Arrested Development Drinking Game

I made this for a Season 4 marathon party without having seen it prior so although this should work well for the original series run, I'm not sure how applicable this all is to the new episodes on Netflix. I look forward to finding out.

Rules

Everybody chooses one (or more if you wish) character to be for the duration of the game.

Follow the drinking rules listed beneath your chosen character.

Ignore the rules of any unused character.

When a rule tells you to give a drink to a character give the drink to whoever is playing that character. If that character is not in play then do nothing.

Everyone follows the “Family” and “Spotting” rules.

Ignore the “Recurring Characters (RC)” rules unless one is added to your character.

Drinks given can be divided between players unless otherwise specified.

Buster

Greetings: When Buster says “Hey______” give a drink to who he’s greeting.

I’m a Monster: When someone is afraid of Buster’s hook give them a drink and take one.

Do you Have to do that Now?: When Buster is doing something inappropriate just off-screen take a drink for each character irritated by his behavior.

Milford Man: Give out 3 drinks when Buster is neither seen nor heard for a whole episode.

Don’t Mind the Hook: When Buster gives somebody a massage give a drink.

Charlie Browns: When Buster uses some sort of euphemism in place of swearing or mentioning a sexual organ come up with your own euphemism for the same word or take a drink.

Sleepy Baby: When Buster yawns in the middle of a sentence take 3 to fill the gap.

Happy Juice: When Buster craves juice chug a juice box then chase it with a drink.

Baby Buster: When Buster says something to suggest he still thinks of himself as a little boy chug a glass of milk then chase it with a drink.

Bad Genes: When somebody mentions Buster’s hole in his heart or misshapen penis remove a rule from another character to compensate. Give them a drink if they’re also missing a body part.

George Sr.

No touching!: When somebody yells this phrase take a drink if another player touches you.

Signal: When George Sr. howls like a wolf run outside and do your best howl or take a drink.

Sorry, Nellie: When George Sr. treats a puppet/doll like a real person take 3 to cover-up the crazy.

Caged Wisdom: When George Sr. has a religious awakening give a drink to everyone in the room who does not share his new-found faith.

Escape Plan: When George Sr. tries to escape give 2 if he succeeds. Otherwise take 2.

He Likes the Honey: When George Sr. ogles a young woman give a girl in the room a drink.

My Last Lesson: When a one-armed man teaches somebody a lesson teach somebody a lesson by making them drink 3.

Lesson Learned: When somebody leaves a note give a drink to that character.

There’s Always Money in the Banana Stand: When someone or something is found hiding behind a wall take 3 drinks and give 3 drinks for the loss to your family. 

Hey Uncle: When George Sr. wears a wig fool another player by giving them a rule from the RC list.

Gob

Always Upright: Take a drink when Gob rides in on a segway

The Only One Crying: When Gob cries like a little girl remove a rule from another player and make them taste your tears or a drink if they refuse.

Great Escape: Take a drink when Gob swallows a key. Give one when he regurgitates a key.

Lighter Fluid Spill: When Gob screws up a magic trick an illusion drink one with no hands.

What a Whore Does for Money: When Gob corrects somebody for calling his illusions magic tricks give a drink to whoever he corrects.

Sleight of Hand: When Gob tries to steal Michael’s food find and eat whatever it was he took or take a drink.

I fucked ­_________: When Gob brags about having sex with somebody give everyone a round.

That Hand is for Coin Tricks: When Gob punches with his right hand finish your drink. The left hand is for punching.

Cirsumvrent: When Gob can’t form a proper sentence/mispronounces a word recite a tongue twister and take a drink for every word you screw up.

What a Show: When “The Final Countdown” is played drink until it’s over.

George Michael

Afternoon Delight: When George Michael tries to kiss Maeby take one if he fails or give one if he succeeds. Wait, maybe that should be the other way around…

Careless Whisper: When somebody notes that George Michael’s name is shared with the singer finish your drink.

Got Rhythm: When George Michael tries to be a percussionist give 2 if someone takes him seriously. Otherwise take 2.

Honesty: When George Michael is misunderstood by his father give a drink to someone who just doesn’t understand you.

Star Wars Kid: When an embarrassing video of George Michael plays drink for the duration.

I Thought you were Nice: When George Michael makes fun of a family member take 5 drinks.

Made in Japan: When a jetpack is used give out 3 drinks because jet packs are awesome.

Duck: When George Michael avoids something thrown at him give a drink to the thrower.

Egg: When Ann Veal is referred to by another name or simply as “Her?” take a shame drink.

Mr. Manager: When The Banana Stand is destroyed take a rule from another player to help pay for a new one. Give them 4 drinks if you remove one that makes them drink.

Maeby

You Look 13: When Maeby asks someone to marry her do the same with someone in the party and both of you take a drink to celebrate the nuptials.

Negative Attention: When Maeby does something wild to get her parents’ attention do something wild that will astound the party or finish your drink.

Surely you can’t be Serious: When Maeby pulls off a con that people somehow believe play a trick on another player by giving them a rule from the RC list.

Maybe Maeby: When a play on words is used with Maeby’s name give a drink to anyone who doesn’t notice it.

Convenience Factor: When Maeby gets a freebie the next time you would take a drink you give one instead.

To Portugal: When it becomes evident Maeby does not pay attention in school take a drink for future regrets unless you can correct her mistake.

Not Actually Related: When Maeby reciprocates George-Michael’s feelings give a drink to anyone in the party who is disturbed by their relationship and doesn’t want them to get together.

Losing It: When Steve Holt says his own name swoon and take a drink.

Showbiz Part I: When a joke is made at Fox’s expense take 3 drinks for bad memories.

Showbiz Part II: When a joke is made relating to Netflix give 3 drinks for sunny days ahead.

Tobias

You can Zink your Arrow in my Buttocks: When it’s implied Tobias is gay take a drink.

At Least I’m Not the Only One: When it’s implied Barry Zuckerkorn is gay give a drink.

Never-nude: When Tobias walks around in cutoffs give a drink to whoever sees him.

Phrasing: When somebody reads The Man inside Me give 3 in celebration of success.

Missed Call: When Tobias loses out on an acting gig take 3 in sorrow.

Good Grief: When Tobias cries in the shower drink for the duration of the scene in solidarity.

I Just Blue Myself: When Tobias wears a ridiculous costume/women’s clothing add a rule from the RC list to any other character even though the only person you’re fooling is yourself.

Cat-like Agility: When Tobias moves around by rolling/pouncing/crawling out of strange places surprise one player with 2 drinks.

Big Break: When Tobias is hospitalized take a drink for everyone who comes to visit or finish your drink if nobody comes.

Money Well Spent: When Carl Weathers dispenses some money-saving advice dispense one drink to yourself for the money wasted and one to another player for the money saved.

Lindsay

How Hard Can it Be?: When Lindsay desperately tries to seduce a man take a drink for each failed seduction and 2 for each success.

Daddy’s Little Girl: When Lindsay wears her “Slut” shirt take a drink for each man who ogles her or finish your drink if no one does.

HOOP: When Lindsay supports a silly cause explain why an RC rule is important for the betterment of society then give it to another player.

Beak: When it’s mentioned that Lindsay had a nosejob give a drink to who said it and take one.

It’s Over: Give 3 drinks when Lindsay threatens to divorce Tobias.

One Last Shot: Take 3 drinks when Lindsay reconciles with Tobias.

You Get What You Need: When Lindsay wants what she can’t have enjoy a glass of your favorite beverage. Just kidding. You can’t have that. Take a spoonful of cough syrup.

What Will I Look Like: When a mock-up is image appears of what two characters’ baby might look like give those characters 2 drinks each or if they’re not in the game then 2 to any player.

No Way to Misinterpret That: When Bob Loblaw wants someone to be explicit tell the raciest joke you know or take 5.

Calling it Like I See it: When filming is happening for Girls with Low Self-Esteem give out a drink for each pair of breasts that are flashed in self-righteous fury.

Lucille

The Help: When Lucille makes a racist comment take a drink for each person she offended.

She’s in Rehab: When Lucille drinks alcohol you also drink one. Good luck.

Suggestive: When Lucille winks, wink at a player meaning they should take 2 drinks.

She Doesn’t Like the Honey: When Lucille’s rape horn is blown give a guy in the room a drink.

Motherboy: When Lucille gets a little too uncomfortable with Buster both take a drink to repress the dirty thoughts.

That Bitch!: When Lucille 2 has a vertigo attack make another player take a drink and then spin around 10 times really fast.

The Hugest Mistake I Ever Made: When Oscar mysteriously suggests he is Buster’s father take 3 drinks to forget that regretful night.

You’re Drunk!: When Lucille is accused of being drunk take one if you are still sober. Otherwise give one.

I do not much Care for Gob: When Lucille voices her displeasure with Gob give a drink to whoever displeases you the most.

I Like it Better on Him: When Lucille mocks Lindsay’s appearance remove a rule from another player and insult them in the process. Give them a drink if it’s deemed witty.

Michael

A Shoddy Workman Blames His Tools: When Michael hurts his hand take 3 stupid.

Hypocrisy: When Michael says one thing and then does the exact opposite a few seconds later announce that alcohol is bad and should be drunken in moderation then take one.

I Need a Favor: Give a drink to whoever asks Michael for a favor.

To Phoenix: When Michael threatens to abandon his family give 5 if he actually goes through with it. Otherwise take 5.

Mr. Niceguy: Give an RC rule to another player when Michael says something that implies he is a murderer.

I Don’t Want to Believe: Take 2 when Michael fails to see an obvious truth.

And That’s When he Realized: Give 2 when Michael finally sees an obvious truth.

Sibling Rivalry: When Michael gets into a physical fight with Gob then have a drinking contest with the player of Gob. First one out gives the other a buck (or an agreed upon amount).

Comfort Food: When Michael eats candy beans to comfort himself down a fistful of Jelly Bellies with a drink to comfort yourself. It will definitely make you feel better.

Messy Divorce: When somebody makes a tasteless comment about Michael’s deceased wife make yourself feel better by giving 3.

Recurring Characters (RC)

I Wish it Was The Last Time: When Kitty flashes her tits take 5 to drown out the horror.

Hello: When Annyong says his name (either of them) take 2.

That Had to Hurt: When cops are overzealous in their enforcement of the law take a vodka shot.

Sheeple: When Bluth company employees are incompetent take 3 in exasperation.

Rest Stop: When someone states that Barry is very good take a shot of Limoncello.

Imagine If: When a Wayne Jarvis’ dramatic gesture is foiled take 4 upside-down.

He’s All Right When a doctor makes a misleading statement lean back and swallow. Your drink that is. Finish your drink.

Give me some Sugar: When Franklin knocks somebody out with a kiss take a shot of SL

Some Columbian: When Marta reappears played by a new actress take a tequila shot.

Multi-Purpose Dancers: When the Hot Cops arrive on the scene take a shot of Fireball Whiskey.

Family

Whenever…

A Bluth fails to use a hammer the player of that character must crush a beer can on their head.

The Bluths put on a party the whole party takes a drink.

Somebody does a chicken dance you must also do a chicken dance or finish your drink.

Somebody makes a huge mistake the player of that character takes 3.

An incest joke is made do nothing. I don’t want you to die of alcohol poisoning.

Somebody eats an ice cream sandwich also eat an ice cream sandwich. Yum!

A Bluth misunderstands Spanish then the player of that character gives a drink.

The stair car gets a hop-on everybody must hop to their feet. The last to do so takes 3.

The model home completely falls apart then everybody finishes their drink.

Something is unnecessarily censored everyone must cover their drink. Last one takes one.

Spotting

When you are the first to spot…give a drink.

A Blendin truck

A Cloudmir sign

Mr. Bananagrabber

Someone holding a “Freedom” sign

An unrelated sign in the background that reflects what is going on in the scene

A reused banner

A reference to a film/tv show/etc involving a cast member (including the narrator)

An Iraq War reference

The For British eyes only/ Mr. F theme

The “Big Yellow Joint” theme

I realize this may be a bit much for some people so feel free to cut out rules as your group sees fit.

Game of Thrones Season 1 Summary

This is for the benefit of a friend who wants to marathon season 2 with us without having seen the first season. Hopefully it should give her all relevant information so she won't be totally in the dark.

Setting:

- The show is primarily set on the continent of Westeros which is roughly the size of South America. A small portion of it also takes place on a large eastern continent across the sea.

- It is a medieval fantasy world though magic and mythical creatures such as dragons have all but disappeared from the world at the start of the series. A few pockets of magic still exist however, and as the series progresses it slowly returns with greater force.

- Society essentially has a feudal structure with a king at the top, greater lords beneath him, lesser lords beneath them followed by landed knights with peasants at the bottom.

Before the Series Begins:

- For about 300 years Westeros is ruled by a line of kings known as the Targaryen Dynasty.

- The last Targaryen king, known as Mad King Arys, became crazy and violent causing several powerful lords to rise up in rebellion against him. Chief amoung them were: Robert Baratheon, Ned Stark, Jon Arryn, and at the very end of the war Tywin Lannister.

- The rebels eventually win and kill all the Targaryens except for baby Dany and her brother who escape into exile on the eastern continent.

- Robert Baratheon becomes the new king and marries Tywin’s daughter, Cersei, to solidify his rule. Jon Arryn becomes his chief advisor, and Ned Stark returns to his home, Winterfell.

- The series begins 17 years after these events.

On the Wall:

- In the far north of Westeros there is a massive ice wall that spans the width of the continent at a narrow point. This wall was built thousands of years ago to keep out whatever threats may try to come across to attack the kingdom.

- It is manned by an organization known as The Night’s Watch. Once they were proud and strong, but have since fallen into disrepair with an ever-shrinking number of recruits and crumbling castles.

- For most of their history they were tasked with keeping out the Wildlings (aka Eskimo Barbarians), but their original purpose was to keep out the White Walkers; a deadly race of ice necromancers who raise the dead and bring a terrible cold with them wherever they go.

- The White Walkers disappeared from the world so long ago that most believe they are only a legend, but at the start of the series it becomes apparent that they have returned.

- Ned Stark’s bastard son, Jon Snow, decides to join the Night’s Watch as he has little other prospects in life and believes it will be a respectable and adventurous vocation.

- Once there he makes some friends and a few enemies and eventually becomes the squire to the Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch.

- They learn that the Eskimo barbarians are amassing an army and that the White Walkers have almost certainly returned.

- The Lord Commander decides to lead out a large squadron to find out what the Eskimo barbarians are up to and to learn more about the White Walkers.

Across the Sea in the East:

- Dany’s brother greatly desires to reclaim the throne of Westeros, but lacks an army.

- To remedy this he decides to marry Dany to a powerful Mongolian Warlord in exchange for his military support.

- At the wedding Dany receives three dragon eggs which are looked upon as little more than valuable jewels as nobody has been able to hatch a dragon egg for hundreds of years. Dany, however feels a mysterious connection to them which builds over time.

- Although things are awkward at first, Dany and the Warlord eventually come to love one another and Dany becomes increasingly assertive of her power much to her brother’s chagrin.

- Her brother dies epically.

- After some routine raping and pillaging, the Warlord takes a flesh wound which he tries to shrug off. Dany is worried and decides it will be a good idea to have a Witch Doctor from the village they just raped and pillaged to tend to his wound.

- The Warlord dies and his army quickly disperses leaving Dany mostly alone.

- She builds a funeral pyre for her husband, ties the Witch Doctor to it, and walks into the flames with her dragon eggs.

- In the morning the dragon eggs have hatched and Dany is unscathed.

In Winterfell and The Capital:

- At the start of the series, Jon Arryn, the King’s Chief Advisor, dies under mysterious circumstances. Needing a new Chief Advisor, Robert Baratheon travels to north to Winterfell to ask his old friend, Ned Stark, to take the job.

- He comes with a large retinue which includes his wife (Cersei), his eldest son (Joffrey Baratheon), one of his bodyguards who is also the twin brother of the queen (Jaime Lannister), and their dwarf brother (Tyrion Lannister).

- Plans are made to have Joffrey marry Ned’s eldest daughter, Sansa, when they come of age.

- Ned Stark’s 10-year old son, Bran Stark likes to climb the battlements of Winterfell. One day while climbing an abandoned tower he hears a strange noise. When he looks inside he sees Jamie Lannister having sex with his twin sister, Queen Cersei. Jaime sees Bran and pushes him out the window to protect their incestuous affair.

- Bran goes into a coma. While he’s still unconscious, Ned Stark leaves Winterfell for the capital and his new job with his daughters, Sansa and Arya. His wife, Catelyn stays in Winterfell to care for Bran while his eldest son, Robb, takes charge of day to day affairs.

- While still in a coma, an assassination attempt is made on Bran’s life by an assailant using a unique dagger. The assassin is killed by Bran’s pet direwolf (btw all the Stark children including Jon Snow have pet direwolves).

- Catelyn suspects the Lannisters, and decides to take the dagger south to the capital to show to Ned so they can plan their next move.

- When Bran eventually regains consciousness he cannot remember anything that happened before he fell and he is paralyzed from the waist down.

- Upon arriving in the capital, Ned immediately sets about trying to uncover why Jon Arryn died

- He learns that shortly before his death, Jon Arryn had taken to visiting King Robert’s many bastard children, but Ned can’t figure out why.

- Catelyn shows up with the dagger and they are told by her old friend and current finance minister, Littlefinger, that it belongs to Tyrion Lannister.

- Catelyn travels back to Winterfell and on her way north she happens to meet Tyrion in an inn.

- Catelyn takes Tyrion prisoner which pisses off his father, Tywin Lannister, who amasses his army in response.

- Ned eventually figures out that Jon Arryn had discovered that King Robert’s children aren’t actually his, but Jaime’s. Ned assumes that Queen Cersei learned of this and had Jon Arryn killed before he could reveal her secret.

- Ned sends a letter to King Robert’s younger brother, Stannis, informing him of the truth and that he is now the rightful heir to the throne.

- King Robert's youngest brother, Renly, also knows the truth but wants the throne for himself. He discreetly heads south to gather support for his bid to the crown.

- Knowing that King Robert will kill Cersei and her children when he finds out, Ned speaks to Cersei and advises her to flee the capital and go into exile before he tells Robert the truth.

- Instead Cersei has Robert killed before he learns of the truth, buys off the city guard, has Ned thrown in prison, sets up Joffrey as king, and establishes herself as regent.

- All the men Ned brought down with him are killed, Sansa Stark is kept under guard in the castle, and Arya Stark manages to escape and disguises herself as a street urchin.

- This pisses off Robb Stark who amasses his army and marches south to confront the Lannisters.

- Tyrion, meanwhile, uses his wits to escape Catelyn’s clutches and meets up with his father.

- The Lannister and Stark forces fight a few battles with Robb Stark winning pretty decisively and taking Jaime Lannister captive which gives him a bargaining chip for his father, Ned Stark.

- Unfortunately, King Joffrey is an idiot and executes Ned Stark.

- Arya escapes the capital by pretending to be a recruit for The Night’s Watch.

- Disgusted with King Joffrey, Robb Stark’s army declares Robb “King of the North” and decide to separate from the kingdom.

- Tired of Cersei and Joffrey being retarded, Tywin Lannister sends Tyrion to the capital to act as the Chief Advisor and keep things under control.

Here's a flowchart I made detailing mostly all of the major characters from the first season and how they relate to one another. 

The Amityville Horror (1979) Review

Last night, after sitting around talking about dicks for three hours while occasionally standing up to hand out candy to trick-or-treaters, my friends and I decided that we should watch a horror movie on TV seeing as how it was Halloween and all. There were two movie that were just about to start when we sat down with some pizza: The Rocky Horror Picture Show and the original Amityville Horror with Josh Brolin's dad, James Brolin. For some reason we went the latter even though, shockingly, none of us have ever seen Rocky Horror (something to do with it being on Much Music which is a shitty channel that would ruin it somehow). By the end of the movie I was fairly certain that Rocky Horror would have been significantly scarier, though perhaps not as hilarious.

The first sign that maybe this movie wouldn't live up to the last word of its title was the PG rating that appeared in the corner. The second indication was the excruciatingly annoying music that I can't fucking get out of my head. The story begins on a dark and stormy night and only gets more cliche from there. I'm not going to go too deep into the story. Suffice to say its about a young family that moves into a haunted murder house and start to go crazy. You can probably figure out most of what happens from that brief summary alone. The only real surprise is that nobody dies, and that's not necessarily a welcome twist. There's also a subplot involving a priest that never amounts to anything, and a subplot that follows a cop that similarly goes nowhere. The movie climaxes with the family slowly walking down a flight of stairs while blood drips from the walls, and then they get in their car and leave. That's it. Evidently their budget ran out before they could give the movie a proper ending and tie all the various threads together.

There isn't really much you can say about the characters. The mother is religious. The daughter is creepy. The sons exist. The father looks like a hobo and acts like one too. Its also revealed that he is not actually the father of the children, but not until three quarters of the way through the movie and its almost entirely irrelevant to the plot. Like most characters in a horror movie, they are also retarded. Despite all the batshit crazy stuff that happens in the house they refuse to leave, and seem to have amnesia when it comes to all the horrible things that happen. And its not like they didn't know about the house's checkered past. At the start of the movie the mother and father are discussing the murders that occurred in the house, and they recognize that its a major reason why the its so cheap. Characters constantly come in and tell them that the house is cursed, but they just dismiss it as irrational. At one point they literally find the portal to Hell in their basement, and they still decide to stay another three days. The best part is they try to cover it up with an old mattress. Because that will keep the demons at bay.

The most intelligent character in the movie appears to be the family dog who is the only one who seems to recognize the serious threat to personal safety having the portal to Hell in the basement presents. My friends and I invented this alternate story where Dog is the main character and spends the whole movie fighting back Satan and his demons while simultaneously dealing with the bullshit of theh his masters. At the end of the movie he's doing battle with Satan in the basement when the father comes to "rescue" him and take him away with the rest of the family only to fall into a pool of blood. This pisses the shit out of Dog, because now he has to save his useless master while trying to keep Satan at bay. I imagine him barking in dog language, "Holy fuck man, seriously? I got bigger things to worry about than saving your sorry ass! Goddamn noob weighing me down!" I am fairly confident that this would make a far more rewarding and entertaining cinematic experience.

As for scares, there aren't any, not even jump scares. Other than the aforementioned blood, what passes for scares are such spooky occurrences as doors or windows that open and close on their own, chandeliers that shake a bit, and rocking chairs that move with nobody in them. The Wishbone Halloween episode is genuinely more terrifying than this. The film tries to be creepy with the daughter who befriends the ghost of an infant murder victim, but that sort of thing has been so many times and to much greater effect in other movies. So even if you don't care about plot or character and are looking purely for chills and nightmare fodder, then this movie has very little to offer.

In conclusion: 2/10

Guild Wars 2 PvE Review: A Fanboy's Perspective

If you're wondering why I haven't made a post in a hella long time, one major reason is the recent release of Guild Wars 2 which has eaten up quite a bit of my free time. To say I've been looking forward to this game is a bit of an understatement. In most areas it has lived up to or even exceeded my expectations, though there are a few places in which I've been a bit disappointed. Like Obama and his "change," Guild Wars 2 doesn't quite live up to all the hype of being a revolutionary, greatest game of all time, but it already ranks as one of my favorites and one that I'll be playing for years to come. I haven't had much of a chance to look into World vs. World or structured PvP, but here are my thoughts on the PvE game.

My level 80 asura Necromancer with Rata Sum in the background

Personal Story
As the name implies, the personal story is your primary source of plot for the game and is essentially solo content. Originally I wasn't too excited about this aspect of the game, but after playing through most of it, the personal story is one of my favorite parts of Guild Wars 2. It's fun, well-written, and has worthwhile rewards in addition to plenty of cool characters. In some respects however, it doesn't completely live up to expectations assuming you've been following this game since it was announced. When you first create your character you are faced with a number of story options to make which will, supposedly, make your story completely different from somebody who makes other choices. To some extent this is true, you will have different story steps in the beginning, but these stories appear to have very little, if any impact on the primary story of the game or the choices you make further down the line. These creation questions mostly just determine which early game sub-plots you'll see. Just as these early storylines are forgotten so is the Home Instance which was touted earlier on in development as a place that will change along with your story. Considering its your home, you visit it rather rarely and not at all once you reach level 25 or so, and other than a few NPCs added every now and then who stand around not doing anything, it doesn't really change either. I think Arenanet may have missed out on a golden opportunity to make a space for players to customize and that they can truly call their home. But as it stands, all of the sub-plots and the main story are thoroughly enjoyable so I don't have much trouble seeing past these minor discrepancies.

This is the most interesting thing I could find in my home instance

Events
Events are the bread and butter of the game and what you'll probably spend most of your time doing if you're a PvE focused player. These are what I was most looking forward to about the game, and I'm pleased to say that, with the exception of a few buggy events here and there, they have met my expectations. They are buckets of fun and feel so natural that I forgot about the traditional MMO questing system within moments after I started playing. A lot of hours can be spent following an event chain or wandering between events across the map with nary a dull moment. Its also pretty amazing to see just how quickly and easily random people come together and work as a team to complete more challenging events which really helps the world come alive. When alone however, it can often become apparent that the majority of events aren't designed for one player to complete by themselves regardless of whether or not it is designated as a Group Event which can be frustrating. Luckily, with the already massive popularity of this game, you'll very rarely find yourself in this situation and fun times are had for all.

One of the more memorable events sees a group of us chasing after a jakalope

Exploration
When events aren't running or you feel like a change of pace you'll find Tyria one of the more rewarding online worlds to explore. For starters, its beautiful with varied locales and unique set pieces. You can also find plenty of lore tidbits (and many references to the original game) scattered around by interacting with books, plaques, or NPCs if you're into that sort of thing. If you're looking for a challenge you may find one of the games many hidden jumping puzzles which reward you with an achievement and some loot at the end. If you don't really care for beauty, lore, or challenges and are one of those min/max types then you'll get all valuable experience simply by visiting all the vistas, points of interest, waypoints, and skill challenges on a map, earning yourself some useful gear to boot. You'll also have to fill in renown hearts, however, which are pretty much just traditional quests without the exclamation mark. Most will have you running around killing monsters in a given area to fill in a bar which can be a real chore if there aren't any events running nearby. Thankfully there are normally multiple ways to fill in a heart and while most are forgettable, there are a few that can actually turn out to be quite memorable. Once you reach the later areas of the game, the hearts disappear entirely, but it is also at this point that in order to explore and not get ganked by hordes of undead, you need a group of people with you. This is when exploration can become something of an aggravating chore, and instead of feeling a sense of accomplishment for getting to that hard to reach vista, the predominating emotion is relief for finally having it over and done with. Nevertheless, Tyria is an explorers paradise and a worthwhile use of your time and effort.

This vista from Divinity's Reach is one of the most popular, and for good reason

Dungeons
For me, dungeons are the best part about Guild Wars 2 which feature the most enjoyable and challenging content. While the free-for-all that are dynamic events is all fun and good, I find I get more pleasure from the more structured dungeons where communication between party members is key. Every encounter in a dungeon is fun and often unique, and the boss fights are a blast. Upon finally reaching the end, the sense of completion and success is enough reward in and of itself regardless of what the loot chest contains. On the subject of loot, I feel Arenanet may have backpeddaled a little bit on their promise of not having to grind the same dungeon over and over to get the gear you want. Although you do get the gear via tokens earned from the dungeon, and the tokens are guaranteed to drop at the end, you only get appear to get a fraction of what you need for a single piece, meaning you'll still have to repeat the dungeon over and over again if you want that awesome looking armor. On the plus side, it is in dungeons where the lack of a holy trinity in Guild Wars 2 is at its most liberating. Not having to wait on a healer or tank makes forming groups a breeze and once in the dungeon their absence isn't even noted.

One of the more interesting armor sets in the game and it will only cost you 1380 tokens 

Other Thoughts
- Combat is fun, fluid, immersive, and rewarding when you do it right
- The professions and their associated skills/traits all feel distinct and are fun to experiment with
- When you receive mail, a little bird flies to your character to deliver it which is a nice little flourish
- Lots of small conveniences like being able to deposit materials into the bank from anywhere
- Crafting is actually pretty fun
- The emotes in this game are fantastic

This image of a norn dancing makes me absurdly happy

And just for kicks here's a picture of asura children (aka progeny):

Game of Thrones Characters

Here is my rankings of all the major (and some minor) characters in Game of Thrones. So long as you've watched season 2 or have read Clash of Kings there won't be any spoilers. 

1. Tyrion Lannister – This probably won’t come as much of a surprise. He’s funny, smart, and plays by his own moral code. I think Martin knew he had a winner when he created this character, and I look forward to seeing where his crazy journey takes him to next.

2. Jaime Lannister – If you only watch the show or haven’t read any books after the second one then you’re probably questioning why I put Jaime at #2. Without spoiling anything let me just say that despite his propensity towards incest, Jaime does have a moral code and is more keenly aware of the hypocrisy inherent to the power structures of Westeros than any other character. He’s a rebel who’s trying to simultaneously fight against and work within the system.

3. Daenerys Targaryen – Despite being a bit whinier in the HBO show, and trying too hard to be the good guy in later books, Daenerys is easily the most interesting woman in the series, but I wish she’d hurry up and get to Westeros already. 

4. Jon Snow – Jon Snow has to make a lot of very difficult decisions despite his young age, and although he may not always make the right call, he does his best to do what’s right which is a hell of a lot more than most others can say.

5. Arya Stark – Although Arya gets progressively angrier as the series goes on, she still retains her fighting spirit and a place as one of my personal favorites.

6. Brienne of Tarth – Stronger and more honourable than the vast majority of knights, Brienne is one of the most compelling women in the series and I hope she manages to find happiness one day.

7. Dolorous Edd Tollett – Everything this character says is genius.

8. Davos Seaworth – I have a thing for noble characters who everybody else treats like dirt, and that pretty much describes Davos in a nutshell.

9. Jorah Mormont – He may at first appear noble and upright, but when you get down to it, Jorah is one of the more morally ambiguous characters which is precisely why I like him.

10. Varys “The Spider” – In the war between Varys and Littlefinger that runs in the background throughout the series, I’ve thrown my lot behind Team Varys because despite his secretive ways I do believe he has the best interests of the realm at heart.

11. Stannis Baratheon – Some may consider Stannis too rigid and unwilling to compromise, but these qualities are what make him so fascinating to me. I’ll admit that he’d probably be a terrible king, but he’s a great character.

12. Tywin Lannister – What he lacks in fatherhood material, Tywin more than makes up for in being perhaps the most cunning man in all Westeros.

13. Ned Stark – Ned is noble to a fault and his death remains as one of the most emotional highpoints of the series.

14. Podrick Payne – I’m not entirely sure why, but I have a real soft spot for Pod. I think it’s because of his quiet dignity and unwavering loyalty.

15. Brynden “The Blackfish” Tully – The fact that they cut him from the show makes me sadder than all of the other changes combined.

16. Walder Frey – Though there are plenty of good reasons not to like this guy, I still find him hilariously entertaining.

17. Tormund Giantsbane – Har! Har! Har!

18. Meera Reed – Bran would be dead a thousand times over if it wasn’t for Meera and assuming both survive the series they’ll probably get together.

19. Robb Stark – Apart from one very stupid decision, Robb is one of the best characters who’s point of view we never see.

20. Bronn – For a sellsword, Bronn is pretty loyal guy and also pretty clever.

21. Osha – She’s probably cooler in the show than the books where she doesn’t play as major a role, but I like her nonetheless.

22. Greatjon Umber – It’s hard not to like this guy.

23. Asha Greyjoy – Easily the smartest and best of the Greyjoys.

24. Arianne Martell – This girl is one to watch.

25. Jeor Mormont – He’s like a more badass version of Santa Claus.

26. Ygritte – You should listen to Ygritte, Jon. She knows more than you.

27. Khal Drogo – One word: boss.

28. Doran Martell – The best part about Doran is that nobody realizes just how scared of him they should be.

29. Barristan Selmy – One of the few knights who actually lives up to the job.

30. Shagga and the Mountain Men – These guys always make me laugh.

31. Grenn/Pyp – These two have a good comedy routine going on.

32. Quorin Halfhand – All around a pretty cool guy.

33. Jaqen H’Gar – For a cold-blooded professional murderer, this guy is alright.

34. Donal Noye – I don’t want to spoil anything, but this guy may just do the most badass thing out of anybody in the series.

35. Val – Wilding women are so much cooler than Wildling men.

36. Gendry – Some people seem to have this fantasy of Gendry and Arya getting together, and although I like him, I don’t really see that happening.

37. Mya Stone – I like Mya and I hope she plays a larger role in later books.

38. Oberyn “The Red Viper” Martell – Best nickname in the series.

39. The Sand Snakes – Each more deadly than the last. The Martells are pretty badass.

40. Olenna “The Queen of Thorns” Redwyne – She definitely has a fitting nickname and is pretty much the grandma who says whatever she feels like because she’s old goddammit!

41. Garlan Tyrell – He may not do much, but Garlan the Gallant lives up to his name and is one of the most decent men in the books.

42. Margery Tyrell – A triple threat of beautiful, charming, and clever.

43. Bran Stark – Despite being crippled, Bran may just become one of the most powerful beings in Westeros if he can ever get over his insecurities.

44. Sandor “The Hound” Clegane – He’s one of the best killers in Westeros and also has more honour than most knights, though he doesn’t like to let people know that.

45. Roose Bolton – Roose is not a very nice man and will do whatever it takes to ensure the most efficient and beneficial outcome even if that means murder. I may not approve of his methods, but can appreciate his desire for some peace and quiet.

46. Theon Greyjoy – I know a lot of people really don’t like Theon, but I can see where he’s coming from and sympathize with his conflicting loyalties.

47. Daenerys’ Entourage – They’re all pretty boss in their own way, but you can’t really say much about them individually.

48. Sansa Stark – She starts off really stupid and annoying, but gets better as the series progresses.

49. Mance Rayder – He’s a clever man to say the least, and that’s something I can appreciate.

50. Maester Luwin – Luwin is the ultimate mentor figure in the series and has one of the most touching death scenes.

51. Yoren – He’s smelly and crass, but he has his own brand of nobility.

52. Maester Aemon – Aemon has one of the coolest backstories out of any character.

53. Rodrick Cassel – A loyal man with boss facial hair.

54. Sam Tarly – He’s smart and has a good heart, but his prissiness does get tiresome at times.

55. Griff – I’m not sure what to make of him yet, but he seems cool.

56. Kevan Lannister – He’s pretty much the Lannister equivalent to Victarion Greyjoy, but earns bonus points for telling off Cersei.

57. Renly Baratheon – His death pretty much comes out of nowhere, and you never really get to know him, but I guess he’s alright.

58. Patchface – He may seem like a mental patient, but it has been suggested that Patchface holds dark secrets. For starters there’s the matter of how he drowned before washing up on shore. Then there are his little rhymes which seem to predict the future. Finally, there’s the fact that Melisandre is scared of him which does not bode well.

59. Shireen Baratheon – She may not seem all that important, but there are hints that due to her grayscale as a baby, she may play a major role down then line.

60. Melisandre – I’m still not entirely sure if I should trust her or not, but either way she’s an enigmatic character.

61. Jojen Reed – Jojen is kinda weird, but I suppose that’s forgivable when you know how/when you’ll die.

62. Benjen Stark – I have theories regarding what happened to Benjen, but shall refrain from voicing them for spoiler reasons.

63. Ilyn Payne – This guy knows a lot of secrets and may know things that even Varys doesn’t, but he ain’t talking anytime soon.

64. The Three-Eyed Crow – Overall, a creepy…thing, but he seems to be looking out for the good guys.

65. Beric Dondarrion/Thoros of Myr – The Brotherhood Without Banners is an interesting organization to say the least, mostly thanks to these two.

66. Vargo Hoat – He may be cruel, but he’s also pretty funny due to his lisp.

67. Tommen Baratheon – A nice boy, but not the ideal for royalty.

68. Wyman Manderly – He may be fat, but it turns out he’s actually pretty smart.

69. Euron “Crows Eye” Greyjoy – I don’t know what his endgame is, but I know it’s not going to be good.

70. Myrcella Baratheon – She hasn’t really done much yet, but shows greater promise than her mother.

71. Qyburn – He’s pretty much the mad scientist of the series.

72. Quaithe – She’s pretty mysterious, but seems to know what she’s talking about.

73. Ramsay Bolton – If you think Joffrey is bad then you haven’t seen anything yet. Ramsay is pretty much an officially sanctioned serial killer, and even his own dad (Roose) finds his cruelties excessive, yet for some reason I like him better.

74. Robert Baratheon – Pretty much a Westerosi fratboy. He may be a great warrior, but he is a less than ideal king and father.

75. Petyr “Littlefinger” Baelish – I can’t think of a character that I trust less.

76. Shae – The worst mistake Tyrion ever made.

77. Aeron Greyjoy – All this guy has going for him is a head full of crazy.

78. Cersei Lannister – She may be a horrible person, but reading her chapters are a joy just to watch her fail harder than your mind will allow you to comprehend.

79. Edmure Tully – He means well, but is still pretty foolish.

80. Loras Tyrell – He means well, but is still pretty foolish.

81. Rattleshirt – Beyond looking badass he doesn’t really do much.

82. Gilly – In book 4 she does something very disgusting.

83. Hot Pie – You know you suck when you’re nickname is “Hot Pie”.

84. Victarion Greyjoy – A more boring version of his older brother.

85. Daario Naharis ­­– Quite possibly the worst decision Daenerys ever made

86. Illyrio Mopatis –.The portrait of gluttony and greed.

87. Young Griff – I don’t think this guy is who he thinks he is.

88. Hizdhar zo Loraq – Does anybody trust this guy?

89. Dontos Hollard – A cowardly, drunken fool who borders on pedophilia.

90. Boros Blount – A fat, useless turd.

91. The Kettleblacks – It turns out being a lackey runs in the family.

92. Xaro Xhoan Daxos – This guy is a pompous phony.

93. Mace Tyrell – He’s pretty much just a big windbag.

94. Areo Hotah – Hello, I have no personality and part of my job is not to think. Would like to read about my view on the world?

95. Quentyn Martell – He comes from my favorite family in Westeros yet has the lamest, most disappointing story.

96. Arys Oakheart – I have no idea why Martin thought this guy deserved his own chapter.

97. Randyll Tarly - One of the top three contenders for Worst Father in Westeros.

98. Lancel Lannister – Lancel can’t do anything right.

99. Alliser Thorne – Little more than a big, mean jerk.

100. Gregor “The Mountain” Clegane – Dumb muscle 1

101. Amory Lorch – Dumb muscle 2

102. The Tickler/Weese/Dunsen/Polliver – The dumb muscles of the dumb muscles.

103. Grandmaester Pycelle – The toadiest toady of them all.

104. Janos Slynt – It’s hard to see the good side of a man who murders babies without a second thought.

105. Balon Greyjoy – Part of the reason why I dislike Balon is because he’s a terrible father who has trapped his sonly son in a Catch-22. The main reason, however, is because of his completely idiotic plan to invade the North. It’s a bad idea in so many ways, but I won’t get into it here.

106. Viserys Targaryen – A right royal prick like Joffrey, but without a crown to back it up.

107. Lysa/Robert Arryn – These two are really, really, really creepy.

108. Craster – It’s hard to sympathize with a man who has sex with all his daughters.

109. Joffrey Baratheon – A right royal prick.

110. Catelyn Stark – The story of Catelyn’s life is an endless parade of bad decisions. She has a tendency to trust the wrong people (Littlefinger) while vehemently disliking goodhearted people (Jon and Tyrion). She does a lot of silly things which cost a lot of people very dearly, and she only gets bitchier/more psycho as the series progresses.

Honourable Mention: Hodor – Hodor!

Bonus points to whoever can tell me what is most wrong with this list.

Lumberjack Show

Yesterday was Canada Day, and in celebration a group of us headed to Vancouver in search of fun and entertaining events to instill in us a sense of patriotism. After a few hours of wandering around finding nothing but activities and shows aimed at 7-year-olds and promotions for local businesses, we eventually came across a lumberjack show outside of Canada Place. Granted, the show also appears to have been directed at 7-year-olds, this does not excuse it from how truly awful it was. I can safely say that I have never seen a worse live performance in all my life and I once saw a high school production of Treasure Island where one of the actors was reading directly off of a script that he was holding the entire time. Much like that play, the lumberjack show was embarrassing and cringe-inducing for everyone involved with the added negative of being fundamentally retarded.

The show begins with the host attempting to pump up the crowd which is mostly comprised of Canadians so it fails dismally. Next he introduces four men in overalls and plaid shirts all of which have their arms ripped off. Two of them have beards and are a bit flabby while the other two are more strapping and may have formerly been male strippers. Within five minutes it becomes apparent that none of the men on stage can act, and that spending all that time in the forest has robbed all of them of any sense of comedy. To be fair to the lumberjacks, they were pretty good at handling a saw, throwing axes, climbing poles, and other such feats, but for every one minute of feats of strength and lumberjacking skill there are at least ten minutes of them making horrible non-jokes and awkward silence from the audience. Their humour came in two forms: misinterpreting what the host was saying, and attempting to cheat. An example of the first type would involve the host saying something like “we have a red team and a green team so let’s split the audience in half,” and then one of the lumberjacks would charge forward with a chainsaw. The host would ask him what he was doing and he’d reply “you said to split the audience in half!” The second type of “joke” would typically involve the red team trying to get a head start on one of the challenges while the host wasn’t looking (like sawing part way through a log before the timer starts) and then acting like nothing had happened. Essentially, they repeated these two jokes over and over again at least once each between each challenge in the vain hope that it might eventually become funny. I’m assuming they were operating under the logic that if nobody laughs the first time it must be because they didn’t get it, so you have to say it again every five minutes until they do. If this is the case then I’d like to inform them that we did in fact get it, but their jokes just suck. All they succeed in doing is making young children cry and ask their parents where all the joy in the world went.

I think the highlight (or anti-highlight if you will) of the show came when they invited two young girls from the audience up on stage to participate. One was a local, but the other was from Mexico. Upon announcing this, a sense of shame rippled through all Canadians in the audience at the knowledge that somebody from outside the country was not only a witness, but actually a part of this terrible display. A few more awful jokes were made, the girls sawed through a log with help from two of the lumberjacks, and the Mexican girl won and was given a souvenir mini wooden chair as a prize. This could have been the end of it, but the host had other, creepier plans in mind. The 50-year-old host pulled the runner-up aside and told that as a consolation prize she would get him. He then proceeded to put his arm around her shoulder and make comments such as “I wish you were older,” and “I like a woman who does what she’s told,” while the audience laughed nervously. I’m pretty sure the girl would have run screaming if he wasn’t holding her hand so tight. This was the only time they attempted a joke that wasn’t a repetition of the two mentioned above, and I never thought I’d say this, but I wish they hadn’t tried branching out.

After they finally let her flee with another miniature chair, I really just wanted to leave, but we stuck around to see the log rolling competition which we thought would be the last part of the show. It turns out we were wrong and that they had devised even more ways to rob the world of all mirth and goodwill. We left anyways because if we stayed any longer I’m pretty sure we would have lost all sense of national pride and identity. As we were walking away a friend who is almost always in a good mood turned to me with a sorrowful look and said, “I tried so hard to enjoy that. So hard. But I just couldn’t.” I cannot think of more fitting words to end this post. 

The Kevin Rey Trivia Game

My good friend, Kevin, is getting married next week and his bachelor party is tonight. I thought it would be nice to make a trivia game about all the embarrassing things he's done in his life. A lot of these are inside jokes, but I'm sure you can all find something to appreciate. 

1. What is Kevin’s middle name? Martin

2. What is the 5^th letter of the alphabet? F

3. When did Kevin start dating Sandy? Grade 9

4. What ethnicity do we say Kevin is? Mexican

5. What ethnicity is he actually? Peruvian

6. What did Kevin’s dad say when questioned on whether they were Mexican or Peruvian? “Same difference.”

7. True of false: Kevin is the Nazgul? True

8. What is Kevin allergic too? Peanuts

9. Peanut oil is a common ingredient in cuisine from what Southeast Asian country formerly known as Siam?      Thailand

10. Who carried Kevin all the way back to the hotel in San Francisco when he ate Thai food? Justin Casol

11. Which of the following excuses has NOT been used by Kevin to bail on his friends: A. Saxophone shopping, B. Regatta, C. Dinner with parents, D. Too busy doing the Mexican Hat Dance?  D

12. Again, which of the following excuses has NOT been used by Kevin to bail on his friends: A. Bible camp, B. He actually hates us, C. He was sleepy, D. Had to go let Mike in to his apartment?  B

13. Name any two of the women Kevin has been accused of having a secret affair with. Marissa, Veronica, Joyce

14. What did the ring Kevin wore on shoe symbolize? Abstinence

15. What is Kevin studying at SFU? Molecular Biology

16. Kevin held what position in the SFU BGC until it became apparent he was awful at it? Vice President

17. What martial art is Kevin currently interested in? Kendo

18. What is the name of Kevin’s mom? Mrs. Rey

19. What board game is Kevin the worst at?  Settlers of Catan

20. What board game is Kevin the best at?  Puerto Rico

21. What is Kevin’s favorite brand of chips?  Doritos

22. Name three of the four languages Kevin speaks.    English, French, Spanish, Japanese

23. Who was Kevin’s favorite Chem 12 teacher?  Mr. Wade

24. Has Kevin ever knocked over or broken something in your house?  Probably

25. What denomination of Christianity is Kevin?   Baptist I think

26. What was the name of the movie Kevin tried to make in high school?  Elder Dragons

27. What is Kevin’s favorite outdoor activity?  Canoeing/Kayaking

28. What was the purpose to the speech Kevin gave at the hotel last PAX?  None

29. Why were people mad at Kevin last PAX?  Hotel problems

30. What did Mike say that made Kevin fall over laughing when we played Settlers of Catan at his house?         I love sixes because first I get wood, and then I have an oregasm!

31. What did Kevin do in the middle of a French presentation for no reason? Dance

32. Who is Kevin’s only high school friend he has never been mad at? Taylor

33. What movie do Tristan and Kevin often argue about?   Transformers

34. What word does Mannu frequently use to describe Kevin?  Smug

35. When did Damian and Kevin meet? Grade 1

36. True or false: Zach thought Kevin was really cool in Grade 8 Gym class? False

37. How many times have we been to Kevin’s house?  Maybe 5

38. Has anyone here ever seen Kevin kiss Sandy?   Probably not

39. What is Kevin’s preferred race in Warhammer?   Lizardmen

40. What table-top RPG did Kevin sometimes moderate?  Call of Cthulu

41. What was the name of Kevin’s main in World of Warcraft?  Inca

42. Why did Kevin lose interest in Game of Thrones?    Ned died

43. What major plot point did Kevin not realize when first reading Watchmen?  The Comedian is Laurie’s father

44. Where are Kevin and Sandy going for their honeymoon?  Mexico

45. In how many different places has Kevin lived since high school?   Three

46. What is Kevin’s favorite thing in the whole wide world?  Explosions

47. Why did Kevin originally not want to play paintball?  Fear of projectiles

48. What is the capital of Peru? Lima

49. Is Kevin gonna get smashed tonight? Yes

50. Will we ever see Kevin again after the wedding?  No