Here's a pilot I made for a brand new TV show about an all Asian crime fighting squad. Think of it as a cross between The A-Team and Superfriends. Enjoy.
*Disclaimer: Any resemblance to real people is unintentional and just a coincidence.*
Narrator: Fed up with all the gangs and violence in the streets, one mysterious man, calling himself Mr. D, assembled an elite group of crime-fighters to combat the growing menace. It's members include...
Justin Time, the unofficial leader of the group who excels at quick-thinking and spur of the moment decisions, making him a great tactician and an asset in any situation.
"Tiger" Lily, an incredibly skilled fighter who's prowess on the battlefield is unmatched. She is capable of effectively using any weapon whether it be a sword, a shotgun, or a stapler.
Eddy Ha-Ha, the funnyman of the group, renown for his devastating one-liners. Unfortunately he is useless in almost every other respect and remains at the base during most missions, providing moral support and bad directions.
Michel Tranny, half man, half woman, and adept in the art of seduction. He/She can charm the pants off of anybody, male or female, regardless of which way they swing.
Aleck the Dalek, a man who is under the delusion that he is a Dalek from the popular British sci-fi series, Dr. Who. Luckily this crippling condition has turned him into an unstoppable killing machine, indispensable in any battle. Unfortunately he is also prone to turning on his teammates, leading some hilarious situations as well as debilitating injuries.
Joanna "4-Chan", the resident techie of the group, providing valuable information on criminals as well as many useful gadgets. She is foul-mouthed and spends an uncomfortable amount of time on the internet, either playing online games or ranting on forums.
Big Bad Brendan(?), the most terrifying man in existence. When you look into his eyes you learn the true meaning of despair. No one is sure how to spell his name, but one thing is for certain; you don't want to get on his bad side. Also he's a master of stealth.
Re-Joyce, the demolitions expert who's two greatest passions are explosions and arson. I don't know what's more disturbing: the amount of destruction she is capable of, or the amount of pleasure she takes in it.
Together they form S.A.S.S. The Super Awesome Sexy Squad.
(starwipe to the S.A.S.S. HQ where the team is sitting around minding their own business)
voice of Mr. D: Attention! Super Awesome Sexy Squad! There's a robbery in progress down at the bank!
Justin: We're all over it! Super Awesome Sexy Squad! Roll out like a herd of turtles!
(starwipe to S.A.S.S. arriving at the bank)
Michel: Oh no! The robbers have electronically wired this door shut!
Justin: Looks like this is a job for you, 4-Chan.
4-Chan (on laptop): K, hold on one minute.
Justin: What is it?
4-Chan: I've almost downed Kazulbul, Lord of the Damned.
Tiger: Why did you start that when you knew we were going on a mission.
4-Chan: Because fuck off okay!
Re-Joyce: Can't I just blow the door open?
Justin: No, because that would be destruction of property.
Re-Joyce: So?
Justin: So we're supposed to be the good guys, and we're not allowed to do that.
4-Chan: Stupid fucking team!
Michel: Hey! That's not nice.
4-Chan: Not you guys. My raid team wiped. Good for nothing asstards.
Justin: So can you open the door now?
4-Chan: Fine. I guess. This should take me about five seconds.
(starwipe to 5 seconds later)
4-Chan: K, its done.
Aleck: EX-TER-MIN-ATE!
Justin: Hold on Aleck, we need to make a plan first. Brennan, go find out what we're up against.
Brandan: I will be silent like a rabbit drowning in a pit of tar.
Justin: Yah you do that.
(starwipe to 5 minutes later)
Brandon: There's three of them inside the vault. No hostages. Only civilian is the manager.Toilet water is clean-
Justin: Ok, thank you Brett. That's enough.
Michel: So what's the plan boss?
Justin: Re-Joyce throw in a flash grenade to throw them off. Tiger and Aleck-
Aleck: EX-TER-MIN-ATE!
Justin: Take out the robbers in the vault. 4-Chan and Brandan guard the entrance in case more show up. Michel you get the manager out of there. Alright let's do it!
Eddy: What about me boss?
Justin: Oh, you're here? Just play with this yo-yo.
Eddy: I don't know if I want to walk the dog in this neighborhood.
Michel: Ha, ha! Nice one Eddy.
(starwipe to inside of bank, Re-Joyce throws a flash grenade, stunning the evildoers)
Robber 1: Ah my eyes!
Justin: Halt in the name of the law!
Robber 2: Oh no! It's the Super Asian Sexy Squad!
Robber 1: I seriously can't see anything. That thing went off right in front of my face.
Tiger: That's Super Awesome Sexy Squad you racist bastard!
Robber 2: What, really?
Tiger: What? You think just because we're Asian we can't be awesome?
Robber 2: No it's just that you're all Asian.
Justin: Well, it just worked out that way, okay!
Robber 1: What's going on?
Michel: We used to have a Filipino, but that didn't work out.
Robber 2: What happened?
Justin: I don't know. She just kept blowing bubbles all the time. Wasn't really a team player.
Re-Joyce: That and Aleck killed her.
Justin: Yah that too.
Robber 3: Why are we still talking to these guys? Let's take them!
Robber 1: Is anybody even listening to me?
Aleck: EX-TER-MIN-ATE!
Tiger: My thoughts exactly, Aleck.
(launches into battle)
Justin: Quick Michel, get that manager out of here before he gets hurt.
Michel: Come with me please sir.
(Manager looks out from his hiding place under a table and sees the ongoing battle)
Manager: I think I'd rather just stay here.
Michel: (unbuttoning his/her shirt a bit) If you come with me, I'll give you a rusty trombone.
Manager: I'm not sure what that means, but I am undeniably turned on right now.
Michel: It gives whole new meaning to the phrase; to toot one's horn.
Manager: (blabbers incoherently and follows Michel outside)
(Tiger and Robber 3 are fighting, Tiger punches him in the face)
Robber 3: Is that the best you got little missy?
Tiger: Well I also got this gun.
Robber 3: Uh oh.
(shoots him in the face)
Eddy on a radio: Looks like you just robbed that robber...of his life.
Tiger: Good one Eddy.
(Aleck is trying to fight Robber 2)
Aleck: EX-TER-MIN-ATE!
Robber 2: You know, just because you're wearing a garbage can, doesn't make you a Dalek.
Aleck: EX-TER-MIN-ATE!
Robber 2: You know that's not the only thing Daleks say.
Aleck: IN-CIN-ER-ATE!
Robber 2: Wait what?
(Explosion!)
Eddy: Wow! You rolled him like a blunt.
Aleck: GOOD-ONE-EDDY!
Justin: Right, I'll take care of this last one.
Robber 1: Help me! What's going on? What happened to my brothers?
Justin: The same thing that's going to happen to you.
Robber 1: Ahhhhhhh!
(stumbles around blindly, trips and falls, Re-Joyce throws a grenade at him, Explosion!)
Eddy: I guess it just goes to show, Justice is blind!
Justin: Ha, ha. Good one Eddy.
(starwipe to outside)
Justin: Good job guys. We got the bad guys, saved the bank, and only caused minor collateral damage!
4-Chan: And I finally took down Kazulbul, Lord of the Damned!
Michel: And I finally got the taste of ass out of my mouth.
Brendon: And I finally understand the true meaning of the darkness that consumes me.
Eddy: I only joke constantly to compensate for my impotency.
Re-Joyce: Good one Eddy.
Aleck: EX-TER-MIN-ATE!
(tries to attack Tiger who pushes him over, leaving him flailing wildly on the ground, everybody laughs)
THE END
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
An Average Day in Maple Ridge
Whenever I tell people that I live in Maple Ridge, they make this face at me like that's the most tragic thing they've ever heard. Well I am here to set the record straight, and show that Maple Ridge isn't such a bad place to live by hitting the town for a day and showing all it has to offer. Joining me are my good friends Zach, Mannu, and Taylor. It's sure to be a fun-filled day!
We began our adventure at our old high school. Zach was looking a bit nervous and so we asked him what was wrong.
"I am a bit worried about that 4:20 Gang. I see their graffiti all over town. I don't want to get mugged."
"Don't worry Zach," reassured Mannu as he lit up a joint. "I'll keep a close eye out for anything 4:20 related, " he said as he lit up a second joint and then shoved one in each nostril.
As we strolled in front of the school we were approached by several pushy, though polite, drug dealers. Mannu needed to get some more pot, so we got in line and noticed that one of our old English teachers was just finishing up business in front of us. We had a nice chat with them while Mannu made his purchases.
Zach was feeling pretty thirsty at this point and was happy when he realized that a Coke dealer was standing nearby. It was a little expensive for his tastes, but he was too lazy to find a vending machine. He was frustrated when all he got was a baggie full of white powder, but we told him that it was instant Coke mix and he'd need to put it in water. He believed us and would not remember what happened the rest of the day.
At this point we noticed that Taylor had gone missing. We were about to call his cellphone when an alarm went off in the school and Taylor came rushing out carrying a gun and a sackful of iPods. It was time to head to our next destination!
To get downtown we needed to catch the 701 bus. Once on board we were immediately accosted by a meth addict with a Hannah Montana obsession and apparently a college degree in "discerning lesbians," since he kept insisting that a girl at the front of the bus was a dyke, and that he knew these things because he was a sociology man. Every now and then he'd entertain us with a Frank Sinatra impression. Overall he made all of us uncomfortable except Zach who made conversation with him.
"I once fucked a jakalope!" he exclaimed.
"I don't know much about jakalopes, but man, have you ever tried a dragon? That's where its at!" replied the meth addict.
What followed was a disgustingly in-depth discussion on fantastical bestiality which I shall not repeat here. Thankfully the bus ride was not a long one as Mannu was getting a case of the munchies and needed some Taco Bell. We got off at the next stop and walked down a couple blocks to the Taco Bell/KFC restaurant. Mannu ordered a dozen burritos while Taylor held up the KFC half of the restaurant.
After we had what we came for, we crossed over to the baptist church, because Zach was convinced it was the lair of Kazulbul, Lord of the Damned. There we ran into our good friend Kevin Rey who was loitering around throwing bibles at random passerby.
"How are things going Kevin?" I inquired.
"Not bad. I was just talking to Sandy and oh man I need to go saxophone shopping but before I do that I need to go to clean my room and that's an all day affair and I think Japan is a cool place I am going to if I ever get a job at a biology factory that's going to explode oh man that would be awesome peanuts-"
At which point Taylor hit him over the head with a rock and proceeded to rob him blind, by which I mean he took his glasses.
Next we headed on over to the homeless shelter across the street where Mannu threw out the remaining half of his meal. We watched with great amusement the ensuing hobo-fight over the leftover food.
"Why did you throw out all that food?" I asked.
"I got bored of it. I want a Slurpee now."
"I got a special Slurpee for you," said one of the hobos, flashing us an almost toothless smile. "You can even have it for free. All you gotta do is close your eyes and suck it out of my special tap."
Mannu declined the offer, but Zach could never pass up on anything free. After he'd had his fill, I asked him what flavor it was. Without missing a beat he replied, "Cherry Cola." Zach is a pretty weird kid overall.
Mannu was still thirsty so we went to the liquor store/strip club opposite the homeless shelter. While Zach demanded that the clerk "milk him," Mannu bought a bottle of vodka and proceeded to down the entire thing before we even got to the cash register. But it didn't matter because Taylor had lit the place on fire, so we had to exit the building anyway. Mannu was angry because he had wanted to get a lap dance, but it was probably for the best since Taylor had a tendency to stab any hookers who got within 10 feet of him.
After much debate we decided to head on over to the library, which ranks just behind the bowling alley, but just ahead of the cemetery as most entertaining place in Maple Ridge. When we got there, Taylor made straight for the children's section and began to line the shelves with porn, believing that it would be a "funny prank." Our next stop was the police station which happened to be right next door.
There we ran into none other than Alanah "Double-Up" Garcin. We asked her what she was doing there, and it turned out that some anonymous person had told the cops that she was a street walker. Any number of men could have reported Double-Up who had earned her nickname for two reasons: 1) because of her astounding flexibility, and 2) because if you didn't want to catch seven different STD's from her, you needed twice the protection. Unfortunately she couldn't talk for long as she had to meet an officer for interrogation in a maintenance closet.
"That's a weird place for an interrogation," observed Zach.
"You know Zach, you're right. That is a weird place for an interrogation," agreed Mannu.
A few minutes later we left without Mannu, thankful for racial profiling. It was getting dark, and as we stood outside looking up at the horse clock (which every description of Maple Ridge must include even though its a broken down piece of shit) it became apparent that our journey had come to an end.
"I'd rape my mother for nothing!"
"Shut the fuck up Zach."
Overall it was a fairly productive day. Zach got high, Taylor got free money, Mannu got imprisoned again, and I got material for a blog post. So come on down to Maple Ridge some time and see what you can get! (It will most likely be syphilis)
We began our adventure at our old high school. Zach was looking a bit nervous and so we asked him what was wrong.
"I am a bit worried about that 4:20 Gang. I see their graffiti all over town. I don't want to get mugged."
"Don't worry Zach," reassured Mannu as he lit up a joint. "I'll keep a close eye out for anything 4:20 related, " he said as he lit up a second joint and then shoved one in each nostril.
As we strolled in front of the school we were approached by several pushy, though polite, drug dealers. Mannu needed to get some more pot, so we got in line and noticed that one of our old English teachers was just finishing up business in front of us. We had a nice chat with them while Mannu made his purchases.
Zach was feeling pretty thirsty at this point and was happy when he realized that a Coke dealer was standing nearby. It was a little expensive for his tastes, but he was too lazy to find a vending machine. He was frustrated when all he got was a baggie full of white powder, but we told him that it was instant Coke mix and he'd need to put it in water. He believed us and would not remember what happened the rest of the day.
At this point we noticed that Taylor had gone missing. We were about to call his cellphone when an alarm went off in the school and Taylor came rushing out carrying a gun and a sackful of iPods. It was time to head to our next destination!
To get downtown we needed to catch the 701 bus. Once on board we were immediately accosted by a meth addict with a Hannah Montana obsession and apparently a college degree in "discerning lesbians," since he kept insisting that a girl at the front of the bus was a dyke, and that he knew these things because he was a sociology man. Every now and then he'd entertain us with a Frank Sinatra impression. Overall he made all of us uncomfortable except Zach who made conversation with him.
"I once fucked a jakalope!" he exclaimed.
"I don't know much about jakalopes, but man, have you ever tried a dragon? That's where its at!" replied the meth addict.
What followed was a disgustingly in-depth discussion on fantastical bestiality which I shall not repeat here. Thankfully the bus ride was not a long one as Mannu was getting a case of the munchies and needed some Taco Bell. We got off at the next stop and walked down a couple blocks to the Taco Bell/KFC restaurant. Mannu ordered a dozen burritos while Taylor held up the KFC half of the restaurant.
After we had what we came for, we crossed over to the baptist church, because Zach was convinced it was the lair of Kazulbul, Lord of the Damned. There we ran into our good friend Kevin Rey who was loitering around throwing bibles at random passerby.
"How are things going Kevin?" I inquired.
"Not bad. I was just talking to Sandy and oh man I need to go saxophone shopping but before I do that I need to go to clean my room and that's an all day affair and I think Japan is a cool place I am going to if I ever get a job at a biology factory that's going to explode oh man that would be awesome peanuts-"
At which point Taylor hit him over the head with a rock and proceeded to rob him blind, by which I mean he took his glasses.
Next we headed on over to the homeless shelter across the street where Mannu threw out the remaining half of his meal. We watched with great amusement the ensuing hobo-fight over the leftover food.
"Why did you throw out all that food?" I asked.
"I got bored of it. I want a Slurpee now."
"I got a special Slurpee for you," said one of the hobos, flashing us an almost toothless smile. "You can even have it for free. All you gotta do is close your eyes and suck it out of my special tap."
Mannu declined the offer, but Zach could never pass up on anything free. After he'd had his fill, I asked him what flavor it was. Without missing a beat he replied, "Cherry Cola." Zach is a pretty weird kid overall.
Mannu was still thirsty so we went to the liquor store/strip club opposite the homeless shelter. While Zach demanded that the clerk "milk him," Mannu bought a bottle of vodka and proceeded to down the entire thing before we even got to the cash register. But it didn't matter because Taylor had lit the place on fire, so we had to exit the building anyway. Mannu was angry because he had wanted to get a lap dance, but it was probably for the best since Taylor had a tendency to stab any hookers who got within 10 feet of him.
After much debate we decided to head on over to the library, which ranks just behind the bowling alley, but just ahead of the cemetery as most entertaining place in Maple Ridge. When we got there, Taylor made straight for the children's section and began to line the shelves with porn, believing that it would be a "funny prank." Our next stop was the police station which happened to be right next door.
There we ran into none other than Alanah "Double-Up" Garcin. We asked her what she was doing there, and it turned out that some anonymous person had told the cops that she was a street walker. Any number of men could have reported Double-Up who had earned her nickname for two reasons: 1) because of her astounding flexibility, and 2) because if you didn't want to catch seven different STD's from her, you needed twice the protection. Unfortunately she couldn't talk for long as she had to meet an officer for interrogation in a maintenance closet.
"That's a weird place for an interrogation," observed Zach.
"You know Zach, you're right. That is a weird place for an interrogation," agreed Mannu.
A few minutes later we left without Mannu, thankful for racial profiling. It was getting dark, and as we stood outside looking up at the horse clock (which every description of Maple Ridge must include even though its a broken down piece of shit) it became apparent that our journey had come to an end.
"I'd rape my mother for nothing!"
"Shut the fuck up Zach."
Overall it was a fairly productive day. Zach got high, Taylor got free money, Mannu got imprisoned again, and I got material for a blog post. So come on down to Maple Ridge some time and see what you can get! (It will most likely be syphilis)
Sunday, April 4, 2010
6 Things that I Find Extremely Funny for Some Reason
Its Easter so that means its time for me to count off some of the strangest and most disturbing things I can find on the Internet that isn't scatological porn. Some of them you may find offensive. Or you may find them hilarious like I did. Either way take a deep breath and prepare yourselves for...
6. Conservapedia
In case you can't guess by the main page, Conservapedia is a conservative, Christian fundamentalist, and all American version of Wikipedia. The website was founded by Andy Schlafly who decided that Wikipedia had a liberal bias. Since the articles on Wikipedia are technically written by everybody, this implies that the entire world has a liberal bias. Rather than try to make a less biased version of the online encyclopedia, or perhaps take a moment to consider how wrong he is, Andy decided to make a website so gung-ho conservative that it pretty much parodies itself. Some notable articles on Conservapedia include homosexuality, Wikipedia, Joseph McCarthy, Barack Obama, and anything at all related to religion. I could seriously spend days on this website just looking up how they twist history to meet their own political ends, but after a while it starts to make me angrier than a metal band at an Attack Attack concert which leads us into...
5.
Attack Attack is the gayest metal band on the entire planet of all time and forever. If Elton John, Freddie Mercury, David Bowie, and Justin Bieber were to form a metal band it still would not be as gay.If I were to tell you that head-banging in unison is the most retarded thing you'll ever see, you probably wouldn't believe me until you saw that video. The stance they use in every single last one of their videos and while performing has earned them the dubious moniker, "crab-core." If you can bear to watch it until the end, you'll see (or hear) that they use autotune (what T-Pain uses in all his songs to make his voice sound all wavy like). What kind of metal band uses autotune? That is the exact opposite of metal. Mozart has more in common with metal than autotune. Who would sign these guys? They must have sucked a lot of dicks to get a record deal, which brings us to...
4.
You hear that sound? That's your childhood dying. I don't know who decided that they needed to provide animation for that audio, but they should be simultaneously congratulated and thrown in jail. I can't decide if the person who did the impression put his talent to the best or the worst possible use. All I know is that this is the creepiest shit I've ever seen. Oh wait...
3.
Look at it! Look at it! I need something adorable to make up for this.
2.
Oh man. I never get tired of this video even though it goes against everything I stand for. I don't think it's humanly possible to make anything more sugar-coated and mind-numbing. Just look at the effects of it on this baby. Who needs marijuana when you can just watch Puppytown and achieve the same effect. If there was a channel on TV where all they played was puppies playing around to this song, it would be the most popular channel of all time. I would watch it. Although I also like to watch the following video which is pretty much the complete opposite.
1.
I cannot maintain a straight face while watching this video and I am pretty sure that means I'm sadistic. It's just the way he shouts ,"Stop! Stop! That tickles!" while he burns to death that just cracks me up. Does that make me a bad person? I mean it is just a toy, right?
6. Conservapedia
In case you can't guess by the main page, Conservapedia is a conservative, Christian fundamentalist, and all American version of Wikipedia. The website was founded by Andy Schlafly who decided that Wikipedia had a liberal bias. Since the articles on Wikipedia are technically written by everybody, this implies that the entire world has a liberal bias. Rather than try to make a less biased version of the online encyclopedia, or perhaps take a moment to consider how wrong he is, Andy decided to make a website so gung-ho conservative that it pretty much parodies itself. Some notable articles on Conservapedia include homosexuality, Wikipedia, Joseph McCarthy, Barack Obama, and anything at all related to religion. I could seriously spend days on this website just looking up how they twist history to meet their own political ends, but after a while it starts to make me angrier than a metal band at an Attack Attack concert which leads us into...
5.
Attack Attack is the gayest metal band on the entire planet of all time and forever. If Elton John, Freddie Mercury, David Bowie, and Justin Bieber were to form a metal band it still would not be as gay.If I were to tell you that head-banging in unison is the most retarded thing you'll ever see, you probably wouldn't believe me until you saw that video. The stance they use in every single last one of their videos and while performing has earned them the dubious moniker, "crab-core." If you can bear to watch it until the end, you'll see (or hear) that they use autotune (what T-Pain uses in all his songs to make his voice sound all wavy like). What kind of metal band uses autotune? That is the exact opposite of metal. Mozart has more in common with metal than autotune. Who would sign these guys? They must have sucked a lot of dicks to get a record deal, which brings us to...
4.
You hear that sound? That's your childhood dying. I don't know who decided that they needed to provide animation for that audio, but they should be simultaneously congratulated and thrown in jail. I can't decide if the person who did the impression put his talent to the best or the worst possible use. All I know is that this is the creepiest shit I've ever seen. Oh wait...
3.
Look at it! Look at it! I need something adorable to make up for this.2.
Oh man. I never get tired of this video even though it goes against everything I stand for. I don't think it's humanly possible to make anything more sugar-coated and mind-numbing. Just look at the effects of it on this baby. Who needs marijuana when you can just watch Puppytown and achieve the same effect. If there was a channel on TV where all they played was puppies playing around to this song, it would be the most popular channel of all time. I would watch it. Although I also like to watch the following video which is pretty much the complete opposite.
1.
I cannot maintain a straight face while watching this video and I am pretty sure that means I'm sadistic. It's just the way he shouts ,"Stop! Stop! That tickles!" while he burns to death that just cracks me up. Does that make me a bad person? I mean it is just a toy, right?
Saturday, March 27, 2010
4 Commercials that Make Me Cringe
Television has been around for a while now and television advertisements have been around for almost as long. We've had a long time to perfect the art of attracting people's attention and making them buy crap they don't really need, but every now and then a commercial comes on that apparently feels the purpose of advertising is to flaunt insanity. Here are a few examples of this rare brand of advertising that I've come across.
4.
When I first saw that, I didn't know what I had just seen. If my sister hadn't been in the room with me, I probably would have convinced myself that I hadn't seen it at all, and that it was just some strange hallucination from watching too much TV. Even now I don't know what to make of it. The advertising budget appears to be somewhere in the range of $25 (I am assuming they paid the actress or, more likely, random prostitute). They saved a lot of money on writing. The slogan, selling point, product name, and method of use are all the same: "Head On. Apply directly to the forehead." In case you didn't get that the first time they repeat it twice more. What they don't bother telling you is what the product actually does. Is it deodorant? A zit remover? Acne treatment? Headache relief? A mind-control device? A glue stick? All I know is to put it on my forehead. And the effects (if you can call them that) are awful. I could have probably done better, and I had to look up how to embed video into my blog.
3.
Gordie Dodd is a man who looked at every offensive Indian stereotype and decided that he wanted to condense all of it into a 30 second commercial in order to sell furniture. What resulted was a complete gong show. On what level does it seem like a good idea to dress up as a gay sultan surrounded by the local belly dancers club? You call that dancing, Dodd? A sloth having a seizure has more rhthym than you. And the slogan, "We won't be undersold," is by far the least catchiest slogan since "Apply directly to the forehead." Amazingly Dodd decided that this commercial wasn't embarrassing enough and went on to make more. Most of them feature him dressing up as a famous character, like The Hulk or Harry Potter, and talking gibberish for half a minute. In fact I could made this list entirely about Dodd commercials. For those interested here are some links to his other commercials.
2.
Fuck. I cry inside whenever I see this trailer. When I first saw it, I was in denial. I kept telling myself that it couldn't be a real movie, that it was all just one big joke. Sadly I was wrong. Disney, Taco Bell, and Paris Hilton all got together, had the most disgusting threesome in the history of ever, and birthed this abomination. If I need to tell you why this trailer is horrible, then go fucking die. They should have just played this for the trailer instead. It would have made about as much sense, and been mind-blowingly awesome to boot.
1.
When making this commercial, the people over at Evian decided to give the Uncanny Valley a miss and instead dove headfirst into the Uncanny Abyss. Those are the creepiest infants I have ever seen since the Soulless Puppytown Baby. Some of you may be saying, "Snake-Eyes, I can't believe you've stooped to the point where you're making fun of babies," but I defy you to look in the eyes of those things and call them human. Furthermore it's the most retarded thing I have ever seen. If Ms Moo Goo had an unlimited budget and was tasked with making a commercial for bottled water, this is what she would come up with. I never thought that something so terrifying could be so stupid. The very existence of this commercial demonstrates that humanity is doomed to fail. Let's just give up now.
4.
When I first saw that, I didn't know what I had just seen. If my sister hadn't been in the room with me, I probably would have convinced myself that I hadn't seen it at all, and that it was just some strange hallucination from watching too much TV. Even now I don't know what to make of it. The advertising budget appears to be somewhere in the range of $25 (I am assuming they paid the actress or, more likely, random prostitute). They saved a lot of money on writing. The slogan, selling point, product name, and method of use are all the same: "Head On. Apply directly to the forehead." In case you didn't get that the first time they repeat it twice more. What they don't bother telling you is what the product actually does. Is it deodorant? A zit remover? Acne treatment? Headache relief? A mind-control device? A glue stick? All I know is to put it on my forehead. And the effects (if you can call them that) are awful. I could have probably done better, and I had to look up how to embed video into my blog.
3.
Gordie Dodd is a man who looked at every offensive Indian stereotype and decided that he wanted to condense all of it into a 30 second commercial in order to sell furniture. What resulted was a complete gong show. On what level does it seem like a good idea to dress up as a gay sultan surrounded by the local belly dancers club? You call that dancing, Dodd? A sloth having a seizure has more rhthym than you. And the slogan, "We won't be undersold," is by far the least catchiest slogan since "Apply directly to the forehead." Amazingly Dodd decided that this commercial wasn't embarrassing enough and went on to make more. Most of them feature him dressing up as a famous character, like The Hulk or Harry Potter, and talking gibberish for half a minute. In fact I could made this list entirely about Dodd commercials. For those interested here are some links to his other commercials.
2.
Fuck. I cry inside whenever I see this trailer. When I first saw it, I was in denial. I kept telling myself that it couldn't be a real movie, that it was all just one big joke. Sadly I was wrong. Disney, Taco Bell, and Paris Hilton all got together, had the most disgusting threesome in the history of ever, and birthed this abomination. If I need to tell you why this trailer is horrible, then go fucking die. They should have just played this for the trailer instead. It would have made about as much sense, and been mind-blowingly awesome to boot.
1.
When making this commercial, the people over at Evian decided to give the Uncanny Valley a miss and instead dove headfirst into the Uncanny Abyss. Those are the creepiest infants I have ever seen since the Soulless Puppytown Baby. Some of you may be saying, "Snake-Eyes, I can't believe you've stooped to the point where you're making fun of babies," but I defy you to look in the eyes of those things and call them human. Furthermore it's the most retarded thing I have ever seen. If Ms Moo Goo had an unlimited budget and was tasked with making a commercial for bottled water, this is what she would come up with. I never thought that something so terrifying could be so stupid. The very existence of this commercial demonstrates that humanity is doomed to fail. Let's just give up now.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
12 Things I Don't Like About Guild Wars
For those of you that know me well enough, you'll know that I am a fan of the fantasy MMO Guild Wars. I've been playing it for several years and although there are a lot of things I like about it (which I may list in a future review) there are a few things Arenanet (the developers) have done that have pissed me off. They are listed below.
12. The Pet System: One of the classes in the game (Rangers) are allowed to bring animal companions into battle, but why you would want to is beyond me. They have rather poor AI in that they run around aimlessly for half the battle, there is nothing other than appearance to distinguish one pet from another, and if you are going to bring a pet then you yourself are going to pretty much be useless since most of your skill bar will have to be devoted to your pet. Sometimes I'll bring one out for fun just for giggles, but when playing seriously its just a waste.
11. Ray of Judgment: This skill is a powerful AoE attack that somehow found its way into the skill pool of Monks, the game's primary healing class. Normally the AI in Guild Wars will scatter if they find themselves in the middle of an AoE attack, the one exception to this rule was Ray of Judgment. The result was the biggest exploit in Guild Wars history. Everywhere you went you saw "RoJ monk LFG" in chat. It was not uncommon to find a group consisting of 5 players using this skill. There was not a single problem that could not be solved with this skill. The worst part was that one simple bug fix would remedy the problem, but for some reason it took them several months to get around to it.
10. No Retroactivity on Storybooks: Imagine that you spent countless hours trying to build an elaborate house of cards that was 10 metres tall. After you build it a man walks up to you and says, "I'll give $5000 to whoever can build a house of cards that's 10 metres tall." You point to your house of cards and ask, "There it is. Can I have my $5000 now?" To which he replies, "No," and you ask, " Why not?" and he answers, "Because you built it before I offered the money. If you want to earn that cash you'll have to do it all over again." Your balls then proceed to shatter due to the sheer magnitude of the figurative kick in the nuts this man just gave to you. Arenanet pretty much did just that when they decided that if you wanted to earn the bonus rewards for completing the storyline then you'd have to replay the entire game all over again.
9. Recycling Content: To some extent many games are guilty of this. Achievements and Trophies are essentially ways to get people to replay the same content over and over again in order to earn some meaningless award. Some MMO's (including Guild Wars) have daily quests, and there are plenty of other examples. But in the expansion to Guild Wars called Eye of the North, they pretty much took the same models, painted them a different colour and called it a day. To be fair there was a sizable amount of genuinely new content, but half the time I was getting a feeling of deja vu as I entered a dungeon and realized that it had the exact same layout as a dungeon I'd done the other day. I guess I shouldn't be one to complain about laziness, but dammit I'll do it anyway!
8. The Titan Quests: Imagine you're a criminal mastermind and a man approaches you and tells you that he'll give you a special reward if you can steal the world's most valuable and heavily guarded diamond. You accept because you are trusting of random strangers and assume that the reward will be huge. You plan for months on how to slip past security and steal it. You almost get caught on one hundred different occasions. You risk life and limb to steal it and, with luck on your side, you manage to pull it off. You return to your client and as a reward he gives you a granola bar. This is pretty much what the Titan Quests amount to. They're an incredibly difficult chain of quests with an incredibly worthless reward.
7. Selling Players Worthless, Overpriced Things: Eye of the North was the last major release for Guild Wars, before the developers switched over to working on Guild Wars 2. That was in 2007 and since then Arenanet has realized that they still need money, so they began using microtransactions as a way to earn some extra cash. So they began selling us useless things like costumes or makeovers at $10 a pop. They also started selling storage space at $10 for 20 slots of storage. One player did the math and found that it would actually be two-times cheaper to buy a completely new account to use as storage, than it would be to buy these extra slots. Yet people seem to like buying these things, so I guess the I am trumped by the free market.
6. Dinosaurs: These are easily the most annoying monsters in the whole of Guild Wars. They're difficult to kill, use annoying skills, and have massive overlapping patrols meaning that its not difficult to get twenty of them swarming you at once. Fun times!
5. The Factions Storyline: Factions is the second campaign, has an Chinese/Japanese theme, and is easily the one with the weakest storyline. It's far to short, rife with cliches, and only barely makes any sense. It's about this guy who was the bodyguard to the emperor, but who killed him because some creepy homeless lady told him to. Shortly after killing the emperor, he himself is killed, because its pretty difficult to get away with murdering royalty. For some reason he becomes on envoy in the afterlife, ferrying newly dead souls or something like that. Many years later he makes a zombie army and attempts to kill the current emperor, because obviously if he does that then he can regain his corporeal form. And it's up to the player to put a stop to all this retardation.
4. The Crystal Desert: Easily the most annoying area in the game. You can't walk two feet without 20 guys popping out of the ground to attack you. Some monsters will chase you halfway across the map, while others will walk right past and ignore you. Its hard to get anywhere what with all the monsters and places you think you can go, but actually can't. And to top it all off, it's a big, boring, ugly desert.
3. Grinding Titles: When Guild Wars first came out grind was kept to a minimum. There were none of the "kill X for Y number of items" style quests typical of most MMOs. But I guess they decided that some people liked that kind of thing so they introduced a number of achievements that are mind-numbingly boring and require absolutely no skill. My favourite is the Lucky/Unlucky title where you buy a bazillion tickets, stand on a ring, then go read a book for the next 72 hours. It's just as arbitrary and pointless as it sounds.
2. The Economy: Since there's no auction house or marketplace in Guild Wars, if you want to sell anything for more than what the merchant will give you, then you have to stand in town shouting, "WTS Voltaic Spear!" all day long until somebody makes an offer to your liking. I normally give up after 5 minutes.
1. Ursan Blessing: In all of Guild Wars history, nothing has been as game breaking as this one single skill. It's difficult to discuss what this skill did without describing the basic mechanics of the game. Suffice to say, it made the entire skill and profession system redundant. Not only did it provide a ridiculous amount of health and armor, but it was also capable of dealing out extreme amounts of damage. It was literally "The Easy Button." Everybody everywhere was using this skill, even if they hated it. If you didn't want to use it you had to either be a healer or be playing by yourself. The amount of debate on forums and wikis relating to this skill go on for pages and pages. Despite this it took Arenanet over a year to address the problem, one horrible, horrible year, and for that reason it is the #1 thing I don't like about Guild Wars.
On a completely unrelated note: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YZ2FfXzw63c
12. The Pet System: One of the classes in the game (Rangers) are allowed to bring animal companions into battle, but why you would want to is beyond me. They have rather poor AI in that they run around aimlessly for half the battle, there is nothing other than appearance to distinguish one pet from another, and if you are going to bring a pet then you yourself are going to pretty much be useless since most of your skill bar will have to be devoted to your pet. Sometimes I'll bring one out for fun just for giggles, but when playing seriously its just a waste.
11. Ray of Judgment: This skill is a powerful AoE attack that somehow found its way into the skill pool of Monks, the game's primary healing class. Normally the AI in Guild Wars will scatter if they find themselves in the middle of an AoE attack, the one exception to this rule was Ray of Judgment. The result was the biggest exploit in Guild Wars history. Everywhere you went you saw "RoJ monk LFG" in chat. It was not uncommon to find a group consisting of 5 players using this skill. There was not a single problem that could not be solved with this skill. The worst part was that one simple bug fix would remedy the problem, but for some reason it took them several months to get around to it.
10. No Retroactivity on Storybooks: Imagine that you spent countless hours trying to build an elaborate house of cards that was 10 metres tall. After you build it a man walks up to you and says, "I'll give $5000 to whoever can build a house of cards that's 10 metres tall." You point to your house of cards and ask, "There it is. Can I have my $5000 now?" To which he replies, "No," and you ask, " Why not?" and he answers, "Because you built it before I offered the money. If you want to earn that cash you'll have to do it all over again." Your balls then proceed to shatter due to the sheer magnitude of the figurative kick in the nuts this man just gave to you. Arenanet pretty much did just that when they decided that if you wanted to earn the bonus rewards for completing the storyline then you'd have to replay the entire game all over again.
9. Recycling Content: To some extent many games are guilty of this. Achievements and Trophies are essentially ways to get people to replay the same content over and over again in order to earn some meaningless award. Some MMO's (including Guild Wars) have daily quests, and there are plenty of other examples. But in the expansion to Guild Wars called Eye of the North, they pretty much took the same models, painted them a different colour and called it a day. To be fair there was a sizable amount of genuinely new content, but half the time I was getting a feeling of deja vu as I entered a dungeon and realized that it had the exact same layout as a dungeon I'd done the other day. I guess I shouldn't be one to complain about laziness, but dammit I'll do it anyway!
8. The Titan Quests: Imagine you're a criminal mastermind and a man approaches you and tells you that he'll give you a special reward if you can steal the world's most valuable and heavily guarded diamond. You accept because you are trusting of random strangers and assume that the reward will be huge. You plan for months on how to slip past security and steal it. You almost get caught on one hundred different occasions. You risk life and limb to steal it and, with luck on your side, you manage to pull it off. You return to your client and as a reward he gives you a granola bar. This is pretty much what the Titan Quests amount to. They're an incredibly difficult chain of quests with an incredibly worthless reward.
7. Selling Players Worthless, Overpriced Things: Eye of the North was the last major release for Guild Wars, before the developers switched over to working on Guild Wars 2. That was in 2007 and since then Arenanet has realized that they still need money, so they began using microtransactions as a way to earn some extra cash. So they began selling us useless things like costumes or makeovers at $10 a pop. They also started selling storage space at $10 for 20 slots of storage. One player did the math and found that it would actually be two-times cheaper to buy a completely new account to use as storage, than it would be to buy these extra slots. Yet people seem to like buying these things, so I guess the I am trumped by the free market.
6. Dinosaurs: These are easily the most annoying monsters in the whole of Guild Wars. They're difficult to kill, use annoying skills, and have massive overlapping patrols meaning that its not difficult to get twenty of them swarming you at once. Fun times!
5. The Factions Storyline: Factions is the second campaign, has an Chinese/Japanese theme, and is easily the one with the weakest storyline. It's far to short, rife with cliches, and only barely makes any sense. It's about this guy who was the bodyguard to the emperor, but who killed him because some creepy homeless lady told him to. Shortly after killing the emperor, he himself is killed, because its pretty difficult to get away with murdering royalty. For some reason he becomes on envoy in the afterlife, ferrying newly dead souls or something like that. Many years later he makes a zombie army and attempts to kill the current emperor, because obviously if he does that then he can regain his corporeal form. And it's up to the player to put a stop to all this retardation.
4. The Crystal Desert: Easily the most annoying area in the game. You can't walk two feet without 20 guys popping out of the ground to attack you. Some monsters will chase you halfway across the map, while others will walk right past and ignore you. Its hard to get anywhere what with all the monsters and places you think you can go, but actually can't. And to top it all off, it's a big, boring, ugly desert.
3. Grinding Titles: When Guild Wars first came out grind was kept to a minimum. There were none of the "kill X for Y number of items" style quests typical of most MMOs. But I guess they decided that some people liked that kind of thing so they introduced a number of achievements that are mind-numbingly boring and require absolutely no skill. My favourite is the Lucky/Unlucky title where you buy a bazillion tickets, stand on a ring, then go read a book for the next 72 hours. It's just as arbitrary and pointless as it sounds.
2. The Economy: Since there's no auction house or marketplace in Guild Wars, if you want to sell anything for more than what the merchant will give you, then you have to stand in town shouting, "WTS Voltaic Spear!" all day long until somebody makes an offer to your liking. I normally give up after 5 minutes.
1. Ursan Blessing: In all of Guild Wars history, nothing has been as game breaking as this one single skill. It's difficult to discuss what this skill did without describing the basic mechanics of the game. Suffice to say, it made the entire skill and profession system redundant. Not only did it provide a ridiculous amount of health and armor, but it was also capable of dealing out extreme amounts of damage. It was literally "The Easy Button." Everybody everywhere was using this skill, even if they hated it. If you didn't want to use it you had to either be a healer or be playing by yourself. The amount of debate on forums and wikis relating to this skill go on for pages and pages. Despite this it took Arenanet over a year to address the problem, one horrible, horrible year, and for that reason it is the #1 thing I don't like about Guild Wars.
On a completely unrelated note: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YZ2FfXzw63c
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Ms New Booty as Performed by a Girl who Doesn't Understand the Internet
Before reading this post you should watch this video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yB1KJbAh1XU
Were you able to watch the entire video without skipping? If yes, then it is highly recommended that you see a therapist. If no, then take comfort in the fact that you have a sense of shame, unlike the girl in the video who must have thought that what she did was good and that other people would like it. The only concept she understands less than shame is how the Internet works. For instance: when you post an embarrassing video of yourself online, people will watch it, and people will refer to you as a retard, and you will lose all self-esteem. Also, people will take that video and make it even more embarrassing by adding things like subtitles to it. You want to know what else was added to this video? The music. That's right, the original video was just her singing with no musical accompaniment. Imagine what you just saw, but more awkward.
When watching this video I feel a strange mix of contempt and pity. Contempt, because it is a complete and utter travesty, and pity, because she doesn't realize it. Here I shall attempt to explain to her why she has become the object of so much derision, assuming that she is one of my six followers (I am looking at you Kevin Rey).
Let's begin with your appearance. Putting it lightly, your hair needs work. It looks as though it was done by a burnt-out rockstar from Whoville. You combined a mullet with a ponytail going straight up with a forward-facing rattail, and then, to top it all off, you bleached it. Your hair is somehow more white trash than Dog the Bounty Hunter's entire family. If you were to shave off all your hair and tattoo a Swastika onto the back of your head it would be more tasteful. And may I ask why you are wearing a Winnie the Pooh shirt? The song you are singing is blatantly about ass. You could not have picked a more conflicting style of clothing. Disney and rap do not mix ever. Seriously, just stick with Hannah Montana. Lastly you need to lose some weight. I am not saying you're fat, but if you show even the slightest sign of pudginess the Internet will hate you for it. Also your face is fucked up.
Next up there's your pitiful attempts at grooving to the music. I am fairly certain that characters in a Jane Austen novel would have better moves than you. I never thought it possible for somebody to fail at bobbing their head in rthym to the musci, but you manage to pull it off. You're like a gelatinous blob that just quivers randomly in the vain hope that it will somehow resemble human movement. And what the hell are you doing during that whispering sequence? There's no reason why you need to get that close to the camera. Then there are those times when you just sit there, motionless, with this look on your face as though you forgot what you were doing. Finally we have the ending. That inexplicable embarassment of an ending. What do you think it makes you hardcore to to throw the rock fingers into your routine? Becasue that's the opposite of what it does. Why do you hold that pose for 15 seconds towards the end? And you know that you don't have to keep the rock fingers up until the camera stops rolling, right? Five seconds is more than enough. But you keep them up for a solid minute and a half. I can find no explanation for such behaviour unless you were planning to edit the video and just thought it was good enough the way it was. Or maybe you just think that is normal human behaviour. Either way you're horibbly, horribly wrong. Then there's that negative million dollar smile of yours that withers the soul. I don't think braces would solve the problem. Actually a mouthclamp would pretty much solve everything.
Then there's your singing which is perhaps your greatest offence. Your first mistake is your choice in music. It fails on almost as many levels as you do. Its bland, uncreative, unoriginal, offensive, mind-numbingly stupid, and in no way appropriate for a girl of your age or appearance (in that you are neither black, skanky, nor attractive as is your typical woman in a rap video). A solid 90% of the lyrics to this song is comprised of the word booty, yet you somehow manage to flub at least half the words. For instance you constantly say "I found you, Ms Moogoo," when its supposed to be " Ms New Booty," which, in case you forgot, is the title of the goddamn song. Its "rock'n everywhere" not "rock'n in the well." Do you even stop to think about what you are saying? Did it never occur to you that it makes no sense whatsoever? Your voice certainly doesn't improve matters. Even before you start singing its pretty obvious that it isn't going to end well. Just the way you say "to all my friends on Stickam" over and over again is enough to make me want to strangle a cat just to cover up that grating sound you call speech. Saying that you have a horrible singing voice would be a bigger understatement than saying that WWI wasn't fun. Watching you trying to rap is like watching a one-legged wiener dog trying to climb a ladder; at first its kinda funny, but then you realize its just sad. If you really want to do your friends on Stickam a favor, just shut-up.
In conclusion, this is the most awkward thing to watch to since Ellen DeGeneres hosted the Oscars. If you were to combine failure with an astounding lack of forethought and a pinch of misplaced self-confidence, this video would be the result. I know I may seem a little harsh, but its all for your benefit, so that you may learn from this experience and return to the inbred dwarf colony deep within the Earth from whence you came, never to show your face again.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yB1KJbAh1XU
Were you able to watch the entire video without skipping? If yes, then it is highly recommended that you see a therapist. If no, then take comfort in the fact that you have a sense of shame, unlike the girl in the video who must have thought that what she did was good and that other people would like it. The only concept she understands less than shame is how the Internet works. For instance: when you post an embarrassing video of yourself online, people will watch it, and people will refer to you as a retard, and you will lose all self-esteem. Also, people will take that video and make it even more embarrassing by adding things like subtitles to it. You want to know what else was added to this video? The music. That's right, the original video was just her singing with no musical accompaniment. Imagine what you just saw, but more awkward.
When watching this video I feel a strange mix of contempt and pity. Contempt, because it is a complete and utter travesty, and pity, because she doesn't realize it. Here I shall attempt to explain to her why she has become the object of so much derision, assuming that she is one of my six followers (I am looking at you Kevin Rey).
Let's begin with your appearance. Putting it lightly, your hair needs work. It looks as though it was done by a burnt-out rockstar from Whoville. You combined a mullet with a ponytail going straight up with a forward-facing rattail, and then, to top it all off, you bleached it. Your hair is somehow more white trash than Dog the Bounty Hunter's entire family. If you were to shave off all your hair and tattoo a Swastika onto the back of your head it would be more tasteful. And may I ask why you are wearing a Winnie the Pooh shirt? The song you are singing is blatantly about ass. You could not have picked a more conflicting style of clothing. Disney and rap do not mix ever. Seriously, just stick with Hannah Montana. Lastly you need to lose some weight. I am not saying you're fat, but if you show even the slightest sign of pudginess the Internet will hate you for it. Also your face is fucked up.
Next up there's your pitiful attempts at grooving to the music. I am fairly certain that characters in a Jane Austen novel would have better moves than you. I never thought it possible for somebody to fail at bobbing their head in rthym to the musci, but you manage to pull it off. You're like a gelatinous blob that just quivers randomly in the vain hope that it will somehow resemble human movement. And what the hell are you doing during that whispering sequence? There's no reason why you need to get that close to the camera. Then there are those times when you just sit there, motionless, with this look on your face as though you forgot what you were doing. Finally we have the ending. That inexplicable embarassment of an ending. What do you think it makes you hardcore to to throw the rock fingers into your routine? Becasue that's the opposite of what it does. Why do you hold that pose for 15 seconds towards the end? And you know that you don't have to keep the rock fingers up until the camera stops rolling, right? Five seconds is more than enough. But you keep them up for a solid minute and a half. I can find no explanation for such behaviour unless you were planning to edit the video and just thought it was good enough the way it was. Or maybe you just think that is normal human behaviour. Either way you're horibbly, horribly wrong. Then there's that negative million dollar smile of yours that withers the soul. I don't think braces would solve the problem. Actually a mouthclamp would pretty much solve everything.
Then there's your singing which is perhaps your greatest offence. Your first mistake is your choice in music. It fails on almost as many levels as you do. Its bland, uncreative, unoriginal, offensive, mind-numbingly stupid, and in no way appropriate for a girl of your age or appearance (in that you are neither black, skanky, nor attractive as is your typical woman in a rap video). A solid 90% of the lyrics to this song is comprised of the word booty, yet you somehow manage to flub at least half the words. For instance you constantly say "I found you, Ms Moogoo," when its supposed to be " Ms New Booty," which, in case you forgot, is the title of the goddamn song. Its "rock'n everywhere" not "rock'n in the well." Do you even stop to think about what you are saying? Did it never occur to you that it makes no sense whatsoever? Your voice certainly doesn't improve matters. Even before you start singing its pretty obvious that it isn't going to end well. Just the way you say "to all my friends on Stickam" over and over again is enough to make me want to strangle a cat just to cover up that grating sound you call speech. Saying that you have a horrible singing voice would be a bigger understatement than saying that WWI wasn't fun. Watching you trying to rap is like watching a one-legged wiener dog trying to climb a ladder; at first its kinda funny, but then you realize its just sad. If you really want to do your friends on Stickam a favor, just shut-up.
In conclusion, this is the most awkward thing to watch to since Ellen DeGeneres hosted the Oscars. If you were to combine failure with an astounding lack of forethought and a pinch of misplaced self-confidence, this video would be the result. I know I may seem a little harsh, but its all for your benefit, so that you may learn from this experience and return to the inbred dwarf colony deep within the Earth from whence you came, never to show your face again.
Monday, March 8, 2010
The Oscars
For those of you who don't know, Sunday night was Oscar Night, and it may very well have been the most predictable one ever. I am not here to brag, but I was able to call the winners of almost every award except for some of the technical ones. I even managed to predict who would win Best Live-Action Short and Best Animated Short based solely on the clips they played during the show. The only major exceptions were Best Documentary and Best Foreign Film which I predicted would go to Food Inc. and the black-and-white German one respectively. Otherwise Up won Best Animated Feature and Best Music, Christoph Waltz won Best Supporting Actor, Mo'Nique won Best Supporting Actress, Sandra Bullock won Best Actress, Jeff Bridges won Best Actor, Crazy Heart won Best Song, Avatar won Best Special Effects, Cinematography, and Art Design, The Hurt Locker won a whole bunch including Best Picture, Director, and Original Screenplay, and District 9 got jack all as expected. Though Kathryn Bigelow looked like she was going to puke when she won Best Picture. But of course the awards are only half the show. The other half is pure pablum. So let's take a look at that shall we?
Let's start with the hosts, Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin. They had a few snappy one liners, but overall they weren't that funny. The opening monologue (dialogue?) was especially terrible. Here's a fun drinking game: Take a shot every time Steve Martin mentions an actor and then says, "Wow!" The only memorable part was the Hitler joke they made at Meryl Streep's expense. The Neil Patrick Harris musical routine which introduced them was also pretty disappointing, which is too bad since I like Neil Patrick Harris almost as much as I enjoy saying his name. Neil Patrick Harris. You didn't really see them all that much the rest of the night, but when they did show up their jokes weren't much better. But then again Oscar jokes are always pretty corny and mostly involve making fun of celebrities, so I can't complain all that much especially if you compare them to the likes of Ellen DeGeneres.
Next up you have the award presenters who are normally (pretty much always) reading some tripe off a teleprompter. The only people of note are those who stray from the script, though that normally ends poorly. For instance, Miley Cyrus came off looking pretty retarded. Sean Penn rambled on about god-knows-what. He's pretty much the Kanye West of the acting world. The only stand-out was Ben Stiller who came out dressed as an Avatar, which put some people off, but I enjoyed it for the most part.
On the flip side you have the acceptance speeches. But the only one worth remembering is Mo'Nique's which was easily the best. Sandra Bullock's was also pretty classy. Jeff Bridges' started off good, but he started to ramble, like a lot. It turns out he wasn't really acting in The Big Lebowski. Also there was that crazy annoying lady who interrupted that guy's acceptance speech for Best Documentary Short. Yah that was weird.
Finnaly you have the pageantry which they cut down on a lot this year. All they had was Neil Patrick Harris at the beginning (as I already mentionned) and a large dance crew halfway through which danced to the music from the movies nominated for Best Score. The dancing was pretty cool, but it didn't really have anything to do with the movies the music came from. I was disappointed that they cut the performances of songs in the Best Original Song category, that was always one of my favpurite parts. Instead they put in this bullshit where actors get on stage and talk about how great the Best Actor/Actress nominees are. Some of their speeches where pognant, but most of them were the same old teleprompter bullshit.
So that about does it for my review of Oscar night. It wasn't the best by a long shot, but it wasn't the worst either. There were few surprises, and most of it was the same old thing one expects from the Academy Awards, but it had its moments.
Let's start with the hosts, Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin. They had a few snappy one liners, but overall they weren't that funny. The opening monologue (dialogue?) was especially terrible. Here's a fun drinking game: Take a shot every time Steve Martin mentions an actor and then says, "Wow!" The only memorable part was the Hitler joke they made at Meryl Streep's expense. The Neil Patrick Harris musical routine which introduced them was also pretty disappointing, which is too bad since I like Neil Patrick Harris almost as much as I enjoy saying his name. Neil Patrick Harris. You didn't really see them all that much the rest of the night, but when they did show up their jokes weren't much better. But then again Oscar jokes are always pretty corny and mostly involve making fun of celebrities, so I can't complain all that much especially if you compare them to the likes of Ellen DeGeneres.
Next up you have the award presenters who are normally (pretty much always) reading some tripe off a teleprompter. The only people of note are those who stray from the script, though that normally ends poorly. For instance, Miley Cyrus came off looking pretty retarded. Sean Penn rambled on about god-knows-what. He's pretty much the Kanye West of the acting world. The only stand-out was Ben Stiller who came out dressed as an Avatar, which put some people off, but I enjoyed it for the most part.
On the flip side you have the acceptance speeches. But the only one worth remembering is Mo'Nique's which was easily the best. Sandra Bullock's was also pretty classy. Jeff Bridges' started off good, but he started to ramble, like a lot. It turns out he wasn't really acting in The Big Lebowski. Also there was that crazy annoying lady who interrupted that guy's acceptance speech for Best Documentary Short. Yah that was weird.
Finnaly you have the pageantry which they cut down on a lot this year. All they had was Neil Patrick Harris at the beginning (as I already mentionned) and a large dance crew halfway through which danced to the music from the movies nominated for Best Score. The dancing was pretty cool, but it didn't really have anything to do with the movies the music came from. I was disappointed that they cut the performances of songs in the Best Original Song category, that was always one of my favpurite parts. Instead they put in this bullshit where actors get on stage and talk about how great the Best Actor/Actress nominees are. Some of their speeches where pognant, but most of them were the same old teleprompter bullshit.
So that about does it for my review of Oscar night. It wasn't the best by a long shot, but it wasn't the worst either. There were few surprises, and most of it was the same old thing one expects from the Academy Awards, but it had its moments.
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