Monday, June 14, 2010

Why Zach is the Greatest

So I have this friend named Zach, and he's a pretty special guy. He's provided me with more heart laughs than the combined efforts of Woody Allen and Mel Brooks. The twist is Zach does this unintentionally. He's one of the funniest guys I know and he doesn't even try to be. Here are some of his more memorable moments.

I'd rape her for nothing!

One night the guys were all together and Mannu was asking Zach hypothetical questions. And like all of Mannu's hypothetical questions, they involved determining how much money Zach would need to be paid in order to perform base and disgusting sexual acts. The question was, "Would you rape your mother for a million dollars?" The answer is quoted above in bold, the first of many times that Zach would say something incriminating without realizing it.

Good job Zach!

That 4/20 Gang must be pretty big, I see their graffiti all over town.

We were on a camping trip, just sitting around the fire discussing the recent increase in gang violence when Zach made this winning observation. At this point I realized just how sheltered Zach's existence had been. I don't know what I found more surprising, the fact that he didn't know what 4/20 was, or the fact that he thought violent organized crime syndicates concern themselves with petty crimes of vandalism. However, 4/20 is probably the tamest of all the uncomfortable subjects we've had to explain to Zach over the years which includes, but is not limited to: special brownies, rimjobs, golden showers, and of course premature ejaculation. Some of the things on that list you're better off no knowing, but I still don't understand how one person can get to 19 years of age and not know half of that stuff.

Zach, at his most manly.

Milk me Snake-Eyes, milk me!

Yeah, this one was just weird. I was offering people some milk when Zach enthusiastically shouted this at me. I cannot even begin to fathom the thought processes that led to him to decide this was the right thing to say. How do you not understand the implications of that sentence? More importantly, why would anyone want to say that regardless of whether or not they understood its meaning? A normal human being would have just said, "Yes please, I'd like some milk," but I guess Zach is just special like that.

Zach, in a rare moment of knowing when to keep his mouth shut.

Oh no my cat just died. That's ok, I'll just dance my problems away.

Zach spouted this odd line while playing Cranium. He was tasked with impersonating Shirley Temple, but unfortunately all he knew about Ms. Temple was derived from an episode of The Simpsons that spoofed her. So, in a pathetic attempt to imitate an 8-year old girl he spread his legs apart, brought his knees in together, flailed his arms about wildly, and screeched the above line in the most high-pitched voice he could muster. I believe it was at this exact moment that Zach gave up on dignity. To add insult to injury, it was his birthday.

I am a champion!

Because that never happened!

This one takes a bit of explaining, but trust me when I say that this is the greatest Zach moment of all time, and one that he'll never live down. So we were playing the fun party game, What?. For those of you unfamiliar with the game, I am too lazy to explain it to you, just look it up on Anyway, Zach was the judge and the question was, "What would you do if you won three million dollars in the lottery," and Taylor wrote down, "Make Zach have sex with a baby duck." Zach chose this answer as the one he'd read out but he changed "baby duck" to "jakalope." When Taylor asked him why he didn't read it out properly Zach responded, "Because that never happened." I then proceeded to laugh harder than I've ever laughed in my entire life, even harder than when I first saw the elevator scene in Revolver or the flower shop scene in The Room. My friend since grade 8 had just admitted to fucking a fictional animal. I still can't fucking believe it happened. Apparently it was a reference to one of Mannu's hypothetical question, but it doesn't matter now. The damage is done. And that's why Zach is the greatest ever.

Best friends forever, right Zach?

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