Well over a year ago, I made a post about the strangest children’s TV shows I could find and in that list I included a link to a scene from a Japanese show where toddlers approximate dancing either by flopping about on the ground like turtles on their back or by standing perfectly still. Given that the results are obviously a complete catastrophe, I figured that this sketch was just a one time thing that was done mostly as a joke for the parents. Apparently I was wrong and this is actually a regularly occurring segment that they probably put into every single episode. This is the conversation that I imagine occurred between two producers after the first episode to explain why this is:
Producer 1: Well that was a total disaster and embarrassing for everyone involved. I guess we’ll need to replace it with something new. Any suggestions?
Producer 2: Tentacle rape.
Producer 1: Why does it always come back to tentacle rape with you? Why do you insist on playing into that ridiculous and offensive stereotype?
Producer 2: Are you telling me you don’t like watching giant squid molest nubile teens?
Producer 1: Goddammit man! This is a kid’s show!
Producer 2: All the more reason to go with it.
Producer 1: Screw it! We’ll stick with the dancing! Anything to make this conversation end!
This conversation also probably explains most Japanese television. Below are some more examples of the segment (including the original) as well as a more in-depth analysis on what is going on.
So the first thing I can’t help but notice is that in spite of the hosts’ enthusiasm, a solid half of the kids will be standing still at any given time. Sometimes they’ll make a feeble attempt at flailing their arms, but mostly they just look helplessly around for some sort of guidance. With both the dog and the older girl showing them how to do the dance, they can’t be possibly be looking for instructions on what to do, so I can only assume that they’re wondering how the hell they got to where they are. When the time comes for everybody to fall and roll around on the ground, again only about half will actually do it and of that half only half will stand back up again. In case you weren’t already convinced that this is a disorganized mess, one of the later moves is to run around literally wherever you want and they still manage to fail at it. At least one will always run off stage, a solid quarter will remain motionless, and half of the half that didn’t fall down earlier will do so now. On occasion, the cameraman will spot a child who actually appears to be doing the action they’re supposed to and will zoom in on them. Always and without fail, that child will stop doing anything right at that moment with a peculiar look on their face. You might call it confusion, and you’d be right, but there’s something more going on there: sheer terror. Trust me when I say I’ve become an expert at reading terror in children’s faces and these kids are pissing/shitting their oversized pants right now, which I’m pretty sure are shaped like that for a reason. Now I don’t know what has them so scared, but whatever it is, it causes all of the above insanity to happen and probably occurs off stage which leads me to believe that this is all a deliberate ploy by the director to make this as hilarious as possible. That one kid who runs off screen earlier isn’t overzealous in his participation; he’s trying to escape, and sees that momentary confusion as his best chance. Some seek protection from the dog mascot as there’s always two or three or group around and try to touch him. I tip my hat to the actor inside that suit who manages to keep dancing without knocking any of them over.
Sadly, I couldn’t find the proper clip anymore, but there’s one I stumbled upon earlier that featured a girl who actually seemed to know all the moves in the proper order. She’s like the Sasquatch of the show in that it’s almost impossible to believe she exists and you’ll just have to take a third party’s word for it. However, she started performing all of the moves a solid five seconds before she’s supposed to. You may say she’s just over-eager, but I like to think that she simply understands better than anybody what makes this segment so great and so special in the first place: nothing happens as it’s supposed to. So sure she could do everything perfectly, but that would just ruin it. By just doing the right move five seconds early, she makes the whole show just that much more amazing. I also now realize that the older girl and the dog aren’t there for the benefit of the children, but for us so we know what the dance is supposed to look like and can thus fully appreciate the hilarity of the failure that surrounds them.
In closing, I apologize for getting this song stuck in your head.
Bonus points to anyone who can find the girl that knows what she’s doing.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Friday, December 16, 2011
Fictional Male Role Models
School is fianlly done for the semester, so I figure it’s high time I catch up on my blog which I haven’t really been consistently updating over the past few months. To make it up to you (since I know how much you all love reading this, all 18 of you) I’m going to be doing a blog post a day between now and the end of the year. We’ll get the ball rolling with my top fictional male role models (and by “role model” I don’t mean people who should be emulated, but characters who I feel have somehow shaped the way we perceive masculinity today) going in order from oldest to most recent.
Hector
First seen in: The Iliad (epic)
Although The Iliad is ostensibly about Achilles and the Greek army besieging Troy, it is Hector, leader of the Trojan forces who, despite being on the enemy side, managed to get himself named as one of the Nine Worthies by Jacques de Longuyon. He is a fearsome warrior, a loving father and husband, and a virtuous man. In many ways he is the noblest of all the characters and becomes the hero of the story. Whereas most Greek heroes from Hercules on down to Odysseus are little more than arrogant, violent brutes, Hector exhibits a softer side in addition to his battlefield prowess, especially in his relationship to his son whom he lifts into the air and whispers his hopes and dreams into his ear. He has the courage of a legendary hero, the virtue of a chivalrous knight, and the love a man.
King Arthur
First seen in: Various Welsh and Breton poems and tales
One of the most enduring perceptions of what a man should be is a knight in shining armour despite the fact that the Middle Ages ended centuries ago. Since Don Quixote this stereotype has been deconstructed time and again, yet many men still see it as their duty to be “protectors of the realm” serving a code of chivalry and nobility that may never have existed outside of popular imagination. King Arthur and his knights perfectly embody this moral code with their holy quests, feats of valour, honourable bearing, and of course their saving of damsels in distress. It is interesting to note that these damsels often prove to be the downfall of the men (Tristan and Isolde, the Arthur-Lacelot-Guinevere love triangle). In hindsight it does all seem a tad ridiculous, but there is still something gripping about it, to strive to be the best one can be and to help those in need. It may be fanciful, but there are far less noble goals a man can set himself.
Don Juan
First seen in: The Trickster of Seville and the Stone Guest (play)
Don Juan is the ultimate playboy. All he cares about is getting pretty girls into bed regardless of marital or social status with absolutely no concern for the consequences. He is a dick in more ways than one, yet despite this (or more likely because of it) he has become the symbol of what many men strive to be in their sex lives. He’s not particularly nice, he’s certainly not cut out to be a family man, and the only reason why he’d help you is if he might somehow get laid out of it, but boy is he sure a ladykiller. This of course plays into the double standard where it’s accepted and even applauded when men sleep around, but a capital crime for a woman to do the same. I think this perception of sexuality is ssslllooowwwlllyyy fading away, and maybe one day instead of calling Don Juan a playa, we’ll call him what he truly his: a gigantic whore.
Conan the Barbarian
First seen in: Weird Tales (magazine)
Conan is absurdly hyper-masculine to an almost incomprehensible degree. His muscles are massive, he doesn’t believe in shirts nevermind armour, and as his name suggests, his number one problem solving method is to beat things into a bloody pulp. His outlook on life can be aptly summarized by this quote from the movie: The greatest pleasures in life are “to crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women.” Not exactly politically correct, but the notion of male aggressiveness that Conan espouses remains pervasive even today. Many men really want to be this uber-man defined by violence against both men and women to assert their dominance. You can see it in bodybuilders, MMA fighters, and pretty much anyone who self-identifies as a “gangsta.” My favourite part about Conan has to be that because so much focus is put on the male body, it comes around full circle and becomes homoerotic. You probably shouldn’t say that The Situation however.
Bugs Bunny
First seen in: A Wild Hare (animated short)
Whereas most characters on this list tend to rely on raw physical strength or sexual power to assert their maleness, Bugs Bunny depends almost entirely on his wits and trickery. His aggressors will use guns or brute strength in their pursuit of his demise, but Bugs foils them time and again by toying with their feeble minds. He proves that brains trump brawn while providing an alternative to what it takes to be a man that goes beyond the physical, and will influence all future representations of manhood. Bugs is also something of a transgender icon as one of his favourite tactics is to dress up as a woman. I find it odd that it takes a cartoon rabbit to show that without developing the mind, a man is no better than an animal.
James Bond
First seen in: Casino Royale (novel)
At first glance, 007 may appear to be little more than a womanizer in the same vein of Don Juan, but unlike his predecessor, sex is not the be all and end all of the famous spy. Sure he’s suave and debonair, but he also has an aggressive side and the vast majority of his problems are solved by coolly taking out whoever stands in his way. The two sides temper one another and are balanced by his intellect where he uses a variety of gadgets and deceptions to uncover conspiracies and protect British interests. Essentially, he’s what comes to your mind when you think of a man’s man. Women want him and men want to be him. The Dos Equis Most Interesting Man in the World is an updated version of Bond with the only real difference between them being a majestic beard, but Bond is still the more influential and culturally enduring what with the countless books, video games, and movies that glorify his name.
Atticus Finch
First seen in: To Kill a Mockingbird (novel)
This is about the only character on this list who is non-violent and non-sexual, but has still come to be seen as symbol for what a man should be. He is honourable, gentle, a great father, and sticks to his code of ethics even as the whole town turns against him. Too many he is considered one of the greatest heroes in literature and film because he presents a new template of what it takes to be a man based on humanitarian principles such as truth, justice, and integrity rather than purely masculine ideals. He always tries to do what is right and he does so without breaking any bones. He’s the portrait of the better man we all wish we could be, but often fail to live up to.
Indiana Jones
First seen in: Raiders of the Lost Ark (movie)
The thing I love about Indiana Jones is that he relies just as much on his wits as he does his whip to see him through to the end. He’s rough and tumble, but he’s also an educated archaeologist who’s just as adept at solving puzzles as he is at throwing punches. I’m not gonna lie, he was pretty much my idol when I was growing up. I wanted to be just as cool as he was which meant being smart as well as being strong. I only succeeded in one of those areas, so I don’t think I’ll be going off on any zany, dangerous adventures any time soon. Nevertheless, he’s the best and most iconic representation of your typical outdoorsman with a sweet hat, just the right amount of stubble, and the know-how and skill to survive whatever life throws your way. Also of awesomeness: snappy one-liners. You can never underestimate the importance of those.
Jesse Custer
First seen in: Preacher (graphic novel)
You’ve heard me rave about Preacher before, but it cannot be understated how awesome everything about it is, and the titular character is no exception to this rule. He’s got the toughness of Indiana Jones, though he’s not all that bright. He makes up for this with his unwavering sense of justice that no being is exempt from including himself. In many ways, he’s the modern knight who fights for the love of a woman, has a strict code of ethics, and also carries a certain charm around with him even has he’s bashing a chair over someone’s head in a bar brawl. A large part of what makes him who he is, is that he recognizes his own faults, past mistakes, and his own outdated look on gender that causes him to keep Tulip out of harm’s way even though she proves over and over again that she can hold her own. What’s more, he tries to atone for them which is a helluva lot more than most on this list can say.
Don Draper
First seen in: Mad Men (TV show)
Don is by no means a good man, nor is he particularly attentive to his family, yet he has still become an icon for maleness. He’s a snappy dresser, clever and creative, forward-thinking and daring, and has a mysterious element to him. All of this is well and good, and it’s easy to see why we might find these qualities attractive, but the key to Don is his relationship with women and it is from this source that all of these other qualities flow and why we find him so enigmatic. He is defined by his ability (or inability) to connect to women on an emotional or sexual level and this forms the core of his being. His talent for always knowing the right thing to say in a pitch meeting is tied to his talent for always knowing what to say to a woman whether he’s seducing, mentoring, or manipulating her. Despite his mastery of language, words often form a barrier between him and other people, disabling the formation of any meaningful bonds. For this reason he can find temporary pleasure in the arms of any woman he wants, but any lasting happiness is forever beyond his reach. I think this all makes him perhaps the most apt male sex symbol for the modern age.
Honourable Mention: Eddard Stark from Game of Thrones
Bonus points to whoever comments on their favourite fictional female role model.
Hector
First seen in: The Iliad (epic)
Although The Iliad is ostensibly about Achilles and the Greek army besieging Troy, it is Hector, leader of the Trojan forces who, despite being on the enemy side, managed to get himself named as one of the Nine Worthies by Jacques de Longuyon. He is a fearsome warrior, a loving father and husband, and a virtuous man. In many ways he is the noblest of all the characters and becomes the hero of the story. Whereas most Greek heroes from Hercules on down to Odysseus are little more than arrogant, violent brutes, Hector exhibits a softer side in addition to his battlefield prowess, especially in his relationship to his son whom he lifts into the air and whispers his hopes and dreams into his ear. He has the courage of a legendary hero, the virtue of a chivalrous knight, and the love a man.
King Arthur
First seen in: Various Welsh and Breton poems and tales
One of the most enduring perceptions of what a man should be is a knight in shining armour despite the fact that the Middle Ages ended centuries ago. Since Don Quixote this stereotype has been deconstructed time and again, yet many men still see it as their duty to be “protectors of the realm” serving a code of chivalry and nobility that may never have existed outside of popular imagination. King Arthur and his knights perfectly embody this moral code with their holy quests, feats of valour, honourable bearing, and of course their saving of damsels in distress. It is interesting to note that these damsels often prove to be the downfall of the men (Tristan and Isolde, the Arthur-Lacelot-Guinevere love triangle). In hindsight it does all seem a tad ridiculous, but there is still something gripping about it, to strive to be the best one can be and to help those in need. It may be fanciful, but there are far less noble goals a man can set himself.
Don Juan
First seen in: The Trickster of Seville and the Stone Guest (play)
Don Juan is the ultimate playboy. All he cares about is getting pretty girls into bed regardless of marital or social status with absolutely no concern for the consequences. He is a dick in more ways than one, yet despite this (or more likely because of it) he has become the symbol of what many men strive to be in their sex lives. He’s not particularly nice, he’s certainly not cut out to be a family man, and the only reason why he’d help you is if he might somehow get laid out of it, but boy is he sure a ladykiller. This of course plays into the double standard where it’s accepted and even applauded when men sleep around, but a capital crime for a woman to do the same. I think this perception of sexuality is ssslllooowwwlllyyy fading away, and maybe one day instead of calling Don Juan a playa, we’ll call him what he truly his: a gigantic whore.
Conan the Barbarian
First seen in: Weird Tales (magazine)
Conan is absurdly hyper-masculine to an almost incomprehensible degree. His muscles are massive, he doesn’t believe in shirts nevermind armour, and as his name suggests, his number one problem solving method is to beat things into a bloody pulp. His outlook on life can be aptly summarized by this quote from the movie: The greatest pleasures in life are “to crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women.” Not exactly politically correct, but the notion of male aggressiveness that Conan espouses remains pervasive even today. Many men really want to be this uber-man defined by violence against both men and women to assert their dominance. You can see it in bodybuilders, MMA fighters, and pretty much anyone who self-identifies as a “gangsta.” My favourite part about Conan has to be that because so much focus is put on the male body, it comes around full circle and becomes homoerotic. You probably shouldn’t say that The Situation however.
Bugs Bunny
First seen in: A Wild Hare (animated short)
Whereas most characters on this list tend to rely on raw physical strength or sexual power to assert their maleness, Bugs Bunny depends almost entirely on his wits and trickery. His aggressors will use guns or brute strength in their pursuit of his demise, but Bugs foils them time and again by toying with their feeble minds. He proves that brains trump brawn while providing an alternative to what it takes to be a man that goes beyond the physical, and will influence all future representations of manhood. Bugs is also something of a transgender icon as one of his favourite tactics is to dress up as a woman. I find it odd that it takes a cartoon rabbit to show that without developing the mind, a man is no better than an animal.
James Bond
First seen in: Casino Royale (novel)
At first glance, 007 may appear to be little more than a womanizer in the same vein of Don Juan, but unlike his predecessor, sex is not the be all and end all of the famous spy. Sure he’s suave and debonair, but he also has an aggressive side and the vast majority of his problems are solved by coolly taking out whoever stands in his way. The two sides temper one another and are balanced by his intellect where he uses a variety of gadgets and deceptions to uncover conspiracies and protect British interests. Essentially, he’s what comes to your mind when you think of a man’s man. Women want him and men want to be him. The Dos Equis Most Interesting Man in the World is an updated version of Bond with the only real difference between them being a majestic beard, but Bond is still the more influential and culturally enduring what with the countless books, video games, and movies that glorify his name.
Atticus Finch
First seen in: To Kill a Mockingbird (novel)
This is about the only character on this list who is non-violent and non-sexual, but has still come to be seen as symbol for what a man should be. He is honourable, gentle, a great father, and sticks to his code of ethics even as the whole town turns against him. Too many he is considered one of the greatest heroes in literature and film because he presents a new template of what it takes to be a man based on humanitarian principles such as truth, justice, and integrity rather than purely masculine ideals. He always tries to do what is right and he does so without breaking any bones. He’s the portrait of the better man we all wish we could be, but often fail to live up to.
Indiana Jones
First seen in: Raiders of the Lost Ark (movie)
The thing I love about Indiana Jones is that he relies just as much on his wits as he does his whip to see him through to the end. He’s rough and tumble, but he’s also an educated archaeologist who’s just as adept at solving puzzles as he is at throwing punches. I’m not gonna lie, he was pretty much my idol when I was growing up. I wanted to be just as cool as he was which meant being smart as well as being strong. I only succeeded in one of those areas, so I don’t think I’ll be going off on any zany, dangerous adventures any time soon. Nevertheless, he’s the best and most iconic representation of your typical outdoorsman with a sweet hat, just the right amount of stubble, and the know-how and skill to survive whatever life throws your way. Also of awesomeness: snappy one-liners. You can never underestimate the importance of those.
Jesse Custer
First seen in: Preacher (graphic novel)
You’ve heard me rave about Preacher before, but it cannot be understated how awesome everything about it is, and the titular character is no exception to this rule. He’s got the toughness of Indiana Jones, though he’s not all that bright. He makes up for this with his unwavering sense of justice that no being is exempt from including himself. In many ways, he’s the modern knight who fights for the love of a woman, has a strict code of ethics, and also carries a certain charm around with him even has he’s bashing a chair over someone’s head in a bar brawl. A large part of what makes him who he is, is that he recognizes his own faults, past mistakes, and his own outdated look on gender that causes him to keep Tulip out of harm’s way even though she proves over and over again that she can hold her own. What’s more, he tries to atone for them which is a helluva lot more than most on this list can say.
Don Draper
First seen in: Mad Men (TV show)
Don is by no means a good man, nor is he particularly attentive to his family, yet he has still become an icon for maleness. He’s a snappy dresser, clever and creative, forward-thinking and daring, and has a mysterious element to him. All of this is well and good, and it’s easy to see why we might find these qualities attractive, but the key to Don is his relationship with women and it is from this source that all of these other qualities flow and why we find him so enigmatic. He is defined by his ability (or inability) to connect to women on an emotional or sexual level and this forms the core of his being. His talent for always knowing the right thing to say in a pitch meeting is tied to his talent for always knowing what to say to a woman whether he’s seducing, mentoring, or manipulating her. Despite his mastery of language, words often form a barrier between him and other people, disabling the formation of any meaningful bonds. For this reason he can find temporary pleasure in the arms of any woman he wants, but any lasting happiness is forever beyond his reach. I think this all makes him perhaps the most apt male sex symbol for the modern age.
Honourable Mention: Eddard Stark from Game of Thrones
Bonus points to whoever comments on their favourite fictional female role model.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Mexican Chicken Hof
It’s been months since I went to that crazy restaurant, and I probably should have done this post much earlier, but even so it feels like only yesterday that I sat down to the strangest meal I’ve ever had in my life. I realize now that I will never forget about the dining experience that was Mexican Chicken Hof.
The place was recommended to us by a friend who described it as a Korean BBQ. So you can imagine my surprise when we got there and saw the sign proudly declaring it to be a Mexican restaurant. Also, it featured a cartoon chicken gleefully asking us to eat him. Already, before walking through the door, I could tell that this was going to be… special. Once inside, I was overwhelmed by the inconsistency of the décor. It looked like a flea market crossed with my grandpa’s basement and a museum of modern art that was also somehow a restaurant. There were bizarre paintings, tacky souvenirs, half-dead plants, and all manner of odds and ends. In a way, these furnishing suited the restaurant perfectly for the randomness seen all around would be reflected in the food they served.
After being seated, a colourful array of plastic cups was doled out to everybody before pitchers of water were passed around. And by “pitchers” I of course mean various Tupperware containers that might be used to hold cereal, of which no two were alike. This was soon followed by the appetizer: baskets of popcorn. Not any special kind of Korean or Mexican popcorn, but just regular popcorn that you get from a bag. I have nothing against popcorn, and indeed their popcorn tasted fine, but I couldn’t help but feel that none of this made any goddamn sense and I felt strangely uneasy while eating it. Next came the chicken which despite their differences in size and appearance, really only seemed to have two different varieties: deep-fried or spicy red sauce. The deep-fried one also came with honey-mustard sauce that kinda looked like mango pudding. This would be the most coherent part of the whole experience. The next course was corn covered in melted cheese which up until this point I never really thought of as a dish. In fact I still don’t. That being said, it tasted exactly like corn covered in cheese so I guess in that respect it was a success. Once that was all gone, they gave us some chili cheese fries. At this point I realized that we were in neither a Korean BBQ nor a Mexican Chicken Hof, but a restaurant epitomizing the Korean conception of a Mexican restaurant. This would be the closest I’d come to understanding the logic of the place, and even this loose comprehension was complicated by dessert which was of course sliced watermelon. Wait, fried chicken and watermelon? Is this the result of a Korean’s somewhat racist attempt to appeal to black people? If so, then why did they choose to set up shop in Burnaby? At this point I decided there probably wasn’t an answer to any of these questions and just accepted the place for what it was: crazy.
In closing, I left the place full, and relatively content with the quality and price of the food. I suppose if you were to take each individual element of Mexcian Chicken Hof and look at it by itself, then it seems reasonable enough, but when you put it all together you get one giant barrel of I-don’t-know-what-the-fuck.
Bonus points to whoever comments on their own bizarre dining experience.
The place was recommended to us by a friend who described it as a Korean BBQ. So you can imagine my surprise when we got there and saw the sign proudly declaring it to be a Mexican restaurant. Also, it featured a cartoon chicken gleefully asking us to eat him. Already, before walking through the door, I could tell that this was going to be… special. Once inside, I was overwhelmed by the inconsistency of the décor. It looked like a flea market crossed with my grandpa’s basement and a museum of modern art that was also somehow a restaurant. There were bizarre paintings, tacky souvenirs, half-dead plants, and all manner of odds and ends. In a way, these furnishing suited the restaurant perfectly for the randomness seen all around would be reflected in the food they served.
After being seated, a colourful array of plastic cups was doled out to everybody before pitchers of water were passed around. And by “pitchers” I of course mean various Tupperware containers that might be used to hold cereal, of which no two were alike. This was soon followed by the appetizer: baskets of popcorn. Not any special kind of Korean or Mexican popcorn, but just regular popcorn that you get from a bag. I have nothing against popcorn, and indeed their popcorn tasted fine, but I couldn’t help but feel that none of this made any goddamn sense and I felt strangely uneasy while eating it. Next came the chicken which despite their differences in size and appearance, really only seemed to have two different varieties: deep-fried or spicy red sauce. The deep-fried one also came with honey-mustard sauce that kinda looked like mango pudding. This would be the most coherent part of the whole experience. The next course was corn covered in melted cheese which up until this point I never really thought of as a dish. In fact I still don’t. That being said, it tasted exactly like corn covered in cheese so I guess in that respect it was a success. Once that was all gone, they gave us some chili cheese fries. At this point I realized that we were in neither a Korean BBQ nor a Mexican Chicken Hof, but a restaurant epitomizing the Korean conception of a Mexican restaurant. This would be the closest I’d come to understanding the logic of the place, and even this loose comprehension was complicated by dessert which was of course sliced watermelon. Wait, fried chicken and watermelon? Is this the result of a Korean’s somewhat racist attempt to appeal to black people? If so, then why did they choose to set up shop in Burnaby? At this point I decided there probably wasn’t an answer to any of these questions and just accepted the place for what it was: crazy.
In closing, I left the place full, and relatively content with the quality and price of the food. I suppose if you were to take each individual element of Mexcian Chicken Hof and look at it by itself, then it seems reasonable enough, but when you put it all together you get one giant barrel of I-don’t-know-what-the-fuck.
Bonus points to whoever comments on their own bizarre dining experience.
Friday, October 21, 2011
Action Man Review
My friends and I were browsing through Netflix looking for some random show or movie to watch, as we often do on Friday nights, when we stumbled across a show under the anime section called Action Man. It didn’t really look like something that belonged in that category so we decided to watch an episode to see what it was all about. I shall do my best to relate the madness that followed.
The theme song starts off ordinarily enough with people jumping out of airplanes/tall buildings and/while driving military vehicles. At this point our best guess was that this was some sort of Japanese GI Joe rip-off. But then why would all the heroes be Aryan while the villain and his cronies look vaguely Asiatic? Maybe there’s something we just don’t get about Japanese culture. Then things start to get weird. In the middle of laser-firefight, Action Man comes to a complete halt and then there’s this trippy close-up on his eye like at the end of 2001: A Space Odyssey. In what I’m assuming is a flashback, Action Man is seen jumping around a cabin in the Alps which is being blown up by the villain. Suddenly he’s in a hospital bed with his face being unwrapped since apparently the cure for being in an explosion is plastic surgery. Then he says “Who am I?” in what qualifies as the worst voice acting I have ever heard in an opening sequence. An equally terrible computer voice announces that he has amnesia in case we couldn’t already figure that out. This must have been dubbed over by somebody who didn’t speak English as a first language. But before I can even come to grasp this insanity, they throw me another curve ball. All of a sudden it switches from animation to live action like it’s not even a thing. Live-Action Action Man proceeds to jump into and out of explosions in what I can only imagine is a subconscious attempt to relive the trauma that caused him to lose his memory. The opening sequence then comes to an end and the show begins proper.
My mind still reeling from what I just saw, the show opens with Live-Action Action Man dicking around on a jet ski painfully trying to shoehorn the word “extreme” into every other sentence. I think it may have been a competition by the writers and whoever can fit “extreme” the most times in a single scene doesn’t have to work on the next episode. Amazingly, it still sounds like his voice is dubbed over despite the fact that the actor is clearly white. Maybe it was dubbed into Japanese and then dubbed back? He then proceeds to jump his jet ski through an inferno for no reason other than to look extreme. It may have been more effective if he wasn’t fleeing from a trio of incredibly ineffective and completely non-threatening pajama-clad minions at the time. Suddenly it reverts to animation. And he’s on a space station. Here we meet the rest of his team: a blonde lady who could hardly be understood, an American who looked and talked like a Scotsman, and some useless loser in a wheelchair. His sole purpose in life is to sit at the computer, tell the useful people when trouble is happening, and then go back to doing nothing. For some reason he still travels with them on missions, but while he has to wheel himself down to the ship, the others get to go down the funslide as if to rub it in his face that he’s a cripple who can’t enjoy himself like regular people. Anyway, there’s some story about Professor Murder or whatever his name is acquiring nuclear weapons and must be stopped. Action Man falls into a trap at the hands of a woman who knew him in his past life, and since the rest of his team is completely inept and fail to launch a rescue operation he pretty much has to escape by himself. In the end the woman sort of helps him, they stop the plot, and then she runs away, but Action Man is confident he will see her again in a very extreme way. It then switches back to live-action and we are treated to this scene where Action Man looks inside his memory in this tripping balls scene consisting entirely of terrible CGI and the vain hope that we won’t notice (ie shininess). In this scene we learn absolutely nothing of interest. It then cuts to Action Man breaking character to teach us a life lesson about how it’s okay to make mistakes because extreme. End of episode.
Unsure of what it was I had witnessed I made a cursory search on Wikipedia to learn about this show’s history. It turns out it’s the British equivalent of GI Joe and has absolutely nothing to do with Japan. Somehow this just raised more questions than it answered.
Bonus points to anybody who posts a link to their own favorite terrible show.
The theme song starts off ordinarily enough with people jumping out of airplanes/tall buildings and/while driving military vehicles. At this point our best guess was that this was some sort of Japanese GI Joe rip-off. But then why would all the heroes be Aryan while the villain and his cronies look vaguely Asiatic? Maybe there’s something we just don’t get about Japanese culture. Then things start to get weird. In the middle of laser-firefight, Action Man comes to a complete halt and then there’s this trippy close-up on his eye like at the end of 2001: A Space Odyssey. In what I’m assuming is a flashback, Action Man is seen jumping around a cabin in the Alps which is being blown up by the villain. Suddenly he’s in a hospital bed with his face being unwrapped since apparently the cure for being in an explosion is plastic surgery. Then he says “Who am I?” in what qualifies as the worst voice acting I have ever heard in an opening sequence. An equally terrible computer voice announces that he has amnesia in case we couldn’t already figure that out. This must have been dubbed over by somebody who didn’t speak English as a first language. But before I can even come to grasp this insanity, they throw me another curve ball. All of a sudden it switches from animation to live action like it’s not even a thing. Live-Action Action Man proceeds to jump into and out of explosions in what I can only imagine is a subconscious attempt to relive the trauma that caused him to lose his memory. The opening sequence then comes to an end and the show begins proper.
My mind still reeling from what I just saw, the show opens with Live-Action Action Man dicking around on a jet ski painfully trying to shoehorn the word “extreme” into every other sentence. I think it may have been a competition by the writers and whoever can fit “extreme” the most times in a single scene doesn’t have to work on the next episode. Amazingly, it still sounds like his voice is dubbed over despite the fact that the actor is clearly white. Maybe it was dubbed into Japanese and then dubbed back? He then proceeds to jump his jet ski through an inferno for no reason other than to look extreme. It may have been more effective if he wasn’t fleeing from a trio of incredibly ineffective and completely non-threatening pajama-clad minions at the time. Suddenly it reverts to animation. And he’s on a space station. Here we meet the rest of his team: a blonde lady who could hardly be understood, an American who looked and talked like a Scotsman, and some useless loser in a wheelchair. His sole purpose in life is to sit at the computer, tell the useful people when trouble is happening, and then go back to doing nothing. For some reason he still travels with them on missions, but while he has to wheel himself down to the ship, the others get to go down the funslide as if to rub it in his face that he’s a cripple who can’t enjoy himself like regular people. Anyway, there’s some story about Professor Murder or whatever his name is acquiring nuclear weapons and must be stopped. Action Man falls into a trap at the hands of a woman who knew him in his past life, and since the rest of his team is completely inept and fail to launch a rescue operation he pretty much has to escape by himself. In the end the woman sort of helps him, they stop the plot, and then she runs away, but Action Man is confident he will see her again in a very extreme way. It then switches back to live-action and we are treated to this scene where Action Man looks inside his memory in this tripping balls scene consisting entirely of terrible CGI and the vain hope that we won’t notice (ie shininess). In this scene we learn absolutely nothing of interest. It then cuts to Action Man breaking character to teach us a life lesson about how it’s okay to make mistakes because extreme. End of episode.
Unsure of what it was I had witnessed I made a cursory search on Wikipedia to learn about this show’s history. It turns out it’s the British equivalent of GI Joe and has absolutely nothing to do with Japan. Somehow this just raised more questions than it answered.
Bonus points to anybody who posts a link to their own favorite terrible show.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
DUFF (Designated Ugly Fat Friend)
This little song was inspired by the title/premise of a book a friend of mine was reading. It is meant to be sung to the tune of Van Halen's "Jump".
We’ve been friends, despite our ups and downs.
Right to the end, even though you dress like a clown.
That being said, it’s all a part of your charm.
You look half-dead, I don’t mean you no harm.
Oh, I gotta tell you the truth
I just chill with you to boost my self-esteem
I know that it’s mean.
But I really need
My fat, ugly DUFF. DUFF!
Compared to my DUFF.
I’m really hot stuff. DUFF!
Oh, I love my DUFF.
Haa-oww! Hey you! Don’t be like that.
I know it’s cruel.
You say I’m shallow, yet you don’t know
How you always drool.
So, I gotta tell you the truth
That whenever we go out to hit the scene
I make you stand next to me
So that I seem pretty
Compared to my DUFF. DUFF!
My fat, ugly DUFF.
Oh, I love my DUFF. DUFF!
I’m really hot stuff.
We’ve been friends, despite our ups and downs.
Right to the end, even though you dress like a clown.
That being said, it’s all a part of your charm.
You look half-dead, I don’t mean you no harm.
Oh, I gotta tell you the truth
I just chill with you to boost my self-esteem
I know that it’s mean.
But I really need
My fat, ugly DUFF. DUFF!
Compared to my DUFF.
I’m really hot stuff. DUFF!
Oh, I love my DUFF.
Haa-oww! Hey you! Don’t be like that.
I know it’s cruel.
You say I’m shallow, yet you don’t know
How you always drool.
So, I gotta tell you the truth
That whenever we go out to hit the scene
I make you stand next to me
So that I seem pretty
Compared to my DUFF. DUFF!
My fat, ugly DUFF.
Oh, I love my DUFF. DUFF!
I’m really hot stuff.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
My Favourite Characters from 8 TV Shows I Watched this Summer
The summer break is over and we’re all back in school, and looking back at the past few months I realized I did jack all other than play video games and watch TV. Since I figure none of you want to hear about how I pwned that nub in TF2, I’ll take about the latter instead. So here are my favourite characters from the shows I watched this summer and why I love them so.
Dr. Gaius Baltar/No. 6 from Battlestar Galactica (Season 1)
At the start of the season I thought No.6 was a psycho bitch and Baltar an apologetic scumbag, but as the series progressed these two (who I’m putting together because No. 6 can normally only be seen by Baltar and appears to live inside his head. It’s kinda messed up) became increasingly fascinating. No. 6’s religious sensibilities are juxtaposed with Baltar’s scientific mind and together they struggle to understand their place in the universe. It’s never certain if you can trust either of them, or how interested they are in saving the human race, but the interactions of this odd couple are intriguing, and oftentimes somehow hilarious.
Jayne Cobb from Firefly
On a ship full of lovable, roguish misfits, Jayne perhaps best exemplifies all three of those qualities. He’s the closest anyone on the serenity comes to being a hardened criminal and in the end is mostly only looking out for himself, but he’s too stupid to be a serious threat which makes him all the more endearing. At times he does redeem himself and demonstrate some loyalty, but I like him best when he’s just being a dumb asshole. He’s hilarious, he’s none to bright, he tries to do the right thing in his own strange way, and he’s got a big-ass gun called Vera. He’s Jayne Cobb and I love him.
Dr. John Watson from Sherlock
The new BBC modern re-imagining of Sherlock Holmes is quite well done, but when it comes down to choosing a favourite character you really only have two options: Holmes or Watson. Though undoubtedly a fascinating, clever, and entertaining character, I have always found Sherlock to be a bit too much like a robot to form an emotional connection with, so I always lean towards his slower though more relatable companion. Holmes will always be Holmes, but Watson shows more capacity for change as he tries to move on with his life upon returning from the war, and finds some meaning and a purpose through his roommate. I also find that I tend to gravitate towards the voice of reason in any book/movie/TV show, and although Sherlock is supposed to be the smart one, I find that Watson tends to fill that role more often than not whenever Sherlock gets carried away with a case.
Tyrion Lannister from Game of Thrones
There are many great characters in George R.R. Martin’s fantasy series such as Jon Snow or Arya Stark, and most all of them are well-rounded without falling too deeply into the categories of pure hero or evil villain, but Tyrion is without a doubt the funniest and most ambiguous of them all. Due to his dwarfism and ugliness, very few characters like or trust him and most think him a craven. Ironically he turns out to be one of the most noble and bravest characters on the show who tries to do the right thing even if it might put him in harms way, though will adopt an “ends justify the means policy” if he must and is not above manipulating people to serve his purposes. On top of his cleverness, he also has a very sharp tongue and many of the best lines in the first season can be attributed to him with many more to come in those to follow.
Harold Weir from Freaks and Geeks
This is another tough show to choose a favourite character from since they’re all pretty cool despite being freaks and geeks, but I’m going to have to go with the paternal figure of Harold Weir played by Joe Flaherty. He’s portrayed as your typical television dad, but due to the massive generational gap between him and his children, he comes off more as a buffoon than the wise, all-knowing father figure of Leave it to Beaver. It’s pretty clear that he doesn’t really get his kids and resorts to silly threats and ridiculous stories to keep them in line. That being said, he does his best to keep them happy and cares about his children, but he understands sporting goods better than he understands them. The end result is a funny and endearing character who is simultaneously a parody of and homage to the sitcom father of old.
The Zen Bear from Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
It never says a word at any point in the series and has no relevance to any of the plots or characters, yet somehow The Zen Bear represents the heart of what makes Harvey Birdman what it is: sheer randomness and absurdity. It pops up at the oddest times, normally in the background, standing upright and always smiling. Nobody questions why there is a bipedal bear running around a major law firm. And why should they? It does no harm. It just exists and is content. Nothing about it makes any sense, but with The Zen Bear, it doesn’t have to.
Annie Edison from Community
There are many reasons why Annie is my favourite character. One reason is that Alison Brie is hot. Another is that she plays Trudy on Mad Men, one my favourite shows ever. But mostly it’s because she’s hot. Also, she’s a decent human being who cares the most about other’s people’s feelings and maintaining friendship. And as those who know me can tell you, friendship is very important to me. It doesn’t hurt that she has a head on her shoulders and I think she knows a lot more about how to bend people to her will than she lets on. She’s learning what it takes to make it in the world, and luckily she wants to use that knowledge to help people.
The Feminist Bookstore Ladies from Portlandia
It can be hard to pick a favourite character from a sketch comedy series since most only appear once or twice, but in Portlandia’s case I had to go with the bizarre duo who run a feminist bookshop (though the mayor of Portland is a close second). Part of the reason why I like them probably has to do with the fact that my older sister is a feminist and I enjoy jokes made at her expense. And in this instance the joke is hilarious. The two ladies are incredibly pretentious, almost as much as they are incapable of being helpful to customers. Whenever somebody walks in, they spend most of the time standing behind the counter being useless while verbally accosting the patron which culminates in the woman played by Fred Armisen in drag making an absurd and disturbing threat. It’s wonderful.
Bonus points to whoever has seen at least one episode from all of these shows.
Dr. Gaius Baltar/No. 6 from Battlestar Galactica (Season 1)
At the start of the season I thought No.6 was a psycho bitch and Baltar an apologetic scumbag, but as the series progressed these two (who I’m putting together because No. 6 can normally only be seen by Baltar and appears to live inside his head. It’s kinda messed up) became increasingly fascinating. No. 6’s religious sensibilities are juxtaposed with Baltar’s scientific mind and together they struggle to understand their place in the universe. It’s never certain if you can trust either of them, or how interested they are in saving the human race, but the interactions of this odd couple are intriguing, and oftentimes somehow hilarious.
Jayne Cobb from Firefly
On a ship full of lovable, roguish misfits, Jayne perhaps best exemplifies all three of those qualities. He’s the closest anyone on the serenity comes to being a hardened criminal and in the end is mostly only looking out for himself, but he’s too stupid to be a serious threat which makes him all the more endearing. At times he does redeem himself and demonstrate some loyalty, but I like him best when he’s just being a dumb asshole. He’s hilarious, he’s none to bright, he tries to do the right thing in his own strange way, and he’s got a big-ass gun called Vera. He’s Jayne Cobb and I love him.
Dr. John Watson from Sherlock
The new BBC modern re-imagining of Sherlock Holmes is quite well done, but when it comes down to choosing a favourite character you really only have two options: Holmes or Watson. Though undoubtedly a fascinating, clever, and entertaining character, I have always found Sherlock to be a bit too much like a robot to form an emotional connection with, so I always lean towards his slower though more relatable companion. Holmes will always be Holmes, but Watson shows more capacity for change as he tries to move on with his life upon returning from the war, and finds some meaning and a purpose through his roommate. I also find that I tend to gravitate towards the voice of reason in any book/movie/TV show, and although Sherlock is supposed to be the smart one, I find that Watson tends to fill that role more often than not whenever Sherlock gets carried away with a case.
Tyrion Lannister from Game of Thrones
There are many great characters in George R.R. Martin’s fantasy series such as Jon Snow or Arya Stark, and most all of them are well-rounded without falling too deeply into the categories of pure hero or evil villain, but Tyrion is without a doubt the funniest and most ambiguous of them all. Due to his dwarfism and ugliness, very few characters like or trust him and most think him a craven. Ironically he turns out to be one of the most noble and bravest characters on the show who tries to do the right thing even if it might put him in harms way, though will adopt an “ends justify the means policy” if he must and is not above manipulating people to serve his purposes. On top of his cleverness, he also has a very sharp tongue and many of the best lines in the first season can be attributed to him with many more to come in those to follow.
Harold Weir from Freaks and Geeks
This is another tough show to choose a favourite character from since they’re all pretty cool despite being freaks and geeks, but I’m going to have to go with the paternal figure of Harold Weir played by Joe Flaherty. He’s portrayed as your typical television dad, but due to the massive generational gap between him and his children, he comes off more as a buffoon than the wise, all-knowing father figure of Leave it to Beaver. It’s pretty clear that he doesn’t really get his kids and resorts to silly threats and ridiculous stories to keep them in line. That being said, he does his best to keep them happy and cares about his children, but he understands sporting goods better than he understands them. The end result is a funny and endearing character who is simultaneously a parody of and homage to the sitcom father of old.
The Zen Bear from Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
It never says a word at any point in the series and has no relevance to any of the plots or characters, yet somehow The Zen Bear represents the heart of what makes Harvey Birdman what it is: sheer randomness and absurdity. It pops up at the oddest times, normally in the background, standing upright and always smiling. Nobody questions why there is a bipedal bear running around a major law firm. And why should they? It does no harm. It just exists and is content. Nothing about it makes any sense, but with The Zen Bear, it doesn’t have to.
Annie Edison from Community
There are many reasons why Annie is my favourite character. One reason is that Alison Brie is hot. Another is that she plays Trudy on Mad Men, one my favourite shows ever. But mostly it’s because she’s hot. Also, she’s a decent human being who cares the most about other’s people’s feelings and maintaining friendship. And as those who know me can tell you, friendship is very important to me. It doesn’t hurt that she has a head on her shoulders and I think she knows a lot more about how to bend people to her will than she lets on. She’s learning what it takes to make it in the world, and luckily she wants to use that knowledge to help people.
The Feminist Bookstore Ladies from Portlandia
It can be hard to pick a favourite character from a sketch comedy series since most only appear once or twice, but in Portlandia’s case I had to go with the bizarre duo who run a feminist bookshop (though the mayor of Portland is a close second). Part of the reason why I like them probably has to do with the fact that my older sister is a feminist and I enjoy jokes made at her expense. And in this instance the joke is hilarious. The two ladies are incredibly pretentious, almost as much as they are incapable of being helpful to customers. Whenever somebody walks in, they spend most of the time standing behind the counter being useless while verbally accosting the patron which culminates in the woman played by Fred Armisen in drag making an absurd and disturbing threat. It’s wonderful.
Bonus points to whoever has seen at least one episode from all of these shows.
Monday, August 29, 2011
A Piece of PAX
I headed down to the city of Seattle,
To claim for myself a piece of PAX.
They herded us into endless lines like cattle,
With nary a moment to relax.
There was so much to see, so much to do,
And so much standing in hour-long queues.
Despite the waits, all were high in morale,
With devs presenting and fans filled with cheers,
Plus helpful enforcers and plenty of pals,
Made for an invigorating atmosphere.
Many came as their favourite characters, complete with blades,
And one came as a cross-dressing, black, male maid.
Come night we made for PC Freeplay
To satisfy our lust for friendship and fun.
In TF2 I play as Heavy to blow my foes away.
I take twisted joy in dismembering zombies with guns.
We cycle in and out, playing games into the morning hours.
By the time we leave we are completely out of power.
Day two begins with a battle of wits,
To see who has what it takes to win at Dominion.
After some ups and downs I place fifth,
Which isn’t too bad in my opinion.
One lesson I leaned and I learned it hard,
I really fucking hate the Witch card.
At this point I had a difficult choice to make:
To attend the Skyrim panel and perhaps gain some loot,
Or watch Gabe, Tycho, Wil, and Scott play a D&D game.
I went to the latter with no regrets, it was a hoot.
There were so many nerd references I couldn’t keep track.
And the jokes kept flowing in an endless attack.
On the last day I awoke early and rushed to the hall
To reserve my spot in line and be first to play Guild Wars 2.
When the doors opened I sped through the thrall
To play my asura thief at the ArenaNet booth.
With pistols in hand I brought down all in my path,
And holy shit this game kicks all sorts of ass.
The final hours of PAX were upon us like lightning.
We stormed through the expo hall snatching up all we saw.
We played demos, entered raffles, shirts and hats were flying,
And as I watch this chaos my mind gnaws
On all the swag left unclaimed,
And all the games left unplayed.
As I sit at the border upon my return
Waiting for customs in the final line,
I think back fondly on what I have earned
From that fun-filled exposition of mine.
Though now it seems a hectic dream,
I long for the peace of PAX Prima.
To claim for myself a piece of PAX.
They herded us into endless lines like cattle,
With nary a moment to relax.
There was so much to see, so much to do,
And so much standing in hour-long queues.
Despite the waits, all were high in morale,
With devs presenting and fans filled with cheers,
Plus helpful enforcers and plenty of pals,
Made for an invigorating atmosphere.
Many came as their favourite characters, complete with blades,
And one came as a cross-dressing, black, male maid.
Come night we made for PC Freeplay
To satisfy our lust for friendship and fun.
In TF2 I play as Heavy to blow my foes away.
I take twisted joy in dismembering zombies with guns.
We cycle in and out, playing games into the morning hours.
By the time we leave we are completely out of power.
Day two begins with a battle of wits,
To see who has what it takes to win at Dominion.
After some ups and downs I place fifth,
Which isn’t too bad in my opinion.
One lesson I leaned and I learned it hard,
I really fucking hate the Witch card.
At this point I had a difficult choice to make:
To attend the Skyrim panel and perhaps gain some loot,
Or watch Gabe, Tycho, Wil, and Scott play a D&D game.
I went to the latter with no regrets, it was a hoot.
There were so many nerd references I couldn’t keep track.
And the jokes kept flowing in an endless attack.
On the last day I awoke early and rushed to the hall
To reserve my spot in line and be first to play Guild Wars 2.
When the doors opened I sped through the thrall
To play my asura thief at the ArenaNet booth.
With pistols in hand I brought down all in my path,
And holy shit this game kicks all sorts of ass.
The final hours of PAX were upon us like lightning.
We stormed through the expo hall snatching up all we saw.
We played demos, entered raffles, shirts and hats were flying,
And as I watch this chaos my mind gnaws
On all the swag left unclaimed,
And all the games left unplayed.
As I sit at the border upon my return
Waiting for customs in the final line,
I think back fondly on what I have earned
From that fun-filled exposition of mine.
Though now it seems a hectic dream,
I long for the peace of PAX Prima.
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