Wednesday, May 26, 2010

The Floridiad: Book 1: The Rage of Damian

As some of you may have guessed by the tardiness of this post, I had trouble thinking of what to write. And as always when I don't know what to write, I make up a retarded story about one or more of my friends. What I finally came up with was so manly and epic, that it went around full circle and became homoerotic. Enjoy.

As Dawn with her red-rose fingers climbed high into the sky, mighty Damian, bulwark of the Acadians, leaped out of bed like a god. With a single thump of his massive fist, he demolished the foolish alarm clock which had the gall to disturb the slumber of this mighty giant of a man.

It was time for battle. Time for glory. Time to conquer these rich foreign lands of Florida. No man, woman, or mouse would be spared.

Without another moments hesitation, the invincible warrior began to suit up for the fateful day ahead. First he wrapped his legs with netted trunks, fastened with an unbreakable line of rope around his throbbing manhood. Round his chest he strapped a t-shirt displaying his Canuck pride. Over his broad brow Damian set his swim cap fronted with four knobs and forked with twin horns and the horsehair crest atop it tossing, bristling terror. And last he picked up two tough spears, tipped in bronze, honed sharp, and the glare flashed off their brazen points and pierced the high skies - and awestruck at the sight the Hera and Athena loosed a crack of thunder, exalting the great king of Maple Ridge rich in gold.

He was ready.

Down to the white beaches he strode like a god. Once there he found cunning Damascus and the invincible Ahzidius already in consultation.

"What is the plan of attack today?" inquired Damian, peerless among the Acadians.

"We shall harry them in the fields while the sun graces us with his glorious light, but once night falls we shall launch the main attack with you and your battalion attacking by land from the west, while Ahzidius and I take them by the eastern sea," replied Damascus the master tactician.

Before Damian could give his assent a cry for help was heard coming from the deep blue. Zachary, healer of wounds, was caught beneath the rolling waves.

Someone must save him! shouted Ahzidius.

"The current is too strong, no one can save him now," said Damascus filled with sorrow.

"Nothing is stronger than Damian!" raged the beast of a man as he ripped off his shirt and flung himself headlong into the sea. He swam out to the struggling Acadian like a god and latched on to his arm. Mustering all of his strength he then headed back for the shore. For a moment it seemed as though he too would go under, but Poseidon must have lent him some force for he made it back to land with Zachary and shimmered in the sunlight while Damascus revived the exhausted soldier.

"All hail King Damian!" praised generous Ahzidius, but Damian did not hear for the Rage had taken a hold of him and the only way to quell it was with blood. He stormed towards the towering city of Orlando. Ahzidius tried to stop him, but Damascus wisely held him back. There was no stopping Damian now.

As Damian approached the city's gates it's defenders launched volley after volley at him, but he must have had the protection of Zeus for nothing could touch him. With one fell swoop he broke the gates off their hinges. The bulwark of the Acadians charged through the streets ripping apart anyone foolish enough to stand in his way. The finest soldiers the city had to offer were sent to bring him low, and they all failed, the property of Hades now.

The day passed and their was no end to the carnage. By nightfall the entire city was in flames, plundered by the Acadian forces thanks to the brute strength of Damian. Once his Rage had subsided, Damian found a Kiwi girl cowering in a corner of a ransacked house.

"I have taken your city. Slaughtered it's guardians. Looted it's treasures. And left you alone in the world. What say you to that?" asked Damian the bravest of them all, heaving from his day's work.

"I want you so bad right now," replied the young woman.

"Excellent" said Damian with a glint in his eye. A night of ravishing ensued. Damian was the only survivor.

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