A Semi-Fictionalized First-Hand Account of the 2011 Vancouver Riot

So a couple of friends and I headed downtown yesterday to watch the game on the street. We decided to stay even after it seemed pretty clear that the Canucks were going to lose and that the crowd was becoming increasingly unruly. What followed was incredibly retarded.

"Shit guys! We're down three-nothing going into the third period. You wanna hit the road?" I, the perennial bandwagoner, asked.

"Dude, have faith. We still have twenty minutes to tie it up and push it into overtime," reassured the delusional, but obscenely tall Damian.

"Go, Canucks! Go!" shouted Dana who was perched on Damian's back so she could see the screen. He would have complained about the damage it was doing to his back, but Damian is a man, so instead all he said was that she's heavier than she looks.

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure people are chanting 'Fuck Boston' now. I don't think anybody shares your positive attitude. People seem more interested in that guy risking his life trying to touch the stoplight than they do in the game."

"Well, it is significantly more entertaining."

"Fine, but the second this game is over let's meet up with the others and get out of here."

So, about 45 minutes later, the Canucks lost the game and we slowly made our way through the crowd towards the bar our friends were watching the game at. Apparently they were having a lot of trouble paying the bill and were taking a long time to come out. We stood around moping for a while until we noticed that there was a rather large fire blazing outside the post office near the big screen. Despite my belief that it was fundamentally a bad idea to head towards the inferno, Dana and Damian charged off anyway to have a better look. I followed and stood with Dana on a nearby truck while she recorded it on her cellphone. Damian, as stated earlier, is ginormous and has no need to climb on top of things for a better view. It seemed that some hooligans had overturned and set fire to a car and were now taking turns posing in front of it.

"Yep, this is definitely retarded," I pointed out even though it was definitely unnecessary to do so.

A fire truck appeared on the scene shortly and eventually managed to push aside the masses so it could get close enough to extinguish the flames. For about ten minutes it looked as though the Great 2011 Riot may have ended then and there, but I forgot to take into account who drunk and stupid people can be. At this point Zach, Taylor, Mannu, and Mannu's UVic friend, Caitlin, emerged from the bar and joined us. Zach and Mannu seemed sober enough, but Taylor was flailing and stumbling about all over the place while Caitlin was crying and kept wandering off. At this point I thought it would be a good time to leave, but Mannu wanted to go to some afterparty, and Taylor really, really, really wanted to get a hold of his bff Jade whom he had just met that day and was apparently responsible for 6 of the 16-18 drinks he'd had. According to Zach he had tried to rip a menu in half and tear his shirt off, apparently in a rage over the Canucks. All of these plans, however, went out the window when we saw that a second blaze had started near the first one. This time I didn't even bother trying to stop them from rushing over. Now it was a pick-up truck they had flipped and burned while a group of rioters stood on the burnt out husked of their previous victim. The firemen were still there, but they didn't seem too interested in putting out these flames. I figured that was a bad sign. Soon riot police were visible while Dana tried jumping on our backs and conveniently placed step-ladder to get a better look. We heard a loud bang coming from the truck which elicited wild cheers from the crowd.

"Woooooo!" cheered a shitfaced Taylor.

"Dammit, Taylor! No! This is not the kind of thing you should be applauding."

"I dunno wahts goin' on."

"It's a riot, Taylor."

"Woooooo!"

"Hey guys, where did Mannu and Caitlin go?" asked a concerned Zach.

"Oh Caitlin wandered off again and Mannu went looking for her," answered Damian nonchalantly.

"Dammit guys! Now is not the time to start splitting up!"

More bangs led to more cheers until it became apparent that most of the bangs were now coming from the riot police who were slowly moving forward while firing off flash-bangs, pepper spray, and cans of tear gas. Some rioters ran past alternately clutching their ears and eyes. The crowd started streaming backwards until we were no longer 100 feet from the action, but right up front. Some of the police were on horseback, which I didn't even know they did for anything other than ceremonial purposes, so I guess I learned something. We were behind some of those blue fences which the rioters began to knock over. One started to fall on top of Zach, but he made it out without a scrape.

By now, Mannu had returned with Caitlin and we figured that it would be a good idea to move back. We made our way out until I noticed Dana was not with us. She was still standing right up front taking pictures. I grabbed her by the hood and pulled her back, because I had had just about enough of this bullshit. The rioters were now picking up the fences they'd knocked over and were using them as ineffective shields/weapons while people standing above outside the Queen Elizabeth theatre started throwing plants down. I'm not really sure why, but at this point I don't think anybody had a clear idea of why they were doing what they were doing. One rioter ran off shouting about how much he hates "the system" and it took all the power I had not to shout "I throw it on the ground! Because I'm an adult!" at him. In case it wasn't already clear from the beginning, by now it was obvious that this uprising had nothing to do with hockey and was more about being crazy just because they can.

"Isn't this awesome guys!" exclaimed a bewilderingly excited Mannu as a clod of dirt whizzed over his head. "Riots are fucking intense!"

"Fantastic. Now let's get out of here."

"But dude, I don't want to miss anything. They've lit like four fires! Who knows what will happen next!"

"Exactly. I don't want to be around here if and when people start throwing punches."

Some brave Vancouverites were trying to get the rioters to back off and stop being morons. For his efforts one of them was punched in the face by a rioter. Some people surged forward, but quickly backed off when the police fired some more shots.

"Dude! Did you see that!"

"I sure did. Now let's go."

As we made our way towards the nearest Skytrain station, the riot squad made a huge push which almost seemed to disperse the crowd, but then a couple rioters found a pair of cop cars in a parking lot across from the QE. They immediately set to trashing them and turning them on their side.

"Guys, I'm gonna hop over this fence for a better look," cried Mannu who did just that before anybody could stop him. Much to my disappointment, Zach and Damian followed suit. Also, we'd lost Dana. Eventually, the mindless destruction lost it's novelty and everybody regrouped. We headed off towards the Stadium-Chinatown Skytrain station. We all laid down on some grass to gather ourselves as the rioters let the squad cars on fire behind us.

"Let's go guys," said Zach, and we all got up and hopped on a train to Waterfront for a quick Subway run.

"Man guys, you know how there are people who chase after tornadoes and storms. Well I wanna be like that except I chase after riots," mused an increasingly annoying Mannu. I didn't really care if he was joking or being serious, he was being a retarded bastard and I didn't feel like indulging him. We ate our sandwiches at Waterfront while hearing various reports and rumours about how things had gotten worse after we left, the riot had spread, looting had begun, more fires were lit, and some people had suffered serious injuries. Other than Mannu and Damian, none of us were particularly interested in investigating the veracity of what we'd heard. After eating we got back on the Skytrain and went home.

In conclusion, a small group of hooligans made Canucks fans in particular (and by extension all of Vancouver and most of BC) as well as Canadians in general look really bad while most people just looked on. Some cheered, others were ashamed, and many just wanted to record the spectacle. In any case, that one night pretty much canceled out everything the Olympics had accomplished in terms of city and national spirit.

Marathon Party 1.2

So it turned out Friday wasn’t such a hot date afterall to have the party so we’re gonna do it Sunday May 29th now with a 10% chance that it might change to Saturday. This way Dana/Joyce/Joanna should be there the entire time and Jenniferika will be a bit late, but that’s ok. Also we’ll be down in Gastown tomorrow to pick up the DVDs from Kerry (though i’m not sure if its still entirely necessary). We’ll be there around 3pm and if you want to meet up with us just send Zach, Taylor, or I a call/text and we’ll figure something out. Also, if it turns out Sunday really doesn’t work for people, please let me know ASAP.

Marathon Party

So it looks like we finally have an official time, place, and trilogy for this shindig. It will be Friday May 27th starting around 2pm at my house and we’ll be watching Back to the Future. That wasn’t my first choice. In fact it was my last, but the people have spoken and now we must live with the consequences. On the subject of tragic misfortunes, Joanna will not be able to make it that day and will have to collect her prize for being BGC Champion at a later date. All of this is still subject to change should problems or conflicts arise/disappear.

On a related note, Kerry is apparently the only person in the whole club with the BTTF trilogy on DVD, but he will be late on Friday. He’s invited us to come down to the grand opening of Gamedeals (a new video game store) in Gastown this Friday (the 20th) so we can meet him and pick up the DVDs ahead of time. Sounds like it will be fun, so if you’re not busy head on down and check it out/say hi to Kerry and anyone else who happens to be there.

Magneto Versus The Self-Image Issues

Magneto is one of the most recognizable, and perhaps the most interesting of all the supervillains in the Marvel universe. Not only is he incredibly powerful and bad-ass, but he also has a well-developed backstory and at times even appears heroic. With such a reputation, you wouldn’t think it would be all that challenging to put his character to good use. Which is why I was shocked to see how he was portrayed in this clip from the old Fantastic Four TV show:



Earlier, you’ve heard me rant about the ridiculous things that happen in old episodes of Superfriends, but this isn’t even ridiculous. It’s just sad. They take freakin’ Magneto and turn him into a stoned, insecure old man. Everything he says and does is a complete and utter embarrassment to all that is Magneto, and that’s not saying anything about that fruity gondola he’s driving around in. I know that this cartoon is over 40 years old, but I think it’s important for people to know exactly why this is so wrong. Looking at that last sentence I realize I should reconsider my priorities in life.

So we start off with Magneto pulling into a gas station to ask for directions since apparently the world’s greatest supervillain doesn’t know the location of his intended target. But that’s not even the most ridiculous thing right now. In fact I didn’t even question this implausible scenario at first because I was so distracted by the sight of his retarded car. It looks like a party snow taxi that exclusively services gay men. Rather than striking fear into the hearts of me it just causes them to stare incredulously because they can’t even believe it’s real. And that’s a pretty generous reaction given that most would probably just point and laugh.

At this point he begins to ramble on incoherently about how awesome his car is and how boss it makes him spouting such nonsense as “fuel is for lesser men,” because truly the mark of a great man is his lack of a need for gas. By those standards, hipsters who bike everywhere are the best of us. In case it wasn’t already clear that he has a Napoleon complex, he shouts “nobody may dare contradict me!” in the most insane overreaction in the history of cartoon villainy, apparently with the vain hope that saying it loudly will make it come true. He then proceeds to knock over nearby metallic objects in a mildly startling display of power before toddling off in the California Raisin’s party bus. Before it cuts to the next scene, Magneto starts referring to himself in the third person as he predicts that the Fantastic Four will tremble before “the menace of Magneto,” in what can only be seen as a desperate attempt to reassure himself that he is still threatening, and not some crotchety old man on an ill-conceived joyride.

In the next scene, Magneto is nearing the F4 HQ and the narrator has the balls to refer to his minivan on sled tracks as “the amazing vehicle” without a hint of irony. Magneto has temporarily forgotten that his vehicle can fly and is stuck in traffic. People start giving him strange looks which reminds him that he doesn’t have to take any of this shit. He’s big, strong boy who can make his own decisions like a motherfucking adult no matter what daddy says! MAGNETO IS A LAW UNTO HIMSELF! On a side note, considering that super-powered beings are running around, tearing shit up willy-nilly, regular people in this universe are stunningly ignorant of their existence. That is some government cover-up.

The scene finishes with Magneto finally arriving at the Baxter Building and parking in a *gasp* no parking zone! That’s the villainous act of the century! Truly he is the greatest criminal mastermind in existence! What will he do next? Petty vandalism? Oh shit! The very sight of that no parking sign offends him! Yeah, you throw that dirty sign to the ground Magneto. It totally had it coming what with it being present and all. But seriously, Magneto has the ability to tear the Earth in half if he wants to, and this is the best he can muster? It’s an absolute disgrace. I don’t know how the Fantastic Four dealt with him and I don’t even care. They probably just called the senior’s home and told them one of their patients escaped and wandered into a Value Village before knocking at their door in a state of confusion. Whatever the case, I’m sure it was embarrassing for everyone involved.

Bonus points to whoever can come up with an even worse adaptation of a great character.

Voting Time

***UPDATE***

For the next BGC party, we're planning on watching a movie trilogy. What trilogy that will be is currently undecided and now you get to voice your opinion. The current options are:

Lord of the Rings

Original Star Wars Trilogy

Back to the Future

The Man with no Name Trilogy (those Clint Eastwood westerns like The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly)

The Godfather

If you have any other suggestions, I am open. The day is tentatively set to next Saturday, May 21st at my house. This might change depending on if people can't make it that day/don't feel like driving out to Maple Ridge.

Dr. Krieger: The Greatest Ever

I just finished watching the first two seasons of Archer, an animated show about secret agent, Sterling Archer, and his co-workers. Virtually all of the characters have some sort of personality disorder and they’re all hilarious in their own way, but none can quite measure up to the awesomeness of Dr. Krieger. Everything he says and does is amazing. He can just be standing there and still somehow make me laugh. He may very well be the most perverted and insane character on the show, yet he is also highly intelligent and able to invent almost anything he wants. Unfortunately, what he wants to invent are normally just devices to service his sexual fantasies, but that’s just one of many things that make Krieger so great. Here is an incomplete list of all the ridiculous things he’s said and done that I can remember.



The first time Krieger opens his mouth, it immediately becomes apparent that he is anything but normal. The magic of his first sentences cannot be conveyed with mere text, so here’s a clip of the venerable scene.



Krieger seems to have many perversions, and one of the first that we learn about is his obsession with hobos, a fact which he doesn’t even attempt to hide and references on numerous occasions. Here are two of my favourite quotes relating to the subject:

Archer: Jesus Krieger, are you still taping bum fights?
Krieger: No, now I’m into something... darker.

Krieger: Or else I’ll crank up the heat again!
Carol: I love that you know how to do that.
Krieger: And I love how I have an erection that didn’t involve homeless people.

As a follow-up to Fister Roboto, Krieger invents Chokebot in an attempt to satisfy Carol’s (his then girlfriend) asphyxiation fetish. Because that isn’t already disturbing enough, here’s a visual:



Perhaps Krieger’s most profound romantic relationship is with a virtual girlfriend he created. She is a hologram of a stereotypical anime chick so sophisticated and self-aware, that he is legally allowed to marry it/her. Sadly, their wedding never comes to pass because people/society don’t understand their love.

Krieger doesn’t just do work with computers and robotics. He is also accomplished in the field of genetics as he has attempted to make clones of himself (it is hinted that he himself is a clone of Hitler) and created hybrid monstrosities such as Pigly and Goatly. If you can’t already guess how those latter experiments went, here’s a clip:



Despite his bizarre experiments, at times Krieger displays a degree of professional competence. What you’re about to see is not one of those times. Instead you see him make a clumsy mistake, witness his LSD breath-strips in action (guess why he invented those), and also learn a surprising fact about Doctor Krieger.



In case you’re wondering how the surgery went, here’s a little taste:



In one episode, the crew is tasked with wading through boxes full of paperwork. Instead of contributing, Krieger fashions a box fort, stands inside of it for the entire episode, and snorts MSG while making inappropriate remarks. He accurately titled his construction, Fort Kick-ass.

I'm sorry, are you addressing me? Because your authority is not recognized in Fort Kick-ass.

In his tenure at ISIS, Krieger has invented many amazing and sophisticated machines, but the accomplishment of which he is the proudest is his bitchin’/creepy van. I’ll let you be the judge about what this says of his character.

All aboard the Date Rape Express! Toot! Toot!

I think Archer summarizes my feelings best in the second episode where we first meet Krieger when he tells the doctor, “you are my Oprah.”

Another Important Anouncement Everybody!

On Saturday April 30th we’re gonna be doing something with Board Game Club. That something is currently rather vague, but it will most likely involve board games and meeting at Michelle’s house. 2pm sounds like a pretty good time to meet. It’s supposed to be bright and sunny too so maybe we can hang out in the park near her house for a while. If any aspect of these plans (time, place, day, activities)doesn’t work for you, please leave a comment. Also leave a comment if you plan on attending or have ideas for things we should do. Also tell other people in the club about these plans cuz I don’t know how many people will read this on time. Also Kevin will be there, so we can all bombard him with questions about his impending marriage. Also maybe it will be potluck. That is all.