in to a comatose state and are promptly imprisoned with the rest. They ask their captors why they are being held and the answer will blow your fucking mind.

They come from a planet where the only law is that it's against the law to obey the law, so they have come to Earth to take in the Superfriends for breaking their planet's law.

If there is anything about that previous sentence that makes any sense at all to you, you are officially insane. The Superfriends are insane, because they do not question the space cowboy logic in the slightest, and are taken to their home planet. Rather than taking their intergalactic spaceship to their final destination on their planet however, the space cowboys decide to land in the middle of a desert and take a train the rest of the way. Once on the train, Batman manages to get some electro-bullshit out of his utility belt and uses it to break their laser-cuffs. They all escape, fight the space cowboys in a short and uneventful 'action' sequence, and return to Earth.

The final part begins with the Wonder Twins who are having a boring day at the Hall of Justice when they stumble upon a magic lamp that Superman just left lying around, because you know, Superman is not responsible in the slightest, and neither are the Wonder Twins apparently since they decide to use it to wish for a monster to fight. The genie in the lamp grants their wish and causes a radio antenna on top of a skyscraper to turn into a giant robot. The robot rampages through Metropolis and knocks the top half off of another skyscraper. In a stunning disregard for structural integrity, the guy Wonder Twin picks up the top half of the building before it hits the ground, and just puts it right back where it was on top of the skyscraper, apparently solving the problem. The robot proves to be too much of a challenge for the Twins so they make their second wish to be back where they started.

The genie takes this literally and sends them back to a desert on their home planet. Suddenly, a shark fin appears, swimming through the sand which is in itself, pretty ridiculous, but this is Superfriends so they have to take it a step further. Its not just a shark that lives in sand, its a motherfucking dragon-shark. This may sound awesome, but believe me it's retarded, especially the hammerhead dragon-shark. In response to this threat, the girl twin (who can turn into any animal) takes to form of a sand-whale (because this isn't ridiculous enough), while the guy twin (who can take the form of water), turns into an ice net which is exactly what it sounds like: a net made of ice that somehow has the flexibility of a net. The girl twin uses her tail to fling her brother onto one of the dragon-sharks thus incapacitating it. At this point Superman shows up, beats up all the dragon-sharks in two seconds, and reprimands the Wonder Twins. The end.

There are so many things wrong with what I saw I don't know which travesty was the worst. Even Wonder Showzen makes more sense than this bullshit, and is probably more suitable for children, and this is an example of a Wonder Showzen cartoon. After watching that, I probably don't need to say anything more.