A Review of the 1st 5 Seconds of Ponies doing Musicals

About a week or so ago I discovered this video through a friend’s Facebook feed. All I had to go on was the title, “Ponies doing Musicals” and a picture of a pair of colourful ponies that resemble the popular toy for young girls, My Little Pony. Based solely on that, I should have known better than to click on it, but curiosity got the better of me and I clicked it anyway. I don’t know what I was thinking. Perhaps I thought that it was a Robot Chicken clip, or some amateur stop-motion animation set to showtunes. Whatever the case may be, I clicked on it and five seconds later I closed the window, put my head in my hands, and sobbed uncontrollably for ten minutes. Though I have linked the video to some friends to confirm that what I had seen was in fact real, I myself have not given it a second viewing for what I hope are clear reasons. In an effort to expel the memory of this traumatic experience from my head, I have decided to record my thoughts and feelings surrounding those five seconds in intimate detail, with the hope that writing it down will get it all out my system. So, here goes nothing.

The first thing I notice is the colour pink. There is not a single aspect of the background or foreground that doesn’t have some element of pink to it. They covered the set in bright lights so you can clearly see how pink everything is. Standing in the middle of all this pink is a pony with a flowing pink mane, a matching tail and closed eyes. God, I hate it. I hate every little detail about it. I hate that pink heart on its hoof and that glittery heart on its rear. I hate its tiny, ineffectual wings. I hate how it has eyelashes. But what I hate most of all is that stupid expression on its face. In an effort to distract myself, I focus on the objects around the pony. The table behind it seems to hold a bottle of wine and an incredibly fake and needlessly large ice cream sundae. The tablecloth is pink. Its way too sugarcoated. What’s in the background? Fluffy pink clouds surrounding a pink tower covered in a bush filled with pink flowers. This is beginning to look like a five-year olds rendition of Romeo and Juliet. Oh, shit! Did that pony’s eyes just open? It’s turning to face me. I cannot help but stare into the hollow emptiness of those black, black eyes. Oh, God. The music is picking up. That thing is gonna sing, isn’t it? Yes, yes it is, or at the very least a recording will play that is poorly synched to the movement of its lips. The only thing that could save this video now is if that animatronic abomination topples over and catches fire. And that’s when it begins to move forward, and I realize that that isn’t a robot. In the front half of that monstrosity is a living, breathing actress who probably wishes she hadn’t turned down that minor role in a community theatre production of Oklahoma!. But before I can even wrap my mind around this startling fact when it breaks out the most terrifying equestrian dance move I have yet witnessed. The thing puts one foot forward, closes it eyes, and shakes its head in a way that must be seen to truly appreciate just how chilling it is. I know that its supposed to be a pony, but that does nothing to stop it from diving headfirst into the uncanny valley. At this point, I can’t take it anymore. The second it finishes saying, “And I’m telling you,” I shut down that window and pray for the mental well-being of my friend who apparently “liked” it. I’ll never know what it is that thing was going to tell me just as I’ll never know why this musical exists and what masochistic parent would love their daughter so much as to sit through an hour or more of this sheer agony just to make her happy. Long after I close the window, the images still linger in my mind, and a small voice keeps repeating over and over again, “the horror! The horror!”

Bonus points to whoever can sit through this video the longest. I have no way to verify if you're telling me the truth, so I'll just give you the benefit of the doubt.